Father of H-bomb Dead at 95

oted American physicist Edward Teller, known as the “father of the H-bomb� and the “swearingest man alive,� died Tuesday of acute pulmonary pneumonia. He was 95 fucking years old.

“That guy said ‘Hell’ more than any man alive,� remembered son Arthur Teller. “And we’ll miss him.�

Outspoken and influential in matters of national defense, Teller enjoyed a long career in pushing for bigger and badder ways to blow the United States’ enemies into a mist of lukewarm spittle. In 1939, Teller encouraged Albert Einstein to inform President Roosevelt of the “awesome fucking power� of nuclear fission. Teller thought the splitting of an atom’s nucleus could be tapped to create a weapon that would “make our dickless enemies wish they’d been born dead.�

Soon after the atom bomb was envisioned, it became clear that nuclear fusion, not fission, was a quicker path to realizing Teller’s vision of a “real fucking ass-wiping, holy shit tit-ripping weapon of ball-waxing mass destruction.� Teller quickly took to the idea.

“Yeah… fuck yeah! We’ll blow their asses out through their teeth, the commie fuckers!� Teller enthused.

Teller’s enthusiasm and foul-mouthed pursuit of such a bomb – he called it the “Motherfucker� – won him the title “father of the H-bomb,� a term he thought was “fucking stupid.� The first one-megaton hydrogen bomb was exploded in 1952, blowing the living shit out of a stretch of desert in northern Nevada.

“Gotcha, cocksuckers!� Teller was heard to scream in a westerly direction when reached with word of the successful test.

According to family sources, Teller died in Stanford, California last Tuesday, in a “shitty little room� that “smelled like horse piss,� tended by “frigid dyke nurses� intent on stealing his “goddamned meds� and devouring his “motherloving soul.�

“Hell’s bells, I don’t know what the hell they were thinking when they invaded that fuckin’ hellhole,� were Teller’s last words, dropping his trademark H-bomb several times in reference to the Vietnam War. “We’re gonna kick the runny shit out of those brown bastards like it was a fuckin’ sport, Jack.�

Teller’s dark worldview was thought by some to be caused by his experiences with the communist revolution in his native Hungary in 1919, in concert with the rise of Nazism in his adopted home of Germany in the 1930’s.

“Nazis? Fuckin’ pricks,� Teller once said of the Nazis, fucking pricks. Biographers have marveled at Teller’s apparent knack for living through the shitty side of history, though many who knew him argue that he would have turned out the same either way.

In one of his last recorded interviews in 2001, Teller seemed to lend support to President George W. Bush’s plans to once again pursue the “Star Wars� Strategic Defense Initiative, an improbable missile defense system of space-based lasers, when he responded to the reporter’s question with an affirmative “Goddamn!� But those close to Teller stress that this was also the same way the late scientist answered the phone, so that conclusion might have been premature.

n Al-Qaeda video airing on Al-Jazeera Wednesday not only failed to impress virtually everyone, it also failed to thank President George W. Bush for all his subversive efforts to help rebuild the terrorist organization.

The tape, slammed by critics as a "greatest hits collection of the usual dreck," featured an undated cameo by terrorist favorite Osama bin Laden and a lot of voicing over by Al-Qaeda's number two shit Ayman al-Zawahri. The video exhibited a friendlier sort of Al-Qaeda, with no direct threats to the U.S. "infidels" but promising that current battles were only the beginning and "the true epic has not begun," proving to all that the tape was at least recent enough to cop from the new Matrix sequel.

The only footage of Osama bin Laden showed the Al-Qaeda figurehead appearing older, but could not be pegged for a date. The world's number one prick was shown frolicking around with henchman al-Zawahri along the mountainside like a homosexual Captain and Tennille.

Though reference was made to the Iraq war, it may have been to one of several Iraq wars in which "agents of America" invaded the country. Neither was thanks given to American president George Bush for raising Al-Qaeda popularity to unimagined heights in Iraq by bombing that country into a primitive agricultural state. The death of thousands of Iraqis and the devastation of the country's infrastructure have done more to raise recruitment for the terrorist group than any post- or pre-Sept. 11 attacks.

Some, like this reporter, would suggest that Al-Qaeda and the Bush presidency have been mutually beneficial to each other, especially given the intention by bin Laden to invoke a harsh U.S. response to help the Arab world rally behind him. But the increasing power of terrorism hasn't just been beneficial to bin Laden and associates, but also to the administration, which still rates high approval numbers when it comes to defense and being tough on terrorism.

When questioned on the veracity of the recent bin Laden video, the president asked for a definition of veracity. Then, gesturing toward the footage of bin Laden and al-Zawahri, Bush stated, "The beard looks real to me."

"Having released tons of audio recordings in the years since 2001, Osama bin Laden risks market saturation," said VH-1 video producer Deanne Holcomb, who was contacted in an effort to fill out the story. "That may have been a consideration in only appearing as a cameo in this recent release by al-Zawahri. Personally, I would have gone in another direction, maybe Missy Elliot, but bin Laden is really popular with the Al-Jazeera demographics. Beyoncé maybe. Beyoncé is huge right now. But as I was saying, having such a small part for bin Laden does raise questions about the Al-Qaeda leader, such as if he's out of practice, or gotten fat. He could be dead, I suppose, there were a lot of bombs dropped in attempts to kill him. Kid Rock! Now that might have really sold it."

President Bush fired back in a speech to the ten American people watching the Sept. 7 televised address. Though failing to mention the weapons of mass destruction supposedly hoarded by Saddam Hussein or a projected date for troops to return from Iraq, the president did assure everyone that terrorism was still alive and thriving and nobody can let their guard down for ten seconds. And by the way, they need $87 billion more dollars, if you can spare it.

Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law.

Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law.

Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on street making robot money. Boris doesn't not have mattress of own for to put valuable things underneath, so must be sneaky to use Louis mattress when no persons is looking. Don't worry, is normal thing to do on TV and movies. Over times Boris has many valuable things hidden under mattress, like pretty soaps and collection of nickels in piglet bank. Louis doesn't not know even of this thing, is so secret. But him does complain back is hurting from sleep lousy so maybe Louis back does know this secret.

OK, so Boris wants to get under mattress to look at valuable things, is right? Well, lesson one is even if Boris wants to climb under mattress to be secret when looking at things, is so hot in there not a good idea. Better to move mattress instead. So Boris is moving mattress with little paper handle for grabbing, you know thing. But handle is shit and come off like no good. Then Boris looks at thing and is printed note saying "Boris, you are not to tear off this thing or the police will shoot you so many times." This is scary warning for Boris to go to jail for so long like funny persons on COPS show because he is so bad to rip off tag thing.

"Oh crap," thinks Boris. "This is bad kind of shit." Is true. Boris can imagine hearing funny COPS song out window, but is not so funny when Boris is one crawling under fence while police dogs bite on his fanny. This ruins joke of song.

Boris does turn out all lights and hide behind stove like no one is home. If police persons come with Boris-sniffing dogs, they will not find Boris because they are smelling food smells from stove. Is so easy to fool dogs this way, because they are not tall enough to see what is behind stove.

After while stove hiding place does get uncomfortable, and there is bugs who lives back there and does not like Boris at all. So Boris does move and hides in closet behind vacuum machine, where carpet is soft on Boris fanny.

But after while this does get dark and boring, so Boris move to hide behind couch, where there is magazines to look at and laugh. This is more fun way to hide. After more while Boris is hiding on couch because gameshow is on, but Boris is ready to run behind stove or some place if police does come.

Later Boris does forget he is hiding and goes out to get sandwich.

But next day, memory does come back of mattress crime and then all day Boris is haunted by COPS song in head. "Bad Boris, Bad Boris, what shoes come unglued? Wash your gum in stew when they comfort you!" Is so strange, this song. Boris wish to call head-radio with request for different song, like "Common Eileen." That is fun song does not make Boris so scared.

After some thinking time in stove hiding place, Boris does figure out the smart idea. Police persons can't not shoot Boris so many times if there is no thing of proof, no thing they call elephants. So Boris must hide this thing using brain. And this is what Boris does, putting tag handle back on mattress with special duck tape. Is special tape for when duck does fall apart, one strange thing Louis does have just in case of this happening.

Now Boris is thinking is pretty safe. Police persons does not spend so much time in Louis bedroom to find tag thing is taped like duck. Boris does still run when hearing COPS song, but this is "just in case" smart running.

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