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 January 24, 2005 |
Asian people insist you enjoy new technology
The new formats were developed by a consortium of consumer-electronics giants in response to studio complaints that current DVD technology only allowed studios to force the purchasers of their DVDs to sit through about twenty minutes of unwanted content before getting to the main feature. HD-DVD will feature a 30GB capacity, enough for fifty trailers showing coming attractions, seven FBI warnings, tw...
ans of the unskippable clutter clogging the front end of most commercial DVD releases received great news this week with the announcement that all major movie studios will begin releasing films in the HD-DVD and Blu-Ray formats later this year, allowing studios to pack even more commercials, trailers, multi-language legal disclaimers and FBI warnings onto their future releases.
The new formats were developed by a consortium of consumer-electronics giants in response to studio complaints that current DVD technology only allowed studios to force the purchasers of their DVDs to sit through about twenty minutes of unwanted content before getting to the main feature. HD-DVD will feature a 30GB capacity, enough for fifty trailers showing coming attractions, seven FBI warnings, twenty-seven commercials for other DVD releases and Pillsbury crescent rolls, and “The views and commentary reflected on this disc do not reflect…” disclaimers in forty-seven languages. The rival Blu-Ray format, developed by Sony, is expected to nearly double that content, leaving the actual main feature as a virtual afterthought printed on the biodegradable glue between disc layers.
“These new formats are a godsend for our industry,” explained Paramount Pictures head Sherry Lansing. “Last year we had to cut ten minutes out of Top Gun just so it would fit on the DVD between the trailers we wanted to include for our seventeen most exciting upcoming releases. This time next year, our biggest problem is going to be finding a way to make sure consumers aren’t napping through the two hours of product placements and trailers we’ll be able to fit before the movie. We’re already working on a feature that will crank up the television’s volume for the trailers, in such a way that you won’t be able to turn it back down.”
Other studios are said to be working on similar DVD technologies that would insert commercial breaks into DVD movies, add CGI product placements to films according to real-time sales figures, and one that would go so far as to turn on a consumer’s television at pre-programmed times and play time-sensitive advertisements from the DVD.
Though the movie studios are understandably excited about these technological advancements, consumer advocates question why consumers would shell out big bucks to replace their relatively new DVD players with an even more abusive technology. But Hollywood studios remain unconcerned.
“Well, they bought DVD players, didn’t they?” asks Twentieth Century Fox head Hutch Parker. “Damn did they buy DVD players. I mean, with VCRs, you could just fast-forward past all the crap at the beginning, or just never rewind the tape that far. People obviously prefer being made to watch this stuff, so we’re adding more. After all, adding commercials before the half-hour of trailers we show in the movie theaters sure hasn’t kept people from shelling out $10 at the movies, right?”
“They’ll buy them,” agreed Lansing. “We’re going to say the new Blu-Ray shit has twice the ignots or something, make something up. ‘High Definition,’ whatever that means. ‘Crystal-clear picture and bone-rattling sound,’ that sounds good, right? We’ll say they make the old DVDs we were hyping last week look like burnt turd, and those geeks will eat it up.” the commune news wants our entertainment, and we want it now, which is why we’ll be filming all our own movies from now on. Ivana Folger-Balzac has already inked a deal to star in several commune Pictures productions as an unstoppable killing machine called Ivana Folger-Balzac.
 |  January 24, 2005 |
Washington, DC Junior Bacon French protestors celebrate Bush's second term
"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. Except North Korea, or other oil-free regions not worth our time," Bush said in his speech, according to the Zaire Free Press. American papers instead ran lead stories Friday on Saturn's frozen, gas-soaked moon Titan, as well as the religious debate over the sexual orientation of Spongebob Squa...
eorge W. Bush was theoretically sworn in as the 43rd president of the United States last Thursday, in a ceremony that went completely unwatched in his native country. Foreign media debated the content of Bush's speech, while American scientists debated the age-old question, "If the president gives a speech and nobody bothers to tune in, does it make a sound?"
"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. Except North Korea, or other oil-free regions not worth our time," Bush said in his speech, according to the Zaire Free Press. American papers instead ran lead stories Friday on Saturn's frozen, gas-soaked moon Titan, as well as the religious debate over the sexual orientation of Spongebob Squarepants.
While some are blaming the lack of viewer interest on American political apathy, others point out that Bush's approval rating of 49 percent is unprecedentedly low for a president being sworn in, despite his very recent victory in the November election. Not only historically bad for a re-elected president, Bush's approval ratings are believed to be the lowest for any president ever at the time of his inauguration, and appear to indicate that at least 4% of the population voted for the president in November in spite of neither liking the man nor approving of the job he had done. Whether this figure should stand as an indictment of the voting public, or just former Democratic challenger John Kerry, is unclear. Bush supporters still put a positive spin on the numbers, however, explaining that those 49% probably really, really approve of the president a lot.
Neither Bush supporters nor detractors could be bothered much by the president's speech, however. Supporters complained that the replay of the speech ran right into Thursday night powerhouses The Apprentice and CSI: Crime Scene Investigations, setting Bush up to lose in a battle against more entertaining programs. Bush detractors explained that they'd rather have their skin removed by hyenas than have to watch that beef-brained cowboy flap his chops for ten whole seconds. Undecideds apparently spent the evening making handicrafts.
In Mena, Saudi Arabia, 2.5 million Muslims gathered to throw rocks at a picture of Bush on Thursday, celebrating the U.S. President's victorious second term with a traditional stoning and screamed curses about the devil.
Most of Europe was similarly excited, spending the hours after Bush's inauguration visiting churches, bars, and other places of comfort from deep spiritual despair. Numerous organized protests of the Bush presidency were held, most strangely enough in countries where Bush is not the president.
Americans seemed more surprised that anything had happened at all, asking confused questions about if it was time to vote again or if there was a part of an inauguration where you could speak up if you knew some reason that guy shouldn't be president, like the part in weddings. Others explained that they were fresh out of that not-apathy thing, or were saving their energy for the next soul-crushing election in 2008. the commune news knew there was an inauguration this week, we just thought they were opening a new Denny's and went to the wrong place. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent and in-office air hockey champion, a fact she has yet to realize is related less to skill than to low-cut cleavage. Come to think of it, that comment could apply to either Washington corresponding or air hockey.
| Saturn moon Titan, covered in liquid gas, may soon expect U.S. invasion Michael Powell leaving FCC; sick of hearing word "titties" on daily basis Fat kids everywhere cheer national trend toward declining P.E. classes Police: Real cool Colorado mom held teen sex/drug parties |
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 January 24, 2005 Superbowl Come HomeHello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is fu...
º Last Column: Boris is Terminal
º more columns
Hello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again after to find secret that McDonald bags is also writing papers on back side. So tricky to learn tricks of life.
So much does happen since time of Boris being big air place port hero last time. City have big parade right away to honor Boris, so many policemens in uniform things does march with Boris out of airplane place and into special important car for parade ride, and all persons does point and look at Boris. Hello! they are waving. Such happy day for to appreciate works of Potato Boris at long lasting, whole city is full of cars to see superhero thing.
Then there is ceremony at police building to honoring Boris, and even they give Boris fast bath with hose and police haircut to help hide Potato Boris identity. So smart! Now superenemies will see and think, "Oh, is just Boris. Neverminding." Yay for disguise!
Boris does stay at special police hotel for important heroes long time. Is not like normal hotel with walls for enemy to hide. Special police hero hotel has bar walls, all see through so no creeping. This one more smart police idea.
And there is meeting things with special persons in funny clothes to honor Boris, even to see carpenter king who sit in high chair in dress and does bang on hammer. Boris does not like carpenter from story where him does eat all the Walrus food, but now him does seems okay. Fancy persons does much talking with carpenter king while Boris does watch Game Boy. You know this thing? Is fun small TV with show about blocks that fell in hole. So fun to watch. Yay for blocks!
But then one day fun hero adventures must end because police hotel is on fire and all guests is running out like after bad movie. Boris does follow but doesn't not remember detail because of watching Game Boy at same time. So fun this thing!
Next thing Boris does make friends at V.F.W. place, where Boris does wander while watching block show. Is fun place for dead animal to watch Boris drinking, like Chuck E. Cheap place without millions children telling Boris come out of ball pit. But important part of story is V.F.W. friends tells Boris important secret news. Is two week to Superbowl! Holy oh no, this is so soon.
Boris almost does forget of Superbowl, most fun thing for being alive. And Superbowl reminding Boris of Louis, and can spray cheese, both important part of Superbowl fun! So sad to miss all these thing. So new secret mission for Boris to find Louis and have Superbowl party thing before is too late. Yay for secret Superbowl mission!
Last detail now to figuring out where Louis does live, and where Potato Boris is being now, and if is sidewalk between. Ooh. After this block show. º Last Column: Boris is Terminalº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and in total compliance with puritan mores. All others will be stoned to death, just as soon as they wake up.”
-Dan FranklinFortune 500 CookieYou are the jovial type who would gladly eat shit and ask for more, which will serve you well in the coming year, what with the shovel fork you got for Christmas. But for the sake of Buddha, remember to pack a roll of Certs. Lucky numbers 33, 57, 89, 105.
Try again later.Last 5 Places Saddam Hussein Was Hiding| 1. | One of several elaborate underground tunnels theorized during first Gulf War | | 2. | Baghdad Denny's, open 24 hours, breakfast anytime | | 3. | Foreign film section of Alabama Blockbuster | | 4. | Baby's momma house | | 5. | Don Imus | |
|   Junkies Help Rebuild Afghanistan Economy BY roland mcshyster 1/24/2005 Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.
In Theaters Now:
The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there some...
Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.
In Theaters Now:
The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there somewhere, and Scorsese found it by throwing out most of the facts and molding the rest out of an unrelated movie he was already working on. The cast really responds, and Leonardo DiCaprio was clearly paid for this participation this time around. Will it all be enough to finally bring Scorsese his coveted Best Costumes Oscar? Only time will tell.
Fat Albert
They had to make a deal with Bill Cosby to do it, but the Hollywood cartel has finally created the most insulting Albert Einstein biopic ever made. Hollywood's blinding hatred of Einstein has a long and storied history, dating back to the German scientist refusing to sell Hollywood the movie rights to his special theory of relativity, and punctuated by a long string of bitter Einstein-bashing biopic films released by Hollywood over the years, including Young Einstein, Hair and Weird Science. But Hollywood's latest handiwork tops them all, pulling out the big guns by accusing Einstein of being everything from overweight to a bad actor. I for one was surprised Hollywood decided to tempt the fates one more time, I sure wouldn't want some genius ghost sitting around in the afterlife, dreaming up ways to give me the bad hair day from hell.
Million Dollar Baby
No doubt you're already smelling the Oscar buzz surrounding this one, since the Academy loves babies. Unless you're smelling an actual baby. In that case, ew. The Academy also loves Clint Eastwood, because he's a mean, flinty-eyed motherfucker who often pays back disloyalty with a random gutshot, so it's love him or probably die. But Eastwood doesn't know Roland McShyster from a Polish Mount Shasta, so I'm free to point out that two old farts boxing over a precocious talking baby that got rich on Linux stock sounds like two shitty movie ideas sharing time in a sock. Do I feel lucky, punk? Hell no, I just had to sit through your whole movie, how lucky can I be?
Meet the Froggers
Video games are the new candy crack in Hollywood this year, and movie studio executives are falling over each other to make the next… the next… uh, the first decent video game movie ever. Most will no doubt turn out like Meet the Froggers, a movie that gives a bad name to surreal, misguided entertainment. The film follows a day in the life of a family that built their house by the side of a bridgeless, alligator-infested river full of pissed-off ducks, which to even get to you have to run across a freeway so busy it has an entire lane just for hauling-ass bulldozers. Granted, after all the bad movies they've made, it is entertaining to watch DeNiro, Hoffman, Stiller and especially Barbara Streisand get lane-changed like a Jackson Pollack painting, but the thrill wears off quickly when the actors keep returning after they've been killed. The director hasn't been born yet who can make a thrilling movie out of a one-level Atari game, but given the dangerously low number of nostalgic TV shows Hollywood has left to make into shitty movies, he'd better get his ass in gear.
Glad you enjoyed the views and reviews, America. But here's one more before you go: watch out for hawks. Did you know those things eat canaries? That's right. So even though you can tie a string around a canary's neck and have him fly home behind you like a kite, all things considered it's probably best to take the pet store guy up on his cage recommendation. Live and learn, America. See you next time.   |
