eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.�

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like my Lumina,� mused mission controller Mark Banks. “Looks like beautiful. Drives like shit.�

“As the owner’s manual states clearly in twelve point Helvetica, it is not recommended that the Rover be driven outside of the country,� explained GM’s Jungels when told about NASA’s car trouble. “Foreign gasoline is rarely up to US standards, and you never know what kind of weird-assed Chink nail you’re going to kick up from the road.�

Asked whether the red planet would fall under his classification of “outside of the country,� Jungels was emphatic. “Shit yeah.�

The scene at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena, CA was a desperate one over the weekend, with a crowd of engineers hunched over the Rover’s remote display terminal, offering a cacophony of suggestions. “Turn it over… no, jiggle the… you’re flooding it!�

According to NASA officials, the Rover failed soon after rolling of its landing platform on the Martian surface, and the “check engine� light has been on since last Tuesday.

“My dad was right, we never should have bought American,� lamented NASA engineer Richard Bennett, echoing a popular sentiment at mission control. Due to budgetary cutbacks, NASA’s original plan for a high tech NASA-only Rover designed by Honda and Toshiba had to be scaled back in favor of a more modest proposal before launch. The Detroit automaker’s low APR financing was said to be a major deciding factor for cash-strapped NASA.

“The funny thing is, the radio still works fine,� chuckled a bemused Bennett. “Clear as a bell. We’ve been listening to K-BIG all weekend, their whole doo-wop countdown. Except when Mickels is in charge, he likes to channel surf and we usually get stuck listening to some bullshit AC-DC song. If there is any intelligent life on Mars, they’re going to think we’ve got really shitty taste in music.�

Though it may be of cold comfort given the mission’s $850 million price tag, GM customer service representatives have assured NASA that the offending control module will be replaced free of charge, as soon as NASA can bring the Rover in to any of the over 7,500 authorized GM dealers in the United States and Canada.

en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.

Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explanatory "blow job" facial expression using her tongue and cheek.

The resultant public outcry once newspapers picked up on the story led to a prompt public retraction from the New York senator.

"Mahatma Gandhi was a great man, and I sincerely apologize if I ever gave any indication to the contrary," Sen. Clinton stated in apology. "He was a true gift to humanity."

"You can ask anybody whose choad he smoked," added Clinton after a brief pause.

The outrage incensed by Clinton's previous statements flared up like a gas-soaked Buddhist monk when word of her apology hit the street.

"I'm visibly offended," blustered Tonight Show joke writer George Mattson. "Everybody knows Gandhi material is my thing. If she thinks she can horn in on my comedic territory, she's got another thing coming. I've got years worth of 'Damn, Chelsea Ugly' jokes saved up. Years. Also I've also been meaning to say that Hillary looks suspiciously like she should be Bill's mother. Now I'm going to say it."

"Hillary has been trying to inject humor into her public persona lately," explained publicist Aria Hershberg. "She's understandably tired of coming off as the prototypical lesbian stuffed shirt in mannish shoes, and who can blame her? Just play along, trust me. She's still new at this and it can take a while for an adult to develop a personality belatedly, just give her a little time. And actually I thought the thing she said about the giraffe's gynecologist was kind of funny. Maybe you had to be there."

Displaying a unique talent for shoveling shit straight into an oncoming hurricane, Sen. Clinton has dug herself deeper with each successive quote following the incident.

"Listen, listen, I have admired the work and life of Mahatma Gandhi and have spoken publicly about that many times," explained Clinton at a recent charity dinner. "What I said the other day was just a lame attempt at humor. I sincerely apologize for suggesting the honorable Mahatma Gandhi would tongue your balls for a dollar."

After a relieved sigh from diners, Clinton continued. "What I should have said was 'Mahatma Gandhi's mama so ugly she could knock the dot off a Hindu at twenty paces!'"

In spite of recent public relations setbacks, Clinton's attempts at developing a sense of humor show no signs of flagging. In the last week, Sen. Clinton has spoken out in support of legislation "to make math easier for retards" and has gone public with the incredibly dated quip that "the next time I see Michael Gorbachev, I'm gonna wipe that thing off his head. What's up with that thing, really?"

Hello reading man, is Boris is here. So many thing to tell about Boris life, and so not much space on postcard. Read slow, and Boris will try to fit in many thing.

First funny thing that happens is about Boris friend of bird. One day, Boris is chopping up road on motorcycle thing when all suddenly there is knock-knock on helmet like hello is Boris home. Only is just one knock and so loud like get out of bed asswipe knock. Boris is looking around for knocker person who is not there, so strange.

But then is time to look in lap and realize knock is from bird thing that flies into Boris helmet! Him is thinking this is sky space for bird flying. Nope, bird is wrong and dead. But at this time Boris does think bird is only resting from knock so loud, thing does make birds tired.

So Boris is taking care of new sleeping bird friend, carrying on shoulder like decoration for pirate during day and putting in special bird sleeping bag at nighttimes. Is nice bag with picture of oranges. But oh no, after fun bird week Angels from Hell friends start to ask why Boris does smell like rotten dead ass and there is vote that bird is dead. So sad. Bird does go to goodbye in big metal dumpster coffin thing and Angel does fart like Taps song. Is like in movie when Old Yellow dog does die.

What else is story to tell? Oh, there is thing! Boris does get hand stuck in vending machine at resting stop. And Angels from Hell wants to leave so them does has to drag machine thing behind chopping motorcycle until grabbing machine does fall aparts. So funny. Happy ending is that Boris holds onto Clark bar and does get chocolate reward for this vending adventure.

Life on roads is good times, but Boris does miss Louis robot friend and Similar to Skippy dog. So sad to remember way Similar to Skippy dog does eat the fish out of garbage can all times, and does throws up because him is allergic to fishes. This is nice memory that is family.

But new Angels from Hell family does has good memories also. Like friend Crammer, who falls asleep with hand in water all times and is always pissing pants while sleeping. So funny in morning time for persons not sleeping next to Crammer friend. Sometimes him does forget to do this thing so other Angels help by finding bowl of water for hand. Then there is time Crammer does fall asleep out of doors with hand in puddle, and in morning pants are so pissed to be frozen! Him walking like Frankensteins to try and catch other laughing Angels, so funny when pants are not bending.

Mainly Boris does miss the TV. Road is like same show all times. Boris does get different glasses at gas station to make for different channels, good idea. There is red channel, green channel, yellow channel. Also blurry channel and very large channel but those shows so bad for eyes, cannot watch so long. Is fun thing but not so good as real TVs. Boris is wondering who is winning Fortunate Wheel or at That's Not the Price of This Thing! shows. Such facts not in newspaper! So sad. Boris is thinking to get small motorcycle TV, but so hard to find one does run on wind power or magics. Maybe is thing in Brookstone catalog but Boris can't not get such thing delivered to chopping motorcycle.

Oh well. Boris will wait for new bird friend to come. Goodbye column.

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