M-TV Accidentally Honors 9/11 Hijackers

he 20th Annual M-TV Video Music Awards, held last Thursday night at New York’s Radio City Music Hall, served up its usual yearly helping of toned abs, wild costumes and music playing somewhere in the background, as expected. But viewers and M-TV executives alike were also treated to a surprise that few could have anticipated.

The show’s highlights were many and varied, including Madonna swapping STDs with Britney and Christina, rapper 50 Cent being shot 15 times during the ceremony but still returning for his musical performance, and Johnny Cash pulling a no-show, doing little to dispel most viewers’ assumptions that he died ten years ago. Host Chris Rock kept the show moving along at a rapid clip, and kept it funny by refusing to pretend that any of the nominated acts were any more than marginally talented.

In fact, the show took on such a party atmosphere that few even noticed when a diminutive Arab man named Sheik Omar Bakri accepted the award for Best New Artist for his album “Magnificent 19,� peppering the crowd with epithets during his acceptance speech in an accent so thick it could’ve shrouded an iceberg from an ocean liner. Many assumed Bakri was simply rapper Eminem’s newest protégé, failing to recognize him as the head of the radical Islamic group Al-Muhajiroun.

“That Sheik Omar was ate up,� gushed Smurf-like crooner Justin Timberlake. “Boy was so drunk he was talkin’ in tongues and shit. I can see why his fans is mad for him, that was righteous.�

In actuality, Sheik Bakri’s speech was the culmination of several months of planning by Al-Muhajiroun, whose members had infiltrated M-TV as interns and were able to slip Bakri’s non-existent album in as the Best New Artist winner in a tribute to the 19 hijackers who died on September 11th.

“The word magnificent is to attract if you like really the attention of the people to those particular 19 Muslims who in our eyes we see as Muslims what really they are — they are more than magnificent,� Sheik Bakri said, sort of in English. “In our eyes, they are the people who sacrifice their own life and that’s the most valuable thing and they offer it. It must be for a good reason. It must be for divine reason.�

Bakri may have misinterpreted the Video Music Awards crowd’s reaction to his remarks during the show, saying “the many Muslims present celebrated the comeuppance of the U.S.A.,� when in fact the crowd was cheering because Britney Spears’ cooch was momentarily visible on the big screen.

Bakri also considers his Best New Artist win to be sanctioned by God, explaining “If God did not permit that to happen, it would never happen,� and has thus far refused to return his moon-man statuette. Sheik Omar did, however, express regret that there was no Best Cover Art category, which could have honored the bizarre “Magnificent 19� album cover he had mocked up at great personal expense.

Network executives at M-TV seem alarmingly unphased by the incident, claiming that most of its viewers are too young to remember the September 11th terrorist attacks.

.S. District Judge Myron Thompson shocked the nation Friday, ruling that the entire South was in violation of the U.S. Constitution’s principle of separation of church and state, and ordering that all nine Southern states be removed from the Union immediately. Thompson, who incited national controversy the previous week when he ordered the removal of a 2.6-ton granite Ten Commandments monument from Alabama's state judicial building, defended his unprecedented action as merely a logical extension of federal law, dictated by the U.S. Constitution.

“South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee have for years stood in clear violation of the separation of religion and government, a basic concept upon which America was founded. From the highest levels of state government down to local law enforcement, Christianity has not only been favored, but has virtually stood as the law of the land for generations,� said Thompson, explaining his ruling. As of press time, it was unclear whether all Southern residents would be required to leave the country, or if the U.S. would cut its chigger-infested losses and draw up new borders.

With the nine Southern states understandably resistant to the order, Thompson has threatened each state with a $5 billion fine per day until they comply with the order and presumably pack up their shit. While the fines are expected to wipe out most Southern states in the first fifteen minutes, Arkansas has already defiantly suggested that it will pay the fine, just as soon as its luck evens out on the pull-tabs.

“This ruling is an outrage!� shouted Alabama Gov. Bob Riley, to no one in particular. “The South has just as much right to be in this country as all those uppity pagan states that follow the Constitution. Besides, where are we supposed to go? Mexico? Those bean-burners is all godless Catholics, ain’t they?�

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who came to local fame and prominence as the “Ten Commandments Judge� after refusing to remove a huge view-obstructing Ten Commandments bumpersticker from the windshield of his car, is credited with having sparked this series of events when he installed the offending monument in his courthouse. Moore took a break from selling homemade “I’m with Stupid & the Ten Commandments� t-shirts at local rock shows to organize several Constitution-burnings throughout the South this week.

“Yeah, this is a violation of our right to free speech, or something,� claimed a befuddled Moore. “Wait, can we go back to the Ten Commandments thing? I’m still pissed about that. This country’s laws were based on those Commandments! Mostly. And now we’ve got to hide ‘em in some back toilet? Sickening! No one can hide from that truth. ‘Thou shalt not kill?’ We got that law, don’t we? ‘Thou shalt not steal?’ Got that one too. ‘Thou shalt not…uh… fornicate… with… thy neighbor’s… uh, something…’ Anyway, you know where I’m going with this! Sickening!�

“And what about Kentucky, what’d they ever do that was so Constitutional?� questioned Gov. Riley when he realized the microphone was still on. “I always ‘spected they weren’t as God-fearing as the rest of us, and this just proves it. Well I hope you can have fun in your nice fancy country, Kentucky, when you’re burning in hell! Ha! Gotta admit I gotcha there.�

Despite an overabundance of spunk, legal experts agree that the Southern states are still likely to be evicted.

“Well, I guess on the bright side this means we can put our monument back,� mused Moore, looking around for a dolly.

Hello persons. Is so hot.

Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot.

In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster. So sad.

Is so hot Boris stick to couch like person with Velcro ass. So embarrassing when Louis run in to see why all the screaming and is just Boris tries to get off couch to go in bathroom.

Boris say for Louis please to get the goddamn airconditioner so is not apartment of hot death, but Louis doesn't not care. Robots has no thing to tell them is hot and them is going to die. No little voice thing like Boris have which say "Boris, is so hot you are not happy, time to make underwear of ice cube trays." But even Louis take away these happy cold pants because Boris is assing up all ice cubes and dripping wet on couch.

Only person more hot than Boris is Similar to Skippy dog, who is not robot and also is hot from wearing fur hat all the times. Louis try to take away hat but Similar to Skippy will never take it off no times. Dog does love this hat, strange thing. Louis say he is to make goddamn fur hat out of stupid dog, and Boris think he is meaning Similar to Skippy. Funny to think of hat made of dog wearing fur hat, like Jack-in-My-Box who is holding little tiny Jack-in-My-Box. Is crazy puzzle thing like questions for thinking.

Boris like these question things, like "What is sound of tree in woods?" Boris does not know! Is so funny. Boris does listen to trees but they are not making loud sound like motorcycle or talking. Crazy thing to think of.

Other question is like "Who is clapping Boris hand?" This is other thing Boris does not know. When Boris is happy at thing and clapping, there is hand hitting Boris hand, but where is this hand come from? Oh, look quick! Is Boris hand! But what hand is this Boris hand does hit? Watch, is also Boris hand! But now which is first hand? Is so impossible to watch both hands all the time, cannot say where other hand coming from. Crazy thing to keep Boris up at night.

Boris say no way to sleeping when is so hot. Little Boris room with hanging up coats get so sweaty and smell like malted balls all the time, no good. Boris think to put swimming pool in room, but Louis say is no space for such thing because Louis shoes all go in water with Boris. Is not so bad, says Boris. And shoes are clean! But Louis does not think shoes are clean and Boris must say goodbye to Spongebob bedroom pool thing. So sad, goodbye Spongebob.

But no crying for Boris, for is answer to sleeping problem at mall. Boris find out there is little Boris rooms in that place where some persons does try on clothes, and is perfect place for sleeping when is hot. Boris is like wild animal who does find good things wandering around place, so smart. Hooray for smart!

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