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Bush to Britain: "Speak English, Motherfuckers"November 24, 2003 |
London, England Whit Pistol Befuddled President Bush wonders why that goofy-ass queen makes all the royal guards get the same odd haircut.
“Y’all talk like fruits over here,” concluded the president, as handlers corralled the president to the prime minister’s residence.
It was a bad start to a rough visit to London for the president, on a goodwill trip to improve his image across the Atlantic. Inside sources describe Bush as beleaguered and exasperated with constant negative coverage of his visit to the country, as well as an extreme difficulty in crossing the accent gap. Bush had reportedly cupped his hand to his ear minutes earlier and mouthed, “I donâ...
nother embarrassing gaff from the president occurred Tuesday when President Bush, briefly addressing protestors as he was escorted to a meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair, angrily demanded the crowd, “Speak English, motherfuckers!” “Y’all talk like fruits over here,” concluded the president, as handlers corralled the president to the prime minister’s residence. It was a bad start to a rough visit to London for the president, on a goodwill trip to improve his image across the Atlantic. Inside sources describe Bush as beleaguered and exasperated with constant negative coverage of his visit to the country, as well as an extreme difficulty in crossing the accent gap. Bush had reportedly cupped his hand to his ear minutes earlier and mouthed, “I don’t unnerstan ya,” before blurting out his loud insult to the surprised crowd. Though Bush’s meeting with the prime minister was insightful, according to better educated White House spokespeople, reporters from both countries were anxious to hear Bush’s excuse for the comment. “The president was tired and cranky, suffering from jet lag,” said overworked White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “he responded aggressively to what he perceived as an aggressive accusation in a language he couldn’t understand. He regrets saying things he should have only thought, but does not apologize. Wrap your head around that one.” Other difficulties presented themselves, the White House stated in an accompanying memo, all adding to Bush’s confusion with the language. He was disturbed when the prime minister asked for Bush to “knock him up” as soon as he arrived; also bothering him were a minor traffic accident involving a pair of “lorries” and the ride on the “lift” during his first stop. “We are talking about a president who hasn’t mastered this country’s cultural language quirks,” said an unidentified White House source this reporter nicknamed Big Johnson. “Put the pressure of selling the Iraq war and post-war reconstruction together with a culture he’s only familiar with through Benny Hill re-runs and we’re talking about one pissed-off president.” The visit was declared successful by the White House, claiming disagreements about the Iraq war and the country’s future were discussed and overcome, though gaffs continued to follow the president like a pack of redneck-sniffing hounds. When introduced to the Queen, the president shared how much he loved “We Will Rock You”; addressing a gathering British diplomats, Bush said how deeply he regretted bombing their country in World War II and he would make sure to see the big clock before he left. Thursday marked the biggest turnout of protestors as an estimated 100,000 tongue-clucking Britons gathered in Trafalgar Square to burn effigies of Bush, carry sort-of clever disparaging signs addressed to him, and generally dis the visiting president. Bush himself, in a better mood Thursday, took a Zen approach to the protests. “Everyone has the right to speak their own mind,” said the president. “We fought for their independence so they could say what they want.” the commune news has never been to England, but we’ve been to New England, and if all they got across the pond is clam chowder and the Celtics, we’ll just as well stay here. Truman Prudy is our UK correspondent, and a bit of an English muffin, if you get what we mean. And if you do, please explain it to him.
 |  Tuesday winners ousted on Thursday November 10, 2003 |
Frankfort, KY Snapper Mcgee/Molly Top: Former Governor-Elect Haley Barbour plays tiny violin for ousted Mississippi incumbent Governor Ronnie Musgrove. Bottom: More recent Governor-Elect Bumphrey Hoggs and his dummy Ron allege Haley Barbour is actually demonstrating his penis size.  
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Re...
olitical upheaval, the most boring kind for most Americans, occurred when two governors newly-elected in Tuesday's election were recalled Friday in the world's quickest voter flip-flop.
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Redmunch in what political analysts only I know are calling "the most confusing 48-hour campaign in history."
Fletcher's concession speech Friday embodied the election confusion: "I, uh… What happened? Am I the governor or what?"
Redmunch ran a controversial dirty campaign accusing Fletcher of improprieties in his two-day reign as governor-elect, including mispronouncing several Kentucky counties' names. Local journalists, including The Lexington Sentinel, called the final stages of the campaign the dirtiest 24 hours Kentucky has ever witnessed, outside of the livestock incidents. Even stranger, Redmunch was a fellow Republican replacing the first Republican governor elect in the state in 32 years. According to publicists for Redmunch, the candidate defended his actions by saying he had already been in the race 13 hours when he received confirmation of Fletcher's Republican status, by which time it was "too late to back out."
"He may claim to be a Republican," accused Remunch, in an 11th-hour campaign appearance in the 43rd hour of his campaign, "but he certainly sounds like a Democrat from where I'm standing. And how about his record as governor? What has he done for us since taking office?"
Attempts by reporters to explain Governor-Elect Fletcher had not yet officially taken office were drowned out by loud populous applause.
The story was quite different in Mississippi, where Tuesday winner Republican Haley Barbour was unseated by bitter rival and former drinking buddy Democrat Bumphrey Hoggs following a contentious debate Wednesday at 5:30 a.m., 30 minutes before polls opened. Reactions to the debate were quite different, as television viewers, a majority of the 30, believed the attractive Hoggs won the debate, while radio listeners reportedly requested Skynyrd.
In both cases, private financiers led drives to petition for a quick recall vote following the announcement of election results Tuesday night. State supreme courts refused to hear the arguments against recall elections so soon, based on the fact they want a week's notice on all cases, and would not grant a temporary stay "out of interests to the insane reactionary voters, whose political opinions could easily change in the greater span of a week."
With the needed signatures gathered by 11 p.m. in Kentucky and 12:30 Tuesday in Mississippi, recall elections were set for Thursday. Both challenging campaigns spent in the range of $20-30,000 to unseat the recent electees.
All is not finished, however, as Republican financiers in Mississippi, who lost the seat Thursday they had gained only Tuesday, have already begun petitions to replace fresh incumbent Bumphrey Hoggs and to have an emergency "no tagbacks" declared to end petitions until another petition against such an action can be signed. the commune news cannot be recalled, as we are a private organization and are in no way subject to your piddling emotional outburst of political ignorance. That aside, thanks for reading! Raoul Dunkin is a star reporter during the ten minutes at the beginning of the day before everyone shows up.
| Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 November 24, 2003 I Never Promised You a Rose GardenI find myself shocked and disappointed with all of the commune staff. No—more disappointed than shocked, with a hint of disgust. So much so I can't even address them, you, in person. I'm hoping to express myself and my disillusionment adequately in my usual space for ranting against outsiders. Oh! Disillusionment! I forgot I was disillusioned in addition to the disappointment, shock, and mild disgust I feel.
You would think my good, if somewhat comical, name would be enough after all these years of employing you ilk of questionable backgrounds. I stood by you when you needed me most. Everyone called many of you unhirable, and I proved them wrong. Though, true, they ultimately had the last laugh. When editors and website employers were treating you like something they scrape...
º Last Column: Save the Super-Accelerator
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I find myself shocked and disappointed with all of the commune staff. No—more disappointed than shocked, with a hint of disgust. So much so I can't even address them, you, in person. I'm hoping to express myself and my disillusionment adequately in my usual space for ranting against outsiders. Oh! Disillusionment! I forgot I was disillusioned in addition to the disappointment, shock, and mild disgust I feel.
You would think my good, if somewhat comical, name would be enough after all these years of employing you ilk of questionable backgrounds. I stood by you when you needed me most. Everyone called many of you unhirable, and I proved them wrong. Though, true, they ultimately had the last laugh. When editors and website employers were treating you like something they scraped off their shoe, and not in a good way, I took you in and allowed you to spread your wings and soar. Except for Omar Bricks, who took the metaphor quite literally with that batsuit. But you know what I mean.
It's true, when we negotiated the contract to prevent you striking back in July, I made quite a few promises. It's also true I cannot keep all those promises now—for good reason. It's a matter of public record since I accidentally published a private diary page my brother Gay is in a legal fight to take over the commune. Fighting these allegations has cost a lot of money, money I don't have or don't want to personally spend. I have had to dip into the commune secret fund to prevent this hostile (and smelly, to boot) takeover. Therefore, obviously, I lack the funding I had previously counted on when negotiating contracts.
To see myself abandoned like this! It leaves me… well, see the first paragraph. Again threatening a walkout just because I have failed to follow through with a few of those promises. I thought we were a family. Apparently we are, like my deceitful no-good brother is family. But I thought we were a better family.
It's true, I can't afford those fancy ergonomic chairs for the office as I pledged to buy in December 2001 and again promised to deliver this year. If you ask me, your posture is good enough. Ergonomic chairs at this point would be tampering with God's plan to form your backs to his will—or Buddha. If you believe in Buddha. I can't make good on the chairs right now, or the staple removers to finally get those mis-stapled papers apart, but you know me. I'm Red Bagel! Sooner or later I'll make that promise again, and I'll keep it. I promise.
We are a low-traffic website with honorable intentions and lofty goals, but not much more. This was never a get-rich-quick scheme, and I never promised you folks a rose garden. Or actually I may have; if I promised a rose garden, I'll get you a rose garden, but I can't do it before this legal nonsense is settled. Until then, I can bring in a fresh bouquet of daisies daily until we get the rose garden up and running. This I promise to you. And it's not a lame never-kept promise like staple removers and the ergonomic chairs.
What about the promises I did keep? Did you ever think about that? Ramrod Hurley has yet to be put in charge of anyone else again, and has yet to find where we stashed his desk. You all got the piggyback rides. What do you want—blood? I can give you blood by the barrelful, if I thought it would help. It will just take me a few days to get in touch with my blood guys.
I'm full of self-pity over all this feuding. Self-pity for you. You have allowed personal greed and horrible spinal curvature to come between this family. Gay Bagel? Fuck Gay Bagel. He's no Bagel in my book. You guys are the real Bagels, as far as I'm concerned.
If you call the planned walkout off, I'll even put that in writing. Legal name changes for everyone! º Last Column: Save the Super-Acceleratorº more columns | 
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Milestones1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.Now HiringHooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality. If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man. Top Box Office| 1. | Ashley Judd's Weird Appeal | | 2. | Black Man Down | | 3. | The Royal Waterbong | | 4. | Trailer for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones | | 5. | Freddie Prinze Jr. Smiles Dumbly For 90 Minutes | |
|   Incoming EPA Head Pledges to Mine Earth's Precious Core BY roland mcshyster 11/10/2003 Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, e...
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, etc. But what Hollywood producers don't understand is that the whole point of the character is that he's just a bad guy and a jerk, and he doesn't have any kind of special gun to shoot so he's lame anyway. Those same producers called in Russell Crowe to try and recreate the white-wash job he did on insane folk-rocker Graham Nash in A Beautiful Mime, and he does his best here but it's hard to act much through a big chrome motorcycle helmet. The film is also hampered by the bizarre decision to tie characters from Gary Larson's The Far Side comic strip universe into the action. This might have been a stroke of genius in another film, but in this one the infant goes cartwheeling out the window the second a guy shows up with a gun that shoots Doberman pincer dogs. It all goes surreally downhill from there, as the film is overrun by giant talking cockroaches and ostriches wearing neckties. There were a couple of funny bits toward the end, but it turned out those were all from Far Sides I'd missed on the days my bastard next-door neighbor stole the paper.
Brother Bear
Kudos to Disney for showing some class in naming their latest animated manifesto Brother Bear, which is far more P.C. than calling him a "Black Bear," an offensive term racist scientists have been using for years. And it's a welcome turn of events after the debacle of Disney's last animated shocker, Black Hotties Acting Naughty, which was a box-office disappointment and was way too stingy with the cheesecake. Brother Bear tells the story of an African-American bear's struggle to earn respect on the street, or whatever the woodland equivalent of the street is. The clearing, whatever. Word on the street is that Brother Bear will be Disney's final traditionally-animated feature, I'm not sure if that means all their movies in the future will be done like Dr. Katz or what, but I'm game for the change. The current popularity of CGI animated films has proven amply that computers are where it's at, even if it is a lot harder to draw with a mouse. But apparently there are some guys over in Korea or somewhere who can do it, so cool.
Good Boy!
Sitting through political docudrama about George W. Bush's first 600 days in office, bankrolled by his right-wing supporters and corporate backers? Yeah, that sounds a lot better than having my nuts cut off with a weed whacker.
Looney Tunes: Back Door Action
If ever a film disturbed me to my very core as a human being, while brutally assaulting my faith in humanity, it was Baby Geniuses. But Looney Tunes: Back Door Action is number two with a bullet, and it has its eyes on the prize. While I understand that Warner Bros. has been under pressure to keep up with Disney's deteriorating morals these last several years, there is such a thing as going too far, and this time they went too far and a half. If I wanted to watch cartoons having sex, I'd move to Japan, thank you very much.
The Matrix Restitutions
It really warms my heart to see those Matrix-happy bastards finally getting what they had coming. After tricking fans of the original Matrix into sitting through the painfully unwatchable The Matrix Reloaded, which was about as much fun as watching somebody else play a video game for two hours, the Wacowski's chickens have finally come home to roost. With some guidance from the U.N. Film Crimes tribunal, the courts ordered the Wacowskis to make The Matrix Restitutions as a third "we're sorry" film to fulfill the community service portion of their sentence. The resulting movie tells the story of two comic book geeks who get into directing and score a surprise sci-fi hit, only to lose all sense of perspective and turn out a disgustingly convoluted and pompous sequel, which prompts a violent fan backlash against the brothers themselves. The courts ordered the Wacowskis to put hundreds of Matrix fans through kung-fu and wire-stunt training to make the spectacular vigilante mayhem of Restitutions believable, and it was money well-spent. The result is both satisfying and unintentionally hilarious, in a "pasty white gimp kung-fu" kind of way. And the best part of Restitutions? None of the guys get naked, and Keanu keeps his hard drive docked the whole time. Hallelujah.
The Texas Chain Store Massacre
One of my prime arguments against letting women direct movies has always been that it would eventually lead to tons of horrible movies about menstrual bleeding and shopping. Well, the first part of my prophecy came true a lot sooner than the second, but the second apocalyptic horseman has just pulled into town. While I'm sure it was very exciting if you were there in person, watching a movie about a really bitchin' sale at an outlet mall in Texas and some ladies who made an absolute killing on discounted home furnishings is one of my personal red flags that I've somehow ended up in a Turkish prison against my will.
Well, that's about all the nuts you can stuff into this squirrel's cheeks this week, gents and gentinas. Here's hoping the day's treating you well and that little claymation dude from the old Dominos Pizza commercials isn't chasing you all around, because man would that suck. Adios!   |
