 | 
 November 15, 2004 |
Washington, D.C. White House/Mrs. Bird's Graphics the commune presents the first of many editorials concerning the president's re-election.
In a race described as "pubic hair close," numbers built up all election night in the columns of both candidates. However, the president piled electoral votes all night long as Kerry generally lagged behind, if not all that far behind. With key states still slow to declare their choice as winner, Kerry conceded the presidency when the numbers demonstrated a reasonable lead by Bush in the popular vote and in the state of Ohio. The Democratic candidate delivered his speech on Nov. 3, after a sleepless night of feeling the voters ...
etrayed by the voters of Ohio, America and the rest of the world summoned immense courage Nov. 3 and admitted, in the wake of the concession of Democratic candidate John Kerry, George W. Bush would get four more years as president of the United States.
In a race described as "pubic hair close," numbers built up all election night in the columns of both candidates. However, the president piled electoral votes all night long as Kerry generally lagged behind, if not all that far behind. With key states still slow to declare their choice as winner, Kerry conceded the presidency when the numbers demonstrated a reasonable lead by Bush in the popular vote and in the state of Ohio. The Democratic candidate delivered his speech on Nov. 3, after a sleepless night of feeling the voters would support him with the final numbers.
"To all my supporters I have this to say: I have watched the race closely, as you have, and consulted with my advisors, and I have reached a single conclusion: God must really hate me," said the Massachusetts senator. "There can be no other explanation for the fact that I have lacked the personality and excitement to build on my distinguished career and commendable war record, and convince America I couldn't possibly be a worse president than Mr. Bush. A president universally abhorred outside our national borders, a president who will undoubtedly go down as the most insidious man to ever be re-elected by the American people, and I have somehow failed to channel his monumental boners into a Democratic victory. I go now, forever exiled from politics, to live in a cave somewhere. I wish I were speaking in metaphor, but I am being quite literal."
Following Kerry's concession, nervous states with votes still out rushed to throw their now-useless electoral votes behind the president, fearing many, many more visits by future Republican candidates. The final count became Bush at 286 electoral votes, Kerry at 252. Ralph Nader ran a distant third, and somehow even failed to draw the 0 electoral votes he hoped to get.
Political analysts detailed many factors in voters' decisions to re-elect the man who has pissed off virtually everyone in the past four years. Voters for Bush overwhelmingly cited clichés, such as "stay the course," and wanting to show "support for a war-time president," even though it's highly unlikely a Republican holding the office would not be a war-time president. They also showed an amazing recollection for Bush soundbites, disparaging John Kerry as "a flip-flopper" and a man with "no experience as president." Other election analysts, more extreme in their calculations, suggest Bush found himself re-elected because Americans are masochists or simply hate the rest of the world, or a large collection of people really enjoy Michael Moore films and wanted to see a lot more.
In his victory speech, the president managed to just barely restrain his smugness, keeping it at an 8, tops, and usually just below a 5.
"The American people have spoken, and I won," gloated the president Nov. 3. "I showed you who's boss. We told the rest of the world we don't care if they don't like us. But we'll show them—we'll show them all. We'll make them like us. We're big enough, we're strong enough, and Jesus speaks to me nightly."
The president also reached out to Kerry supporters, attempting to rally them to his second term agenda.
"I know who you are. It's okay if you voted for the other guy. But this is your last warning—fall in line. I have the power of the United States at my beck and call now. I cannot, and will not, ever be stopped." the commune news provided election coverage all night long, though we didn't bother sharing it with anyone else—mostly just watching the TV as electoral votes came in and a lot of cursing, and the sound of Ted Ted laughing. Lil Duncan, Washington correspondent, takes some comfort that as long as the Democrats aren't in office she's not likely to get groped in the White House press room as much.
 | Georgia to Revamp Unpopular State SloganNovember 15, 2004 |
Atlanta, GA Georgia Tourism Boar Posters bearing the state’s old slogan may now become even hotter commodities on eBay
After the Georgia Tourism Board changed its slogan from “Georgia: Wow!” to “Georgia: It’s Where They Filmed Deliverance,” in 1973, the state’s tourism dropped to virtually zero, except for the few stragglers who came looking for “hot, man-on-man action,” and who were mostly ...
fter years of stagnant tourism blamed by many on the state’s long-standing slogan of “Georgia: It’s Where They Filmed Deliverance,” tourism officials are convening this month to christen a new state slogan, in hopes of inspiring vacationers to contribute to Georgia’s beleaguered economy. Though officials have yet to decide on what the new slogan will be, one trait shared by all early candidates is a complete avoidance of the 1972 Burt Reynolds hillbilly rape film.
After the Georgia Tourism Board changed its slogan from “Georgia: Wow!” to “Georgia: It’s Where They Filmed Deliverance,” in 1973, the state’s tourism dropped to virtually zero, except for the few stragglers who came looking for “hot, man-on-man action,” and who were mostly disappointed by their visits to the Peach state. At the time, state tourism officials blamed the decline on poor marketing support, and redoubled their efforts to get the word out about the key role their state played in the John Boorman blockbuster.
“Come on down and learn to play the banjo,” intoned smiling spokesperson Walter Goering, plucking a homemade banjo in the first of a series of television ads shown nationwide in the mid-70’s.
As the state’s tourism gradually fell to negative levels, meaning that now even native Georgians were vacationing in South Carolina, tourism officials expressed bafflement at the public’s reaction to their foolproof campaign.
“Why wouldn’t people want to come visit the natural Georgian beauty what was captured in that movie?” questioned tourism director Samuel Chick in a 1978 interview. “There’s trees, rivers… and some trees. All the things you think of when you think about Georgia.”
Though the hit film Deliverance did feature a stunning panorama of Georgia’s natural beauty, in addition to healthy portions of the manly Burt Reynolds before he went all soft on us, many felt the infamous scene where actor Ned Beatty’s character is violently raped by inbred yokels may have dominated filmgoers’ memories, marking Georgia as a place they would never, ever want to go. Tourism officials, however, remained skeptical of this explanation.
“What don’t they like? That little retard kid with the banjo?” asked Chick in a 1983 interview. “They know he wasn’t real right? Just all foam rubber and airplane glue, like Yoda. We ain’t got none of them in Georgia. No Yodas neither. You find me a banjo-playin’ retard or a Yoda in the state of Georgia, anywhere, and I’ll give you a shiny new apple. That’s how confident I am in that statement.”
The Deliverance campaign continued in Georgia until 1998, when during a hypnotic regression treatment Chick uncovered repressed memories of the rape scene from the film. After attempting to convince the rest of the tourism board of his findings, Chick was fired for being queer. But the event did serve as a breakthrough for several Georgia state officials, who promptly ordered a new state slogan.
Weeks later, Georgia’s slogan was changed to “Georgia: They Actually Filmed Most of Deliverance in West Virginia.” This helped some, but a large part of the damage had already been done in the preceding 26 years. Over the next twelve months, several new slogans were attempted to minimize the damage further, including “Georgia: No Hillbillies Here!” and “Georgia: The Unrapingest Place on Earth.”
Now state officials believe the time has come for a complete break from their sloganing past, possibly with one involving puppy dogs. Early proposals include “Georgia: A Mouthful of the South” to appeal to food fans and “Georgia: It’s Saferific!” appealing to security-minded vacationers by highlighting Georgia’s appealing lack of New York and Oklahoma-style terrorist attacks. This reporter’s suggestion that the tourism board might look into signing Burt Reynolds to act as a pitchman for the new slogan was met with an initial flurry of enthusiasm, quickly followed by a very rude ending to the telephone call. the commune news knows the tourism board’s pain from when our proposed slogan of “New Jersey: Cows Gotta Shit Somewhere” proved even less popular than our used copy of the rare Will Smith country album Hill-Willie Style. Ramon Nootles insists rather desperately that he didn’t actually travel to the south to report this story, but we have the Krystal wrappers to prove it.
| Lindsey Lohan a media superstar with everyone under 22 God retiring Rehnquist from Supreme Court early Arafat sharing room with whining methadone patient Enron lawsuit settled for 3,000,000 ohms of free energy |
|
|
| 
 November 15, 2004 Boris is TerminalHello commune. Boris is back and black, but not of the skin. This is mistake thinking because of Boris dirtiness. Is okay, happen all times that person think Boris black but not like in ACDC musics.
If reader remember from last column time, Boris is at airplane place port to save world from such bad pilots. Is Boris job to keep persons off plane who doesn't not know about flying so good. Thanks to super powers of Potato Boris, is now safe to sit in building and not look out for airplane coming so holy shits time to duck. Yay for safe!
After long searching in sky, Boris finally does find airport hiding on ground. So clever this place. Then Boris does take time to learn way around new crime-fighting office. Is important to know where is Cinnabon and where bathroom f...
º Last Column: Please Sing Secret Boris Song
º more columns
Hello commune. Boris is back and black, but not of the skin. This is mistake thinking because of Boris dirtiness. Is okay, happen all times that person think Boris black but not like in ACDC musics.
If reader remember from last column time, Boris is at airplane place port to save world from such bad pilots. Is Boris job to keep persons off plane who doesn't not know about flying so good. Thanks to super powers of Potato Boris, is now safe to sit in building and not look out for airplane coming so holy shits time to duck. Yay for safe!
After long searching in sky, Boris finally does find airport hiding on ground. So clever this place. Then Boris does take time to learn way around new crime-fighting office. Is important to know where is Cinnabon and where bathroom for taking grumpy. Hard part is that all good places for snack are in terminal part of air place port, not ticket room or baggage garage where Boris is locked. To get into terminal thing Boris must past test of security, where there is hard question riddles and magic machine to scan skeleton thing. Boris try this challenge few times and oh no, is not so good. Boris is stump with riddles and man says for Boris to get ticket to go on rides. But ticket person does not want special "Boris Owes You" money (BOY) and Boris does not have fast car to get free ticket from police. This is hard part of superhero life.
After few days Boris decide is time to tell truth, that is important business for Boris to get terminal to save plane persons and building persons from not-good pilots who is fooled to think is good pilots, so Boris must use superpowers of Potato Beetle to stop these things and make persons safe for them to love Boris.This is good idea from Boris brain, because Boris story so confusing man lets to go through as long as Boris does promise not to come back. Yay for confusing Boris story!
Terminal is like magic hallway place with persons carrying baggage things like giant ants and are stores in case person changes mind about flying and does want to shop instead. So nice. But Boris cannot enjoy wonderful things, is on serious important mission to stop crime.
Good thing Boris does not waste time in beautiful magnet store, because right away Boris does see pilot so clumsy to drop hat when running to catch plane. This person no good to fly plane! Him is too clumsy like Boris for safe landings. Boris drive car one time and is no good at landing part, smashing up animal store and all animals do get out and have party. Oh no, this is so bad to have happen with big plane, could let out too many animals and whole city is crazy animal party. So Boris cannot let clumsy pilot crash plane because him is so busy looking for pretzel dropped on floor while flying. To prevent? This is job for Potato-Boris!
Potato-Boris does jump into fast action to tackle clumsy pilot person with running jump thing. This is so good, watching persons does yell oh shit. Boris stands up to say you are welcome for being safe to all airport persons, but before Boris can soak up appreciation, there is bad pilot's security guard friend there to have superfight. Too bad for him not to know of Potato-Boris powers.
Guard person does challenge Boris, and him has stick thing for hurting Boris, so is time for using superpower of dropping pants. Is not power for childrens to see, but is necessary sometime for stopping bad crimes.
Hold on, stop this thing. Boris must take a grumpy. Be back in five of the minutes. º Last Column: Please Sing Secret Boris Songº more columns | 
|
| |
Quote of the Day“Ask not what your country can do for you; cuz trust me, you ain't gonna get shit that way.”
-John Fitzpatrick KentuckyFortune 500 CookieOrganization is the key to surviving life's travails. Try sorting your problems large to small, then run like hell. Nobody can stand your face, voice or odor, but on the upside, everyone likes your car. This week's lucky ways to die: hanging plus drowning, three-year diarrhea, shop 'til you drop, the summertime blues.
Try again later.Top Surprising Oscar Snubs| 1. | Yentle 2: Yentler | | 2. | The Berenstain Bears Don't Care | | 3. | The Diary of Al Franken | | 4. | assBUSHhole: An Empire in Decline | | 5. | Jamie Foxx in Socks | |
|   Ashlee Simpson Debacle Becomes 'October Surprise' BY roland mcshyster 11/1/2004 Yoho, America. It hasn't exactly been a pirate's life for Roland McS lately, though I did get seasick the other day after taking a nap on a friend's waterbed. Okay, you caught me in a lie there; I didn't actually know the guy. But this isn't a column about my recent Goldilocks antics, though I'm sure many a pirate wandered into the wrong apartment (or boat) and slept in some stranger's bed until they were awoken by an insane Chicano woman waving a pool cue. No, I seem to remember this column having something to do with movie reviews, and taking the best and brightest Hollywood has to offer and exposing it to the harsh, shit-flinging light of day. That's what pays the bills, anyhow. Let's take another stab at that flabby Hollywood ass, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
Yoho, America. It hasn't exactly been a pirate's life for Roland McS lately, though I did get seasick the other day after taking a nap on a friend's waterbed. Okay, you caught me in a lie there; I didn't actually know the guy. But this isn't a column about my recent Goldilocks antics, though I'm sure many a pirate wandered into the wrong apartment (or boat) and slept in some stranger's bed until they were awoken by an insane Chicano woman waving a pool cue. No, I seem to remember this column having something to do with movie reviews, and taking the best and brightest Hollywood has to offer and exposing it to the harsh, shit-flinging light of day. That's what pays the bills, anyhow. Let's take another stab at that flabby Hollywood ass, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
The Grunge
According to urban legend, when an Alterna-rocker dies in a fit of angst, his or her soul carries on to haunt the living in suspenseful and self-pityingly gothic ways. That's what I heard from the guy down at Kinko's, anyway, and apparently the suits down at Columbia Pictures talked to the same guy and decided to make a movie out of it. So leave it to Generation Y to clean up the lazy, ironic messes their older Generation X siblings left behind, as forever teen Sarah Michelle Gellar takes on The Grunge using nothing but her innate spunk and a spray bottle of spunk remover.
The film's mood and suspense were first-rate, since I didn't believe that Gellar would ever be able to get Layne Staley out of those drapes. Though I did have to question the film's inclusion of Blind Melon frontman Shannon Hoon, since that guy had about as much angst as the frothy head on a cappuccino. But I admit it did give them a decent excuse to bring that terrifying bee girl back from the grave. I don't know about you, but this is one film reviewer who won't be putting honey on his corn flakes for months.
Ralphie
Jude Law stars in this unlikely sequel to the much beloved 80's classic A Christmas Story, the harrowing tale of a school shooter's childhood years in a dysfunctional Midwestern family. Loved though the original film was, few were demanding a sequel, unless they were demanding it in a private, secret shame kind of way. I sure as hell never heard them. Jesus, you think you know people.
Regardless, they did make a sequel, this one taking place twenty years after the original, which follows an adult poon-hound Ralphie on his rounds through high society. Law's tender narration is a little grating this time around, since he's mostly talking about how much he wants to scrooge some dilettante, and frankly it's a little confusing at times since Law is all grown up now, so he and his mental narrator use the same voice. It might have been best to find a really old Jude Law sound-alike to do the voice-over narration, to reduce the confusion and possibly to add a touch of poetic perspective to the young Law's desperate ass fancy.
Teen America Womb Police
Those screwballs behind the R-rated antics of the Peanuts gang are at it again, only this time they're at something totally unrelated to what they did before, so it's not really "again." Sorry for the confusion. This time they're taking on the world of puppetry like a bee sting in the penis. Cashing in their two cents on America's hysterical reaction to the teen pregnancy epidemic, Teen America Womb Police finally gives Sly Stone and Peter Parker a chance to show the world what they think crappy marionettes say about the current state of our union.
If you're not a fan of the Morning After pill (or its generic equivalents, the Lost Weekend pill and the What the Fuck Happened? pill), let me warn you that you may come away offended. Also, if you happen to have a problem with violent gay sex with polar bears, you might want to leave shortly after the opening credits. And a note to my friends over at the Parent Alert movie ratings site: this is not the film to see with your fragile Catholic mother. As for me, Roland McShyster tends to fall into the Keep Your Laws Off My Body camp (unless we're talking about Jude Law, then I say Bring It On), so I wasn't nearly as offended as the little girl sitting to my right who threw up during the polar bear rape scene.
That's it, America. Fuck off, you've overstayed your welcome.   |
