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Tiger Attacks: Is This Really a Problem? October 13, 2003 |
Las Vegas, NV NEWSSTAND GARY Deluge of tiger-attack media robs us of another picture of J-Lo, Affleck. merican media is in a frenzy the week following a brutal tiger attack on magician Roy Horn in Las Vegas. The Oct. 3 mauling of the entertainer happened at The Mirage hotel-casino show in front 1,500 lucky paying fans. Ever since the incident, news organizations and infotainment sources have been bringing a steady deluge of information on tigers and tiger attacks to the public, prompting the question: Is this really a problem?
Horn, 59, of the famed unambiguously-gay duo “Sigfried & Roy,” remains in critical condition following the near-fatal tiger attack. The tiger, a white 7-year-old Siberian tiger, the same kind it’s hard to get a photo of Horn without, was being quarantined and apparently held for questioning following the mauling. Witnesses said Horn was alone with t...
merican media is in a frenzy the week following a brutal tiger attack on magician Roy Horn in Las Vegas. The Oct. 3 mauling of the entertainer happened at The Mirage hotel-casino show in front 1,500 lucky paying fans. Ever since the incident, news organizations and infotainment sources have been bringing a steady deluge of information on tigers and tiger attacks to the public, prompting the question: Is this really a problem? Horn, 59, of the famed unambiguously-gay duo “Sigfried & Roy,” remains in critical condition following the near-fatal tiger attack. The tiger, a white 7-year-old Siberian tiger, the same kind it’s hard to get a photo of Horn without, was being quarantined and apparently held for questioning following the mauling. Witnesses said Horn was alone with the tiger onstage when it grabbed his arm; Horn then tried to fend off the animal with a microphone, but it offered no comment on its intentions. The tiger, whose name was not released to reporters, then went for Horn’s throat and dragged him off-stage. Those who saw the event described it as “terrifyingly amusing.” No doubt it was gruesome to behold, and will be part of an hour-long Fox special in the future, but what about preventing further incidents of tiger-related injuries? One man has received possibly-fatal injuries already, and much other damage has been inflicted: 267 Sigfried & Roy workers lost their jobs and The Mirage lost a $44 million-earning act. What other damage have tigers inflicted on the American public? According to a PETA pamphlet mistakenly mailed to the commune, over 15,000 tigers are privately owned in the United States, despite being illegal as pets. Since 1990, six adults and two children have been killed in tiger-related incidents, and over 60 have been seriously injured. Statistics on how many tigers or individuals are involved in the entertainment industry are not given, but it’s easy to assume most illegally-kept tigers are not kept secret by taking them onstage for a show regularly. In fact, truthfully, how you can keep a tiger amongst other people at all without anyone knowing about it is itself a mystery, given this reporter’s cat Knickers receives complaints from nasty neighbors on average of once a week. Since the mauling at The Mirage, lawmakers have apparently done nothing further to discourage further tiger attacks. Though with media hype building, the exact number of licenses and permits necessary to bring a wild animal show to town will likely be revealed as tiger-related news proves a thin resource. Reports continue to flood in about the outpouring of support for Roy Horn and his companion, meant in the working sense, Sigfried Fischbacher. People arrive in droves at a makeshift memorial in front of The Mirage and numbers of them hold candlelight vigils in front of the hospital where he continues his recovery process. So many people have visited the Sigfried & Roy website, it has reportedly crashed numerous times. Meanwhile, 11 million children in Africa are left orphans from AIDS epidemics and the UN projects 2 billion people worldwide will live in poverty by 2030. the commune news has faced imminent danger from wild animals as well, and while a pigeon may not be the same thing as a tiger, we should stress there was only one tiger in this story and about 30 pigeons in ours. Raoul Dunkin sure would look spiffy in one of those Sigfried & Roy costumes, don’t you think?
| Slogan lovers clear winner in Thursday's face-off September 29, 2003 |
Nine Democratic candidates throw out their best puns and slogans for a Manhattan audience, with Howard Dean occupying the popular center square position. Tenth candidate something Graham is not pictured, and truthfully we were lucky to remember the name at all. hursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All candidates involved tried to sum up the complicated problems of the U.S. and international affairs into humorous phrases or puns, jabbing incessantly at each other's records and universally condemning President Bush as a major jerkoff.
The lead attraction for the afternoon, besides the boyish good looks of Sen. John Edwards, was the debut of retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark. The former NATO commander lobbed the first polite volley of the day with his backhanded compliment in opening remarks: "I'm happy to join such an esteemed group of Dem...
hursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All candidates involved tried to sum up the complicated problems of the U.S. and international affairs into humorous phrases or puns, jabbing incessantly at each other's records and universally condemning President Bush as a major jerkoff.
The lead attraction for the afternoon, besides the boyish good looks of Sen. John Edwards, was the debut of retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark. The former NATO commander lobbed the first polite volley of the day with his backhanded compliment in opening remarks: "I'm happy to join such an esteemed group of Democratic colleagues. I can't believe you're all trailing Bush in the polls."
Clark also dealt one of the earliest catchphrases in the debate in slamming the Bush administration. "We elected a president we thought was a compassionate conservative. Instead, we got neither conservatism or compassion." A solid good start to political soundbytes, though Clark erred in claiming Bush had been elected.
Pace University Political Science professor Ingrid Northam explained the importance of a political catchphrase in an election, to sum up the heart of one's platform to Americans surfing the TV and too busy to actually seek information on candidates. But more importantly, for a field of Democrats all failing to stimulate voter interest, catchphrases can be a make-or-break way of establishing a personality the voters can appreciate. It allows them to differentiate between candidates, and the right catchphrase could put a failing candidacy right back on track. It was extremely interesting stuff and well-spoken, and this reporter regrets not having written any of it down.
After initial platforms were summarized, the catchphrase cannonade really began. Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry knocked Bush tax cuts, claiming, "President Bush calls cutting taxes for the richest Americans, 'tax relief.' Well, you know how I spell relief, Mr. President? J-O-B-S." The audience hooted and hollered as if free beer were served, and afterward nothing could stem the flow of nifty slogans.
Rep. Dick Gephardt's strategy was to attack frontrunner Howard Dean. "Dean called Medicare the 'worst Federal program ever.' He sided with Newt Gingrich on a $270 billion cut in Medicare. Governor, for a man with the name Dean, you got no class."
Dean angrily retorted, "What kind of name is Gephardt? The dumb kind, you ask me." But most irksome to the major contender was the comparison to Newt Gingrich, which Dean vehemently denied, saying, "Nobody up here deserves to be compared to Newt Gingrich." the commune contacted Newt Gingrich for a response, but upon being told he was Newt Gingrich the former Speaker of the House flew into a rage and threatened to sue us if we printed such slander.
The debate proved most successful for those already leading the pack, analysts said. Trailing candidates failed to make much headway, and some contribute it to coming to the debate ill-prepared for catchphrases. Sen. John Edwards declared, "I keep coming back like the clap," to no effect on the audience. Carol Mosley Braun failed to gain much ground with her new slogan, "Who am I? Let's find out together!" However, Al Sharpton reportedly managed to add a few points to his demographics with the rattling shout of, "Who's up for ribs?" It was newcomer Clark, however, who made the most initial impact from his first debate appearance, closing his part in the debate, "Tanks for your nomination." the commune news appreciates the wealth of Democratic candidates in this electoral go-round, but still, one must ask—whither Mondale? Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent. We realize this story is only vaguely-related to Washington, and we appreciate your understanding in the matter.
| Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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October 13, 2003 Can You Hear Me Now? The History of Sonarthe commune's Griswald Dreck checks in with a whale of a tale The next time you're out fly-fishing on the open sea, and out of nowhere a deep rumbling beneath you swells into the thunderous surfacing of a mighty beast, a whale of elephantine proportions that promptly explodes in a cacophony of catastrophic gore, remember that you have Lewis Captain to thank. If it weren't for one of the greatest and most unlikely American inventors of all time, you wouldn't be frantically bailing dog-sized hunks of hot whale meat out of your boat as it rapidly capsized into the ocean. And as you're clinging to a Styrofoam cooler while what's left of your boat slowly descends down towards Davey Jones' locker, you'll know that you have just experienced the magic of Sonar.
Sonar was invented in 1918 by Captain Lewis Captain, a man who spent his entire life ...
º Last Column: More Fads: The 1960's º more columns
The next time you're out fly-fishing on the open sea, and out of nowhere a deep rumbling beneath you swells into the thunderous surfacing of a mighty beast, a whale of elephantine proportions that promptly explodes in a cacophony of catastrophic gore, remember that you have Lewis Captain to thank. If it weren't for one of the greatest and most unlikely American inventors of all time, you wouldn't be frantically bailing dog-sized hunks of hot whale meat out of your boat as it rapidly capsized into the ocean. And as you're clinging to a Styrofoam cooler while what's left of your boat slowly descends down towards Davey Jones' locker, you'll know that you have just experienced the magic of Sonar.
Sonar was invented in 1918 by Captain Lewis Captain, a man who spent his entire life nurturing a powerful hatred of whales. This hatred would eventually lead him to develop the world's most powerful whale-killing technology, which had the unintended side-effect of helping sailors navigate underwater environs.
Captain's last name was actually pronounced CAP-tayne, like it rhymed with plantain. But back then people didn't know what plantains were either, so they just pronounced it "captain" and made fun of the fact that he couldn't even swim. Throughout history, people have had a hard time accepting anyone named Captain who didn't pilot a boat or at least wear one of those white hats around the office.
Growing up, Captain had no interest in the sea beyond his virulent hatred of whales, an animal which he had never seen. His reasons for hating whales so violently are a matter of folk legend, with popular explanations ranging from a whale eating his prized marble collection when he was a boy to Captain being agonized by a persistent stench in his college dormitory, which some passing neer-do-well described as "smelling like a whale's bung." Captain only learned to sail because people were tired of hearing him complain about whales when he had never been out to sea.
After earning a Bachelor of Sailing degree from the Maritime Institute in Massachusetts, Captain set out on several unsuccessful whale-hunting expeditions from 1915 to 1918. Some blamed his lack of success on his aversion to harpoons and his preference for putting various foods that whales might find delicious on a gigantic hook, which he attached to an oversized fishing pole. Captain never did catch a whale this way, though he did land several passing fishing vessels using these innovative methods.
Eventually Captain tired of his inefficient whale-eradication techniques. In 1918 he was inspired by the incessant screech a neighbor's highly-annoying big band record to develop a special underwater speaker, which could be used to taunt whales with big band music, possibly driving them to suicide. He also developed an underwater microphone with which he could gleefully monitor the whales' tortured Chewbacca cries of "Turn down that racket!" and "For the love of God, we're trying to sleep here!"
The system was largely ineffective until turned up to near-deafening levels, at which point it began working like gangbusters. The noises freaked out whales and various other undersea creatures, causing them to surface in a panic and explode when gasses in their bloodstreams, trapped by deep-sea pressures, sought egress like a shook-up Diet Shasta. Captain loved that shit, and soon orchestrated the exploding marine creature displays as if they were Fourth of July fireworks.
During one of these expeditions, or "Safaris" as Captain liked to call them, crewman Paul Langévin noticed that the microphone was picking up reflected echos of the big band music in such a way to allow the virtual mapping of the ocean's floor by timing the reflections received from various directions. Captain greeted this news by giving less than two thirds of a shit, but Langévin filed away the knowledge and used it to develop the world's first functioning "Sonar" system. The system was named for the first narwhal Captain exploded in 1918, and went on to be used extensively in the naval operations of WWII.
Over the next fifty years, Captain did his best at adjusting to a world that grew gradually less open to the wholesale slaughter of marine creatures. Toward the end of his life he was arrested while trying to blow up the trick-performing show whales at Sea World, who were beloved by children and weird maritime perverts the world over. Though he only succeeded in giving Shamu mild vertigo and a touch of performance anxiety with his hand-held Sonar device, Captain was ordered by the courts to attend several weeks of marine abuse-prevention counseling. He stubbornly died shortly thereafter, leaving behind a legacy of innovation and insane nautical enmity that will marvel and bemuse the world for generations. º Last Column: More Fads: The 1960'sº more columns |
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Quote of the Day“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”
-Billiam SwordswartFortune 500 CookieThe next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.
Try again later.Top-Selling Halloween Masks1. | John Kerry w/ matching beret | 2. | George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look | 3. | Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o | 4. | Me, only better | 5. | Eddie Murphy circa 1986 | 6. | Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask | 7. | Irresistible Sexy Man #34 | 8. | Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream" | 9. | '57 Studebaker | 10. | That guy over there | |
| Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to CampaignBY roland mcshyster 10/13/2003 Suffering succotash and other unfortunate vegetables, America! Roland McShyster here and we're back for another hermetically sealed bag of entertainment goodness. What has Hollywood got under the heat lamps for us this week? As usual, it's their dry rubbery best and we're here to sort out the inedible from the kinda okay. Let's take a look at the movies:
In Theaters
The House of the Dead
I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb here to say this is hands-down the scariest and most accurate Grateful Dead documentary to date. Focusing mainly on the scary butt-funk chateau the band lived in communally until Jerry Garcia's death, the film also serves as a haunting overview of the band's career...
Suffering succotash and other unfortunate vegetables, America! Roland McShyster here and we're back for another hermetically sealed bag of entertainment goodness. What has Hollywood got under the heat lamps for us this week? As usual, it's their dry rubbery best and we're here to sort out the inedible from the kinda okay. Let's take a look at the movies:
In Theaters
The House of the Dead
I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb here to say this is hands-down the scariest and most accurate Grateful Dead documentary to date. Focusing mainly on the scary butt-funk chateau the band lived in communally until Jerry Garcia's death, the film also serves as a haunting overview of the band's career. The filmmakers use extensive archive footage to chilling effect, including clips from when the Dead played the same song for three terrifying hours during a concert in Montreal in 1988. Also of interest to Dead fans and horror fans alike is the extremely early footage of the band as teens, jamming on "Polly Wolly Doodle" for a day and a half.
Intolerable Cruelty
When the original Cruel Intentions was released in 1999, few thought it would spawn a franchise that has included over twenty films. But moviegoers have kept coming back for more emotionally hurtful antics over the years, making hits of Cruel Intentions 2, Be Cruel to Your School, Back to Cruel, Cruel Hand Luke, and Cruel Runnings. The latest installment in the franchise offers more of the same, the bitter mayhem skewing a bit older with George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones in the lead roles as the filmmakers hope to tap into the lucrative "deceitful 32 to 51-year-old" demographic.
Kill Bill Vol. 1
As usual, Quentin Tarantino has his cock on the pulse of the zeitgeist with his latest film, a jazzy mix of karate, technology, and Snapple commercial antics. This time around, Uma Thurman loses it while downloading the 10,000th patch for Windows XP, thanks to the discovery of a security weakness that allows hackers to use your PC to enter your womb and steal your eggs. As we all have at one time or another, she decides to kill Bill Gates and sets out on a cross-country karate rampage to bring the trillionaire nerd some street justice. Does she succeed? What are you, a gimp? The guy weighs like ninety pounds, I'm only surprised the movie was so long.
Miss Tick River
This heart-rendering drama from director Clint Eastwood is something like a cross between Deliverance and Straw Dogs, a combo like peanut butter and applesauce that nobody was asking for. Big-city smoothie Sean Penn marries a small town beauty queen from some awful redneck backwoods, only to discover that all her neighbors and most of her family like guys with a purty mouth. The plot makes a Peanuts comic strip look unpredictable, but Oscar nominations are still expected since Penn plays a character who isn't afraid to show his feminine (ass) side.
Runaway Jury
Plausibility gets smacked around like a redheaded stepchild in this Runaway Bride knock-off, which takes the crown from The Lion King as the worst film ever to show Gene Hackman's bare ass cheeks. Runaway Jury starts out amicably enough, with the story of a trial that's been dragging on for years with no explanation. Then comes the rub: Every time the moment comes for them to read the verdict, the jury gets cold feet and splits from the courthouse in a hurry, usually piling onto a trolley that pulls away right before the judges and reporters can run out into the street and wave their fists. It's a good idea, but after the third trial you get kind of tired of hearing that Beatles song again and again and start to hope the jury will run out in front of a bus.
And that's all the salami they're selling this week, gents and lady-types. Hope to see you back for more the next time our Entertainment Police truck comes "Farmer and the Dell"-ing its way through your neighborhood! |