Snowstorms Worst to Hit U.S. Since Winter

mericans who survived the weekend are gearing up for even worse weather in the near future, as the country continues to be belted by the worst snows since Winter.

The National Weather Service issued a "snow" alert for the colder portions of the country, warning that dropping temperatures could lead to more frozen precipitation and the possible disasters that usually result from bad snowstorms.

Most were taken by surprise last week when heavy snows began falling from the sky, accumulating on the ground and making for unusual driving conditions, as well as dangerous outside work or play environments. It was a shock when a mere three months ago the temperatures were routinely in the 60- or even 70-degrees in the same areas.

"I was out here wearing a jacket last week, just raking up the leaves," said Trenton, New Jersey McDonald's Manager Vera Klein. "I came out this morning and, instantly, I was cold. I have to put on a heavier jacket. I don't even know what to think."

The surprising, out-of-the-blue storms resulted in the deaths of four people across the East Coast, most in traffic-related accidents. Some are worried it's only the tip of the iceberg, pun intended.

"Traffic deaths are the most obvious," said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Saturday, speaking on a private C.B. radio from his snowed-in mansion. "When the snow melts, I worry we may find bodies under the snow. The people who didn't make it out in time."

In some areas, early estimates were putting the snow in the inches, or occasionally the foot, foot and half. Few were getting out to validate those claims, however.

Some were visiting from other, sunnier climates when the snow instantly fell and trapped them in their East Coast locations. Kenny Gulliver, a retired traveling hobo from Arizona, was vacationing with his harmonica in Philadelphia when the snowstorms hit.

"I managed to find me a rail yard and a boxcar full of pimentos, so I'll be okay," said Gulliver. "For a while, anyway. You just got to hope it will all be over soon and you'll be able to see the ground again. Some people are saying this could last until Spring, maybe even longer. You got to pray that's not the case."

Gulliver then proceeded to play "Pick a Bale of Cotton" as requested, and we bided the time until a snowmobile rescue team picked the two of us up. There wasn't enough room for the harmonica.

Linda "Muscles" McClanahan, a spokesperson from the National Weather Service, advised people to keep calm and think rationally.

"Obviously you don't want to go out in this weather unless it's absolutely necessary," said McClanahan, "or you really want to see what everyone else is doing out there. If you have to go out, take some precaution. Wear clothes, maybe even more than one pair. If you wear two hats, take a picture of it and send it to us—we might make you our 'Wacky Hat of the Month' winner. Put chains on your tires to improve your car's traction, or your unicycle. Put some chains on the top of the car as well, in case it rolls over. Put some chains on yourself, too. It's not necessarily useful, but you can pretend to be the only survivor in a Mad Max-type post-apocalyptic future."

Having tried it, this reporter can vouch for the effectiveness of all suggestions, especially the latter.

n unconfirmed number of individuals were hypothetically killed while many more, in theory, were wounded by a speculative terrorist attending Geneva accords Friday. The accords were held to design a potential peace plan to settle disputes between Israel and Palestine, though no representatives of either side attended the purely masturbatory debate.

According to the abstract bomber, who unofficially represented the terrorist group Hamas, his pretend bombs were smuggled into the event under his real jacket, and were not detected by authentic security guards using actual equipment. Amidst a question-and-answer session during the questionably-viable peace accords, the alleged imaginary terrorist, who described himself as Carl Al-Viddig but says he was supposedly impossible to identify from hypothetical dental records, stood up and announced he had set off a potential bomb.

"Everyone at the podium and those representing both sides, as well as everyone in a one-thousand-foot radius of myself has been blown to bits, in my mind," announced Al-Viddig.

The pretend peace talks came to an abrupt halt, and security instituted an immediate make-believe lockdown to prevent further attacks or imagined panic.

"This is a nightmare, not only for those of us who have been virtually killed, but all unofficial peacemakers out there," claimed former Palestinian official Yasser Abed Rabbo, one of the architects of the unofficial peace initiative. He could have been dead at 67.

The accords, held to debate the finer points of a potential peace solution to the age-old Israeli-Palestine conflict, and vehemently denounced by both actual governments involved in the dispute, was largely finished when they were practically ended in simulated catastrophe.

commune columnist Omar Bricks, acting as a bogus President Bush of the United States of Fantasy America, expressed deep regrets.

"This has been most uncool, and a tragedy we won't soon believe," said the stand-in leader of the free world. "Peace would have been kick-ass, I shit you not. Like my teachers used to tell me, it's a shame one fuck-up has to ruin it for everyone else." The acting Bush then fell to his knees and screamed they did it, they finally did it, damn them all to hell.

Not everyone was so quick to accept the fake peace process's defeat. Particularly, representatives of Geneva security lodged an official protest with the event holders and claimed there is no way Al-Viddig could have smuggled hypothetical weapons into the conference.

"He's always doing this, the fink," alleged Geneva Head of Security Stalton Humbladt. "Last year, when we had the speculative non-violent solution to the Iraq situation, he came in here carrying thirty pounds of imaginary plutonium, and we caught him. We locked him up in a holding cell and he then said he used a tiny microscopic laser hidden in his teeth, in theory, to cut through the bars and carry out his attack. We were like, 'Give it up, you're full of shit, Carl. Just accept defeat.'"

The peace accord architects, Rabbo and Israel's Yossie Beilin, agreed to hear both sides argue the issue and then decide whether or not the case could go on to a kangaroo court.

Hello hello, reading persons. Boris is here for column.

So much to tell of story!

Big news is Boris is Angel from Hell like in easy Wynona Ryder movie! Is true!

So exciting. But Boris must tell how these things does happen. First of it all starts with Boris decides to decorate apartment to surprise robot friend Louis. Louis is in such bad mood all times because economy thing is bad for robot jobs, no persons wants to pay to see and talk to plain robot. Them does go to movie to see Arnold robot who is exterminator thing to go back in time. This is big deal. Persons are having all so much fun with Arnold thing who is important robot president of California. So hard for Louis, who is only robot president of apartment and does not like to go back in time. If person does ask can Louis robot go back in time like exterminator Louis says he will go back in time to kick person's ass. This is funny saying thing.

So Louis is grouch all times and is not happy that Boris does leave apartment door open all night in case Similar to Skippy dog does come home. All other dogs and hobo persons does come in to eat Boris' peanut butter and make big mess, is bad thing. Boris does not get award for this idea.

So now Boris does have better thinking, decide to decorate apartment to bring happy days for Louis friend, like show with Fozzie person. First idea is to get lot of clinging wrap to cover apartment and make shining and easy to clean. But after Boris uses whole roll to decorate door idea does become too expensive. "Damn nuts" is Boris saying for this. But then Boris does get new idea to push old idea out of brain: Boris will make apartment beautiful with sparkling Jolly Ranching candies, to make such happy place for Louis.

Boris does get superman glue and big bags of candies from store, and goes home to glue candies on apartment. All afternoons is such hard work with dizzy glue and Boris is glued to many things like couch cushion and stray dog with name of Bart. Boris also does eat too many of decorating supplies and takes break to have stomach aching. But after long times all day Boris is done and apartment has beautiful covering of Jolly Ranching candies in all places.

Boris is so excited for Louis to see, can barely sit on couch. Also can barely sit on couch because Jolly Ranching candies are poking in butt. New beautiful couch is not so comfortable as old ugly couch thing. Also does get very sticky from sweating, but is paying price of beauty.

When Louis does finally gets home, him is too excited for speaking. Then apartment is so beautiful Louis does scream for joy. Next for joy Louis does yell at Boris get out of Jolly Ranching apartment before he does kill Boris with gratitude. Louis does want Boris to bring T.V. too, but in excitement Louis throws T.V. too hard for Boris to catch.

Boris does go down to house of buses so Louis can enjoy beautiful new apartments by alone self. Other things does happen that Boris does forget, but soon Boris does have tripping adventure to end up in beautiful place called Bone Gap, Illinois. So fun a place. This is place where Boris does meet Angels from Hell and gets ride to hell for no money. Is so fun because bus-riding persons does not like when Boris sings "Baby Come Back/Babies Got Back" medley that is very beautiful, but Angels from Hell don't not care. If Angels can hear Boris, they like this song.

Ok, is time to ride on chopping thing. Boris will write more when getting to hell, goodbye!

º Last Column: Boris is Too Old For This Shit
º more columns