he Tuesday polls have closed, the ballots are still being counted, but estimates make the outcome clear: California has lost the recall election.

California voters turned out in record, ignorant numbers Oct. 7 to make their confused voices heard, and the answer was a resounding, "What's this all about again?" As voters chose to recall Gov. Gray Davis, elected only 11 months earlier, and replace him with female-violating, Hitler-loving pure beef slab Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not that a truly inept politician can't ruin an entire political system in less than a year. The current president only needed 9 months before the world as we knew it fell into a shitcan. And Gray Davis, described by friends as "a necessary evil," probably deserved a good pink-slipping. But to replace the deviously crafty with the hopelessly out-of-their-league, a trend already set at the presidential level, left California in the position of the biggest loser in the U.S.

Early estimates show the recall winning by 55%, with Schwarzenegger leading the recall candidates by a sizable margin. Among the opponents not just doing it for shits and giggles, Lt. Gov. "Tom" Cruz Bustamente, Sen. Tom McClintock, apparently not the character from the John Wayne movie of the same name, and a Green Party candidate who pushed a referendum where new ballots were cast with hemp. Schwarzenegger's 7,000+ votes over the next nearest candidate was called "overwhelming" by some overly-excited reporters. After all, here is a difficult foreign name they already know how to pronounce.

McClintock conceded happily to his fellow plus-sized Republican, calling it a "great day for California."

"In response to a common danger, the people of California rose to their duties and ordered a new direction for our state," said the well-rehearsed GOP mouthpiece. The message on that direction couldn't be less clear: We want the dumbest, most sexually-excitable candidate who runs a chain of failed over-hyped restaurants to do for us what he did for The Last Action Hero.

The white media, plagued with their fascination with celebrity, lauded the Schwarzenegger victory in many subtle ways, some calling it a "Hollywood ending." Leaving one compelled to remind reporters Dr. Strangelove and Taxi Driver had Hollywood endings, too.

Exit polls showed many voters disappointed with the failure of Gray Davis to mend California's budget problems during his 11 months in office. "It's not like the whole country's in a recession here," said one angry voter, drooling on this reporter's tape recorder.

The results of the California recall do little to surprise most pollsters, who predicted the election weeks in advance with their preemptive announcement of recall results beforehand. When asked what features they were looking for in a state governor, most Californians cited a vague understanding of the problems afflicting the state, poor pronunciation of English, and having appeared in at least one horrible Batman movie.

In a concession speech, Gray Davis called for everyone to "get behind" the governor-elect. What Davis neglected to add, but surely was thinking, was either that, 1, you could then proceed to push him off a cliff and into the Pacific Ocean, or 2, he's a big guy and you'll need the shade when the air conditioning dies after every power grid goes out, you fickle yellow-bellied traitors.

Schwarzenegger's new lieutenant governor, a bronze bust of former president Ronald Reagan, could not be reached for comment, as it's incapable of speech.

elevangelist and all-around Christian doorknob Pat Robertson was on the defensive again this week, claiming that his recent quote "We should blow up the State Department" was taken out of context by the media to indicate that he thought we should blow up the State Department.

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do," Robertson said during a "700 Club" interview with journalist Joel Mowbray.

"I can't state strongly enough how much I disagree with this idea," said emphatic department spokesperson Richard Boucher. "I think the very idea is despicable. I feel very strongly about this. No. I vote 'No'."

"It's just a terrible idea," added spokesperson Ron Lilly. "I mean, good luck getting your hands on a nuke that small."

"When I suggested previously that we nuke the State Department, many took this to mean I advocate the destruction of the U.S. State Department by way of planting a nuclear device in their Foggy Bottom headquarters," stated Robertson in his public retraction. "Nothing could be further from the tr—No, wait, that's right. What is everybody so upset about again?"

While State Department officials are nearly unanimous in their opposition to the plan, the American public thus far seems largely indifferent.

"The State Department? What do they make, license plates?" questioned hairdresser Roger Darland. "Fuck it, nuke 'em!"

Military experts find Robertson's plan intriguing, but not without its share of flaws.

"It would be exceedingly difficult to nuke the State Department without causing significant collateral damage to other parts of the government, given their geographical proximity," observed military strategist and gaming nut Noam Stewart. "Not that I'd be opposed to just nuking that whole circus, mind you."

Stewart also pointed out that Robertson's suggestion that "maybe we should cut off all of their dicks and put them in a blender," would likely be vetoed by the president and any other empathetic penis-havers in higher government.

The State Department, which oversees U.S. foreign policy, has come under fire from conservatives in recent months for coddling authoritarian governments in the Middle East and proving to be too lax in its visa program with Saudi Arabia.

"Robertson's comments were despicable, and irresponsible," lisped department spokesman Boucher. "Especially considering the highly-impressionable nature of our president. He doesn't always know when you're joking, even if it may seem obvious to us. President Bush is much like a Golden Retriever in that way."

Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.

Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and legs. This does tell other persons Boris is serious to win basketsball.

This all start when Boris is hanging in with friend Julio down by schoolyard. Boris and Julio always play game that is called "I am not Julio!" Is fun pretending game where Julio pretends him is not Julio and does not know Boris. Is Boris job in game to pretend him is Boris, which is easier part.

There is part of game where Julio does say funny mean goodbye things to Boris and goes to stand on other side of parking lot, always fun. But this time when happens, basketsball persons does notice Boris and think of him as great lump of basketsball clay to be molded into hero person. Is true! Is like when funny persons in robes does go to find Deli Llama, them look all over place and under tables to find llama king, who is little boy person who was hiding and now will run deli. Boris is like this, but for basketsball.

Persons does teach Boris rules of game, which is to be broken like in Magic Matrix movie. Smart person can spin in air like karate boy and wax car with fighting. So crazy, but this is way of Japan.

Game does start but is trouble because Similar to Skippy follows Boris everywhere and basketsball persons is tripping on dog's cape. Does Boris tell of cape? Is early Halloween costume for Similar to Skippy; him is going to be Supermans for this day. Boris does get costume at Drugs Store and after trying on dog to see if fits, him doesn't not want to take off. Boris is hoping Halloween comes soon because plastic cape is so dirty like Louis friend Pigpen. Such mess. And persons starting to think Similar to Skippy is strange little man who does wear cape and fur hat all times. But is good because now dog can come to movies!

Boris ties Similar to Skippy to trash basket and is no more problems, except him does climb inside trash to get Burger King leftovers.

Now is Boris time to shine on basketsball court, which is like parking lot with no cars. Boris hides in back until persons does forget him is playing, then makes move! Boris runs and gets basket with ball on other court, where persons is not standing in way. Surprise attack is important part of Boris strategy.

After much yelling it is known that Boris new nickname is Michael Jordans. Very nice. Now persons is afraid to throw Boris ball because him is so unstoppable. Boris does get many sweatbands for next time of playing, and persons is so impressed that Boris is like Michigan Man. So fun.

But after few days of this Boris does come and basketsball persons is not there this time. So strange. Julio tells that persons are playing on other court in place that is secret from Boris, and his name not Julio.

Louis say persons is not ready for Boris way of basketsball, is ahead of time like Jesus. This is okay. Boris has fun times and now can get shirt made saying "BASKETSBALL JESUS" next time at mall, very nice.

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