ith the second confirmed case of SARS reported in the Guangdong province last week, the Chinese government has stepped up its campaign to wipe out all animals with the potential for carrying the virus, including the “four dangers�: cats, little yappy dogs, loud tropical birds and those goldfish with the gross big eyes. Despite accusations that this is just the Chinese government’s excuse to get rid of millions of annoying pets, officials insist the mass slaughter is necessary to ensure the public health.

The central focus of the crackdown has been cats, a delicacy in China and finer trailer parks around the United States and personal pet peeve of Chinese President Hu Jintao. Cats were targeted after rumors surfaced that China’s first SARS case of the season, a 32-year-old television producer from Guangzhou, may have contracted the virus after eating SARS-tainted cat meat. Though the producer later revealed that he had never eaten cats and must have contracted the virus elsewhere, Chinese officials insist that he probably accidentally ate a cat some time without knowing it, which can happen to anybody.

World Health Organization officials met with the Chinese president last week in hopes of stemming the slaughter, but such hopes were dashed when the meetings devolved into a hilarious Abbott and Costello routine of “Hu’s on first?� with the Chinese leader. While concerns remain that the Chinese slaughter of cats may destroy valuable evidence, if not aid in spreading the virus further to workers hit by cat shrapnel, progress is unlikely since WHO officials have been unable to breach the subject without inspiraing hilarious riffing about a second baseman named Noh Ba Di.

Early attempts at eradicating the cats through drowning, punching, and firing squad failed after Chinese workers grew bored with these pedestrian means of cat-killing. Later attempts at scaring all the cats in China to death with a special gigantic vacuum cleaner proved unsuccessful, though hilarious, and by the end of the week more creative and entertaining methods of cat eradication were being sought. On Thursday, over ten thousand cats were shot out of an air cannon at a large brick wall painted to look like a big dog.

By the weekend, the feline holocaust was proceeding on several fronts simultaneously, with a veritable midway of cat-killing attractions thrilling Chinese spectators all through the day and night. Popular attractions included the “Kick a Cat Off the Cliff� booth, the “Give a Cat the Gift of Flight� strength-testing event, the children’s favorite “Cat in a Hat Full of Cyanide� and a humorously themed Catapult. While successful, officials had to put an end to the gasoline-soaked cat-on-fire races due to problems arising from rampant gambling on the event.

Everyone got into the spirit by week’s end, with Guangzhou newspapers running front-page pictures of a smiling Mayor Zhang Guangning smashing a kitten with a giant wooden mallet. The Guangzhou airport was shut down briefly on Saturday was thousands of cats were scooped into running jet engines in a desperate attempt to meet the weekend deadline.

On Thursday, China’s second recent SARS case was declared after a 20-year-old waitress was isolated in a Guangzhou hospital. Though it is not clear whether the woman worked in a restaurant that served wild game, Chinese officials consider that detail to be inconsequential since she could have contracted the virus while camping, driving near nature, or watching the SARS-infected Disney animated film, Bambi.

omeland Security experts are blaming probable excessive alcohol consumption among Al-Qaeda members for the lack of an earth-shattering, soul-crushing, make-you-wish-you-were-born-dead terrorist attack expected last week over the New Year's holiday. Despite the recent elevation of the nation's security level to code orange ("Citrus-Flavored Death"), the New Year was rung in without incident, excepting the usual rash of DUI fatalities and celebratory gunshot deaths that are customary for this time of year.

Despite the lack of festive atrocities, few can blame Western governments for a lack of preparation. Security was tighter than a duck's ass at New Year's celebrations all over the United States, with precautions taken to ensure that only revelers too drunk to carry out sophisticated terrorist plots would be allowed to attend.

Security was especially tight-assed in Las Vegas, where field reports indicated security was also especially high and obnoxious. Thanks to FBI warnings that Al-Qaeda thinks Las Vegas is "tacky," security considerations for Fox's annual "America's Party" televised concert and shmoozeapalooza at the Venetian Resort Hotel/Casino bordered on the Orwellian. In an especially innovative precaution, Fox held a fake New Year's Eve celebration on Dec 30th, complete with a diversion concert to draw out terrorists unfamiliar with American traditions and the "Thirty days hath September" rule. Unfortunately, this security measure failed due to a lack of starpower so blatant even foreign nationals unfamiliar with western culture noticed. The faux-bash, headlined by 80's holdovers Dexy's Midnight Runners, failed to elicit the terrorist onslaught hoped for by Homeland Security heads and music fans everywhere.

"It wouldn't have been that hard to fool these guys into thinking it was a real New Year's countdown party," bitched reveler Danny Postum. "Hootie and the Blowfish probably would have been good enough, or the Pretenders. I'm just pissed I bought tickets to the wrong fucking concert."

"What is with this bullshit?" asked Aman Halazi of Jordan. "We get better bands than this in Jordan. I could pull a better concert out of my dick-hole."

Due to the unconvincing ruse, many of the bands and celebrities scheduled to appear at the actual New Year's celebration sent celebrity impersonators and sound-alike bands in their stead, a move that might have proved controversial if anyone had noticed. Metallica, Ashanti and Paris Hilton could not be reached for comment, but all seemed pissed that their impersonators had all parlayed their appearances into lucrative recording and television deals.

Meanwhile, aviation officials for British Airways have cancelled all flights between London and Washington D.C. since New Year's Eve amidst credible threats of a plane-based attack on the American capitol. Frustrated travelers, however, have been calling for evidence of the threat and proof that the pilots aren't just too hungover to fly.

"The threat against Britith.. British Airwings is real and evident," announced FBI spokesman Walter Hammel, wincing from a post-New Year's hangover. "Several names on the passenger manifolds for recent flights have match… oh Jesus… uh, matched those of gnome terrorists." Hammel quickly excused himself as he sprinted in the direction of the men's room.

While the names in question turned out to belong to an elderly Chinese woman, a six-year-old boy and a chain of donut shops, British defense analyst Paul Bever insisted the threat was real.

"Oh yeah, totallyabigdealok…" slurred Bever, reeking vividly of rum.

"Oh Jesus," moaned a remorseful Hammel, passing through the room in a daze. "I just took a shit they're going to write folk songs about. Get out of my way."

Meanwhile in America, the FBI sent out a bizarre bulletin on Christmas Eve, warning police departments nationwide to be on the lookout for any potential terrorists carrying almanacs, fact-filled books that could conceivably be used in planning terrorist attacks.

"The FBI cautions you to be on the lookout for suspicious characters seen in possession of almanacs, maps, Cliff's Notes or volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica," the statement read. "We also advise you to detain anyone asking for directions."

"Look, let's not get carried away here. They're not saying you should shoot to kill the first time you see somebody with an almanac," explained terrorism expert and terrible dancer Ted Heyman, in response to America's collectively arched eyebrow. "A wing-shot should be plenty to put any fact-seeking terrorist out of commission until well after the holidays."

Now that America has had a few post-Christmas weeks to calm down from the wet dream of capturing deposed dictator Saddam Hussein, we have to ask ourselves the very real question: What to do with the prick? And by us, I mean, Bush and his friends. After all, they were the ones who put their necks on the line to bring him to justice. It's not like the American people had any part in it at all.

The immediate consideration for the administration, beyond getting re-elected in November, speaking just in terms of the Saddam Hussein issue, is how to classify Saddam Hussein. Original classifications of "a tubby, hairy hole-livin' weapons-hider" proved to just be White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan having fun with reporters. No, seriously, the administration later stated, Saddam Hussein is to be classified as a POW, at least until such time as it becomes better political fuel to classify him otherwise.

It's no wonder the Saddam Hussein issue is being handled so delicately, like a hemaphroditic baby. There's no end to the kinds of information Saddam Hussein could tell us about his wondrous country. How he managed to make an entire population docile, unwilling to fight back and unseat him from his government, and how to antagonize other world leaders for 13 years running. It's the exact kind of thing vital to the Bush administration's plans for a second term.

Not to mention Hussein's biggest talents, either hiding incredibly large reserves of weapons of mass destruction, or making the world believe he has large reserves of weapons of mass destruction which he doesn't really possess. If you consider it, either is an amazing ability of limitless benefit to any world leader.

Imagine the amount of power any world leader could accrue if he could stockpile massive numbers of chemical, biological, or even nuclear weapons, and then hide them from the notice of everyone in the world. Even the world's greatest weapons-finders wouldn't be able to unearth them. So greatly hidden would these weapons be, world leaders would have to write them down and never lose the paper telling where they were, otherwise they'd be forever lost.

Or, even if it's true, as critics of the administration and pure logic tells us, there never were any weapons of mass destruction, imagine that. You're talking hot shit now. You could spend nil on weapons for defense, or offense, shell out all your money for educational and social programs to take care of your population or investing in creating new jobs, and not have to spend a dime on weapons. The world would believe you have them and never want to see them. It would be like being the most economically and militarily powerful country in the world, for half the money.

All of this, of course, hinges on the classification of Saddam Hussein. It's imperative now the United States keep the rest of the world away from the dictator. If we need to juggle his classification, from war criminal to jailed drunk or whatever, anything to keep outside investigators from sneaking and finding out his fat juicy secrets, we should do it. Sure, the U.S. might not even really need any of those secrets. But Saddam Hussein is, as the Bush administration (the first and the unpopular sequel) has attested for years, the most dangerous criminal mastermind to ever live. Never should we forget this propaganda, and we must keep him from passing his secrets on to other world dicks.

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