You need a newer browser.

October 27, 2003   
We just don't make 'em like we used to
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

"Sunfart" Wreaks Havoc on Earth

October 27, 2003
Earth
NASA
Incriminating photograpic evidence of the embarrassing breech in solar etiquette
A
powerful stream of energized gas and particles ejected from the sun last Friday may have a lingering effect on satellites and communications devices this week, scientistic men announced this morning. The coronal mass ejection, or “sunfart” as it is popularly known in the scientific community, reached Earth Friday afternoon, immediately making it clear that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

“Yo I was tryin’ to ring up my girl for a booty call you know?” lamented cell-phone user Tyrell Keck. “But then the sun farted right in my face and my call got dropped and shit! Bam! Can’t believe that. Happens all the time with this shitty prepaid phone I got, but this time I got the sun’s stanky ass to blame. Ain’t right.”

Thousands of cellular customers report...Read more...


Fox Cancels Yankees-Marlins World Series

October 27, 2003
Los Angeles, CA
Junior Bacon
An empty Yankee Stadium greets the spoilsport New York and Florida teams
O
fficials at the Fox network announced last week that despite record ratings for the first two rounds of baseball’s postseason, the Yankees-Marlins World Series will be cancelled due to lack of viewer interest. The announcement stunned and disappointed sports fans, who thought Fox was talking about canceling the World Cup. Executives have since issued a statement assuring the viewing public that the little-watched soccer tournament, which appeals to foreign-born Americans and small children who play soccer, will go on as scheduled.

“Our focus group research indicates that watching the Yankees play in the World Series has the same level of audience appeal as watching the Iraqi National Guard gang-rape Mother Theresa,” explained Fox Sports head Walter Lawrie. “And the Mar...Read more...

Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad
Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



October 27, 2003
Click for Biography

commune Story

I've never been forthcoming about the commune's history, I freely admit. As far as I was concerned, how we got here isn't an issue. I prefer not to dwell on the past, unless we're talking about the time-traveling carpetbaggers who foiled the Bay of Pigs invasion. When it comes to the commune, where it came from is better off unknown, like the creation of hot dogs. Until recently, that is. With the death of my father Duke Bagel, and the impending legal action by my brother for control of the commune, it's quite clear I need to establish why the commune is mine, no matter what paper and lawyers say.

Unfortunately, this involves the unpleasant history between me and my father, which is the major reason I've not discussed the commune openly with many people before now. It is true...Read more...

º Last Column: Boys, You're All Pretty
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duck—goose. Lucky numbers all negative.


Try again later.
John Kerry's Vision for America
1.Americans shouldn't be despised everywhere abroad; only France
2.Health care for each and every American with insurance
3.A chicken in every pot, and pot for everyone without a chicken
4.Make Affleck and J-Lo realize they're still in love
5.Sterilize all Bush males
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

White House Leakage Prompts Probe

View Past Columns
BY karl wogoblitz
10/27/2003
Timefuck
Basil Rubyquartz is being time fucked.

At first he finds himself a young man, cheating off the girl next to him on his kindergarten placement tests. The next moment he is a middle-aged man with a wife and daughter, both the same girl, and owns a nice home in the suburbs in the whitest quarter in New Orleans. In a blink he is on the Russian front fighting the Russians in World War II, a mistake which will get him chewed out by his commanders when informed he is supposed to be fighting the Germans.

The cause of these time fuckings is unknown to Basil Rubyquartz. If you must know, for the sake of the story, though Basil will never find out, it's because of the split consciousness he suffers as a baby when he was dropped on his head. It is a purposeful attempt by Ba...Read more...