hild, space enthusiasts and sci-fi nerds everywhere cheered the president on when White House officials announced this week the president was "seriously considering" a space war. Defense contractors reportedly wet themselves as well.

The buff and sexy White House brain trust released information this week that, among other considerations for the president's closing year of his first, and likely only, term were staging the most expensive and colorful war yet, with the space people. Or, the president's representatives allowed, other countries seeking to colonize the moon.

That's right: The moon. Nick-named in the documents accompanying the press release, "The 51st state," which is rumored to have pissed Puerto Rico off, but come on, you know they were just stringing you guys along—you all may dress to the nines, but the your GNP is lower than Utah's.

The policy, which is being "sincerely given a look," comes in response to a combination of presidential inspirations, including fear of China's recent feat of sending a Chinese guy into space, and another marathon of Starship Trooper DVD viewings by the commander-in-chief.

"The president," said an anonymous White House official who prefers French-cut underwear, "has always wanted to be a bold leader, and to strike preemptively against off-worlders looking to take advantage of our limited intergalactic colonization program. That's a failing of the Democratic administration that preceded us. But Mr. Bush says by the end of his term we'll have regular flights to the moon. And by the end of his clone's term in 2018, we will have established an impressive military force on the moon. With lasers."

Señor Bush is also not ruling out the idea of low-income housing on the moon, to help deal with the projected astronomical damage to the middle class expected to be caused by another term of his presidency.

"I've got plans for the homeless," Bush said in response to a question during a press conference last week, rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally. Most reporters attributed the enigmatic statement to a possible new "eat the homeless" program or turning them into low-cost diesel fuel somehow, but it does seem to jibe with rumors of a homeless colony on the dark side of the moon, dubbed in White House documents "the Pink Floyd Province."

"The homeless are people," said the same unnamed White House source, while working on his glutes. "They are people just like us, and they want to work. And when we have established a moon rock mine, we'll definitely need all the slave labor we can get. Did I say 'slave'? I meant inexpensive labor. I mean minimum wage. Labor."

If the moon space fort idea pans out, the prez will likely begin making requests to Congress for allocation of outer space funding, including up to $15 billion for advanced space program designs. An additional $2 billion of that may be requested for construction of a one-man presidential shuttle, with more than half of that going to design a rugged-looking flight suit.

pparently feeling that the current national climate is as ripe a time as any for a complete break from any recognizable form of reality, the National Rifle Association is attempting to buy a television or radio station this week, in hopes of declaring itself a news organization exempt from spending restrictions in the campaign finance law.

"We're looking at bringing a court case that we're as legitimate a media outlet as Disney or Viacom or Time-Warner or any of those places," explained Wayne LaPierre, the NRA's own version of commune whale tampon Raoul Dunkin. An uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.

According to LaPierre, the NRA is one of the biggest magazine publishers in the United States, with an impressive stable of nearly a dozen publications, including "American Rifleman," "Patriotic American Hunter," "Gun Nut," and "Buck-Naked Beer-Swilling Bitches."

Since the NRA has such extensive experience bringing news to the mullet-wearing portion of America's magazine-buying public, LaPierre argues that the NRA should enjoy the same political benefits enjoyed by organizations with less-embarrassing member ranks.

"I defy you to convince me that the NRA is any different from those organizations, just because they actually have news departments and wear pants around the office," said LaPierre, himself clad in pajama bottoms adorned with a machine-gun pattern. "We're just as legitimate a news source as any of them are, even more so when you consider the way they ignore the obvious gun angle in everyday stories." LaPierre further argued that paranoid gun freaks have as much a right as anyone to be represented in the media, but this reporter can't be sure of the exact quote as my notes just contain a doodle of a cow shitting on a scale for this part of the story.

The NRA's latest moves can be seen as a sign of the times, as there have been few periods in history when a lobbying group would so boldly admit to circumventing campaign reform legislation in hopes of buying influence in next year's elections.

Historically one of Washington's most powerful and twitchy lobbies, the 4 million-member NRA has spent millions over the years supporting pro-gun candidates. Since the organization is financed with corporate money, under the campaign finance law of 2002 it is currently banned from running ads mentioning candidates by name during the two months preceding a general election. News organizations are exempt from such restrictions, allowing them to cover the news and follow elections without being accused of shilling for political candidates.

Convinced that the NRA is capable of such impartial and unbiased political coverage, LaPierre promises that the NRA and its lawyers will continue to fight this attack on their "First Amendment rights," possibly even going so far as to broadcast pro-gun ads from ships anchored in international waters at election time. Another uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.

This has been a wild year for the commune Enthusiasts club and myself personally, President and Founder Emil Zender. Not only did we start the club, we met some great new members and lost even more. None died, which is always good, but some have disappeared and won't respond to my calls, while others have said they regret not being able to come to any more meetings and wish I would stop trying to get in touch with them. Some, admittedly, were asked to leave. Nothing personal, but it's hard to focus on club business when some unnamed individuals in the back just want to have a laugh, often at your expense.

My one regret for the year was not getting back to you, the loyal voyeurs, more often. But I made a pledge short into our tenure I would only write about meetings when someone besides myself showed up. So you can believe I was happy to see Sandy and some of our other club members come to another meeting before the end of the year.

I'm also happy to say our membership has expanded since last briefing. We're officially at 623 members right now, and 14 of those members have written back to confirm their membership in the club. Stag and Christopher made good on their promise to return to the club, and even started making plans for a club field trip to protest a WTO conference this Spring. We're still talking about that one. Besides the troublemakers I previously mentioned, we've also got some quiet remembers who aren't quite ready to tell us their names yet. There's that hungry lady who partook heavily of the free food table we set up. She was dressed a little down, and I'm not judging when I say that. Lord knows the homeless aren't considered any less important as members of the group. If she is homeless, which is not a bad thing, though I would be presumptuous to say she is based only on a fairly casual outfit and a smell we couldn't quite locate.

The club is also expecting a boost in dues when Sandy fills her spare change jar, having previously pledged to pay her long coming dues at that time. We'll put that money to good use, like catering for future meetings or events. I won't even take any of that money for myself, even though to date I have spent nearly two-thousand dollars out of my own pocket to provide the free food and renting concert halls.

Not that I'm complaining. I certainly don't agree with my father's assessment the commune Enthusiasts Club is an unrelenting drain on a life once filled with promise. I set out to change the world, as the commune does, with my Club, and even though I have no idea how to do that or if it's even possible, I like to think in some small way I have. But not alone—with the help of all our members. Admittedly, most of it was me. If it's only me showing up to the monthly meetings, I mean, I'm not blowing my horn or claiming it's all me. Mostly. Like 60-40. Only much more on one side and much less. I'm not exaggerating, I think. If anyone else had shown up to the meetings more frequently, I believe they would back me up on this.

However, if you thought this was a big year, wait until next year. And please show up. Yes, I'm talking to you. I know not everybody is in the area of Shanesly, Vermont during the appropriate time of the month, but if you're within a close distance, make the trip. Drive, or fly, if you can afford it. If you're a fan of the commune, it's worth it. Actually, if you're not a fan of the commune, but have read it before and would like to debate any points, go ahead and come on out. I would even say if you haven't heard of the commune, but would like more information, come and join me. Us. Join us and we'll discuss the salient points of commune fandom, and all the free food you can eat. Well, it's not free, it costs me quite a bit. But free for you. That's the c.E.C. promise.

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