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Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to CampaignBronze representation of ex-president given prominent position September 29, 2003 |
Los Angeles, California Whit Pistol Schwarzenegger and the lifeless bust of Ronald Reagan (right) make a campaign stop to rally voters to the recall candidate's side.
The bust, a one-foot sculpture of the B-movie actor and monkey sidekick, is apparently bronze in nature and a perfect representation of the ex-president since it no longer smiles either. The real Reagan, a senile old fart who hasn't made a public appearance in a decade, could not be reached for comment.
Schwarzenegger made the announcement at a press conference on the afternoon of Sept. 26, at a small charity dinner the press were barred from attending. Reading from his teleprompter, America's purest white m...
fter failing to impress voters with his thick accent and scripted responses in Wednesday's California Governor debate, famous Aryan Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new addition to his campaign Friday: A bust of former president and oppressor Ronald Reagan.
The bust, a one-foot sculpture of the B-movie actor and monkey sidekick, is apparently bronze in nature and a perfect representation of the ex-president since it no longer smiles either. The real Reagan, a senile old fart who hasn't made a public appearance in a decade, could not be reached for comment.
Schwarzenegger made the announcement at a press conference on the afternoon of Sept. 26, at a small charity dinner the press were barred from attending. Reading from his teleprompter, America's purest white man told cameras in a sealed room somewhere, "Ronald Reagan was good for America. Arnold Schwarzenegger is good for America. We are a team, me and the statue. I hate to be the bad guy who meets us in a dark alley."
The addition of the paperweight to the campaign followed several recent additions to the Schwarzenegger team, including Rob Lowe and, most recently, Republican Bill Simon. Schwarzenegger is likely trying to keep heat on his campaign after taking recent hits on his views on sisters and a poor showing in Wednesday's recall election candidate debate. Bringing on an image of the popular former president could tie Schwarzenegger's campaign to Reagan's success in the minds of Californians already beat into submission by endless recall election coverage.
Critics call the addition a misguided attempt to liven up a very uncreative campaign. Schwarzenegger's celebrity and deep pockets have failed to buy him much good press in his candidacy, and his numbers with female voters have failed to grow following the revelation of misogynistic statements he made in a 1970s poontang magazine. Women also failed to come around to Schwarzenegger's campaigns after he threatened to kill fellow recall candidate Ariana Huffington Wednesday night. Representatives of women voters were also not impressed when Schwarzenegger offered to make a pinup of Stephanie Seymour a consultant to his campaign.
However, in all the clamor about the importance of women in the California recall race, little attention has been paid to the black voter. the commune attempted to contact the League of African-American Voters of California only to find out there wasn't one. In fact, records indicate there are only 14 registered black voters in the state. Of those, four are rap stars, three are actors, and five are the starting lineup of the Lakers. The remaining two were other California recall candidates.
An insider in the Austrian-American's candidacy say the bust of Reagan will mostly be a figurehead in the Schwarzenegger campaign, but if it has any valid suggestions they will be taken into consideration. The advantage, he said, of having an inorganic chunk of metal occupying a role in the campaign is that, once elected, it does not have to be given a cabinet position. Schwarzenegger is not ruling out making the bust lieutenant governor, though. the commune news is a registered voter in all 50 states and some of the U.S. territories, because dammit, we care just that much. Shabozz Wertham threatened us with legal action if he wasn't invited back to cover an occasional story, and all private swim parties we hold.
 | U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status September 29, 2003 |
London, England Ansel Evans Britons discuss traffic reduction over a pint or 10,000
The study found British binge drinking had increased to 100 percent, and added that British children under 16 are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Some blame the government’s “Our kids: Tomorrow’s drunks, today!†poster campaign for this increase, while others lay the blame on all the kids getting shitfaced everywhere. The study is also thought ...
report published by Downing Street’s strategy unit found the whole of Britain utterly plastered last week, surprising government officials who thought the nation only mostly drunk. The study, originally intended to determine public opinion toward new traffic-reduction measures in downtown London, shocked researchers by revealing that the entire British populace, to a man, was too drunk to talk about traffic. The study found British binge drinking had increased to 100 percent, and added that British children under 16 are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Some blame the government’s “Our kids: Tomorrow’s drunks, today!†poster campaign for this increase, while others lay the blame on all the kids getting shitfaced everywhere. The study is also thought to have amassed a world-record assemblage of unintelligible British quotes. “Aye mum, ‘ow ‘bout a pint, ey?†asked six-year-old Roary Willis of Liverpool when confronted with the study’s findings. The numbers also show that women are drinking more, and falling out of moving cars at a record rate. Asked to comment on increased alcohol consumption among British women, housewife Mary Willis mused “Well, frans maston ralf nay, eh hay!†while filling a spillproof cup with Newcastle. The study also found increased rates of public singing of fight songs, “dunking,†as defined by throwing chickens into public fountains, and an increased enthusiasm for camping, as defined by sleeping outside. Not all Britons were pleased with the study’s findings. “We need to create a more civilized late-night culture! Dear God do we… It should be about cinema, and theater… uh, and bowling,†said British bowling director Rodden Blears, wincing remorsefully as he nursed a cup of black coffee. “Aye bawlin!†slurred nearby reveler Drew Jaehnig, grabbing his package. “Fock ryte! Boost me liney shaynt chans, ha ha! I’ll go bawlin wit me dyke inna cont’s hat! Ha ha!†The study found that Britain loses 17 million workdays every year to hangovers, fuck-offs and vomit-related drownings, the equivalent of 46,000 years spent sleeping under a table in the lobby of a strange hotel. The figure represents more than double the nation’s actual recorded workdays. These findings put Britain out to a comfortable lead as the most-drunk nation, topping perennial drunken powerhouses Sweden, Denmark and Germany, which recently became less drunk thanks to a U.N. intervention. “Hammel geinen fausteneininin…†giggled German bricklayer Hans Slomein, blowing at a feather stuck in his beard when asked about his nation’s alcohol consumption. Government officials for the other most-drunk countries can only speculate what effect these findings will have on their now runner-up nations. German and Swedish officials could not be rousted from bed for comment, but officials from Denmark asked the commune to remember last year’s U.N. General Assembly, when Danish representative Lars Faaborg-Andersen pissed himself while holding a hot dog to his crotch, when considering Denmark’s drunken staying power. the commune news has long cherished our status as the world’s most-drunk news source, and we vow to keep both our standards and reporters high for the foreseeable future. Ivan Nacutchacokov had to sober up to file this story, which caused a near-disaster since only then did he realize he was driving on the left-hand side of the street.
| Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 September 29, 2003 Dueling BanditsNo one wanted it to come to this. Sure, if you checked with Arvelyn, or my other ex-wife, several of my children, or anybody on the commune staff, a number of them may have wanted it to come to this. But no one I like wanted it to come to this: A duel to the death.
I have besmirched the name of Boguslaw Sadowski, and it's no small feat to besmirch his name, given he's a dirty red con-man, heartless thug, and general bad cookie. But the time for words has passed, at least until we resume the slander trial. I for one won't wait that long. The duel is ten days from now. One of us will be dead by the time that trial rolls around, making it a lot easier case for the other guy. Though the survivor will get stuck with court costs, that's no free lunch.
The besmirching ...
º Last Column: The Return of Boguslaw Sadowski
º more columns
No one wanted it to come to this. Sure, if you checked with Arvelyn, or my other ex-wife, several of my children, or anybody on the commune staff, a number of them may have wanted it to come to this. But no one I like wanted it to come to this: A duel to the death.
I have besmirched the name of Boguslaw Sadowski, and it's no small feat to besmirch his name, given he's a dirty red con-man, heartless thug, and general bad cookie. But the time for words has passed, at least until we resume the slander trial. I for one won't wait that long. The duel is ten days from now. One of us will be dead by the time that trial rolls around, making it a lot easier case for the other guy. Though the survivor will get stuck with court costs, that's no free lunch.
The besmirching in question began two days ago, when I came home to find Boguslaw Sadowski in my home, talking to my wife in that unintelligible Russian blather they both know. Mob boss and Sting-lookalike Yogi explained to me Boguslaw would be moving in for the next few forevers, or until he could find his own place. Well, something snapped in me, good people, probably a couple of lower vertebrae, and I lost another inch in height. That I'm used to, but being made a fool of in my own home, and being completely aware of it, that's something I'm not. As if to make things worse, I noticed Boguslaw, talking to Felchyana still, make the international hand symbol for asshole, which I won't share with you decent folk here.
That was it, I was incensed. I grabbed the nearest thing I could and threw it at the mad Russian, a bucket of confetti I keep on hand for emergency purposes. At first Boguslaw was delighted, then he realized the intended insult and was driven into a mad rage. He threatened to cut off the fingers of all my living children in response, which I laughed off—if he's got that sort of time, good luck to him, right? Then he decided it was more effective to pick me up by the ankles and hang me out my own window.
Well, I've been hung out windows by better than he and didn't bat an eye, but the insult of doing it to me in my own house, in front of my non-English-speaking wife, and revealing my unsightly ankles to the whole world. Boguslaw Sadowski made an enemy for life that day, good people, and the difference now is I told him to his face. I slapped him with a glove I keep for duel challenges, and it left quite a welt, being a rubber surgical glove. I then pulled it taut and snapped it in his face, and his eye has been bandaged ever since—hopefully that will effect his aim quite a bit. Since we are dueling in ten days, as I aforementioned.
You all know I am not afraid of death, when it is happening to someone else. In this case, though it comes for me, I will stand proud against it. Boguslaw Sadowski may fire an endless barrage of bullets in my direction, though technically that will be against all the rules of the duel, and I will not falter. If he tries to kill Felchyana and Camembert and Lee, I will not weaken. If he kills my ex-wife Arvelyn I may even send him a nice thank-you note and an FTD bouquet. But whatever happens, no matter how logic argues with me, I will not back down from this challenge.
For I have been insulted with an obscene hand gesture by a man who barely speaks the language, good people. And some things defy common sense. Rok Finger are one of those things. º Last Column: The Return of Boguslaw Sadowskiº more columns | 
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Milestones1921: Underground rumor begins that Lil Duncan, to be born in 50 years, will like the kinky stuff.Now HiringDeaf Mute. Duties include standing around, accepting blame for assorted office mishaps, and listening to Ramrod Hurley's stories about the one time he went fishing. Antidepressant prescription a plus.Most Popular US Flag-themed Paraphernalia| 1. | Child-Sized Thong Bikini Bottoms | | 2. | Ol' Glory Toilet Brush | | 3. | Rastafarian Hat | | 4. | Browning Zenophobe 12 Guage Shotgun | | 5. | Stars 'n Stripes Edition Volvo | |
|   Hamas Leader Demands One True Ring BY newman kaputnick 9/29/2003 So Cold BloodedVirgil Knotts was born at thirteen years old in Orange Valley, Montana. Being born so old, he was noticeably bigger than the other boys, and always felt like an outcast. Friends and classmates would describe Knotts as a ìquiet boy, a loner who kept to himself a lot.î Knotts would then sneak up on the classmates and kick the crap out of them for talking about him.
Knottsà predilection for sudden, unyielding violence and his fondness for comic books made him a natural companion for Ornery Wilpott. Wilpott was the son of a military family, a battalion of 24 men who mistakenly adopted the child when they accidentally filled out the wrong papers to return a gift. Wilpott moved around quite a bit growing up and never made many friends until reaching Orange Valley. Knotts an...
Virgil Knotts was born at thirteen years old in Orange Valley, Montana. Being born so old, he was noticeably bigger than the other boys, and always felt like an outcast. Friends and classmates would describe Knotts as a ìquiet boy, a loner who kept to himself a lot.î Knotts would then sneak up on the classmates and kick the crap out of them for talking about him.
Knottsà predilection for sudden, unyielding violence and his fondness for comic books made him a natural companion for Ornery Wilpott. Wilpott was the son of a military family, a battalion of 24 men who mistakenly adopted the child when they accidentally filled out the wrong papers to return a gift. Wilpott moved around quite a bit growing up and never made many friends until reaching Orange Valley. Knotts and Wilpott formed an immediate bond when they unintentionally tied their shoelaces together and couldnÃt get them apart again. The boys found they shared a love for murder, and German coffee cake. It was in those formative years their partnership formed.
Their first victim was Mary Ann ìCarrot-Topî Cooper, a striking brunette cashier at a local burlesque house. Cooper had stayed late on June 5, 1963, taking inventory on the tassles, and was abducted from the parking lot out back by Knotts and Wilpott. The two men reportedly tortured her for hours, then murdered the young girl, then tortured her for another two hours. Her body was dumped in a nearby quarry, then recovered by Knotts and tortured for another thirty-five minutes before being thrown into a dumpster behind a deli. Cooper was only their first victim.
The next victims of Knotts and Wilpott were Candy and Sandy Melton, two Siamese twins who had recently been separated. Though the two girls werenÃt murdered, they were tied up, tortured, and verbally abused for hours on end, and neither quite recovered. Wilpott then reattached the two girls, putting each on the opposite side they had originally been on. ìHe just wanted to see if he could do it,î Sandy later told police through a flood of tears.
Their next victim was not so lucky. Florence Lobidia, a secretary, mother of two, and local prizefighter, was taken from behind the bank during a brief solar eclipse. Lobidia was tied to a bed and tortured by the two killers for hours. Then, on a lark, Wilpott was tied to the bed and tortured by Knotts and Lobidia for hours. The 34-year-old woman was beaten and killed in an escape attempt, when Wilpott managed to untie himself and tried to make a getaway. Her body was dumped into the river and fined by a local park ranger.
By now the federal authorities began to notice. The FBI lent assistance to local law enforcement, and together they formed a coalition to name the two murderers. Despite support within the group, the name ìthe Orange Valley Pricksî never caught on with the press, who preferred to dub Knotts and Wilpott, ìthe Ott Couple.î
According to Pete Fredrickson, a nosey shit who involved himself in the investigation early on, everyone knew after Mary Ann CooperÃs disappearance who was responsible.
ìThey werenÃt right, those two,î said Fredrickson, then turning quickly to make sure Knotts wasnÃt waiting to pound him. ìEveryone knew it. You could see those two coming and knew theyÃd be trouble. So when somebody said Mary Ann Cooper turned up dead, you just knew it was them who done it. And then the police say why didnÃt you tell us sooner then, Mr. Know-it-All? And you just get real quiet. Real quiet.î   |
