ollowing Tuesday's announcement by Elton John that he and Bernie Taupin would collaborate on a Broadway musical based on Anne Rice's Interview with a Vampire books, it was universally realized that a Broadway musical could be based on anything, no matter how stupid the idea. The notion, first proposed by the Broadway versions of Beauty & the Beast and The Lion King, inspired longtime commune reporter Ted Ted to announce Saturday he would create a musical based on the 1999 film The Blair Witch Project.

The Blair Witch Project, a documentary-style horror film featuring three Burkittsville, Maryland students' frightening encounter with a terrifying local legend, did not seem like an especially good musical show to Ted Ted, who was insistent on proving his point that people going to Broadway will sit through anything. Though not yet completed or started, the musical is in what Ted Ted describes as the "brainstorming" pre-production period, where he thinks of how to break up the movie into a two-act show and comes up with some dumb songs based on incidents in the movie.

Early work points to inclusion of a title song, sung by the Blair Witch character who does not appear in the original film, tentatively titled, "I'm the Blair Witch!" The song will be in the vein of the "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" song from the good cartoon version of the Dr. Seuss How the Grinch Stole Christmas and not the pitiful Ron Howard/Jim Carrey movie version.

Also being considered for the Blair Witch Broadway play is a song for the scene where two of the young filmmakers are searching for their friend, which will probably be called simply, "Josh!" and be very much in the tradition of South Pacific or something really gay like that. Plans are also being developed for a long, sonorous ballad titled something like, "I'm So Scared" to be belted out by the lead female character.

The musical will probably not be very good, promised Ted Ted, but it will sell out instantly and run for a very long time on Broadway due to Ted Ted's plan to cast has-beens or one-hit musical wonders in the lead roles. Initially being considered for the three roles are Debbie Gibson, Jordan Knight, and Jesse Camp. Not being ruled out is the idea of inviting the three has-beens from the original film to reprise their roles in the Broadway show.

"The idea stems," explained Ted Ted, "from my deep, unrelenting contempt for Broadway and the shallow shells of human beings who put any trendy piece of garbage on the stage because idiots who think it makes them hip to be seen going to Broadway or who jump on big Broadway bandwagons will pay to see it. I utterly loathe and despise Broadway people, the lowest of the already-low grade of showbiz people."

Broadway people could not be reached for comment, given that Ted Ted did not bother to try.

ollowing the victory of Wednesday's arrest of Iraqi official and "eight of spades" Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, the notorious "deuce of diamonds."

Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country's biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.

Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development of strong propaganda campaigns and re-organization of key Iraq military units. They also recognize that Parzi, socially, is a king-sized prick unsuitable for hanging out with on any pretense. Chiefly among these reasons are his inability to understand most jokes, his heavy and grating style of breathing, and his poor handling of alcohol.

Not only did his poor habits make him unpopular with his fellow Hussein loyalists, Parzi, nick-named "Pinches" for the irritating habit of sneaking up on friends and squeezing their love handles, also became a problem for the U.S. government early into Operation: Something-Something Iraq. Shortly before the invasion began, Parzi contacted U.S. officials to discuss the possibility of his surrender, exchanging insider information for amnesty, but U.S. officials were reluctant to accept his surrender at the time, worried it would make the prospect of surrender infinitely uncool to all other Iraqis.

When creating the deck of cards to identify and rank Iraqi government figures, military insiders were faced with the challenge of filling out a 52-card deck with a bunch of Iraq guys they barely knew. Everyone was hesitant to include Parzi at all, but when they began scraping the bottom of the barrel, Parzi was elected for the inauspicious final spot, unfavorably known amongst U.S. soldiers as the "douche of diamonds." A name that has apparently traveled fast and stuck even better than "Pinches."

Discussing the arrest of Parzi, who was apprehended alone and stripped to his underwear and a T-shirt, U.S. military spokespeople would only say that Parzi had been traveling toward Syria with a caravan of displaced Iraqi military officials when he was forced to flee into the desert upon eating more than his share of rations. Parzi made a brief statement as he was arrested by troops, but no one bothered to write it down.

In an afternoon news conference, the Bush administration was optimistic in regards to the recent arrests.

"Tariq Azis was a high-ranking member of the Baath party, and his capture is a victory for the ongoing campaign against remaining Iraqi regime members," said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer.

Asked about the arrest of Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, Fleischer, nodded gruffly and replied, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we got him, too. Any other questions?"

Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.

In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.

In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.

Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.

In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.

Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.

So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie that is Where the Hippos Live. Great movie, from name. But Boris never get to see movie in dream since always some thing happen. Theater fly in sky or everyone stop to do taxes or ducks eat all of screen, always some thing happen.

One time in dream Boris is bored in IMAX theater, so Boris digs through floor. Trust Boris, make sense in dream. Underneath there is apartment, and Boris climb down inside. In bathroom is cousin Boguslaw, who is naked with personal parts glued to doorknob. True story of dream! Boris checks expiring dates on cans of midnight snack sardines after this dream, yes.

But most times Boris has dream of standing in line, all times. No fun, standing in line to get inside dream. Is boring like newspaper. Boris wait in line and line is so long. Goes upstairs, downstairs, out of doors, inside, across street, up escalator, down hall, in other building, even in other town. And persons is always cutting in front of Boris like Buttinski, as Louis say. But problem is persons is dressed same as other persons, so Boris cannot say who is Buttinski. Very confusing, but Boris is happy to finally get inside dream to see IMAX movies.

Seven dollars? Hold on to it, Boris will wake up to see if he has the seven dollars.

And oh shit, Boris is missing movie again.

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