Americans Submit to Oil Company Rule

rom coast to coast, American drivers are facing the soaring cost of gasoline in the midst of economic hardship. The highest pump price was $2.54 a gallon last week in San Diego, and many are worried the costs will continue to rise as OPEC announced recently it would cut back, not increase, oil production. Unhappily, most Americans shrugged and bowed to corporate bidding in response.

"It's the inevitability of a corporate oligarchy," said Trenton, New Jersey resident Manuel Torres, while filling his Vista Cruiser. "What can you do?"

Indeed the general consensus by the public matches Torres' intention to bend over and suffer through the economic buggering. Americans are filling up their cars no less, demanding no new changes in import laws or fuel regulations, and are still buying gas-sucking SUVs in ridiculous numbers. Media watchers, lurking in the bushes, speculate it might not stem from a lack of information on the issues so much as a total demolition of the will to resist, and the death of democracy.

"Nobody wants to pay so much for gas, but it doesn't seem like you got any choice," summed up Marilyn Hoscomb of Richmond, Virginia, at a Shell station where the prices had reached $1.84. "We've squandered our freedom voting for parties who have crippled unions and segregated the public on meaningless issues of morality. Now that our spineless leaders are firmly in the pocket of gargantuan energy firms, even mobilizing voter turnout, an impossible feat, would do little to help us. I suppose I'll just fill up during the week and not go driving as much on the weekends."

The issue has stimulated some political discussion, with Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry promising to put the pressure on oil-producing countries to give us more gas. "That ought to solve the problem forever," said Kerry, clapping his hands together and crossing his arms. Bush countered by accusing Kerry of wanting to raise taxes on gas, something Republicans have never done before, and offering no insight on how to stem the problem, but the mere fact he mentioned the problem ought to make us normal citizens feel privileged.

Custard Patch, Wyoming's Jed McGernihey found the higher gas prices affecting his livelihood, as the cost to refuel his gypsy U-Haul continues to skyrocket. "I used to be able to cover my expenses, but gas costs so much I might have to find me a new line of work. I don't know why the government ain't doing nothing about it—unless the very same people we put into office are nothing but cheap puppets of the energy industry, companies like Enron and Halliburton, corrupt and bloated with profits and high-paid CEOs. Companies that safeguard their interests by pocketing political figures to turn a blind eye to their number-fixing, book-altering, and price inflating, which says nothing of their hazardous safety records and environmental pollution—but all of whom remain free from the punishment of the law because they own the lawmakers, and only have to answer to the deceived stockholders to stay afloat. Of course, that's just a guess."

Professor Lawrence Dill Vanderhouten of Harvard's Political Science Department, addressed the gas pricing issue for the commune.

"Shit, I got me no clue," said Professor Vanderhouten. "I'm gonna wait till it drops down again and then buy a thousand dollars worth of gas. I'll freeze it and sell it when the price goes up again. Make a killing and get out of this shit job."

ednesday's attacks in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, in which four former US soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush before their bodies were dismembered, dragged behind cars and hung from a bridge by an angry mob, created a conundrum for television networks faced with the tough moral question of how to best profit from these shocking images.

"If we show them, we make a shitload of money," explained ABC News spokesperson Al Reuben. "If we don't show them, maybe we can claim the moral high ground and make a shitload of money down the line. It's a tough call."

Least troubled by the moral quandary was Fox News, whose plans to strap a helmet-cam to one of the dead bodies were scrapped when the angry mob grew impatient waiting for technicians to get a reading on the gray levels.

"Americans have a right to see this footage," opined Fox News Executive Producer Leonard Williams. "And we have the right to boost our ratings through the fuckin' roof by being the first to show the really awful parts that make you want to throw up. If anybody out there was blindly discharging a firearm into their Arab neighbor's house yesterday, you know they were watching hard-hitting Fox News."

Other networks took the debate more seriously, holding off on showing the footage through the morning, and then gradually releasing more and more of the horrible images throughout the day as it became apparent that Internet sites were kicking their ratings in the balls by showing the Fallujah footage uncut. By Wednesday evening the gloves were off and charred bodies were seen dangling from the Euphrates River bridge on most major networks.

"We really didn't want to show the footage of those kids beating the guy's flaming corpse with their shoes," explained CBS Evening News spokesperson Clint Adams. "But then we realized, 'Jesus Christ, we're losing money here!' I feel truly bad for the families of these men, and any children who may have been forever scarred by these images, but come on. You know how much money we made off that Somalia footage? Shit."

While the long-term impact of these images is yet to be seen, experts speculate that the American people being reminded that "Oh yeah, war is really ugly and horrible and stuff" can only harm the president's chances for reelection in November, not to mention driving the final nail into the coffin of Iraqi tourism.

"We owe it to future history to inform the American people of what's really going on over there," offered Marcus Graves of ABC News. "Maybe because of this footage being in the collective memory, next time we'll think twice about going to war again."

When asked by the commune news if he was shitting us, Graves admitted that yeah, he kind of was, but it sounds a lot better than saying you make your living selling people grisly video death. No argument here.

Hello persons holy shits. So much to tell of Boris story, no times for kidding words. So sorry, but Boris will put in funny jokes times two in next time column.

Story does start with Boris living wild life thing on road with Angels from Hell friends, so much fun like road trip and sleepover all rolled inside same burrito. So cool yes, but then Angels from Hell friends does funny thing, selling Boris to this bar as cigar-selling Indian person. Good joke, Hell Angels. Is boring job, to stand outside bar with Indian hat on and do nothings, but is okay. Does give Boris time to think of columns and why come sky is blue when air is white, but clouds is white when water is invisible color. So strange.

Boris does miss Angels from Hell friends sometimes, but now has important job. Because persons does only like to buy cigars from Indians, and Boris is this pretend Indian. No person does know truth of Boris in this thing, them thinking Boris is 100% Indian meat. Only bad thing is persons does always come up to ask Boris "How?" but Boris doesn't not know how. Only real life Indians does know this.

Boris does not see Hell Angels since they did trade him to bar for case of beef jerkys. Like friend Bitch Killer does say, them must ramble on like shark thing that does not want to die. If shark stops the swimming, him does die because then he is eaten by angry fish, and same thing for Angels from Hell. Now Boris does has bad dreams about angry eating fish, no good.

Bar place is owned by Mahowney, big person who does smell like pickles all times. Mahowney tells story that Angels from Hell trade Boris because Boris stuffed animal collection does become too big to fit on chopping motorcycle, and no person likes Boris singing Motown all times. So Mahowney takes in Boris to live in little basement closet room with vacuum sucking cleaner and ball for bowling. Is okay, but ball does make shit pillow.

This is good new life for Boris for while, but does get tired of childrens shooting arrows at Indian Boris and Mahowney yelling not to smoke all cigars. So mean sometimes, this boss person, when Boris only wants to show all persons how good is smoking. Also Boris does try to eat cigar like in cartoon but that is such a sick tummy for non-cartoon person, trust Boris.

Soon Boris decide to leave this bar place, to take show on road, when finds out him cannot leave because is like Pinocchio. This is story of boy with real wood, you know the thing. Mahowney will not let Boris go until paid for beef jerkys and so many cigars, such expensive things never to happen because Boris gets paid only coins that persons drop on accidentally and that money is for to buy Runyons and Red Hots for snacking.

But is okay, because badguy Mahowney boss does not know Boris is so smart to burn down bar and escape from basement Pinocchio prison thing. To tell truth, this is accident from Boris smoking cigar in dark closet, but does work also as such smart plan for Boris to run away from capture, so nice.

Now, for what is Boris? Good questioning. Until gets boring, Boris thinks he is railway hobo person for adventure. Yes, Louis and Similar to Skippy dog would be so proud like Mother of Boris. Persons in Homeland who does say Boris is big turd on floor of life cannot see railroad hobo Boris now! Goodbye column.

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