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January 26, 2004   
Draw, huckleberry
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

GM Orders Mars Rover RecallJanuary 26, 2004
Detroit, MI
AP
General Motors’ Mars Rover SUV, pictured here with the popular “Johnny Five” Sportspak option
G
eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.”

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like m...Read more...

Hillary Clinton Regrets "Cock-Smoking" Gandhi Joke

January 19, 2004
Saint Louis, MO
Alton Onus
Sen. Clinton, delivering her "It takes two hands to give Bush the bird, but it's worth it" show-stopper
S
en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.

Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explana...Read more...

Michael Jackson completely innocent, assures fan who never met him
Escaped sex offender enjoys legal loop hole, several other holes
White men dominate science positions, all non-sports positions
Gold, shotguns, ammunition, fallout shelters all make strong showings



January 19, 2004
Click for Biography

Premature Termination

I'm happy to inform everyone following my adventures I have made some headway in my efforts to redesign how the commune is managed. Red Bagel finally agreed to cut some of the office fat and fire three employees whose jobs are redundant. Of course, the catch was I had to be two of the employees—I'm not even sure how the physics of that works out, it would apparently at least involve him firing me twice. Needless to say, I put off accepting that deal until I can reach some sort of agreement with him in which other redundant employees are fired and I'm allowed to retain my position. But still, it's progress.

Don't let this leave you with the impression I like firing people. It's the least favorite part of my job, or it would be, if I was allowed to do it. I suppose it might rank...Read more...

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Milestones
1982: Fred Connor born, grows up to lead successful rebellion against war of the machines in 2011. Or at least he would have been, if a Terminator hadn't successfully eliminated him from history, according to Research Editor Griswald Dreck.
Now Hiring
Good Terminator. Talking to Griswald Dreck has made us see the wisdom of employing a preventative Terminator security system, preferably a skilled Terminator robot who has been reprogrammed to protect commune staff members. No pay or retirement plans—yours is not to reason why, just to do and die.
Top Unrevealed Bush Tax Cut Benefits
1.Paper currency disintegrates upon touching hands of lower classes
2.Top 1 percent of wealth holders can legally eat cloned dinosaur
3.Five new interns approved for every Democrat who votes for cuts
4.Third Star Wars movie legally required to be drastic improvement
5.Millions of tax dollars refunded to rich; T-shirts for poor
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Bush Slips the Court a Bigot

View Past Columns
BY johan sebastian crackersnatch
1/19/2004
Pirates of the Terrible Kind
"Arr," growled Captain Blueballs as his ship, the Black Mama, crept slowly into cursed waters.

"These waters be cursed," announced Blueballs gravely.

"But Cap'n," asked Nonose. "Weren't you the one who cursed them?"

"Makes no difference," explained Blueballs. "I dropped me favorite soap in these waters years ago. They be cursed as far as I be concerned."

"Arr, Captain." His first mate, Matey, agreed.

"Arr. Uh… old chum," replied the captain.

"Shiver me bilge snake, ye lily-wiper!" barked Blueballs to Leonard.

"Sorry Cap'n, didn't understand a word you just said," apologized Leonard, who was new to pirating.

Blueballs shot Leonard a disgusted glare.

"Keelhaul me gapers or y...Read more...