Schwarzenegger Wants $99.1 Billion for Next Movie

merica's beloved Hitler Youth Arnold Schwarzenegger stunned the largely-Jewish world of Hollywood Friday with the announcement he would be asking an astounding $99.1 billion price tag for his next film. Schwarzenegger, whose last film Terminator 3 made a worldwide total of $366 million, would become the highest paid actor in Hollywood and the richest person to ever breathe on the planet.

The large tub of muscle defended his announcement, which followed an earlier press conference declaring a 2004 budget of $99.1 billion for the state of California. Schwarzenegger's new film price tag would not only guarantee the appearance of the actor in the movie, but help dig the state of California out of debt. As a bonus, the governor promised a red-tape free unlimited filming permit for the studio's film crew and the use of every Californian and his or her home for production purposes.

"It is a great deal, to think of it," said the actor, mangling the language in his usual adorable style. "To hire Arnold Schwarzenegger is to hire California. To put in a film the beautiful beaches of the state, and to film everywhere from Simi Valley to Silicon Valley. And other Valleys. Arnold Schwarzenegger is pulling together for California, and as your governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asks for every Californian to pull together for California."

The projected 2004 budget of $99.1 billion would cut millions from public health and welfare programs without raising taxes, would raise state park fees and college tuition across the state, and is built on a prediction of a gain of $2.9 billion in imaginary tax revenue. Presumably, the prospect of making California more friendly to producers who want to make a really expensive Schwarzenegger movie would create a major influx of tax money.

Besides being ridiculed as financial hari kari, Schwarzenegger's new price tag is being criticized for forcing Californians to open their homes, as well as public and private lands, to Hollywood film crews, and requiring all Californians to appear in at least one scene in a non-speaking role in the film as part of the agreement to justify the actor's high paycheck. The governor, smiling with his frightening shark teeth, dismissed the critics.

"There are people who do not want to do what is necessary to clean up the mess of all the politicians who made the mess of California. It is hard to understand what their problem is. I am the one doing all of the hardwork. I have thirty, maybe forty lines of dialogue per film. I will have to speak them. I will be the one having to make the hard faces. All the rest of the people can just stand there in the background and be quiet."

Schwarzenegger added, "Plus, I will be doing all of my own stunts. No stunt men required. Come and see the new movie to see Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger doing the dangerous stunts. I will fight the robots or all the men in costumes. I will even pretend at being gay, for comedy film. Come to see the Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the comedy movie to make you laugh. And help California."

The governor personally guaranteed the film would earn back all money invested, help clear California's $14 billion deficit, and launch a successful movie franchise. If the plan is successful, Schwarzenegger said he would consider doing more independent films at a fee of $3 billion each in hopes of starting a re-election fund.

€œIt’s clear that our current policy regarding aliens in this country is not working,â€� announced President Bush last Wednesday from the White House East Room, introducing proposed changes to America’s immigration policy. “For years we’ve tried the hard line approach, and we’ve all seen the results. It’s time for a change. Do I have the answers? Ha ha, good one. But I do know one thing is clear: These are some scary fuckers. I’m not kidding, they’ll bite your head off and crap eggs down your throat just as soon as look at you.â€�

Amid the stunned silence of the gathered crowd, President Bush detailed his controversial new plan.

“We may not have the weapons technology today to send aliens back to hell where they belong, blowing holes in them the size of a pie plates as they collapse in a pool of their own acid-burning blood and we laugh,� admitted Bush reluctantly, making a machinegun motion with his hands. “God himself knows I wish this was true. Anyone who watches television knows we’ve tried. Three, maybe four times. But it’s time to admit our failure, and accept these aliens into the fabric of American society. Until such time as we have some kind of plasma gun and we can blow their guts out their asses, that is. But nobody tell any aliens that last part or you’ll spoil the secret.�

Despite the aim of Bush’s staff to bolster the president’s chances of reelection by improving relations with the Latino community, to the White House’s dismay the proposed policy changes were not as immediately popular with Hispanic groups as expected.

“There’s just no pleasing some people,� Bush said later, disappointed that the Hispanic community failed to see the value of not being eaten by aliens.

Under Bush’s proposal, all aliens would be granted temporary visas to live “in Michigan or some place� where they’re not likely to harm the voting public.

“Aliens have the same right to work as everybody else,� suggested Bush. “And they can fill lots of jobs Americans wouldn’t want, like working deep underground or fighting Godzilla.�

The political response on Capitol Hill has been muted, with Democrats indifferent to Bush’s plan and Republicans insisting they didn’t hear anything about no aliens.

“What, seriously? You’re asking me about this?� responded Rep. J.D. Hayworth, R-Ariz.

“It might be politically safer to ignore this issue,� Bush stated, affecting a somewhat British accent to sound statelier. “But this is something I cannot do. Some might think aliens are no big deal, or that we can ignore this problem and have it go away. But those are always the same guys who get sick at the dinner table and then they suddenly have an alien larvae shoot out of their chest like some kind of gory jack-in-the-box.�

“Ow,� Bush stated, wincing and clutching at his chest in mock-discomfort. “That ain’t gonna be me.�

Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.

Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to believe that skylark. Then it became this running joke over the years to see when he'd finally catch on. Eventually everybody got tired of waiting and decided they should come up with a new way to tease Rose in 2003, hence the whole "fess up and we'll let you in, Petey" gag.

After all, everybody in baseball gambles. The double play was invented on a bet, you think those lazy bastards would have thought that up on their own? The commissioner himself almost won fifty bucks two years ago after he bet a drinking buddy he could contract two teams without anybody noticing. Hell, if he'd picked the Expos and Brewers he'd be $50 richer today. Bet that keeps him up at night.

As for Rose, nobody has the heart to tell him he's not in the Hall of Fame because he's an asshole and nobody likes him. I hear next year they're going to say he can't go into the Hall of Fame because he masturbates too much. That guy'll believe anything, I swear.

Some argue that Rose belongs in the Hall since he holds the career hits record, but he only ended up with that because he kept hanging around the clubhouse for years after he should have retired and nobody had the heart to tell him he wasn't on the team any more. He was like baseball's annoying little brother who can't take a hint. It'd be sad if it wasn't so funny.

The gag on Rose last year was that if he admitted his wrongdoing, they'd sneak him in the back door of the Hall with a coat thrown over his head. So he writes this book, which is about 300 pages of Rose bullshitting about how he was a hero in Vietnam and two paragraphs were he says yeah, he bet on baseball and lied about it for 20 years, but it was all the losing teams' fault anyway since if he'd always won then it wouldn't have been gambling. To that, all I can say is forget the Hall of Fame, get this guy some kind of Hannibal Lecter award for convoluted logic. This guy's a miracle.

So Pete thinks he's in like Flynn now, but of course the rest of the Hall of Famers don't want to put up with his bullshit stories and catastrophic lack of class at HoF functions for the rest of their lives, so they have the commissioner tell Pete that the book was nice and all, but oops! He forgot to say he was sorry. Damn, sorry Pete. They all know full-well that Rose types with two fingers and used up all his good gook jokes in his latest book, so it'll be another ten years before they hear from him again. Then somebody will have to actually read the "Pete Rose's Big Book of Sorta Sorry" book before they can dream up another snipe hunt to send this guy on.

Cruel? Maybe. But you haven't seen the kinds of sport coats Pete Rose wears. Sweet pastel Jesus.

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