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Invading your privacy vital to national security August 4, 2003 |
A non-threatening white man is waved through security after a visual "once-over" inspection nswering lawsuits filed by the ACLU and American Arab groups, the Justice Department touted the U.S.A. Patriot Act as the most effective tool against non-whites the government has ever had, at least since the outlaw of Jim Crow laws. The Patriot Act, named so in a misguided attempt to gain public sympathy through outlandish propaganda terms, was passed in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and allows the government easier access to wiretaps, monitors of suspicious individuals, and anything they damn well think is important.
Groups challenging the Patriot Act claim it gives the government too much unquestioned access to the privacy of Americans without the need to substantiate charges. Defenders of the group were too busy accessing the purchase records, credit reports,...
nswering lawsuits filed by the ACLU and American Arab groups, the Justice Department touted the U.S.A. Patriot Act as the most effective tool against non-whites the government has ever had, at least since the outlaw of Jim Crow laws. The Patriot Act, named so in a misguided attempt to gain public sympathy through outlandish propaganda terms, was passed in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and allows the government easier access to wiretaps, monitors of suspicious individuals, and anything they damn well think is important.
Groups challenging the Patriot Act claim it gives the government too much unquestioned access to the privacy of Americans without the need to substantiate charges. Defenders of the group were too busy accessing the purchase records, credit reports, and group affiliations of the challengers to bother responding.
"Helping the government fight terrorism is one thing, the tactics endorsed by the Patriot Act are entirely another," said ACLU attorney Kim Wilde. "Let's suppose I'm a terrorist, living on American soil and taking flight lessons vital to my group's jihad. I buy one paperback of The Catcher in the Rye and all of a sudden the FBI is jumping all up my ass thinking I'm going to try to kill a Beatle or something. It's entirely without reason."
Arabic groups likewise expressed dismay.
"It's outrageous, even more than outrageous," insisted Arabic Anti-Defamation League spokesperson Bindari Al-Abib. "The Asians have had All-American Girl and The Joy Luck Club. The Indians have Bend it Like Beckham now. When will Arabs at last get their own sitcom? Just hear me out now. My idea is a single dad, a radiologist, named Amir. He works in a hospital, but a really funny hospital, and has an Arabic love interest who is also a radiologist. He's also a single dad, with two wise-cracking kids."
Opponents of the sitcom say the workplace and family comedy is long dead, and a hospital is a depressing place for people to work. While defenders of the Patriot Act express the necessity for the government to be given leeway in times of difficulty.
"Let's get something straight," said Justice Department spokesperson James Gattlebritch, "the government is wise and trustworthy enough to be trusted with access to anything they want. What do you think, the U.S. government is going to waste time checking out Amazon.com records to see you bought Kangaroo Jack? As if! Get over yourself, folks. We're only looking for the people who are terrorist, and have known affiliation with terrorist groups. Or look shady. Just, you know, shady. You know the kind of people."
The ambiguity of language leads many skeptics to believe the Justice Department is engaging in illegal racial profiling. An allegation some are comfortable with.
One proponent of racial profiling is author and conservative advocate Rash Tinker. "Facts are facts. It makes no sense to pull white people out of line at the airline checkpoints and search them for terrorist weapons. It's just common sense. When have white people ever been terrorists? Outside of the IRA and a few European nationalist groups, never. We know the Arabs are responsible for the biggest terrorist act since the Oklahoma City bombing. I don't see the problem with just searching Arabs." the commune news defines itself as a patriot ever since the passing of Patriot Act, before which we defined ourselves according to the Fairweather Friend Act. Raoul Dunkin does something at our office, but as near as we can tell the main thing seems to be to stink of BurmaShave.
| Saddam Hussein's Dog ShotAugust 4, 2003 |
U.S. soldiers take turns posing in front of the “blown to shit” doghouse .S. soldiers sifted through the rubble of a doghouse on the outskirts of Mosul Saturday, celebrating the successful completion of a daring raid that ended with the death of Saddam Hussein’s infamous poodle, Ralphie. Early reports indicate the soldiers were tipped off by an opportunistic local merchant intent on collecting the $5 million reward offered by the U.S. government for information leading to the death or capture of the former dictator’s prime pooch.
“Now more than ever all Iraqis can know that the former regime is gone and will not be coming back,” President Bush said, modifying slightly a sales pitch from a commercial for Dodge trucks he’d heard that morning.
“A dog that had helped oppress the Iraqi people for years has been put down, and pu...
.S. soldiers sifted through the rubble of a doghouse on the outskirts of Mosul Saturday, celebrating the successful completion of a daring raid that ended with the death of Saddam Hussein’s infamous poodle, Ralphie. Early reports indicate the soldiers were tipped off by an opportunistic local merchant intent on collecting the $5 million reward offered by the U.S. government for information leading to the death or capture of the former dictator’s prime pooch. “Now more than ever all Iraqis can know that the former regime is gone and will not be coming back,” President Bush said, modifying slightly a sales pitch from a commercial for Dodge trucks he’d heard that morning. “A dog that had helped oppress the Iraqi people for years has been put down, and put down with extreme prejudice,” Bush continued, possibly referencing Apocalypse Now by way of Old Yeller. A public outcry followed when Bush made similar statements after the deaths of Saddam Hussein’s sons Odai and Qusai last week, proclaiming the regime to be history despite the fact that Saddam himself was still at large and U.S. forces were coming under attack on a daily basis. But Bush assured reporters that with the death of Hussein’s poodle, the regime really was totally gone now. Even more so than before. Bush added that Saddam himself was powerless without his bumbling pervert sons or canine best friend. Unless, of course, Saddam is captured or killed, in which case he would be revealed as an all-powerful monster capable of shooting laser beams out of his eyes. This latest raid was an even more impressive show of force than the last, when U.S. soldiers cornered Hussein’s sons in the bedroom of a house and dispatched everything short of a tactical nuclear strike to “apprehend” the two men and a teenage boy, who were reportedly armed with two handguns, several rocks and a bad attitude. The doghouse in question, one of several “safe houses” Ralphie was known to have in the area, was hit with several Tomahawk cruise missiles and “blown completely to shit” according to military personnel. Army officials said it was too early to comment on whether or not photos of the dead poodle would be distributed to the Iraqi public as proof of his demise, since this would depend on how much of Ralphie they could successfully scrape off of a nearby tree. Despite the optimism of the Bush administration, however, Saddam Hussein remains at large. Local rumors have Saddam disguised as everything from a very ugly woman to a butcher, baker or candlestick maker. One highly slurred report insisted the former dictator was inexplicably disguised as American diva Aretha Franklin, which would be hilarious. But for the commune’s money, this reporter says Hussein is probably roaming the countryside dressed as Osama Bin Laden, all the better to elude U.S. forces. The local merchant who offered the tip, Kamal al-Majid, gave one quote before he was taken into protective custody and most likely transferred to the Witness Relocation Program in America. “It was my decision that the people of Mosul had harbored this dog long enough. He stood in the way of the creation of a new Iraq at the hands of our generous pig-dog American infidel friends. Also, he shit on my sidewalk this morning and that I cannot abide! So now he must go to his great reward in the land where all bitches are in heat.” In the interest of hilarious irony, it is this reporter’s hope that al-Majid’s new life in America somehow involves running a pet store or being involved in veterinary care in the field of loose bowels, if such a thing exists. In related news Sunday, marines castrated a Shetland pony thought to be loyal to the regime. the commune news would like to make it clear that we plan to continue fighting the good fight, even if Red Bagel is ever taken into alien (or other) custody. We definitely don’t fantasize about taking three-hour lunches and getting plowed on the commune’s expense account. Not us. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s very remorseful foreign correspondent after discovering this week that he never signed up for frequent-flyer miles.
| Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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August 4, 2003 Change for a SinglePeople are always trying to set me up. And I'm not just talking about all the backstabbers planting evidence or hiding their plastic baggies in my pockets when the cops show up. I speak of the dating life.
It's like I literally have some huge sign around my neck that says, "I want you to fix me up with a numbnuts!" Figuratively speaking. Everyone and their sister knows someone and their brother that I would "just love." But this past week was the worst. It seemed like everyone I knew all conspired at once to send me out through a gauntlet of bad dates. I don't need to tell you it was a lot of fun, if your idea of fun is having Captain Hook as your gynecologist.
First was my sister, proving once again she's the dull blade in the family toolbox. The guy was some law...
º Last Column: Sci-Fi Star is Rising º more columns
People are always trying to set me up. And I'm not just talking about all the backstabbers planting evidence or hiding their plastic baggies in my pockets when the cops show up. I speak of the dating life.
It's like I literally have some huge sign around my neck that says, "I want you to fix me up with a numbnuts!" Figuratively speaking. Everyone and their sister knows someone and their brother that I would "just love." But this past week was the worst. It seemed like everyone I knew all conspired at once to send me out through a gauntlet of bad dates. I don't need to tell you it was a lot of fun, if your idea of fun is having Captain Hook as your gynecologist.
First was my sister, proving once again she's the dull blade in the family toolbox. The guy was some lawyer from her law firm, and *yawn* what a bore he was. All he could talk about was money. He told me he made a lot as a lawyer, like I even asked, but he really didn't need any of it since his family invented the cases they use for CDs and made like a trillion dollars in the 80s. I tried to make conversation, and asked if he owned any CDs. He said he owned three music studios and two music review magazines and people were always sending him free CDs. Like I needed to know all that. I just was wondering if he could make me a copy of that "Safety Dance" song. So I ditched him when he went to the bathroom, and thankfully haven't seen him since.
If it's even possible, mom always does even worse. The guy she set me up with didn't even really show up to dinner, but in fairness, he is in maximum security. The letter he sent was real nice, a bit awkward, since he didn't know my name and just called me "that chick on the outside." From what I gathered, mom wrote to him after seeing him on CNN and she thought we'd hit it off. At least I didn't have to sneak out of the restaurant. I wish somebody had shown up to the place, though, besides that courier. That dildo wouldn't even stay for a drink.
If you thought I was tired of this already, you're more than right. But still everybody's persisting. Ramon Nootles here at the commune set me up on a date and when I show up, it's him again. I told him I've had it up to here with him, and gestured to a body part. That only seemed to make him more excited. So you can guess I didn't even get to sit down on that date.
Toot, my little brother, he's got a good heart, but his friends are all screwed up. He must have scheduled the date over a bad cell phone connection or something since the restaurant turned out to be some motel room and three bald guys showed up at the same time. Talk about miscommunication. Even with 3-1 odds they were real downers. They only wanted to talk about religion and surrendering my soul to the Leader of Glorious Light. They had some interesting pamphlets, though, and of course the Leader is both divine and righteous and will lead us to the cherished afterlife in the path of heaven. But none of this gets me out of being set up with spazzes, obviously.
Leave it to dad to put a big fat sore point on the end of the week. He talks up his candidate for blind date all week and I actually look forward to meeting this guy. He's fun, he watches TV all the time just like me, he despises books, he's a crack sniper, he's a crack addict, recovering, and thinks women should be called girls. Sounds like a dreamboat, huh? Well, dad also forgot to mention he's my Uncle Luke. Dad gets confused a lot. Everyone else remembers you can't date blood relatives, at least not north of the Mason-Dixon line, so we just had a quick dinner and parted on good terms, until the next bail-out.
Advice to anyone who wants to set me up on blind date: Don't. Or if you absolutely have to, just remember I'm really busy and have been working a lot lately. I'm a hot property again, so really put some backbone into it. Now that I'm having a comeback dating uncles and Ramon Nootles is out. Period. º Last Column: Sci-Fi Star is Risingº more columns |
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Quote of the Day“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”
-Hildy DanielsFortune 500 CookieThis Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.
Try again later.Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan1. | Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians | 2. | Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan | 3. | Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao | 4. | China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us | 5. | China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan | |
| Study Shows Test Subjects Real Pricks About StudiesBY roland mcshyster 8/4/2003 Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I'm fuckin' smashed. That's right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow 'em out your ass, America! I'm fuckin' sick of movies, this week we're going to review vegetables. Cucumbers! Radishes! En… Endives! Yeah!
Alright, smartass, I'm out of vegetables. Here's your goddamn movies:
In Theaters
American Wedding
A formerly hardass franchise has gone all Friends on us, ladies and gentlemen. Hollywood's obese felines are betting you'll slap down your hard-earned pesos to watch these dirtballs get hitched, and I say screw 'em! Screw 'em and their imported water. If I wanted to see somebody stick their...
Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I'm fuckin' smashed. That's right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow 'em out your ass, America! I'm fuckin' sick of movies, this week we're going to review vegetables. Cucumbers! Radishes! En… Endives! Yeah!
Alright, smartass, I'm out of vegetables. Here's your goddamn movies:
In Theaters
American Wedding
A formerly hardass franchise has gone all Friends on us, ladies and gentlemen. Hollywood's obese felines are betting you'll slap down your hard-earned pesos to watch these dirtballs get hitched, and I say screw 'em! Screw 'em and their imported water. If I wanted to see somebody stick their dick in a wedding cake I would have gone to my cousin Dave's wedding last month. So let me be the first to add this movie to my list of things we're all boycotting: Pizza Hut, the boyscouts and this movie. Oh, and vegetables. Fuck vegetables. You heard it here first.
Fucking Friday
Jamie Lee Curtis and some anonymous tampon star in this triple-hashed remake of all those "Dad woke up with his teenage son's boner" movies from the 80's. Only now it's a mother and daughter sharing the misery, and it's not a onetime deal, but rather a once-a-week hassle that the family has come to know derisively as Fucking Friday. The expected faux-hilarity ensues, with daughter getting hot flashes and mom getting hot pants, blah blah blah. The bulk of the film consists of queasy sequences featuring mom being pawed by underage slobs with beer on their breath and daughter air-sickness bagging her way through routine, mechanical sex with dad, both of which I sincerely could have done without. Somebody actually found Mark Harmon buried in the wreck of the Lusitania and dug him up to co-star as the hot neighbor who may or may not have mind-switched with a two-year-old Latino boy. They must have figured Harmon had the necessary experience with catastrophes, but at least the first time around he probably got some decent seafood.
Gigli
With his latest picture, Ben Affleck proves he's whiter than any of us could have possibly imagined, despite his current marital status as a lemur clinging tenaciously to Jennifer Lopez's ass. Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a walking punchline whose constant references to "gettin' Gigli wit it" demonstrate that Affleck can't even appropriate faux-black culture from Will Smith, of all people. Thankfully, J-Lo sings a song on the soundtrack, so maximum camp value is achieved, allowing audiences to enjoy the film on an ironic level even if they like acting and music.
The Secret Lives of Dennis
Who out there among you didn't think it was too late for a Head of the Class spin-off movie? Okay, that's not many hands, but I'll assume that's because not many of you foresaw the possibility, or even recall the show from your cocaine-encrusted chest of 80's memories. For those of you that did think a spin-off was a good idea, wouldn't you have spun off a movie around rebel loner Eric or even geek chic Arvid? Okay, you guys with your hands still up are just fucking with me, go on home and quit busting my balls. As for the rest of you, were you really thinking of going to this movie? Good God man, don't you have some chores to do? Stay home and spellcheck your suicide note or something, for the love of all that is holy.
S.W.A.T.
The latest Playstation game to skip the Playstation and come straight to the theater is a loose (and I mean like the cousin that let you feel her up at the family reunion loose) sequel to the 1994 Stephen "Midget Golfer" Dorf flick S.F.W.. This is not to be confused with the Bridget "Anaconda" Fonda handjob S.W.F. (Super White Female) or the Three Stooges flick W.F.S. (Where the Fuck is Shep?). Since the original wasn't actually about anything, the producers had the leeway to build the sequel from the ground up, and to give the franchise a kick in the ass by making it a blaxploitation thrill ride. As with the original, the American public was deemed too square to be exposed to this film's title in its full glory (Some White-Ass Turkeys), but savvy filmgoers should know without being told that Samuel L. Jackson wouldn't get mixed up in another lame movie about the actual S.W.A.T. team, not after The Negotiator. Though he did still manage to walk into a door frame by not demanding that the screenwriter change his character's name from Hohmo, I can't help but think that's going to get more laughs than any of the actual jokes in the picture.
Alright, everybody out unless they want Bacardi on their pants! You got your movies, now leave Uncle Roland to drown his sorrows in a kiddie pool full of inexpensive rum. Check back in another two weeks, but if nobody answers when you knock then just dream up your own pithy comments for once. Lazy bastards. |