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Three Dead, Nineteen Wounded After Girls Gone Wild April 28, 2003 |
Hi-tech computers and slutty re-enactment actresses re-create eyewitness accounts of the gone wild incident that resulted in tragedy.
Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape.
“We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,” said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are ex...
ragedy struck a beautiful Miami beach Saturday when a top-lifting riot ended in the death of three and the wounding of at least nineteen. Police had yet to piece together the incident based on witness accounts, but it is believed the girls were incited to riot by college-age males and a video camera crew. Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape. “We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,” said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are examining the tapes repeatedly to determine exactly what happened. Even the hot action back in their hotel rooms. We have no further comment at this time.” The popular video tape series features real college girls doing things you wouldn’t believe, frequently including nudity and gratuitous girl-on-girl inappropriate touching. Several of the videos also feature extreme violence as girls are persuaded by shouting crowds and thrown beer bottles to lash out at other women for the amusement of onlookers. A common occurrence is two young co-eds pushed into a crowd circle where, fueled by Peppermint Schnopps and other alcoholic beverages, they attack each other with claws and teeth until only one is left standing. This time, however, the violence escalated until the streets of Spring Break (Whoo) filled with blood. “It was, like, a total nightmare,” described Darrel “D-Train” Walters, who traveled down from Dartmouth for vacation. “There was this whole line of sorority sisters, and they were takin’ it all off and we were shoutin’ ‘em on, then they started pushing each other—and some were kissin’. Man that was hot—and then the nails came out and I couldn’t see ‘cause there was so much skin and hair and blood.” Others were quick to blame the Kappa-Alphas, but it was apparent once the rioting had begun other girls were ignited into a stripping-killing frenzy. “The last thing I remember,” said a dude who would only identify himself as “Mike from Georgia, Go Dawgs,” “was Dan and Geronimo sprinkling Rolling Rocks over this one chick to slow her down, then we totally got blindsided by these twins. Dan probably lost an eye and I ain’t even seen Geronimo since. Nobody will tell me nothing. Dude, if you see a fat guy with an ‘Official Titty Inspector’ T-shirt, you gotta tell me. I just need closure.” Officials believe the report of three dead to be accurate. One is an unidentified college-age male decapitated with a string of beads and the other were two co-eds going wild, who had to be put down. The number of wounded reported continues to rise. Though this is the largest girls-gone-wild-related catastrophe on American soil, it is not the first. Two years ago a man was killed when a group of hot rioting girls going wild dragged him by the beads off a balcony. The total wounded reached 11, but both incidents fall short of the toll of 22 dead and 46 wounded last year in Cancun. the commune news has not gone wild, we just thought wearing a loincloth would be a nice change of pace. Boner Cunningham is our teen correspondent, tackling tough teen issues, and weak teens.
 | U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc.Mysterious Corporation Receives $100 Billion Contract April 28, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Whit Pistol The president greets the founder and CEO of Cheney Group, Inc., and his vice-president, Dick Cheney (Both are Dicks).
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
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resident and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild the country was a $100+ billion contract to the little-known Cheney Group, Inc.
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
The assault alluded to by Professor Wishawa, as his tension was kneaded away by professional masseusse Bubbles Skotch, is the rumor that the Cheney Group, Inc. board of directors includes Vice-President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne Cheney. Early speculation is also that the Cheney dog Rags holds a prominent, undisclosed position as well. More disconcerting to critics are reports the Cheney Group, Inc. has no other members on its board, and is in fact entirely made up of Cheney family members.
"As far as I'm concerned, the White House has reached a new public low with this bold announcement. Previous politicians have at least felt a shame at stuffing their pockets with war profiteering, and have even gone so far as to accept their reward in the form of kickbacks from companies they award contracts to. The Bush administration has shown no shame even in the process of stuffing their own pockets. They're shameless self-pocket-stuffers."
Much laughter ensued, possibly due to ingestion of large amounts of tequila. Conversation continued after Professor Wishawa eventually stopped laughing, having blown a snot bubble.
"What's more alarming than the brazen nature of these self-rewarding contracts is the fact our media has seen fit to gloss over them. Financial information may not be interesting to the public, I'm sure that's the excuse they'll use, but it seems representative to me of the fact we're losing our systems of checks and balances. Which is the short course of turning our country from a democracy into a totalitarian—oh, Christ, Bubbles, that's the spot!"
Wishawa then grunted loudly in a way I'm not sure how to spell, and asked for another tequila. Perhaps some reporters would have cut these vital details from the interview, but those are lesser individuals.
White House spokesmensch Ari Fleischer was quick to dismiss the claims as "cliché," but was too uptight to meet this reporter somewhere to party and interview.
"Frankly, I get bored answering these kinds of questions," said the complete downer. "All of these groups are more than qualified to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no questions asked. I'm sure the Cheney Group, whatever it does, will be able to do that thing to Iraq and make it safer for… you know what I'm saying. Get off my ass already." the commune news would be happy to make a profit off of war, or off of a peace, or off anything—what we're saying is we're a non-profit organization, and pissed about it. Ramon Nootles is our man in the field, assuming that field is populated by half-naked women with low standards.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 April 28, 2003 You Don't Know Dick About Tennisthe commune's Omar Bricks challenges your manly grasp of a girly sport You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet before in their lives. It's like a self-esteem thing or something. Everybody likes to think they know about tennis.
Or even better, lump them in with an entire group of people who don't know anything about tennis. You'll be lucky if you make it out of the room alive.
"I don't care what anybody says, the Russians don't know shit about tennis."
This works even better if they're not even Russian, because then they're twice pissed. Once because you think they know jack about tennis, then all over again because you t...
º Last Column: Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfucker
º more columns
You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet before in their lives. It's like a self-esteem thing or something. Everybody likes to think they know about tennis.
Or even better, lump them in with an entire group of people who don't know anything about tennis. You'll be lucky if you make it out of the room alive.
"I don't care what anybody says, the Russians don't know shit about tennis."
This works even better if they're not even Russian, because then they're twice pissed. Once because you think they know jack about tennis, then all over again because you thought they were Russian. You're begging for a belt-whipping at that point. Even if they themselves think Russia is kind of cool, they'll still assume you're trying to start some shit by the insinuation.
Don't even try bringing it up in a fancy restaurant, unless you know how to Jackie Chan your way out of there. People who eat at fancy restaurants are especially insecure about their grasp of tennis. It's like the saying goes; there are a few things you just can't bring up in pleasant conversation. The KKK, botched abortions, tennis, gay sex… there are a few more, I can't remember the whole quote right now.
After you've got a guy fired up about you thinking he knows dick about tennis, a good strategy to push him to the edge is to accuse him of making up words. This is classic. If he says something like "Actually, I'm quite familiar with tennis, I've been a member at the club since I was an adolescent." You counter like "Adolescent? Cripes man, are you autistic? Speak English." I once had a guy try to kill me with an ice statue of a duck after I used that one. Thank God ice sticks to your hands, or I might be walking around wearing a frozen mallard hat to this day.
Every once in a while you'll come across some hotshot who actually is a tennis pro of some sort, the dude looks like Ivan Lendl because he is Ivan Lendl. Don't worry, you're not as screwed as you might think in this situation. If he starts quoting off obscure rules or matches, just start mixing up sports. "Well, that makes sense, if you're bowling, but I'm talking about tennis." If the dude just won't give up, the coup de ville is to say "Oh, you're right. That IS tennis. I was thinking about rugby. You really play tennis? Pretty gay, dude." They you walk away like you can't believe you wasted your time talking to him. I did that once at Wimbleton after I wandered over from a stag party across the street where the toilet was busted and that guy was so pissed I thought his mustache was going to kill me all by itself.
All this just goes to show that everything in life has a purpose. It's like golf. I used to think golf was pointless until I realized what it really is. They give you weapons, stick you in a little car and say drink all you want. It's like being in South America, anything goes. The holes are just there so you have old people to slalom around.
Same thing with tennis. For years I thought it was there just to keep weekend TV from being too fun. You know, some kind of conspiracy run by bars and movie theaters and shit. Then I realized it's like a built-in argument starter. Dude doesn't even have to speak English, if you can pantomime "You don't know a goddamned thing about tennis" you've got yourself a bar fight, in any culture. It's like a gift from the shit-starting Gods.
Bricks out. º Last Column: Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfuckerº more columns | 
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Milestones1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.Now HiringTrombone Player. Follow Bludney Pudd around office playing hilarious "wahnt-WAHNT" everytime he does something pathetic. Overtime guaranteed.Best 90's Nostalgia Collections| 1. | Grunge AGAIN! | | 2. | Bitch-Slapped By Gangsta Rap | | 3. | Golden Memories... Yeah, Right | | 4. | They Sold Out At Woodstock '94 | | 5. | Where Were They Then? | |
|   Bush Pledges $350 Billion Tax Cut to Registered Republicans BY roland mcshyster 4/28/2003 Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly...
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly turning to each other during his movies and having conversations like:
"Wait a minute, why do they keep calling Adam Sandler 'Barry'?"
"I don't know dude, watch and find out."
This latest flick is more of the same, though Sandler may have finally met his match in always-acting-the-same virtuoso Jack Nicholson. Strangely enough, Nicholson's character in the film isn't named Jack either, so I guess he's still harboring the same delusions after all these years.
Thankfully Jack at least provides us visual clues so we know we're not watching Sophie's Choice, because in this movie he wears a different hat. I think more actors should try this; George Clooney could really expand his range if he'd put on a sombrero every once in a while.
As for the film itself, it's your standard "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy leaves giant dildo formed out of cheetos on girl's doorstep at night" picture, spiced up by a little rhyming dialogue. You could do worse, especially if you think Jamie Kennedy is funny.
Bulletproof Monkey
Looks like that voodoo priestess I paid to keep Sean William Scott out of any more movies has failed me yet again. Here he plays the annoying little monkey of the title, who steals Chow Yun-Fat's Asian accent, making it tough for him to find work in any half-assed knockoffs of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The resulting film is sort of like a cross between Kangaroo Jack and having your girlfriend leave you for Bob Denver. It's better than Iron Monkey, the Beastie Boys' Brass Monkey and Pauley Shore's Ass Monkey, but that's kind of like saying getting kicked in the face is better than getting kicked in the taint.
Holes
Though they have probably the worst name ever for a teenage girl group (despite stiff competition from B*Witched and Gynotopia), Holes have always charmed with their angst-free songs about being young and spoiled. Was that enough to justify a feature-length film? Of course not, but nobody really believed the caning of the Spice Girls in Singapore was really going to be the deterrent that kept some soulless hack trying to pull this crap again. The supporting cast of John "Must've Had Sex with Some Kind of Goddess to Produce Angelina Jolie" Voight and Segourney "No Matter How You Spell My Name It Still Doesn't Look Right" Weaver keep the proceedings mildly respectable while Holes travels around the world trying to discover why some people are ugly. If this movie were a beverage, it would be a can full of air, but it's not like the target audience has ever heard of thinking.
House of 1000 Islands
Rob Zombie's obviously a big fan of salad dressing, and it shows in this reverent homage to many of the masters of the medium. Throughout the film you'll see people eating salads with blue cheese, Italian vinaigrette, honey mustard, all the big names. There's kind of a tacked-on horror angle to the picture where the guy running the restaurant is really making the dressing out of kidnapped cheerleaders and surplus members of boy bands, but I wouldn't get too wrapped up in that side of the film. If you like watching people eat salad, you'll like this movie.
Identity
Look, unless David Lynch in involved, I just don't accept "the Hamburgler did it" as the resolution to any film. Sorry. I was willing to let the film try again to get it right, but it just ended instead, so piss on this movie. Yeah, sure, I'll stare at John Cusack for two hours, because I'm in a good mood and I already bought a soda. I'll even buy Ray Liotta in a role where he doesn't have a coke problem, sure. But the whole strangers in a room/lights go out/a woman screams/lights go up and--somebody fucked the cat!--angle is just tired. Been done too many times, and it was done better the last time I played Clue. They should have blamed it all on the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Nobody ever sees that one coming.
And that's all we've go to report as of right now. Word on the street is that there are several more crappy movies in production as… we… speak… so we'll have the latest on those as soon as they crap themselves into the theater. If you're like me, you hope to develop a drinking problem before then, to ease the pain. Best of luck to both of us. Bottoms up America!    |
