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December 8, 2003   
Like a friend you don't deserve
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

NRA Wages Court Battle Against Reality

Mythical transformation to boost "silly" influence to "berserk"
December 8, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Sloe Lorenzo
NRA mouthpiece Wayne LaPierre shares his hilarious impression of a deer caught in an NRA member's sights
A
pparently feeling that the current national climate is as ripe a time as any for a complete break from any recognizable form of reality, the National Rifle Association is attempting to buy a television or radio station this week, in hopes of declaring itself a news organization exempt from spending restrictions in the campaign finance law.

"We're looking at bringing a court case that we're as legitimate a media outlet as Disney or Viacom or Time-Warner or any of those places," explained Wayne LaPierre, the NRA's own version of commune whale tampon Raoul Dunkin. An uncomfortable silence followed after this reporter stopped laughing.

According to LaPierre, the NRA is one of the biggest magazine publishers in the United States, with an impressive stable of nearly a...Read more...

Ohio Freeway Shootings Normal, Say Locals

December 8, 2003
Columbus, OH
Alton Onus
Columbus-area hillrod points to physical evidence that he really did shoot an apple off his wife’s head
A
ccording to Columbus residents, in spite drawing considerable national media attention the recent series of fourteen unsolved freeway shootings over the last few months are business as usual for the southern Ohio city.

“The media likes to make a big deal out of this because of those Black Panthers or whatever it was shooting up the gas customers in D.C., but they’re just looking for something to sell,” explained lifelong resident Tammy Kennedy. “Actually this year’s not as bad as normal, I got shot three times last year. But I think that was partly because I was driving a red car. I sold that car and got one that blends in better with the road this year.”

“The thing you have to understand is it’s hunting season,” said Columbus mayor Richar...Read more...

Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad
Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



December 8, 2003
Click for Biography

Pure Garbage

"As Jerry Springer said when announcing he was about to have dinner with a loyal viewer, 'It's time to take out the trash.'"

Is there a real Tony Soprano? I'm just asking because my neighbor says he knows him. And I've seen the TV show before and I don't want to get on the bad side of this guy if my neighbor goes mouthing off to him like he threatened to. Either way I guess it's in my best interest to stop throwing the garbage into the hall.

Garbage men are like Winston Churchill: They get no respect. A bunch of guys whose job it is to ride around on the back of a truck. That's the only highlight of their day. Then they have to haul your messy garbage to the truck and dump it in the back. In some cases. In other cases, the truck can do all the work. They hi...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.”

-Sol Crates
Fortune 500 Cookie
Nobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.


Try again later.
Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals
1.Houseboats for all!
2.Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens
3.Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life
4.Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget
5.Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Snowstorms Worst to Hit U.S. Since Winter

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
12/8/2003
A hearty "Yo" to you all, America, and welcome to the umptillionth edition of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police, now a trademarked brand and theme restaurant in three states. We've got the candy you crave yet again this week, so let's waste no time peeling back that Hollywood Band-Aid and scowling at the owie that is this week's new releases:


In Theaters

Honey
Mariah Carrey is back, stinking up the screen in this, her latest attempt to prove that brother Jim didn't get all the acting talent in that family. If I were her, I'd settle for being known as "The Singing Carrey," because after squirming through brother Jim's off-key warbling in Mule in Rouge I don't expect her to suffer much competition...Read more...