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November 10, 2003   
Like group sex without the awkward laughter
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Newest Governors Already Recalled
Tuesday winners ousted on Thursday
November 10, 2003
Frankfort, KY
Snapper Mcgee/Molly
Top: Former Governor-Elect Haley Barbour plays tiny violin for ousted Mississippi incumbent Governor Ronnie Musgrove. Bottom: More recent Governor-Elect Bumphrey Hoggs and his dummy Ron allege Haley Barbour is actually demonstrating his penis size.
P
olitical upheaval, the most boring kind for most Americans, occurred when two governors newly-elected in Tuesday's election were recalled Friday in the world's quickest voter flip-flop.

"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."

Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Re...Read more...

Incoming EPA Head Pledges to Mine Earth's Precious Core

Earlier policy of environmental protection reversed
November 10, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Alton Onus
Leavitt, with anonymous wife, assures assembled crowd flags will be safe from corporate drilling, unless given really convincing reason otherwise.
M
ichael O. Leavitt, the president's pick for head of the Environmental Protection Agency celebrated his first day on the job Thursday, with the promise to "eliminate the environment by 2010, and completely mine the Earth's precious core."

When questioned by reporters if eliminating the environment should be the aim of the EPA, Leavitt shrugged and said, "I gotta do something. I wasn't put here to sit on my butt."

Leavitt was a controversial choice for the four remaining liberals in the U.S., with a history of "fuck the environment" environmental policy in his former position as governor of Utah. Accusers point out Leavitt's passing of laws preventing lawsuits against agricultural polluters and his opening of Utah wilderness to build government roads through. Leav...Read more...

Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad
Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



November 10, 2003
Click for Biography

Save the Super-Accelerator

It's about time they built the super-accelerator, that's all I can say. For years they claim they want to protect the security of our borders and make everything more efficient for everyone, well, you know what I say? "Put your money where your mouth is." Only less cliché, and somewhat wittier. And finally someone did.

This is not news, of course. It was in all the non-commune papers and everybody made quite a big to-do out of it. Jay Leno, on his shallow pale imitation of the Carson show, made a particularly funny joke about it I can't remember. So it was well in the public zeitgeist for a long time now. You can't walk into a seedy bar or eavesdrop on someone's telephone calls without hearing casual references to the super-accelerator. Which is good, as far as I'm concerned...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“I can't quit you babe… you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaact… oh yes you do oh yes you do… your early termination fees are givin' me the blues… I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeah… I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in two…”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.
Top Scientific Discoveries, Week of 5/21/07
1.People hoarding "Forever" stamps deficient in inflation-understanding genes
2.Long middle fingers connected to aggressive tendencies in men
3.Fish oil aids in weight loss by grossing you all the fuck out
4.Most effective beauty tip for women: Get men drunk
5.Gay animals choose homosexual lifestyle
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Voter Turnout in Senate Hits All-Time Low

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
11/10/2003
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.


In Theaters



Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World

Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, e...Read more...