pparently feeling that the current national climate is as ripe a time as any for a complete break from any recognizable form of reality, the National Rifle Association is attempting to buy a television or radio station this week, in hopes of declaring itself a news organization exempt from spending restrictions in the campaign finance law.

"We're looking at bringing a court case that we're as legitimate a media outlet as Disney or Viacom or Time-Warner or any of those places," explained Wayne LaPierre, the NRA's own version of commune whale tampon Raoul Dunkin. An uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.

According to LaPierre, the NRA is one of the biggest magazine publishers in the United States, with an impressive stable of nearly a dozen publications, including "American Rifleman," "Patriotic American Hunter," "Gun Nut," and "Buck-Naked Beer-Swilling Bitches."

Since the NRA has such extensive experience bringing news to the mullet-wearing portion of America's magazine-buying public, LaPierre argues that the NRA should enjoy the same political benefits enjoyed by organizations with less-embarrassing member ranks.

"I defy you to convince me that the NRA is any different from those organizations, just because they actually have news departments and wear pants around the office," said LaPierre, himself clad in pajama bottoms adorned with a machine-gun pattern. "We're just as legitimate a news source as any of them are, even more so when you consider the way they ignore the obvious gun angle in everyday stories." LaPierre further argued that paranoid gun freaks have as much a right as anyone to be represented in the media, but this reporter can't be sure of the exact quote as my notes just contain a doodle of a cow shitting on a scale for this part of the story.

The NRA's latest moves can be seen as a sign of the times, as there have been few periods in history when a lobbying group would so boldly admit to circumventing campaign reform legislation in hopes of buying influence in next year's elections.

Historically one of Washington's most powerful and twitchy lobbies, the 4 million-member NRA has spent millions over the years supporting pro-gun candidates. Since the organization is financed with corporate money, under the campaign finance law of 2002 it is currently banned from running ads mentioning candidates by name during the two months preceding a general election. News organizations are exempt from such restrictions, allowing them to cover the news and follow elections without being accused of shilling for political candidates.

Convinced that the NRA is capable of such impartial and unbiased political coverage, LaPierre promises that the NRA and its lawyers will continue to fight this attack on their "First Amendment rights," possibly even going so far as to broadcast pro-gun ads from ships anchored in international waters at election time. Another uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.

ccording to Columbus residents, in spite drawing considerable national media attention the recent series of fourteen unsolved freeway shootings over the last few months are business as usual for the southern Ohio city.

“The media likes to make a big deal out of this because of those Black Panthers or whatever it was shooting up the gas customers in D.C., but they’re just looking for something to sell,� explained lifelong resident Tammy Kennedy. “Actually this year’s not as bad as normal, I got shot three times last year. But I think that was partly because I was driving a red car. I sold that car and got one that blends in better with the road this year.�

“The thing you have to understand is it’s hunting season,� said Columbus mayor Richard Freebing. “That always plays a factor. If this were happening in July, that might be cause for alarm… unless there had been a gun show recently. Then it would still be normal. Or if the Bengals won or something. But any time of year it happens. Once you strip away the media hype, all you know is that people get shot in Ohio. That’s it, big deal. So we’re not too worried about it. You have to accept that everybody gets shot, it’s just a fact of life.�

Ohio transport authorities closed a section of Interstate 270 Saturday night to perform ballistics tests in hopes of returning the bullets to their rightful owners. The 20-mile stretch of highway between I-70 East and I-70 West was closed from 5 p.m. EST to 7 p.m. EST Saturday, according to Chief Deputy Steve Martin of the Franklin County Sheriff’s Department. The closure was made necessary so investigators from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms could take ballistics measurements while the road was clear of cars and gunfire. He said the work needs to be done at night but would not elaborate.

Unnamed sources for the commune, however, indicated that an escalating series of boasts between ATF agents had led to the necessity of the testing being done in pitch black, by blindfolded agents who had their hands tied behind their backs. Representatives for the ATF denied these allegations, explaining instead that the timing was for safety reasons, as field agents believed they’d be harder to shoot at night.

Thus far the 2003 Columbus shootings have resulted in only one death, that of 62-year-old Gail Knisley, who was hit by a stray bullet while she was shooting at a passing motorist who had cut her off in traffic. However, several abandoned buildings have been damaged in the shooting spree, and a local duck is listed in critical condition.

Though local residents believe the shootings are linked only by falling into the “stuff shot in Ohio� category, they have not been immune to the national media attention. Local police have had their hands full in recent weeks, fielding dozens of complaints from residents who want to be a part of the media circus. Sunday, a woman driving near the southern section of I-270 heard a noise and found she had a flat tire, according to police. No bullet was recovered in that incident, but the paint on the car was scratched and there were several “bullet hole� decals affixed to the driver-side door of the vehicle.

Early Monday, a home bordering that highway in the city of Obetz was struck by a bullet. No one was in the residence at the time, Martin said, holstering his revolver and whistling at his own impressive marksmanship.

Dear commune:

I want a new ten-speed bike, not a Huffy or a kid’s bike or anything, but one with real handle brakes and everything, something glossed up and ready to go. Something really cool looking. If you want to throw in a helmet or some neon-looking biker shorts, all the better, but I’m not holding my breath.

I also wouldn’t mind a bunch of DVD movies and a new DVD player. I realize the one I got for Christmas last year is still pretty new, but something about the way the front panel lights up—I don’t know, kinda faggy. I’m just saying.

I would also like an electric guitar, whatever you pick out should be fine. I don’t know how to play but I know if I got one I would take the time to learn, no matter what my dad says. Everything does not just end up in the garage gathering dust.

If you could bring me this stuff, which is not a lot to ask, I won’t even ask for anything really big and ridiculous, like having all my bills paid and getting a girlfriend who doesn’t sleep around at the drop of a hat. Oh, but I do want to ask for world peace. Partly because I really want it, partly because I feel like a total asshole if I don’t ask for at least one thing not entirely just for me.
I realize you are not Santa Claus, and this letter did not come to you by mistake. I stopped writing to Santa Claus because Christmas came and I ended up with a big lapful of nothing. I like you guys, you seem like the kind of people who can get shit done. You make good on this stuff and I’ll spend 365 days a year worshipping you guys. I’ll also set milk and cookies and a little orange juice with vodka out for you, if you want to come down the chimney.

A.J. Ridenhaus
Great Valley, N.D.


Dear A.J.:

This may surprise you, but we here at the commune were all touched and inspired by your letter, so we decided to do as you asked. Expect us from 9:30 to midnight on Christmas Eve, though we still have to talk someone into making the run to your house—it’s a little out of the way. But what the heck! It’s a damn shame when you do everything you can to change the world and find it’s the same sad-ass place it was when you came into work this time last year. If we can make one person happy, we’ll consider everything squared. And this year, that lucky person is you.

Of course, the bike won’t be quite what you asked for. Ramrod Hurley bent the frame pretty bad, which is why he doesn’t ride it anymore. And we’re not quite sure if Lil Duncan’s biker shorts will fit you right. And DVDs are a little expensive, so we’re substituting some free thousand hours of AOL discs we acquired. But the electric guitar we can do, enough failed attempts to start bands around here have left us with a pile of them. As for world peace—shit, good luck on that. It’s a scientific fact most people are only happy when other people are unhappy, so there’s no way everybody can live in peace and harmony. But we have an old VHS of Woodstock ’94 we’re passing on to you instead. See how much fun it is when people riot and mosh and exploit the hell out of other folks, then tell us if you still think peace is such a groovy thing.

By the way, all the time and money we’re spending on you this year is what we usually put towards buying and delivering Christmas gifts for local orphans. If they happen to call and ask us why Santa didn’t come this year, we’ll just tell them Santa had to cater to a self-absorbed Gen-Y prick this Christmas. Suck on it, Ridenhaus.
the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the over-commercialization of Christmas. Nor are we responsible for the real downers who want to over-Jesus it up either. In fact, between those two warring factions it’s no wonder we’re shit out of holiday spirit already.

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