fforts to rebuild Iraq achieved a success Friday when U.N. officials, voiced by Secretary-General Kofi Annan, pledged funding for the reconstruction from the official United Nations "swear jar."

The swear jar, instituted in the 1960s during initial squabbles between Israel and surrounding Islamic nations, became a staple of public negotiations at the U.N. building in New York. Familiar statements such as, "Please, ambassador—there are ladies present," or, "Does the Prime Minister kiss his mother with that mouth?" became outlets for relief of tension with the high-strung representatives of many nations.

The legacy of the swear jar since its inception has spawned many rumors with U.N. fans, or "Unies," as they are called behind their backs. In 1967 the popular story was the swear jar had accumulated $432,000, all of which would be used for a hootenanny-slash-barbecue that summer, until Cold War relations worsened and the jar was put aside for possible war reparations to the eventual winning side. In 1978, after years of U.N. members dipping in for candy bars and vending machine sodas, the swear jar funds were down to $1.3 million, despite accruing an estimated $3.9 million in the time since public discussion of its allocation, and popular sentiment at that time was to use the bounty to build a new recreation room with new pool tables, a 27-inch TV, and a sofa with its upholstry intact. In 1990, during the first Gulf War crisis, the U.N. elected to move the swear jar money to a ceramic Mickey Mouse bank so everyone would be less likely to replenish other funds from swear-earned income.

At Friday's donor dinner, which is fun to say, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed attendees from the United Nations and requested approximately $35.8 billion through 2007 or "best offer" for the rebuilding of war torn Iraq, in which we did most of the tearing.

Angry nations and their angrier representatives expressed disinterest in springing for rebuilding out of their own pockets after explicitly making their aversion to the war public. Miniature squabbles resulted in the aftermath, adding an estimated $43 to the swear jar before lunchtime, but U.N. executives managed to chill out the crowd with a copy of Bob Marley's Legend album.

With the uproar squashed, Secretary General Kofi Annan sparked a quiet hush in the room when he turned to Treasury Secretary Candy and asked, "How much is in the swear jar?" After conferring privately with the secretary, Annan nodded and turned back toward the microphone, pronouncing, "I think we can swing it."

Most countries found the pledge agreeable, but the allocation of the swear jar funding did have its opponents. French ambassador Henrí Bois-Bois was quick to voice his dissent.

"If the U.S. expects the rest of the Western world to step in and pay to make its repairs when it gives us no voice in preventing a war, we are setting a dangerous precedent by agreeing to do so," stated the dignitary. "Also, there are many of us who had not given up hope on getting jackets with our names on the back done up. Those are not going to pay for themselves. Does the U.S. propose to pay for those in exchange? This is so unfair."

The swear jar allocation, if it happens, could be the largest expenditure of U.N. community bank since financing a pizza party to settle the Falkland Islands dispute with money found in the rec room couch cushions.

mm, mmm, mmm! Wal-Mart stores around America were hobbled Thursday when bucking young federal agents swooped in and arrested hundreds of illegal alien contract employees to deport them back to wherever they came from, with a friendly, "Better luck next time!" Friday, Wal-Mart explained the hiring practices that allowed so many illegal aliens to be working in their stores: "It's much cheaper."

"Regular labor," said sexy Mike Dunphy, the regional spokesperson for Wal-Mart of America, "is extremely costly in this day and age. Federal law requires you to supply benefits and a certain minimum number of hours for full-time employees. Also, you have to pay exorbitant amounts in overtime for employees working more than 40 hours a week—which can be pricey. Fortunately, Wal-Mart can get around this in most cases by hiring part-time employees, for whom the law offers no protection, and staff our stores with those employees without paying benefits. If we give them few enough hours, we don't pay them overtime, we can sufficiently run our stores for a reduced cost and string along employees for years before they realize they'll never get a full-time position."

All illegal aliens arrested in the federal probe, Dunphy was quick to point out, were not direct employees of the Wal-Mart corporation, but contract employees through other firms, allowing Wal-Mart complete exoneration. The hiring of illegal aliens, the Wal-Mart corporation noted, is against everything they publicly endorse.

"The Wal-Mart company and its subsidiaries has never employed illegal aliens," stated Dunphy, "directly. Now, we're not responsible for who our contractors hire to clean our stores. All we know is we're talking some serious coin to staff people to clean our filthy stores all night. If a contractor comes up to us and says they can get the stores cleaned for a ridiculously low price, what are we going to do, ask them how they can afford to do it? Of course not. Wal-Mart shoppers aren't asking us how we got those Sanyo TVs so discounted. We cut the costs and pass the blame on to you. Did I say blame? I meant savings."

The illegal hiring allegations come at a bad time for Wal-Mart, and Mike Dunphy in particular, who was losing his job at the end of the day. The corporation has recently begun downsizing after years of non-stop growth since its boom in the 1980s. Many believed Wal-Mart a teflon company after it survived past recessions without a scar, and continued to expand, but the announcement that hundreds of jobs would be cut came as a harsh call to reality for some. Damn shame.

"It's no surprise to those of us who work for Wal-Mart," said Dunphy, over cocktails at a local dive. "For years the corporation has barreled ahead to expand in areas where they've already eliminated most of the competition. Creating the illusion of growth is more important than real growth in the modern economy. Bringing superstores to small towns that could barely support a regular Wal-Mart, practices like that. It's like you're outrunning a drunken ex-wife with a butcher knife, sooner or later it catches up with you. The bitch is always right on your ass, economically speaking. You got pretty eyes, angel."

Wal-Mart had not been announced culpable for the employment of contractors who hire illegal aliens at press time, but federal officials said they hope it did not raise the cost of jeans in their area.

I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding, but that's about as close as it gets. Which is confusing because my brother Dave acts like I'm wearing a "Please Ruin The Lord of the Rings For Me" tee shirt.

The other day we're hanging out and talking about the trailer for the third Rings movie, The Return of the King, coming out in December. And out of nowhere Dave blurts out "Man, there's going to be a lot for them to cover in that third movie! I don't know how they're going to do it; it's going to have to be like eight hours long! Frodo hasn't even been captured yet..."

Thanks a lot, dickcheese. Anything else you'd like to ruin for me before you punch out for the day? Any bands I like breaking up or anything? See any of my ex-boyfriends hooking up with supermodels? Moron.

Dave, being Dave, claimed that he'd assumed I was familiar with the story from reading the books or watching the 1970's animated film. As if I he wouldn't know either way. We've spent our entire lives living in the same house! I know how many times he's eaten tacos. Does he think I snuck off and read 1,800 pages of Tolkien while he was out taking a shit?

But that's just Dave. You've got to let Dave be Dave, or else he gets sulky and locks himself in the bathroom all day.

I can never take Dave too seriously since he thought the Ring Wraiths were way scarier when they were riding those black horses in Fellowship than when they had the flying dragons in The Two Towers. Not that the horses weren't scary, mind you, but Dave should realize he's fucking insane. He can go ahead and have the dudes on the dragons chase him, I'll take my chances with the ones on horseback and I'll make sure they put something on Dave's tombstone about how he thought the horses were scarier.

Sure, the horses were definitely scary, but Jesus Christ man, these are flying dragons we're talking about here! Forget the Ring Wraiths, I'm terrified of those dragons solo. They could kill you accidentally. Just think about it for a second. What do horses eat? Hay, grass? Salt? Junk like that, maybe dog biscuits if they're really hungry. Dragons eat knights and possibly other dragons, that's it. No contest there. They could bite your head off and then set you on fire, just because they liked the way it smells. What's a horse going to do, kick you?

Ooh. You've got me shitting bullets there, Dave. Look out, because if you go stand in front of that horse for like a half an hour and make no effort to get out of the way, he might kick you. I know when I can't sleep at night it's because I'm thinking of nature videos I've seen of horses in the wild, stealthily wandering up to their prey and sort of half-assed kicking them in the head. Chilling. I was a fool to think the dragons were scarier.

Thankfully Dave has kept his mouth shut about what's to come in the third film ever since the lamp-throwing incident. If the Ring Wraiths are riding coked-up Tyrannosaurs Rexes or something in Return of the King, I don't want to know about it until they're up there on the big screen, biting the spare tire off the back of Frodo's Jeep. And no, Dave, I haven't read the script off the Internet and I'm not going to. Just shut up.

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