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May 26, 2003   
Help for the helpless. Hap for the hapless.
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bachelor Shocks Viewers by Choosing Previous BachelorMay 26, 2003
Hollywood, CA
ABC TELEVISION
Bachelors Firestone (left) and Buerge (right), the lucky couple... of guys
I
t was another surprise ending for The Bachelor, though this one was a little more Crying Game and a little less America’s Sweethearts. The question had been hanging in the air like a flatulent eagle all week: Would bachelor Andrew Firestone choose spunky Kirsten, whose ass he’d been blatantly checking out since the beginning of the season and who jealous former contestants gossiped was carrying his baby? Or would it be Jen, the slightly less stunning drama queen favored by the show’s viewers and the 23 catty former contestants who lay slain on the battlefield of bogusly contrived romance? Oh shit, dog.

When the answer finally came, it was with the bang of 25 pancake-makeupped jaws hitting the floor in unison. In an unprecedented and possibly illegal...Read more...

U.S. on Code Red May 26, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
President Bush, the human code red, delivers a speech with some help from his “Li'l Dubya” ventriloquist's dummy
T
he United States Presidential Warning System (or “Terra Box” as it is fondly known around the White House, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the president’s speech impediment) reached its highest level Tuesday, signifying a major presidential gaffe or screwjob is impending. This news immediately scrambled foreign government officials, environmental groups and talk-show writers nationwide, who entered their own highest states of readiness and/or dread.

The little-known Presidential Warning System has been in place since the 1960’s, but it quickly fell out of favor during the Nixon presidency. Aides kept finding the siren-like device hidden in desk drawers or crammed beneath sound-deadening mattresses in the Lincoln bedroom over the course of Nixon’s term, and records ...Read more...

Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



May 26, 2003
Click for Biography

The Second commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting

Anyone who's been receiving the commune Enthusiasts Club's personal newsletter should know we planned on discussing the major issues facing the commune and how we, as commune fans, should react.

Before I get into that, however, I would like to ask everyone out there to sign up for the commune newsletter by contacting me at Zenderphenia@hotmail.com. The last time I gave this out in a column I received a huge number of people signing up, followed by about a million pieces of junk mail detailing how I could enlarge parts of my anatomy. I'm glad for the huge turnout, folks, but I do have to wonder why I'm not hearing from any of you again. Very few of you are showing up at the actual Club meetings and just as many aren't responding to my e-mails asking for information for the Club...Read more...

º Last Column: The First commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“1.327493 is the loneliest number. Technically.”

-Inglebert Thomas, Professor of Mathematics
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will quit smoking, but only in hospital nurseries. One step at a time, baby. You will finally lose that unwanted 50 pounds, thanks to a fortuitous kidnapping. The bank won't be your only withdrawal this week, drugnuts. You will believe everything you read.


Try again later.
Top 2004 Blockbuster Busts
1.For the Love of Godzilla
2.Jaws 5: Jaws of Life
3.Romy & Michelle's Jai Alai Reunion
4.Gargamel: The Movie
5.Dude, Where's My Cartographer?: The Christopher Columbus Story
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Flight Quarantined in Tokyo Obesity Scare

View Past Columns
BY hank pavik
5/26/2003
The L.I.E. Renovelized
"Welcome to the L.I.E.," said the wise-looking man who was only wise-looking because the program made him that way, and was only a man because the program had a hard time making long hair that looked real.

Necco stood and looked at the man dubiously. Sure, he'd come here to blue-screen the whole L.I.E. for good, to tear the whole system down like a lousy set of Venetian blinds and set his people free. And yeah, the people hated him. They thought he was a prick who was full of himself and wore those leather pants everyone hated. But he'd show them. He'd free their damned minds and do it using karate. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Karate.

"I see you were expecting someone else," interrupted the wise-looking man, or WLM. "Perhaps a climactic karate fight for the fate of a...Read more...