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Tom Cruise's Shit Don't StinkAmerican actor must be some kind of heavenly gift to earth November 24, 2003 |
Winnipeg, Canada Sloe Lorenzo Pleasant-smelling possible gift to humanity Tom Cruise, seen here being admired from afar
"We've long suspected Mr. Cruise might have descended from a higher odor of stenchless man, and these findings have merely confirmed the innate superiority we've long gathered from Tom's demeanor and public statements," explained Dr. Remus Rooney of the Manitoba Center for Deep Thinking. The center, housed in a building once famously occupied by vice pioneer Brooks McNally's "assembly-line" brothel during WWII, is known ...
ccording to a troubling new study published today, Canadian scientists have found the shit of American actor Tom Cruise to be totally lacking in the offensive odor usually associated with common man-scat. The discovery raises a host of disturbing questions, not the least of which is what Canadian scientists were doing smelling Cruise's shit in the first place.
"We've long suspected Mr. Cruise might have descended from a higher odor of stenchless man, and these findings have merely confirmed the innate superiority we've long gathered from Tom's demeanor and public statements," explained Dr. Remus Rooney of the Manitoba Center for Deep Thinking. The center, housed in a building once famously occupied by vice pioneer Brooks McNally's "assembly-line" brothel during WWII, is known around the world for investigating questions of general scientific interest such as what those letters on zipper tabs mean and why some people insist on calling it "double-yew double-yew eye eye."
"When Tom looks at you, you can just tell his shit doesn't stink," added Rooney. "And now we have the research to back it up."
But how did this unusual study come about?
"Tom contacted us, actually," elaborated Dr. Rooney. "He was concerned that the cigar boxes of shit he was mailing to a local rival might not be having the intended effect, and sure enough it turns out the guy was using the stuff to insulate his house."
Rooney is careful to point out that Cruise's fecal matter is not odorless, which would just be creepy, but rather carries the robust odor of roasted almonds, a scent most who come in contact with the shit find pleasing. Through a series of tests at the Manitoba Center, Cruise's diet, lifestyle and religious practices are being examined as scientists attempt to probe the inner workings of the sweet-smelling actor.
"I hear he eats nothing but honeydew melons and bee larvae," insisted local roughneck Denny Lopez. "No shit. Or whatever they make that bee jelly out of. That shit's expensive. Damn but I'd like to get me some. My shit stink like death, yo."
"The defining characteristic of shit is that it stinks," explained leading fecalogist Roger Burns. "Which is what makes this case so unusual. If it doesn't stink, is it still shit? Or is Mr. Cruise instead shitting out something else? And if this is the case, is he still shitting it out, or do we need to come up with another verb for defecating a substance through one's anus? This is truly a heady day for science."
"Just a sec, I gotta take a shit," added Burns, excusing himself.
"Why don't you leave one instead?" countered Dr. Rooney, in jest. Both doctors chuckled heartily.
"That one never gets old," admitted Burns. the commune news' shit doth indeed stink, so much so in fact to warrant a recent local news report. Ramon Nootles is rarely singled out as the culprit in this matter, but only because of the overwhelming in-office opinion that commune columnist and resident alien Boris Utzov and his bizarre Eastern-European diet are to blame.
 | Bush to Britain: "Speak English, Motherfuckers"November 24, 2003 |
London, England Whit Pistol Befuddled President Bush wonders why that goofy-ass queen makes all the royal guards get the same odd haircut.
“Y’all talk like fruits over here,” concluded the president, as handlers corralled the president to the prime minister’s residence.
It was a bad start to a rough visit to London for the president, on a goodwill trip to improve his image across the Atlantic. Inside sources describe Bush as beleaguered and exasperated with constant negative coverage of his visit to the country, as well as an extreme difficulty in crossing the accent gap. Bush had reportedly cupped his hand to his ear minutes earlier and mouthed, “I donâ...
nother embarrassing gaff from the president occurred Tuesday when President Bush, briefly addressing protestors as he was escorted to a meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair, angrily demanded the crowd, “Speak English, motherfuckers!” “Y’all talk like fruits over here,” concluded the president, as handlers corralled the president to the prime minister’s residence. It was a bad start to a rough visit to London for the president, on a goodwill trip to improve his image across the Atlantic. Inside sources describe Bush as beleaguered and exasperated with constant negative coverage of his visit to the country, as well as an extreme difficulty in crossing the accent gap. Bush had reportedly cupped his hand to his ear minutes earlier and mouthed, “I don’t unnerstan ya,” before blurting out his loud insult to the surprised crowd. Though Bush’s meeting with the prime minister was insightful, according to better educated White House spokespeople, reporters from both countries were anxious to hear Bush’s excuse for the comment. “The president was tired and cranky, suffering from jet lag,” said overworked White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “he responded aggressively to what he perceived as an aggressive accusation in a language he couldn’t understand. He regrets saying things he should have only thought, but does not apologize. Wrap your head around that one.” Other difficulties presented themselves, the White House stated in an accompanying memo, all adding to Bush’s confusion with the language. He was disturbed when the prime minister asked for Bush to “knock him up” as soon as he arrived; also bothering him were a minor traffic accident involving a pair of “lorries” and the ride on the “lift” during his first stop. “We are talking about a president who hasn’t mastered this country’s cultural language quirks,” said an unidentified White House source this reporter nicknamed Big Johnson. “Put the pressure of selling the Iraq war and post-war reconstruction together with a culture he’s only familiar with through Benny Hill re-runs and we’re talking about one pissed-off president.” The visit was declared successful by the White House, claiming disagreements about the Iraq war and the country’s future were discussed and overcome, though gaffs continued to follow the president like a pack of redneck-sniffing hounds. When introduced to the Queen, the president shared how much he loved “We Will Rock You”; addressing a gathering British diplomats, Bush said how deeply he regretted bombing their country in World War II and he would make sure to see the big clock before he left. Thursday marked the biggest turnout of protestors as an estimated 100,000 tongue-clucking Britons gathered in Trafalgar Square to burn effigies of Bush, carry sort-of clever disparaging signs addressed to him, and generally dis the visiting president. Bush himself, in a better mood Thursday, took a Zen approach to the protests. “Everyone has the right to speak their own mind,” said the president. “We fought for their independence so they could say what they want.” the commune news has never been to England, but we’ve been to New England, and if all they got across the pond is clam chowder and the Celtics, we’ll just as well stay here. Truman Prudy is our UK correspondent, and a bit of an English muffin, if you get what we mean. And if you do, please explain it to him.
| Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 November 24, 2003 Boris is Too Old For This ShitBoris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will have lots of yelling and fast cars, but Tubbs is too old for this shit. Him wants to stay home with footballs and house size of airport. But they do go on adventures anyway because Crocket lives in shitholes and does not want to go home. Which is good for movie because Tubbs Staying Home movie not so exciting.
This part so good is now Boris new saying. Whenever there is thing Boris doesn't not want to do, is time to say "Boris is too old for this shit." Like other day, Louis wants help to move fridge, to get back where Boris ...
º Last Column: Boris Does Love This 24 Show
º more columns
Boris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will have lots of yelling and fast cars, but Tubbs is too old for this shit. Him wants to stay home with footballs and house size of airport. But they do go on adventures anyway because Crocket lives in shitholes and does not want to go home. Which is good for movie because Tubbs Staying Home movie not so exciting.
This part so good is now Boris new saying. Whenever there is thing Boris doesn't not want to do, is time to say "Boris is too old for this shit." Like other day, Louis wants help to move fridge, to get back where Boris hides housekeys for safe keepings. Nope, sorry, Boris is too old for this shit. But then Louis has saying that Louis is too old to buy pizza for dinner, and so him does win battle of who person is too old to do things. Boris moves fridge and does have pizzas for dinner.
On other day cop person asks what Boris is doing with fishing pole in swimming pool, and Boris does not feel like explaining fishing so does tell cop person Boris is too old for this shit. Cop person does not like this thing and says him is too old not to give Boris wedgie, so Boris must explain how Snoopy fishing pole is for catching new dog, because Similar to Skippy did runs away during loud part of Lethal Weapons.
Cop person doesn't not like this, Boris thinks is because him wants special dancing dog for himself. So he does tell Boris is assjack who will never catch dog with such little fishing pole. Is okay, as Louis say opinion is like Eskimo.
Starting to think no persons does love this Lethal Weapons saying so much as Boris. So instead Boris does think to go visit old persons home, where all persons is too old for this shit and can relate to funny saying.
So Boris does go to tell old persons what to say, and is very good time. Boris explains about Boris is too old for this shit, and old persons does like to talk about such things. Old persons is too old for all things, and love to tell Boris about this. And old persons is right age to drive electric wheelchair and give Boris ride, so fun. Life in electric wheelchair is like very slow race with no finish. And old persons does love to watch TVs with Boris, though when Boris does put on Lethal Weapons show old persons are too old for this shit. Too bad but still fun to watch show about stopwatch and thing with crocodile hunter.
Old persons home is fun place with good pudding. But after few days Louis does come to take Boris away because Boris is not old enough for this shit. º Last Column: Boris Does Love This 24 Showº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“There ain't no cure for the summertime blues. Or HIV. Boy, AIDS, that must suck. This has been a Public Service Announcement from Eddie Cochran.”
-Eddie CochranFortune 500 CookieLook to the stars for guidance: preferably someone who's been in a big movie in the last five years. You will go to the bathroom this week. Don't be fooled by your lack of progress in life: things can still get much worse. This week's lucky gelatin desserts: Jell-O Jigglers, Jell-O Epileptics, Limp Hicks, Greased Piggie Bites, Spineless Weasels, Slime Dogs.
Try again later.Least Popular Baby
Names, 2005| 1. | Katrina | | 2. | Gigli | | 3. | Scott Peterson | | 4. | The King of Pop | | 5. | Skullfuck | |
|   Newest Governors Already Recalled BY french hammond blister 11/24/2003 How to Write a Contrived NovelVerbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist.
But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check.
For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a deman...
Verbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist. But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check. For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a demanding and imbecilic blueblood. That was a sweet deal. But that time has gone by, and to make a fortune in the modern age the modern novelist mustn't compromise himself for any single individual, but bunches of them. The book-buying public. The beginning to every good book is a winning idea. An idea someone thinks is worth publishing. People ask us all the time, "Where do you get ideas?" Screw you, hobo, we're not telling you the source of our goldmine. Get a job already. But if you have a place to get ideas from, especially ideas you could turn into a book, even better a bestselling book idea, jump on it! It's not as hard as you might think. You see authors all the time who are struck by the muse, punched in the balls and thrown by the stairs by inspiration, and they come up with a brilliant can't-miss idea people find genuinely interesting. We hate these people. Luckily, people also by books with lame, repetitive stories and paper-thin characters you can toss out in ten seconds. In fact, most of the publishing world exists entirely on these books. And you can easily be one of their authors. One good way of finding the perfect idea for your trite novel is to take your favorite book and re-write it with your own disappointing characters. Love Jane Eyre? Write your own historical romance and diatribe on the role of women in Victorian England! Make her an exciting well-read debutante instead of a frumpy governess, and turn that subtle discourse on feminism into modern catchphrases and moralizing. People will eat it up. Or maybe you're a fan of 1984, but you find it horribly depressing. What would happen if Winston Smith got tired of taking orders from Big Brother and started kicking some major butt? Hmm? Now you've got a bestseller! It doesn't have to be stealing someone else's creative idea, if that's not your style. It doesn't have to be creative at all. Take a familiar literary situation, like a neurotic thinly-disguised version of yourself returning home to your dysfunctional family. Not only is it a critical favorite, but you can delude yourself into thinking it's therapeutic. Save on shrink bills and throw in some psycho-babble you found on the web and you've written one smart—if trite—book! Don't think it's easy to write a novel just because it's crap, though. It's still hard work. You have to write hundreds of sentences, one after the other, and when you think you've written enough you still have to write the easiest ending you can think of, or borrow it from someone else. Then we get into the next part of it all—publishing! That'll take up the remaining 287 pages of this book. For more of this great non-fiction, buy French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister's
How to Write a Contrived Novel   |
