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September 29, 2003   
Made almost entirely of buffalo
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Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to Campaign

Bronze representation of ex-president given prominent position
September 29, 2003
Los Angeles, California
Whit Pistol
Schwarzenegger and the lifeless bust of Ronald Reagan (right) make a campaign stop to rally voters to the recall candidate's side.
A
fter failing to impress voters with his thick accent and scripted responses in Wednesday's California Governor debate, famous Aryan Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new addition to his campaign Friday: A bust of former president and oppressor Ronald Reagan.

The bust, a one-foot sculpture of the B-movie actor and monkey sidekick, is apparently bronze in nature and a perfect representation of the ex-president since it no longer smiles either. The real Reagan, a senile old fart who hasn't made a public appearance in a decade, could not be reached for comment.

Schwarzenegger made the announcement at a press conference on the afternoon of Sept. 26, at a small charity dinner the press were barred from attending. Reading from his teleprompter, America's purest white m...Read more...

U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status

September 29, 2003
London, England
Ansel Evans
Britons discuss traffic reduction over a pint or 10,000
A
report published by Downing Street’s strategy unit found the whole of Britain utterly plastered last week, surprising government officials who thought the nation only mostly drunk. The study, originally intended to determine public opinion toward new traffic-reduction measures in downtown London, shocked researchers by revealing that the entire British populace, to a man, was too drunk to talk about traffic.

The study found British binge drinking had increased to 100 percent, and added that British children under 16 are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Some blame the government’s “Our kids: Tomorrow’s drunks, today!” poster campaign for this increase, while others lay the blame on all the kids getting shitfaced everywhere. The study is also thought ...Read more...

Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



September 29, 2003
Click for Biography

Life Has Lemons for Boris

It all start when Boris goes to store and get lemons.

Boris is telling Louis story about is sad that kids on block like to throw eggs at Boris when him is walking Similar to Skippy dog, and Boris is too slow to catch egg presents and make into food or Easter toys. Instead, eggs does hit Boris and make mess on fur hat Similar to Skippy does wear. And Similar to Skippy does pee when hit by eggs, this is his dog defense. So is such a big sad mess.

Louis say when life give you lemons you shut up and make lemonades. Is good idea, but Boris life does not give lemons, does give to Boris eggs. And eggs no good for drinking when stuck on wall or dry in dog's fur hat.

Life does also give to Boris lint. But lint is so hard to make into drink. One time Boris does...Read more...

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Milestones
1982: Fred Connor born, grows up to lead successful rebellion against war of the machines in 2011. Or at least he would have been, if a Terminator hadn't successfully eliminated him from history, according to Research Editor Griswald Dreck.
Now Hiring
Good Terminator. Talking to Griswald Dreck has made us see the wisdom of employing a preventative Terminator security system, preferably a skilled Terminator robot who has been reprogrammed to protect commune staff members. No pay or retirement plans—yours is not to reason why, just to do and die.
Top Unrevealed Bush Tax Cut Benefits
1.Paper currency disintegrates upon touching hands of lower classes
2.Top 1 percent of wealth holders can legally eat cloned dinosaur
3.Five new interns approved for every Democrat who votes for cuts
4.Third Star Wars movie legally required to be drastic improvement
5.Millions of tax dollars refunded to rich; T-shirts for poor
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Hamas Leader Demands One True Ring

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BY newman kaputnick
9/29/2003
So Cold Blooded
Virgil Knotts was born at thirteen years old in Orange Valley, Montana. Being born so old, he was noticeably bigger than the other boys, and always felt like an outcast. Friends and classmates would describe Knotts as a ĂŹquiet boy, a loner who kept to himself a lot.ĂŽ Knotts would then sneak up on the classmates and kick the crap out of them for talking about him.


KnottsĂ­ predilection for sudden, unyielding violence and his fondness for comic books made him a natural companion for Ornery Wilpott. Wilpott was the son of a military family, a battalion of 24 men who mistakenly adopted the child when they accidentally filled out the wrong papers to return a gift. Wilpott moved around quite a bit growing up and never made many friends until reaching Orange Valley. Knotts an...Read more...