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Gore Wouldn't Run Again For a Million, Trillion Dollars August 18, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Alton Onus Presidential non-candidate Al Gore demonstrates how he’d rather be kicked in the balls than run again
“I wouldn’t run for president again for a million, trillion dollars,” Gore told reporters last December. “Nor for all the tea in China.”
”Not even for true love?” a reporter questioned.
“No,” answered Gore. “Not even for that.”
However, Gore did concede later that if this reporter was holding a gun to the head of an innocent newborn baby, he might consider it. Though...
he anemic field of Democratic candidates, described by political pundits as “what the A-team would be like if it was really gay,” has inspired many Democrats to push for another Al Gore candidacy in 2004. Perhaps not grasping the ramifications of four more years with Boy George at the helm, thus far the former vice-president has steadfastly refused. “I wouldn’t run for president again for a million, trillion dollars,” Gore told reporters last December. “Nor for all the tea in China.” ”Not even for true love?” a reporter questioned. “No,” answered Gore. “Not even for that.” However, Gore did concede later that if this reporter was holding a gun to the head of an innocent newborn baby, he might consider it. Though he did seem a little weirded out by the question. Recent polls in New Hampshire show that if Gore were to enter the race for the Democratic Party nomination, he would immediately become the front-runner in that state. These polls showed that the same also holds true for Hillary Rodham Clinton, George Clinton, and Kool-Aid Man, the gigantic pitcher of powdered beverage famous for busting through walls and responding in the affirmative. Various Democratic candidates have denounced the poll as mean, but true. Speaking with the commune this week, Gore’s position on his potential candidacy remained unchanged. “Would you, could you, if it rained?” this reporter asked the non-candidate. “I would not, could not if it rained,” responded Gore. “Nor if my brain had gone insane. I meant what I said and I said what I meant: I will not run for president! Now leave me be!” Other scenarios that would fail to entice Gore to run include learning the secrets behind various Carly Simon songs, a blimp full of naked cheerleaders landing in his backyard, or having a southern state renamed Goregia. Several political commentators have suggested that Gore would prefer to go down in history as the man who was denied the presidency by an antiquated electoral system and corrupt election officials in Florida, rather than risk losing a second election to a man who has been amply exposed as one of the less-memorable bit characters on Dukes of Hazzard. Those who know Gore dismiss this idea as absurd, though they could totally see Bush giving the Duke boys the what-for. Gore supporters suggest instead that the former vice-president simply doesn’t wish to subject the public to a Gore v. Bush rematch, or spend the next year of his life debating with a man who moves his lips when he reads. the commune news has conducted an in-office poll which shows Pamela Anderson as the most appealing Democratic candidate, though other media organizations have been slow to pick up on this story. Lil Duncan considered running for office when she heard the other candidates were accused of back-room deals, but this turned out to be something different than what she’d imagined.
 | Legislators Mull National "Do Not Rape" List August 18, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon Defendant Kobe Bryant appears in court with his lawyer, who just finished a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats
Inspired by the sensationalized rape charges brought against NBA superstar Kobe Bryant by an unnamed Colorado woman, the registry would provide a way for U.S. women to proactively opt-out of unwanted sexual encounters with any of the growing legion of clueless sexual predators populating America’s bars and dark alleys.
The proposed list would mirror the recently created “Do Not Call” registry and the impending “Do Not Spam” list, and would mandate that all men intending to have rough sex with strange...
.S. lawmakers, called on to help clear the murky waters of consent in sexual situations between adults, responded today with a plan to create the national “Do Not Rape” registry, a centralized list of American women who are officially not asking for it. Inspired by the sensationalized rape charges brought against NBA superstar Kobe Bryant by an unnamed Colorado woman, the registry would provide a way for U.S. women to proactively opt-out of unwanted sexual encounters with any of the growing legion of clueless sexual predators populating America’s bars and dark alleys. The proposed list would mirror the recently created “Do Not Call” registry and the impending “Do Not Spam” list, and would mandate that all men intending to have rough sex with strangers would be required to check the list of names every three months or risk up to a $1,500 fine, jail time, or neither. “If a woman says no, but only fights you off half-heartedly, that’s the most encouragement many of these guys will ever receive,” explained defense attorney Richard Spackle. “It can be very confusing.” “Like what if she’s saying ‘No, no, no!’ but the guy’s Hawaiian or something and his name is Nono? That could happen. You gonna send Nono to jail just because he thought she was cheering him on? That’s discrimination, plain and simple.” Legal experts and sports fans applaud the proposal, hailing the list as a step forward into an enlightened new age when the public will no longer have to guess which of the two people involved in a rape trial is the total piece of shit. “This legislation could bring relief to many who desperately need it,” commented legal expert and student taxidermist Rutherford Wank. “Women who speak up with allegations of rape will be spared the muckraking and character assassination all too common in the modern rape trial. And even more importantly, American males will be free to fuck crazy bitches again.” Other proposed lists reportedly being discussed in Washington include a national “Do Not Kick My Dog” registry, a “Do Not Masturbate to My Image” registry, and the controversial “Do Not Exploit My Unskilled Labor” registry, which has already drawn harsh criticism from several U.S. corporations. As of press time, no exploitive, dog-kicking masturbators could be reached for comment. the commune news has always been a firm believer in the concept that “No” means “No.” Unless you’re in Russia, where we’ve heard “No” means “Pancake.” Ramon Nootles is loath to discuss his own rape trial, other than to mutter “she was black as night and the size of an panda bear” in a quivering, terrified voice from time to time.
| Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 August 18, 2003 CyantologyScience has a whole mess of marvels packed in its little matchbox o' marvels, sure enough. One of them is 'lectricity. The other is aerobics. Okay, you caught Ned in a fib, there is more. Like cantaloupe and nuclear nachos. How they get that cheese so orange? Ned thinks science must melt down Nerf balls in them cheese factories, right as rain. Musta been some Nerfless childrens crying that night.
But for certain the squirmiest of all marvels is them bugs.
Bugs is a wide variety of critters who come from the bugle kingdom. Lots of 'em there are, twelve varieties. These is the flying bugs, the crawling bugs, the hopping bugs, them dancing bugs, and the other eight varieties that move in ways unnamed by science.
Bugs has done some amazing things, like eat Hitl...
º Last Column: A Piper Bill for Quebec
º more columns
Science has a whole mess of marvels packed in its little matchbox o' marvels, sure enough. One of them is 'lectricity. The other is aerobics. Okay, you caught Ned in a fib, there is more. Like cantaloupe and nuclear nachos. How they get that cheese so orange? Ned thinks science must melt down Nerf balls in them cheese factories, right as rain. Musta been some Nerfless childrens crying that night. But for certain the squirmiest of all marvels is them bugs. Bugs is a wide variety of critters who come from the bugle kingdom. Lots of 'em there are, twelve varieties. These is the flying bugs, the crawling bugs, the hopping bugs, them dancing bugs, and the other eight varieties that move in ways unnamed by science. Bugs has done some amazing things, like eat Hitler's mustache right off his face in the Bible. True story what was in them trailers for the Bible but got left out the book. Shame too, being Neddle's favorite part after the bit where Jesus turns on the fire hydrant for them kids to play in on that hot day. Nobody said that Jesus weren't a stand up guy. 'cepting maybe them Romans what gave him the axe and all. Pissed-off June bugs is the best untapped source of energy unknowns to man. Enough of them tied with strings could drag a train car from here to the bottom of the Potomac and back, no sweat. Because bugs don't sweat, it's not polite. And bugs is nothing if not polite, though they do turn a blind batch of eyes toward barfin up on food, Ned's noticed. Weevils wobble but they don't fall down. Strange but true. That is, unless you smash one with a phone book, and you count smearing on upholstery as "falling down." Then I suppose they do. Gnats never fall down, because they're just imaginary. Like little insane periods floatin' about. You can wave, but they ain't goin' nowheres. Stickin' around like the little beach midgets in your brain, just waitin' to pounce. Damnit gnats. Only thing a gnat is good for is collectin' a bunch in a jar and use it to make that Tang, which is imaginary beverage named for spelling "gnat" backwards. It's just a drink same as tap water, but you imagine it being all orange and sweet just the same. Them astronauts had to get good at drinkin' Tang before they was ready to go up in imaginary space and pretend to have adventures. But probably the most useful of all them twelve bugs is the fly, which is made into zippers for pants through a process called Martianization. Beats Ned how that all works, but thanks to Betsy there is somethin' other than scotch tape holding them pants up. Ned doesn't see that working for too long. º Last Column: A Piper Bill for Quebecº more columns | 
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Milestones1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.Now HiringYou. Seeking dedicated, hard-working you of moderate intelligence to engage in commune reading, web-surfing, and other you-centered activities. Payment and benefits to be based on experience.Who Let the Dogs Out?| 1. | Mom | | 2. | Dog Catcher Trainee | | 3. | Scrubs | | 4. | Possibly Me, Though I'm Not Admitting to It | | 5. | PETA | |
|   Patriot Act Defended as Crucial in Apprehending Non-Whites BY orson welch 8/18/2003 Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched into a lost two-week period, with no signs of slowing down. the commune recently hired me away from my regular freelance gig, posting film critiques at Amazon.com and IMDB, as well as less-trafficked hotbeds of film discussion such as Epinions.com and the American Cancer Association website. Unlike certain commune film reviewers who will remain unnamed, I have actually seen all of this week's movies, and will do everything within my power to review them in an informed, balanced, and fair manner.
You may wonder why I'm typing thi...
Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched into a lost two-week period, with no signs of slowing down. the commune recently hired me away from my regular freelance gig, posting film critiques at Amazon.com and IMDB, as well as less-trafficked hotbeds of film discussion such as Epinions.com and the American Cancer Association website. Unlike certain commune film reviewers who will remain unnamed, I have actually seen all of this week's movies, and will do everything within my power to review them in an informed, balanced, and fair manner.
You may wonder why I'm typing this to you from the beige comfort of my suburban home, rather than a more official locale such as the commune's home offices. Fair enough. Well, for starters, I did visit the commune offices last week and it was a scene that would best be described as the Muppet show on acid. I can't imagine getting any serious work done there. Additionally, my mom's car is in the shop this week and I shant ride the bus again. So let's dispatch with the formalities, roll up our sleeves and get dirty with this week's new releases.
In Theaters
American Splendor
A steaming turd baked at 375 degrees for exactly an hour and forty-one minutes. AS tells the story of Cleveland Hospital file clerk Harvey Pekar, who shouldn't have quit his day job, and didn't, so he scores some points there. But we really need to come up with some clever pithy way of telling someone to quit their non-paying underground comics job. I liked the film for a while because it reminded me of the similarly themed Crumb, but was seriously disappointed when Pekar forgot to kill himself at the end. Paul Giamatti stinks up the screen as usual.
Freddy vs. Jason
The scariest thing about this movie is that at some point somebody was excited about the idea. Narrowing down who exactly that was can be tough, however, so you don't know where to send the laxative fruitcake. This cornucrapia had more writers than The New Yorker, and is almost as insipid. You can't really blame the director, since it's nearly impossible to take a picture of a pig's ass and make it look like a Gucci handbag. The success or bung-rattling failure of this picture will most likely determine the fate of the potentially upcoming film Alien vs. Predator, and could open the door for other such mind-expanding premises as Terminator vs. the Matrix, Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings and Legally Blonde vs. Clueless. Personally, I'm waiting for Hollywood vs. America, the film that finally answers the question of which side has more animosity for the other.
Grind
Skateboarding may not be a crime, but skateboarding movies come pretty darn close in my book. Leave it to a bunch of undersexed boardmonkeys to make a movie so bad it actually degrades the name of a long-since-cancelled MTV dance show. I'm giving all you guys detention.
Open Range
Kevin Costner should just get over it and have sex with a horse; I hear it's not even that expensive if you go down to Mexico and hire a guide who knows where the sexy horses live.
Shaolin Soccer
A riveting blend of soccer and kung fu that begs the question: Who bothered to breastfeed these sorry bastards?
Uptown Girls
Brittany Murphy proves she's the greatest thing to come along since the last can't-act flash in the pan to drop a cow pie on America's living room floor in this latest waste of California's precious electricity. I'd recap the plot but trust me, you can't afford to get any dumber.
And that's a wrap, readers far and near. Hope you all enjoyed the education. We'll be back again with more in two weeks, unless that godforsaken Internet worm blows another poop-hole out the back of my computer system between now and then. Cross your fingers.   |
