he anemic field of Democratic candidates, described by political pundits as “what the A-team would be like if it was really gay,� has inspired many Democrats to push for another Al Gore candidacy in 2004. Perhaps not grasping the ramifications of four more years with Boy George at the helm, thus far the former vice-president has steadfastly refused.

“I wouldn’t run for president again for a million, trillion dollars,� Gore told reporters last December. “Nor for all the tea in China.�

�Not even for true love?� a reporter questioned.

“No,� answered Gore. “Not even for that.�

However, Gore did concede later that if this reporter was holding a gun to the head of an innocent newborn baby, he might consider it. Though he did seem a little weirded out by the question.

Recent polls in New Hampshire show that if Gore were to enter the race for the Democratic Party nomination, he would immediately become the front-runner in that state. These polls showed that the same also holds true for Hillary Rodham Clinton, George Clinton, and Kool-Aid Man, the gigantic pitcher of powdered beverage famous for busting through walls and responding in the affirmative. Various Democratic candidates have denounced the poll as mean, but true.

Speaking with the commune this week, Gore’s position on his potential candidacy remained unchanged.

“Would you, could you, if it rained?� this reporter asked the non-candidate.

“I would not, could not if it rained,� responded Gore. “Nor if my brain had gone insane. I meant what I said and I said what I meant: I will not run for president! Now leave me be!�

Other scenarios that would fail to entice Gore to run include learning the secrets behind various Carly Simon songs, a blimp full of naked cheerleaders landing in his backyard, or having a southern state renamed Goregia.

Several political commentators have suggested that Gore would prefer to go down in history as the man who was denied the presidency by an antiquated electoral system and corrupt election officials in Florida, rather than risk losing a second election to a man who has been amply exposed as one of the less-memorable bit characters on Dukes of Hazzard. Those who know Gore dismiss this idea as absurd, though they could totally see Bush giving the Duke boys the what-for.

Gore supporters suggest instead that the former vice-president simply doesn’t wish to subject the public to a Gore v. Bush rematch, or spend the next year of his life debating with a man who moves his lips when he reads.

.S. lawmakers, called on to help clear the murky waters of consent in sexual situations between adults, responded today with a plan to create the national “Do Not Rape� registry, a centralized list of American women who are officially not asking for it.

Inspired by the sensationalized rape charges brought against NBA superstar Kobe Bryant by an unnamed Colorado woman, the registry would provide a way for U.S. women to proactively opt-out of unwanted sexual encounters with any of the growing legion of clueless sexual predators populating America’s bars and dark alleys.

The proposed list would mirror the recently created “Do Not Call� registry and the impending “Do Not Spam� list, and would mandate that all men intending to have rough sex with strangers would be required to check the list of names every three months or risk up to a $1,500 fine, jail time, or neither.

“If a woman says no, but only fights you off half-heartedly, that’s the most encouragement many of these guys will ever receive,� explained defense attorney Richard Spackle. “It can be very confusing.�

“Like what if she’s saying ‘No, no, no!’ but the guy’s Hawaiian or something and his name is Nono? That could happen. You gonna send Nono to jail just because he thought she was cheering him on? That’s discrimination, plain and simple.�

Legal experts and sports fans applaud the proposal, hailing the list as a step forward into an enlightened new age when the public will no longer have to guess which of the two people involved in a rape trial is the total piece of shit.

“This legislation could bring relief to many who desperately need it,� commented legal expert and student taxidermist Rutherford Wank. “Women who speak up with allegations of rape will be spared the muckraking and character assassination all too common in the modern rape trial. And even more importantly, American males will be free to fuck crazy bitches again.�

Other proposed lists reportedly being discussed in Washington include a national “Do Not Kick My Dog� registry, a “Do Not Masturbate to My Image� registry, and the controversial “Do Not Exploit My Unskilled Labor� registry, which has already drawn harsh criticism from several U.S. corporations. As of press time, no exploitive, dog-kicking masturbators could be reached for comment.

Did you know not all books are bad?

Yep, in case you thought that was a misprint, I confirm. Clarissa Coleman has found books that aren't half bad. Comic books!

Now, I know what you're thinking, but comic books aren't for kids anymore. They're way too expensive. The only kids who could afford comic books now are complete rich kid pricks. Like that kid from The Toy, if he hadn't spent all his money buying Richard Pryor. Or Richie Rich. But he was a comic book, so figure that out. Like a mystery in a riddle wrapped inside a taco or something.

Modern comic books are filled with real issues and topics, like swearing, and getting laid. They take away all the annoying things about "literate" books like politics and descriptions. And you know that really annoying thing book writers do where they spell the words like they sound when people say them? None of that shit, thank God. Comic books only take half the time to read, too, because they don't bore you by telling you what you would see if you walked in on the whole thing. There's a picture right there, like we're looking in through a window. Can you imagine what it would be like if some writer tried to write Superman as a book?

"Superman worried terribly about how big his butt looked in his red underwear. It was a goofy costume, but it always served him well. His bulging muscular top body was covered in a thin sheen of blue alien spandex, the last thing left over from the planet wherever he came from. His thick and meaty thighs were also draped in the velvet-like blue tights. Over his back was draped a bright red cape with a curved yellow 'S' on the back. Superman lifted his fist skyward and leapt into the air with a loud cry of, 'Up, up, and away!'"

Actually, that's not half bad. I could stand writing that a bit longer, maybe later tonight, before a cold shower.

But it just gets to my second point, that comic books have more interesting characters. None of this boring shit about a building contractor cheating on his wife with an aspiring interior decorator. Huh? Those sound like people you could meet at a gay uptown restaurant or something. All I can say is I've been to the restaurant and if I had my choice I'd rather see Superman's planet. Everybody dresses the same in both places, but there's probably cooler shit going on with the alien planet. They talk like Shakespeare there and don't scowl at you for wearing white past Labor Day or eating your salad with a knife.

All the movies coming out lately are made from comic books, too. Spider-Man, The Hulk, even Men in Black was a comic book, believe it or not. I wonder how they did the rapping in that. It just proves comic books are like books for normal people. When was the last time someone made a movie out of a book? Had to be the 19th century or something at least. Before there was TV and people had to go see a movie or read a book if they didn't want to die of boredom. They didn't have refrigerators back then. They just buried everything in the ground.

Obviously now that I'm being paid to model for that Metallichick comic book I'm a little biased on the whole thing. Still, I'm not the kind of person who can be bought for free lunches or anything, I call it like I see it. You won't see me dressed up in leather on the cover of some lame bestseller or anything. And both me and the world of books are probably both happy with it that way.

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