tymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11^th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.

At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."

According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don't vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration's lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.

"It is clearly a new era," said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp "Hap" Golord. "Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can't play ball—we're the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player."

Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.

"The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over," said some unmemorable besuited candidate. "In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, 'I feel your pain.' Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: 'Ouch. Didn't that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?'"

It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, "Don't go there."

Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. "I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that's un-American, denounce the rhetoric you've already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away."

Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt's statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.

Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom.

ccompanied with shock and outrage expressed by nampy-pamby New Age P.C. thugs across the country, the world learned last week of a group of ambitious and driven Northbrook, Illinois high school girls who take a genuine interest in school spirit and extra-curricular activities.

The "powderpuff football" game held Sunday, May 4, took on a decidedly un-powderpuff nature when the senior girls corralled the juniors into a group and began to splatter them with mud and human feces as part of a friendly hazing tradition. How they knew it was human feces and who identified it was not available information and asking the question only brought angry scowls from Cook County officials.

All girls involved reportedly knew the game would involve a hazing of the future seniors, but crybaby juniors alleged they had no idea the level of cruelty would be so high. Apparently kids today only know about initiation what they see on family-friendly high school shows like Seventh Heaven or something. This reporter would suggest girls on their way to a future initiation view fine hazing films like Full Metal Jacket or A Few Good Men. All in all, a typical end-of-school ritual gets a few more bruises and broken bones than planned, but anyone worried about our teens being slackers who let the future of America dribble down their legs while they watch Seventh Heaven found the news of the harsh initiation quite refreshing.

But the reaction of the PTA-whipped local school board and county officials? Criminal charges have been promised for the outgoing seniors involved in the incident. One group, however, has not lost perspective on the incident: Former Glenbrook North High School alumni.

"Sure, everybody knew what happened the last week of school," said Mitzi Burbank, class of 1993 and president of the Glenbrook North High reunion committee. "But everyone looked forward to it, like a rite of passage. Well, the juniors didn't. But they looked forward to it when they were seniors, the year after. It was tradition, and it was just so incredibly important to the students. Well, the seniors."

Class of 1995 Glenbrook North graduate Cindy DeSousa agreed.

"Oh, yeah, it was hell getting through it. I don't think we had any feces involved when I went through 'the gauntlet'… l'see, eggs, whipped cream, silly string—no, I think they missed the feces. But it sounds like a real sharp idea. Those girls really wanted to stand out from past classes!"

Other graduates, while admiring the girls' severe hazing, aren't admiring the incident's severity. Like Sue Gorton, class of 1955.

"I suppose it was bad, by today's standards," said Gorton, "but we had real wars and bloodshed back then, too. Hell, I know three or four juniors who didn't make it to senior year after their initiation—two went missing and one had a severe head injury that kept her in a coma until Woodstock. And we didn't just limit it to incoming senior girls either. We would haze some of the black students as well. They didn't go to our school, but that didn't mean we couldn't haze them."

Current Glenbrook North student and Class Treasurer Taylor Wick expressed support for the hazing as well.

"It's important to the social order to keep the hazing alive. If we don't have traditions to mark the change from underclass to ruling class, then it all starts to fall apart. Pretty soon people wouldn't even care what part of town you live in or what kind of clothes you're wearing. You know what they call that? Anarchy."

Dear commune:

Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here. I’ve heard all I need to, so when are you guys going to hook me up with her phone number? No fair keeping the gems all to yourselves, men of the commune. Don’t make me scale the walls of your fortress of isolation with my footstool of love, dudes. Time to share the wealth.

Sincerely,

Ronald Berkwitz
Shady Grove, CT


Dear Ronald:

Well, she’s a frigid ball-breaking bitch, an iron hook to scratch your itch, she’s a harpie. She’s a plague you’ll never shake, a turd baked in your birthday cake, she smells carpy. In addition we’d like to add that she’s a maneater. Still, we’re going to grant your wish and pass on that number Ronald, since we don’t like you and we’ll pull just about any low kind of shit to get rid of her by now. However we’re going to need you to sign a legal release of some sort, since we don’t want to be charged with manslaughter again. Talk about a way to ruin a perfectly good summer, jeez. So Ronald, in closing, we’d like to say good luck to you and start running now, you poor fucker.


the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for oh, I don’t know. Porcupines. Yeah, just try to pin that porcupine bullshit on us. We dare you.

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