eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.�

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like my Lumina,� mused mission controller Mark Banks. “Looks like beautiful. Drives like shit.�

“As the owner’s manual states clearly in twelve point Helvetica, it is not recommended that the Rover be driven outside of the country,� explained GM’s Jungels when told about NASA’s car trouble. “Foreign gasoline is rarely up to US standards, and you never know what kind of weird-assed Chink nail you’re going to kick up from the road.�

Asked whether the red planet would fall under his classification of “outside of the country,� Jungels was emphatic. “Shit yeah.�

The scene at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena, CA was a desperate one over the weekend, with a crowd of engineers hunched over the Rover’s remote display terminal, offering a cacophony of suggestions. “Turn it over… no, jiggle the… you’re flooding it!�

According to NASA officials, the Rover failed soon after rolling of its landing platform on the Martian surface, and the “check engine� light has been on since last Tuesday.

“My dad was right, we never should have bought American,� lamented NASA engineer Richard Bennett, echoing a popular sentiment at mission control. Due to budgetary cutbacks, NASA’s original plan for a high tech NASA-only Rover designed by Honda and Toshiba had to be scaled back in favor of a more modest proposal before launch. The Detroit automaker’s low APR financing was said to be a major deciding factor for cash-strapped NASA.

“The funny thing is, the radio still works fine,� chuckled a bemused Bennett. “Clear as a bell. We’ve been listening to K-BIG all weekend, their whole doo-wop countdown. Except when Mickels is in charge, he likes to channel surf and we usually get stuck listening to some bullshit AC-DC song. If there is any intelligent life on Mars, they’re going to think we’ve got really shitty taste in music.�

Though it may be of cold comfort given the mission’s $850 million price tag, GM customer service representatives have assured NASA that the offending control module will be replaced free of charge, as soon as NASA can bring the Rover in to any of the over 7,500 authorized GM dealers in the United States and Canada.

en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.

Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explanatory "blow job" facial expression using her tongue and cheek.

The resultant public outcry once newspapers picked up on the story led to a prompt public retraction from the New York senator.

"Mahatma Gandhi was a great man, and I sincerely apologize if I ever gave any indication to the contrary," Sen. Clinton stated in apology. "He was a true gift to humanity."

"You can ask anybody whose choad he smoked," added Clinton after a brief pause.

The outrage incensed by Clinton's previous statements flared up like a gas-soaked Buddhist monk when word of her apology hit the street.

"I'm visibly offended," blustered Tonight Show joke writer George Mattson. "Everybody knows Gandhi material is my thing. If she thinks she can horn in on my comedic territory, she's got another thing coming. I've got years worth of 'Damn, Chelsea Ugly' jokes saved up. Years. Also I've also been meaning to say that Hillary looks suspiciously like she should be Bill's mother. Now I'm going to say it."

"Hillary has been trying to inject humor into her public persona lately," explained publicist Aria Hershberg. "She's understandably tired of coming off as the prototypical lesbian stuffed shirt in mannish shoes, and who can blame her? Just play along, trust me. She's still new at this and it can take a while for an adult to develop a personality belatedly, just give her a little time. And actually I thought the thing she said about the giraffe's gynecologist was kind of funny. Maybe you had to be there."

Displaying a unique talent for shoveling shit straight into an oncoming hurricane, Sen. Clinton has dug herself deeper with each successive quote following the incident.

"Listen, listen, I have admired the work and life of Mahatma Gandhi and have spoken publicly about that many times," explained Clinton at a recent charity dinner. "What I said the other day was just a lame attempt at humor. I sincerely apologize for suggesting the honorable Mahatma Gandhi would tongue your balls for a dollar."

After a relieved sigh from diners, Clinton continued. "What I should have said was 'Mahatma Gandhi's mama so ugly she could knock the dot off a Hindu at twenty paces!'"

In spite of recent public relations setbacks, Clinton's attempts at developing a sense of humor show no signs of flagging. In the last week, Sen. Clinton has spoken out in support of legislation "to make math easier for retards" and has gone public with the incredibly dated quip that "the next time I see Michael Gorbachev, I'm gonna wipe that thing off his head. What's up with that thing, really?"

I have been accused in the past, not here, of allowing my immense ego to get in the way of the profitability of my ventures. Not here, as I said—usually just outside the pages of the commune. Not in the park, I mean, or my personal estate, except for in the office part. Usually, it happens inside the walls of the commune offices, from around 6 in the evening to 7 p.m. Okay, Gay says it. It's all Gay saying it. He has accused me of ego-centric management.

It was not meant as a compliment either, dear readers. Gay Bagel may be my beloved brother, but it's more than clear he has a personal ax to grind with me. He believes the internet is a place to make money—clearly he has not followed the internet news since 1997. He points to successful sites and asks, "Why can't we do that?" And usually he's talking about making money. Or he poses interesting questions, like, "How does selling Romanian dick growth pills interfere with our objective journalism?" I can't really answer questions like that. I laugh way too much. But it is plainly Gay's intention to take over the commune and make it his golden ticket to Willy Wonkaville. If that makes any sense. I guess you have to see the movie or read the book.

I have been trying to keep it under my hat, where I keep my Jolly Ranchers, but Gay and I have basically settled out of court. I have agreed to allow him on staff as the Ulterior Motive Manager, Class VII, under the condition he drop the lawsuit and he can keep 50% of any profit the commune shows under his guidance. I figured it was a done deal. He would get in here, become infatuated with the slack work ethic everyone else here has, and it would rub off. But he's not rubbing the right way. He's still 100% Gay, as far as I can tell.

He has been such a depressing presence in the office many members of the staff have taken to calling him "buzzkill," because of the way they want to cut him up with a rusty saw blade. The only one who gets along with him at all is Ramrod Hurley, and we all hate him. Even eternal wart on the commune's ass Raoul Dunkin has said it is no fun to work here since Gay came aboard. But then again, he said that day in-day out before Gay arrived, too. But now I believe he means it. So we have two problems: How do we get rid of Gay Bagel? And how do we keep him from reading about our plans to get rid of him while he's editing our columns?

Of course, when I say "edit" our columns, it's more like an honorary position, like Britney Spears' vocals on her own albums. We changed everything back to how we want it after he has made his changes, and I don't believe he's noticed. We still maintain some control of the office, since I have told him the monkey has the only other spare key, and I'm not about to wrestle it from his hands. But sooner or later Gay will think to ask for a duplicate of my own key, and he might be crazy enough to wrestle me for it. Sir, I am backed up against the wall, and not like Michael Douglas in that sexy movie.

At first, compromising the commune to settle things with Gay seemed like a good idea. That was before I realized I would have to do things in a way we were both agreeable to. I won't have it, sir, I won't. If it were up to Gay, we would check employee references, write only stories based on valid sources, and buy real office furniture instead of hiring non-English speaking people to fill those positions. In short, the entire fabric of the commune as you've come to know it will unravel.

I have only one real plan to defeat Gay's aims without complication: the commune readership must drop by at least 50%, so I can justify ousting his ass. So stop reading the commune—stop right now! And tell a friend to stop. If you have told a friend to read the commune before, tell them you were mistaken, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Our research is very poor and I'm not convinced Roland McShyster even watches those movies. It's entirely possible some of our income goes to support terrorism. It's not all that far-fetched, given the amount of drug use around here.

Any way you can help will be most appreciated, loyal reader.

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