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Hillary Clinton Regrets "Cock-Smoking" Gandhi JokeJanuary 19, 2004 |
Saint Louis, MO Alton Onus Sen. Clinton, delivering her "It takes two hands to give Bush the bird, but it's worth it" show-stopper
Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explana...
en. Hillary Rodham Clinton apologized this week for referring to Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi as a "cock-smoking son of a bitch" in a speech at a Democratic fund-raiser earlier in the month. Insisting the statement was taken out of context, the former first lady explained that she was merely attempting to liven up her speech by making humorous reference to the deceased leader's man-pleasing proclivities.
Clinton's bizarre comments came while speaking in support of Senate candidate Nancy Farmer. The former first lady introduced the aspiring senator to the fund-raiser crowd with a comparison to Gandhi, suggesting that both had blown more men than the A-bomb. The stunned silence of the room turned to nervous laughter when the former first lady followed her comment with an explanatory "blow job" facial expression using her tongue and cheek.
The resultant public outcry once newspapers picked up on the story led to a prompt public retraction from the New York senator.
"Mahatma Gandhi was a great man, and I sincerely apologize if I ever gave any indication to the contrary," Sen. Clinton stated in apology. "He was a true gift to humanity."
"You can ask anybody whose choad he smoked," added Clinton after a brief pause.
The outrage incensed by Clinton's previous statements flared up like a gas-soaked Buddhist monk when word of her apology hit the street.
"I'm visibly offended," blustered Tonight Show joke writer George Mattson. "Everybody knows Gandhi material is my thing. If she thinks she can horn in on my comedic territory, she's got another thing coming. I've got years worth of 'Damn, Chelsea Ugly' jokes saved up. Years. Also I've also been meaning to say that Hillary looks suspiciously like she should be Bill's mother. Now I'm going to say it."
"Hillary has been trying to inject humor into her public persona lately," explained publicist Aria Hershberg. "She's understandably tired of coming off as the prototypical lesbian stuffed shirt in mannish shoes, and who can blame her? Just play along, trust me. She's still new at this and it can take a while for an adult to develop a personality belatedly, just give her a little time. And actually I thought the thing she said about the giraffe's gynecologist was kind of funny. Maybe you had to be there."
Displaying a unique talent for shoveling shit straight into an oncoming hurricane, Sen. Clinton has dug herself deeper with each successive quote following the incident.
"Listen, listen, I have admired the work and life of Mahatma Gandhi and have spoken publicly about that many times," explained Clinton at a recent charity dinner. "What I said the other day was just a lame attempt at humor. I sincerely apologize for suggesting the honorable Mahatma Gandhi would tongue your balls for a dollar."
After a relieved sigh from diners, Clinton continued. "What I should have said was 'Mahatma Gandhi's mama so ugly she could knock the dot off a Hindu at twenty paces!'"
In spite of recent public relations setbacks, Clinton's attempts at developing a sense of humor show no signs of flagging. In the last week, Sen. Clinton has spoken out in support of legislation "to make math easier for retards" and has gone public with the incredibly dated quip that "the next time I see Michael Gorbachev, I'm gonna wipe that thing off his head. What's up with that thing, really?" the commune news has the utmost respect for India and all the other nutfuck nuke-having foreign nations out there. Ivana Folger-Balzac has the utmost respect for Indiana Jones, which isn't the same thing at all, but we're sure as hell not going to be the ones to point that out.
 | Bush Slips the Court a BigotJanuary 19, 2004 |
Washington, D.C. Snapper McGee The president plays a relaxing game of "Finger the Racist" with Judge Charles Pickering (right), victim/perpetrator of discrimination.
Choosing to bypass confirmation, a candidate named by recess appointment will not need to be confirmed for the position until January 2005, which is fine for Pickering if Bush blusters his way back into office, not so fine if he's ran out of town on an electoral rail. Pickering and five other nominees for court positions have been the focus of an ire-filled debate between Democrats and Republicans as one accuses the other of doing things most Americans wouldn't approve of if they cared.
Pi...
n an unapologetic display of mortal hubris, monkeyesque president George W. Bush took the road less respected by using a little-known process known as "recess appointment" to install accused racist and anti-abortion fanatic Judge Charles Pickering to the federal appeals court.
Choosing to bypass confirmation, a candidate named by recess appointment will not need to be confirmed for the position until January 2005, which is fine for Pickering if Bush blusters his way back into office, not so fine if he's ran out of town on an electoral rail. Pickering and five other nominees for court positions have been the focus of an ire-filled debate between Democrats and Republicans as one accuses the other of doing things most Americans wouldn't approve of if they cared.
Pickering's stellar record includes a history of supporting an amendment to ban abortion, several reversals on decisions made in his court, tendencies to reduce protection of an individual's right to vote, and verbally chiding those who seek protection for civil rights in cases of race discrimination. The judge also has a history as a young man of supporting segregationist politics, and was coincidentally appointed by Bush the weekend before the federal Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.
Fellow Mississippian, Sen. Trent Lott, forced to step down in 2002 after showing support for late Sen. Strom Thurmond's early segregationist presidential candidacy, supported Pickering's appointment.
"I don't see nothing wrong with it no-how," said Lott at his comfortable Washington D.C. retreat, throwing a few more crosses on the fire. "I believe the nation is a better place now that Charlie's on the court."
Finding liberal outrage at a disgustingly reserved level, Bush accused Democrats and those who opposed Pickering's nomination of discrimination against the widely-accused bigot.
"This is the worst kind of discrimination—against white people," said the president. "The Democrats are guilty of what they done accused Judge Pickering of. They are biased. Against religious people, against Southerners, and against white bigots everywhere. For shame, Democrats. Hate-mongers."
Democrats were dismayed at the accusation, and responded late Friday: "No, seriously, you got to be shitting us."
The president replied later in the day that he was indeed not shitting them.
"Sure, Democrats believe the nation should be equally represented, when it's equally represented by people all in favor of equality," slurred Bush, possibly drunk on rye whiskey. "Just you try to be a white man who wants all blacks segregated and stripped of their voting rights. Then you find out who the real minority in this country is. And if you're a good ol' boy from a state with a history of state-supported racism who also has serious issues with women and rolling back pro-choice politics, throw into that you want to abolish the separation of church and state, then all of a sudden you find out who really wants equality. Not you—and definitely not the Democrats."
Representatives of the Democratic party could not be reached for further comment, but insiders say they were anxious to find out if Bush was really shitting them or not. the commune news is all for segregation, but wish to clarify right now we mean we would like all white supremacists and bigots segregated from us and sent back to wherever they came from, or possibly Africa, just for laughs. Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown, once a prominent ballplayer, has been subject of a recess appointment to pitcher in his corporeal absence.
| Michael Jackson completely innocent, assures fan who never met him Escaped sex offender enjoys legal loop hole, several other holes White men dominate science positions, all non-sports positions Gold, shotguns, ammunition, fallout shelters all make strong showings |
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 January 19, 2004 Live and Let DiI don't want to step on commune conspiracy-factory Red Bagel's toes at all here, but word on the street is that Prince Charles conspired with the British M5 to have Diana and Dodi Fayed killed, to prevent Di from dropping the bombshell secret that Charles is actually a really dull guy. Something about popcorn nazis on mopeds shooting out the car's tires, I don't know. I didn't say the word on the street wasn't stupid.
Looks like Michael Jackson pleaded "Not Guilty" to those charges of child molestation the other day, then ran out of the courtroom and jerked off onto a crowd of adoring fans. It really makes you wonder. Who are these goddamned fans? It's one thing to go on TV to publicly show your naive support for a child molester slash possible X-files case. But Christ in a bo...
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I don't want to step on commune conspiracy-factory Red Bagel's toes at all here, but word on the street is that Prince Charles conspired with the British M5 to have Diana and Dodi Fayed killed, to prevent Di from dropping the bombshell secret that Charles is actually a really dull guy. Something about popcorn nazis on mopeds shooting out the car's tires, I don't know. I didn't say the word on the street wasn't stupid.
Looks like Michael Jackson pleaded "Not Guilty" to those charges of child molestation the other day, then ran out of the courtroom and jerked off onto a crowd of adoring fans. It really makes you wonder. Who are these goddamned fans? It's one thing to go on TV to publicly show your naive support for a child molester slash possible X-files case. But Christ in a boat, you're still buying this guy's albums? That's something you might want to keep to yourselves, kids. Some facts just aren't made for the public arena. This is when you're supposed to turn your back on the guy and tell your friends you only pretended to like Thriller because you wanted to support recently-black entertainers.
But there's just no hope for some people. These are the folks who still believe Nichole Simpson and Ron Goldman killed each other, forget about it. Sometimes I think these celebrity goons pick up fans every time they decapitate an ex-wife or blow a pelican, people just love conspiracy theories. Personally I think it would've been funny if the judge had held Jackson in contempt of bullshit for pleading "Not Guilty," though I guess until all the evidence is in it's not perjury unless he pleads "Not Creepy."
It's actually kind of sad when a former celebrity does something awful and there aren't enough insane fans left over to insist he's not guilty. Like Robert Blake, it must suck to be that guy. Sure, Bob, you ran back in that Denny's real quick after realizing you left your gun on the table (I've been there!) and wouldn't you know it? Some fucker picks that exact moment to shoot the batshit mooch of a conwoman you got stuck marrying. Happens to the best of us, Bobby, sorry to hear it was you this time around. Can't believe the cops even had the balls to trouble you with that nonsense.
Actually I wish I were a better liar because I'd love to be the guy on TV crying "Barretta would never do a thing like that!" They could play that at my wake, it'd be awesome.
Come to think of it, I might be able to turn this into a kind of second career, or eighth if you're counting at home. I could rent myself out to nearly forgotten celebrities who get themselves into legal trouble as a true believer kind of fan, sort of a PR thing for stars who didn't have the good sense to pull off their felonious hijinks while they were still popular. You laugh now, but what about when you turn on your TV next month and see Homer VanSlyke in front of the courthouse for the Phil Spector trial, yelling "No! 'Be My Baby!' Say it ain't so!"?
You'll be laughing a different tune then. º Last Column: Hot Dogs in Spaceº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“We didn't land on Plymouth Rock… we landed just beside it, and then the damn thing rolled onto us. Needless to say, we didn't step in bird shit either. Just standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
-Professor Milton XFortune 500 CookieIt's official: You've made the Ambassador's shit list. It's funny you can never find a gun when you really need one. Try thinking outside the box this week… in fact, general consensus is you shouldn't be wearing a box everywhere in the first place. Suck a lemon; make lemonade.
Try again later.Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter| 1. | Dear Cum-Dumpsters... | | 2. | Remember you said you wouldn't lend me money even if I had abducted your family? Well… | | 3. | Fellow Grand Dragons... | | 4. | Long time, no lawsuit... | | 5. | Boy, when you moved away without telling me where you were going I thought I'd never find you… | |
|   "Not Bush" Leading in Iowa Caucus Race BY roland mcshyster 1/19/2004 Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this week's movies!
In Theaters
Along Came Paulie
Ben Stiller is the world's biggest pussy until a wisecracking talking bird straightens him out in this, probably the worst use of the "faux-documentary" technique yet. Believe me, I can understand the motivation to use crappy hand-held cameras to make a ludicrous premise seem more believable, plus it leaves more budget money for those delicious little rolled-up deli meats. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk shirt out...
Buenos reados, America! I'm Roland McShyster and goddamn if you didn't come back for another week of Entertainment Policification. It's enough to make a weak man cry. Well, you've done your part, so I suppose it's time for me to do mine. On to this week's movies!
In Theaters
Along Came Paulie
Ben Stiller is the world's biggest pussy until a wisecracking talking bird straightens him out in this, probably the worst use of the "faux-documentary" technique yet. Believe me, I can understand the motivation to use crappy hand-held cameras to make a ludicrous premise seem more believable, plus it leaves more budget money for those delicious little rolled-up deli meats. But as the saying goes, you can't make a silk shirt out of a pig's ass. Speaking of which, I'd like to meet the guy who thought you could, because that's one optimistic son of a bitch. I need that guy writing fortune cookies for me. Anyway, if you really think you need to see this movie, just watch Cujo with the Spanish subtitles on. You'll be just as pissed and you won't have to wait in line for popcorn.
The Butterfinger Effect
Ashton Kutcher is a vaguely good-looking klutz in his latest film, in which he also has an acting role. Kutcher plays a bumbling Mountain Dew dude who utilizes the nasty side effects of antihistamine medication to travel back in time and try not to drop shit everywhere. But he learns the hard lesson that going back in time just allows him to trip over shit and knock down huge displays of dominos twice, and that the past is the same as the present, only sort of yellow-tinted. Unfortunately the film is ultimately done in by its own implausibility, since if this kind of time travel were possible the filmmakers would have obviously gone back in time and made The Blair Witch Project instead. Thankfully for them, the soundtrack is filled with the kind of nauseous crap young people pretend to listen to these days, so the movie is still bound to attract teens like a giant, flashing bug zapper on Hollywood's front lawn regardless of quality.
Mindhunters
If you've never seen a slanty-browed redneck in camouflage overalls blow up a deer using only the power of his mind, well then I'd wager a week's salary you've never seen Mindhunters. Either that or you just really weren't paying any attention at all, or maybe you had to get up to piss every five minutes and the people sitting around you didn't have the common courtesy to answer basic plot questions when you got back. Whatever happened, you missed a hell of a movie. Not really, but I like to say that sometimes. Actually, saying you missed a movie like this is kind of like saying you dodged a bullet or almost got hit by a bus, people should slap you on the back and take you out to lunch. You might even take stock of your life; think about maybe being a little nicer to that Malaysian family you've got hidden in your attic. It's that bad. If you saw it on purpose, I can only hope you're either a fellow movie reviewer (in which case, "Yo!") or are Val Kilmer's mom, because otherwise you're a marked man. Unless you're a woman.
Wow. Okay America, it's safe to come out now. You've had your socks blown off and your asses blown clean out of your pants, as expected. And what did it cost you? Not enough. We've got to figure out some way to get more cash coming my way in this whole transaction. I'll get back to you on that one, so don't go blowing all your greenbacks at the beer tent or on nickel whores before my next column, caprice?   |
