Father of H-bomb Dead at 95

oted American physicist Edward Teller, known as the “father of the H-bomb� and the “swearingest man alive,� died Tuesday of acute pulmonary pneumonia. He was 95 fucking years old.

“That guy said ‘Hell’ more than any man alive,� remembered son Arthur Teller. “And we’ll miss him.�

Outspoken and influential in matters of national defense, Teller enjoyed a long career in pushing for bigger and badder ways to blow the United States’ enemies into a mist of lukewarm spittle. In 1939, Teller encouraged Albert Einstein to inform President Roosevelt of the “awesome fucking power� of nuclear fission. Teller thought the splitting of an atom’s nucleus could be tapped to create a weapon that would “make our dickless enemies wish they’d been born dead.�

Soon after the atom bomb was envisioned, it became clear that nuclear fusion, not fission, was a quicker path to realizing Teller’s vision of a “real fucking ass-wiping, holy shit tit-ripping weapon of ball-waxing mass destruction.� Teller quickly took to the idea.

“Yeah… fuck yeah! We’ll blow their asses out through their teeth, the commie fuckers!� Teller enthused.

Teller’s enthusiasm and foul-mouthed pursuit of such a bomb – he called it the “Motherfucker� – won him the title “father of the H-bomb,� a term he thought was “fucking stupid.� The first one-megaton hydrogen bomb was exploded in 1952, blowing the living shit out of a stretch of desert in northern Nevada.

“Gotcha, cocksuckers!� Teller was heard to scream in a westerly direction when reached with word of the successful test.

According to family sources, Teller died in Stanford, California last Tuesday, in a “shitty little room� that “smelled like horse piss,� tended by “frigid dyke nurses� intent on stealing his “goddamned meds� and devouring his “motherloving soul.�

“Hell’s bells, I don’t know what the hell they were thinking when they invaded that fuckin’ hellhole,� were Teller’s last words, dropping his trademark H-bomb several times in reference to the Vietnam War. “We’re gonna kick the runny shit out of those brown bastards like it was a fuckin’ sport, Jack.�

Teller’s dark worldview was thought by some to be caused by his experiences with the communist revolution in his native Hungary in 1919, in concert with the rise of Nazism in his adopted home of Germany in the 1930’s.

“Nazis? Fuckin’ pricks,� Teller once said of the Nazis, fucking pricks. Biographers have marveled at Teller’s apparent knack for living through the shitty side of history, though many who knew him argue that he would have turned out the same either way.

In one of his last recorded interviews in 2001, Teller seemed to lend support to President George W. Bush’s plans to once again pursue the “Star Wars� Strategic Defense Initiative, an improbable missile defense system of space-based lasers, when he responded to the reporter’s question with an affirmative “Goddamn!� But those close to Teller stress that this was also the same way the late scientist answered the phone, so that conclusion might have been premature.

n Al-Qaeda video airing on Al-Jazeera Wednesday not only failed to impress virtually everyone, it also failed to thank President George W. Bush for all his subversive efforts to help rebuild the terrorist organization.

The tape, slammed by critics as a "greatest hits collection of the usual dreck," featured an undated cameo by terrorist favorite Osama bin Laden and a lot of voicing over by Al-Qaeda's number two shit Ayman al-Zawahri. The video exhibited a friendlier sort of Al-Qaeda, with no direct threats to the U.S. "infidels" but promising that current battles were only the beginning and "the true epic has not begun," proving to all that the tape was at least recent enough to cop from the new Matrix sequel.

The only footage of Osama bin Laden showed the Al-Qaeda figurehead appearing older, but could not be pegged for a date. The world's number one prick was shown frolicking around with henchman al-Zawahri along the mountainside like a homosexual Captain and Tennille.

Though reference was made to the Iraq war, it may have been to one of several Iraq wars in which "agents of America" invaded the country. Neither was thanks given to American president George Bush for raising Al-Qaeda popularity to unimagined heights in Iraq by bombing that country into a primitive agricultural state. The death of thousands of Iraqis and the devastation of the country's infrastructure have done more to raise recruitment for the terrorist group than any post- or pre-Sept. 11 attacks.

Some, like this reporter, would suggest that Al-Qaeda and the Bush presidency have been mutually beneficial to each other, especially given the intention by bin Laden to invoke a harsh U.S. response to help the Arab world rally behind him. But the increasing power of terrorism hasn't just been beneficial to bin Laden and associates, but also to the administration, which still rates high approval numbers when it comes to defense and being tough on terrorism.

When questioned on the veracity of the recent bin Laden video, the president asked for a definition of veracity. Then, gesturing toward the footage of bin Laden and al-Zawahri, Bush stated, "The beard looks real to me."

"Having released tons of audio recordings in the years since 2001, Osama bin Laden risks market saturation," said VH-1 video producer Deanne Holcomb, who was contacted in an effort to fill out the story. "That may have been a consideration in only appearing as a cameo in this recent release by al-Zawahri. Personally, I would have gone in another direction, maybe Missy Elliot, but bin Laden is really popular with the Al-Jazeera demographics. Beyoncé maybe. Beyoncé is huge right now. But as I was saying, having such a small part for bin Laden does raise questions about the Al-Qaeda leader, such as if he's out of practice, or gotten fat. He could be dead, I suppose, there were a lot of bombs dropped in attempts to kill him. Kid Rock! Now that might have really sold it."

President Bush fired back in a speech to the ten American people watching the Sept. 7 televised address. Though failing to mention the weapons of mass destruction supposedly hoarded by Saddam Hussein or a projected date for troops to return from Iraq, the president did assure everyone that terrorism was still alive and thriving and nobody can let their guard down for ten seconds. And by the way, they need $87 billion more dollars, if you can spare it.

Well it must be September, since the weather's cooling off, the pennant races are heating up, and Manny Ramirez just missed a crucial series against the Yankees because of a serious case of jock itch. You've got to love Manny though. Have you seen that guy's shoes? Vegas doesn't have that many sequins. I'd get myself a pair if I didn't think a house would fall on my head as soon as I put them on.

You know what else? Mascots in sports have never made much sense to me.

Who in their right mind goes to a baseball game to see some illegal immigrant in a chicken suit poop out baseballs along the third base line? That's just sick. And I think mascots are a bad idea too.

Name a single pro-baseball mascot you wouldn't mind having in the crosshairs of a deer rifle, just one. No, I'm not talking about cheerleaders, you sick bastard. I'm talking about the giant Muppets with some guy trapped inside making minimum wage.

And these mascots have a much more checkered history than you'd think. Take for instance the story of the Schenectady River Goats' former mascot, Trotsky the Home-Run Bear. I was at one of their games back in the 70's that I'll never forget. Trotsky comes out in the third inning, like he always had, to shoot t-shirts into the crowd using a makeshift air cannon that looks like a shoulder-fired rocket launcher. Basically a big long tube that shoots rolled up t-shirts into the stands like mortar rounds.

Trotsky comes out, and the crowd goes nuts, clamoring for a cheap-ass River Goats t-shirt as they always do. Only this time the bear's walking out kinda slow, and he doesn't do any cartwheels or any of his usual crowd-pleasing antics. Instead, when he gets out to the outfield, he drops one end of the t-shirt gun to the ground, waves a sad little wave to the crowd, sticks the barrel in his oversized mascot bear mouth and pulls the trigger. I swear to God, it was pandemonium. Little kids were screaming all over the stadium as this giant bear is laying spread-eagle on the field, with a smoking t-shirt hanging out of his mouth. It was horrible. They had to cover him with a River Goats souvenir tarp and almost canceled the seventh-inning ice cream race. I guess Trotsky took the River Goats' eight-game losing streak more seriously than anybody had realized.

Baseball nicknames these days don't make any sense to me either. Take Randy Johnson, for example. Hey, if you want to call a seven-foot-tall redneck with an attitude "The Big Eunuch," I guess that's your right, it just never made sense to me. I'd rather be killed for religion or true love or something, but that's just me. You want some genetic freak with cleats turning your head into a wiffle ball, I suppose that's your God-given right as a numbskull.

Same thing with "Hammerin'" Hank Aaron. If you've got the balls to make fun of some guy's drinking problem, I only hope for your sake he's not twice as big as you and frequently armed with a big wooden stick. Jesus.

I'm also fascinated by the famous players who are so devoid of personality that they don't even get nicknames. Like Tony Gwynn, they loved that guy down in San Diego, but what was his nickname? "The Hitting Weeble"? "Black Math"? That has no kind of ring to it. What about Barry "They Don't Pay Me To Have a Personality" Bonds? "The Legend of Boring"? That guy has the personality of my bank manager. He could suck the fun out of a pillow fight. However, my favorite has to be Alex Rodriguez. And don't give me that A-Rod crap. That's not a nickname, that's a car part. This guy's the Tiger Woods of baseball, and they're both the Jehovah's Witnesses of sports.

We need to start giving baseball players nicknames like monster trucks, spice things up a bit. Seeing a thrilling bottom-of-the-ninth showdown between "The Devastator" and "HOMOPHOBIA" could only be good for the sport, I think.

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