€œIt’s clear that our current policy regarding aliens in this country is not working,â€� announced President Bush last Wednesday from the White House East Room, introducing proposed changes to America’s immigration policy. “For years we’ve tried the hard line approach, and we’ve all seen the results. It’s time for a change. Do I have the answers? Ha ha, good one. But I do know one thing is clear: These are some scary fuckers. I’m not kidding, they’ll bite your head off and crap eggs down your throat just as soon as look at you.â€�

Amid the stunned silence of the gathered crowd, President Bush detailed his controversial new plan.

“We may not have the weapons technology today to send aliens back to hell where they belong, blowing holes in them the size of a pie plates as they collapse in a pool of their own acid-burning blood and we laugh,� admitted Bush reluctantly, making a machinegun motion with his hands. “God himself knows I wish this was true. Anyone who watches television knows we’ve tried. Three, maybe four times. But it’s time to admit our failure, and accept these aliens into the fabric of American society. Until such time as we have some kind of plasma gun and we can blow their guts out their asses, that is. But nobody tell any aliens that last part or you’ll spoil the secret.�

Despite the aim of Bush’s staff to bolster the president’s chances of reelection by improving relations with the Latino community, to the White House’s dismay the proposed policy changes were not as immediately popular with Hispanic groups as expected.

“There’s just no pleasing some people,� Bush said later, disappointed that the Hispanic community failed to see the value of not being eaten by aliens.

Under Bush’s proposal, all aliens would be granted temporary visas to live “in Michigan or some place� where they’re not likely to harm the voting public.

“Aliens have the same right to work as everybody else,� suggested Bush. “And they can fill lots of jobs Americans wouldn’t want, like working deep underground or fighting Godzilla.�

The political response on Capitol Hill has been muted, with Democrats indifferent to Bush’s plan and Republicans insisting they didn’t hear anything about no aliens.

“What, seriously? You’re asking me about this?� responded Rep. J.D. Hayworth, R-Ariz.

“It might be politically safer to ignore this issue,� Bush stated, affecting a somewhat British accent to sound statelier. “But this is something I cannot do. Some might think aliens are no big deal, or that we can ignore this problem and have it go away. But those are always the same guys who get sick at the dinner table and then they suddenly have an alien larvae shoot out of their chest like some kind of gory jack-in-the-box.�

“Ow,� Bush stated, wincing and clutching at his chest in mock-discomfort. “That ain’t gonna be me.�

ith the second confirmed case of SARS reported in the Guangdong province last week, the Chinese government has stepped up its campaign to wipe out all animals with the potential for carrying the virus, including the “four dangers�: cats, little yappy dogs, loud tropical birds and those goldfish with the gross big eyes. Despite accusations that this is just the Chinese government’s excuse to get rid of millions of annoying pets, officials insist the mass slaughter is necessary to ensure the public health.

The central focus of the crackdown has been cats, a delicacy in China and finer trailer parks around the United States and personal pet peeve of Chinese President Hu Jintao. Cats were targeted after rumors surfaced that China’s first SARS case of the season, a 32-year-old television producer from Guangzhou, may have contracted the virus after eating SARS-tainted cat meat. Though the producer later revealed that he had never eaten cats and must have contracted the virus elsewhere, Chinese officials insist that he probably accidentally ate a cat some time without knowing it, which can happen to anybody.

World Health Organization officials met with the Chinese president last week in hopes of stemming the slaughter, but such hopes were dashed when the meetings devolved into a hilarious Abbott and Costello routine of “Hu’s on first?� with the Chinese leader. While concerns remain that the Chinese slaughter of cats may destroy valuable evidence, if not aid in spreading the virus further to workers hit by cat shrapnel, progress is unlikely since WHO officials have been unable to breach the subject without inspiraing hilarious riffing about a second baseman named Noh Ba Di.

Early attempts at eradicating the cats through drowning, punching, and firing squad failed after Chinese workers grew bored with these pedestrian means of cat-killing. Later attempts at scaring all the cats in China to death with a special gigantic vacuum cleaner proved unsuccessful, though hilarious, and by the end of the week more creative and entertaining methods of cat eradication were being sought. On Thursday, over ten thousand cats were shot out of an air cannon at a large brick wall painted to look like a big dog.

By the weekend, the feline holocaust was proceeding on several fronts simultaneously, with a veritable midway of cat-killing attractions thrilling Chinese spectators all through the day and night. Popular attractions included the “Kick a Cat Off the Cliff� booth, the “Give a Cat the Gift of Flight� strength-testing event, the children’s favorite “Cat in a Hat Full of Cyanide� and a humorously themed Catapult. While successful, officials had to put an end to the gasoline-soaked cat-on-fire races due to problems arising from rampant gambling on the event.

Everyone got into the spirit by week’s end, with Guangzhou newspapers running front-page pictures of a smiling Mayor Zhang Guangning smashing a kitten with a giant wooden mallet. The Guangzhou airport was shut down briefly on Saturday was thousands of cats were scooped into running jet engines in a desperate attempt to meet the weekend deadline.

On Thursday, China’s second recent SARS case was declared after a 20-year-old waitress was isolated in a Guangzhou hospital. Though it is not clear whether the woman worked in a restaurant that served wild game, Chinese officials consider that detail to be inconsequential since she could have contracted the virus while camping, driving near nature, or watching the SARS-infected Disney animated film, Bambi.

Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.

Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to believe that skylark. Then it became this running joke over the years to see when he'd finally catch on. Eventually everybody got tired of waiting and decided they should come up with a new way to tease Rose in 2003, hence the whole "fess up and we'll let you in, Petey" gag.

After all, everybody in baseball gambles. The double play was invented on a bet, you think those lazy bastards would have thought that up on their own? The commissioner himself almost won fifty bucks two years ago after he bet a drinking buddy he could contract two teams without anybody noticing. Hell, if he'd picked the Expos and Brewers he'd be $50 richer today. Bet that keeps him up at night.

As for Rose, nobody has the heart to tell him he's not in the Hall of Fame because he's an asshole and nobody likes him. I hear next year they're going to say he can't go into the Hall of Fame because he masturbates too much. That guy'll believe anything, I swear.

Some argue that Rose belongs in the Hall since he holds the career hits record, but he only ended up with that because he kept hanging around the clubhouse for years after he should have retired and nobody had the heart to tell him he wasn't on the team any more. He was like baseball's annoying little brother who can't take a hint. It'd be sad if it wasn't so funny.

The gag on Rose last year was that if he admitted his wrongdoing, they'd sneak him in the back door of the Hall with a coat thrown over his head. So he writes this book, which is about 300 pages of Rose bullshitting about how he was a hero in Vietnam and two paragraphs were he says yeah, he bet on baseball and lied about it for 20 years, but it was all the losing teams' fault anyway since if he'd always won then it wouldn't have been gambling. To that, all I can say is forget the Hall of Fame, get this guy some kind of Hannibal Lecter award for convoluted logic. This guy's a miracle.

So Pete thinks he's in like Flynn now, but of course the rest of the Hall of Famers don't want to put up with his bullshit stories and catastrophic lack of class at HoF functions for the rest of their lives, so they have the commissioner tell Pete that the book was nice and all, but oops! He forgot to say he was sorry. Damn, sorry Pete. They all know full-well that Rose types with two fingers and used up all his good gook jokes in his latest book, so it'll be another ten years before they hear from him again. Then somebody will have to actually read the "Pete Rose's Big Book of Sorta Sorry" book before they can dream up another snipe hunt to send this guy on.

Cruel? Maybe. But you haven't seen the kinds of sport coats Pete Rose wears. Sweet pastel Jesus.

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