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October 13, 2003   
Don't count us out. Or count on us. Please, just stop with the counting.
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California Loses! Schwarzenegger Aryan-Elect; Davis Out on His Ass
Golden state voters turn out in record pissed-off numbers
October 13, 2003
Los Angeles, CA
Unknown
Either Schwarzenegger arrives from belated victory party with wife Maria Shriver, or some sort of clip from a movie.
T
he Tuesday polls have closed, the ballots are still being counted, but estimates make the outcome clear: California has lost the recall election.

California voters turned out in record, ignorant numbers Oct. 7 to make their confused voices heard, and the answer was a resounding, "What's this all about again?" As voters chose to recall Gov. Gray Davis, elected only 11 months earlier, and replace him with female-violating, Hitler-loving pure beef slab Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not that a truly inept politician can't ruin an entire political system in less than a year. The current president only needed 9 months before the world as we knew it fell into a shitcan. And Gray Davis, described by friends as "a necessary evil," probably deserved a good pink-slipping. But to ...Read more...

State Department: Don't Nuke the State Department

Robertson's inane rants taken seriously again
October 13, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Is it live, or is it Ramon Nootles' hilarious Pat Robertson Halloween mask? Too close to call
T
elevangelist and all-around Christian doorknob Pat Robertson was on the defensive again this week, claiming that his recent quote "We should blow up the State Department" was taken out of context by the media to indicate that he thought we should blow up the State Department.

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do," Robertson said during a "700 Club" interview with journalist Joel Mowbray.

"I can't state strongly enough how much I disagree with this idea," said emphatic department spokesperson Richard Boucher. "I think the very idea is despicable. I feel very strongly about this. No. I vote 'No'."

"It's just a terrible idea," added spokesperson Ron Lilly. "I mean, good luck getting...Read more...

Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad
Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



October 13, 2003
Click for Biography

Hot Dogs in Space

the commune's Homer VanSlyke lives to showboat
Well, it takes a big man to admit it, but I'm the big man who leaked that CIA lady's name to the press. Aim your cameras over this way, boys. I didn't know it was such a big deal, I thought it was obvious to everyone else that she'd bought her entire wardrobe out of the CIA's mail-order catalog, including those hideous navy blue pumps. Doesn't take a super-spy to notice this stuff, people. She even had the "CIA Agents Do It When You're Not Looking" bumper sticker on her car, for Christ's sake.

In regard to this whole hullabaloo, Laura Bush was quoted as reassuring the American public that "My husband wants the very highest ethics," which seems to indicate that a shaky grasp of the English language runs in that marriage. The funny thing is that I'm almost entirely sure she mean...Read more...

º Last Column: Sic the Killer Chicken on Saddam
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Quote of the Day
“To sleep, perchance to dream. As long as I do not dream of being pursued by that creepy Duracell robot family, for that shit was truly too much for a soul to endure.”

-Robert Shakenspear
Fortune 500 Cookie
Do not take the road less traveled, 'cause the toll is complete bullshit. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Your mother will finally find out this week. Two brutal assaults is a coincidence, three is a lack of self-control. Expect to be broken hearted this week, as the writing on the bathroom wall foretold. Lucky numbers all make a sum of 9.


Try again later.
Top 5 Michael Jackson Trial Revelations
1.Sleeping with children in your bed only huge moral quaqmire—not illegal
2.Elephant Man bones were delicious
3."Thriller" song autobiographical
4.Body almost 78% artificial ingredients
5.Jackson himself a delusional product of being raised in the spotlight; middle name Joseph
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Tiger Attacks: Is This Really a Problem?

View Past Columns
BY h.i. standard
10/13/2003
The Bitcher in the City (Part 2)
As cute as Shelly was she was pretty dumb and just as useless a tool as everyone else, so I thought she should just die already. I told her so, but she didn't think it was as funny as I did. Which was fine because I didn't think it was funny. She and her big fat Army boyfriend Mervin didn't care, though. They just sat there listening to that lame-ass Dixieland Jazz they liked so much and acted like they liked it. It was all stupid posturing. No one could like that dumb music. I don't like it.

Mervin was tapping his hand absently on the stupid table. "You look familiar, kid," he said. He always called me kid, 'cause he was a dick.

"Oh? Stupid."

"Yeah," said Mervin. He was bobbing his head to the stupid music again, like a tool, but he stopped after a minu...Read more...