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"Douche of Diamonds" Surrenders to U.S. ForcesLeast Wanted Iraqi Official Apprehended April 28, 2003 |
Baghdad, Iraq U.s. Ministry Of Truth The "douche of diamonds": America's least-wanted Iraqi. Even the card is kind of flimsy.
Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country's biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.
Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development...
ollowing the victory of Wednesday's arrest of Iraqi official and "eight of spades" Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, the notorious "deuce of diamonds."
Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country's biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.
Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development of strong propaganda campaigns and re-organization of key Iraq military units. They also recognize that Parzi, socially, is a king-sized prick unsuitable for hanging out with on any pretense. Chiefly among these reasons are his inability to understand most jokes, his heavy and grating style of breathing, and his poor handling of alcohol.
Not only did his poor habits make him unpopular with his fellow Hussein loyalists, Parzi, nick-named "Pinches" for the irritating habit of sneaking up on friends and squeezing their love handles, also became a problem for the U.S. government early into Operation: Something-Something Iraq. Shortly before the invasion began, Parzi contacted U.S. officials to discuss the possibility of his surrender, exchanging insider information for amnesty, but U.S. officials were reluctant to accept his surrender at the time, worried it would make the prospect of surrender infinitely uncool to all other Iraqis.
When creating the deck of cards to identify and rank Iraqi government figures, military insiders were faced with the challenge of filling out a 52-card deck with a bunch of Iraq guys they barely knew. Everyone was hesitant to include Parzi at all, but when they began scraping the bottom of the barrel, Parzi was elected for the inauspicious final spot, unfavorably known amongst U.S. soldiers as the "douche of diamonds." A name that has apparently traveled fast and stuck even better than "Pinches."
Discussing the arrest of Parzi, who was apprehended alone and stripped to his underwear and a T-shirt, U.S. military spokespeople would only say that Parzi had been traveling toward Syria with a caravan of displaced Iraqi military officials when he was forced to flee into the desert upon eating more than his share of rations. Parzi made a brief statement as he was arrested by troops, but no one bothered to write it down.
In an afternoon news conference, the Bush administration was optimistic in regards to the recent arrests.
"Tariq Azis was a high-ranking member of the Baath party, and his capture is a victory for the ongoing campaign against remaining Iraqi regime members," said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer.
Asked about the arrest of Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, Fleischer, nodded gruffly and replied, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we got him, too. Any other questions?" the commune news—the last name in last-named news sources. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and continually forgets the lyrics to "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
 | Three Dead, Nineteen Wounded After Girls Gone Wild April 28, 2003 |
Hi-tech computers and slutty re-enactment actresses re-create eyewitness accounts of the gone wild incident that resulted in tragedy.
Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape.
“We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,” said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are ex...
ragedy struck a beautiful Miami beach Saturday when a top-lifting riot ended in the death of three and the wounding of at least nineteen. Police had yet to piece together the incident based on witness accounts, but it is believed the girls were incited to riot by college-age males and a video camera crew. Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape. “We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,” said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are examining the tapes repeatedly to determine exactly what happened. Even the hot action back in their hotel rooms. We have no further comment at this time.” The popular video tape series features real college girls doing things you wouldn’t believe, frequently including nudity and gratuitous girl-on-girl inappropriate touching. Several of the videos also feature extreme violence as girls are persuaded by shouting crowds and thrown beer bottles to lash out at other women for the amusement of onlookers. A common occurrence is two young co-eds pushed into a crowd circle where, fueled by Peppermint Schnopps and other alcoholic beverages, they attack each other with claws and teeth until only one is left standing. This time, however, the violence escalated until the streets of Spring Break (Whoo) filled with blood. “It was, like, a total nightmare,” described Darrel “D-Train” Walters, who traveled down from Dartmouth for vacation. “There was this whole line of sorority sisters, and they were takin’ it all off and we were shoutin’ ‘em on, then they started pushing each other—and some were kissin’. Man that was hot—and then the nails came out and I couldn’t see ‘cause there was so much skin and hair and blood.” Others were quick to blame the Kappa-Alphas, but it was apparent once the rioting had begun other girls were ignited into a stripping-killing frenzy. “The last thing I remember,” said a dude who would only identify himself as “Mike from Georgia, Go Dawgs,” “was Dan and Geronimo sprinkling Rolling Rocks over this one chick to slow her down, then we totally got blindsided by these twins. Dan probably lost an eye and I ain’t even seen Geronimo since. Nobody will tell me nothing. Dude, if you see a fat guy with an ‘Official Titty Inspector’ T-shirt, you gotta tell me. I just need closure.” Officials believe the report of three dead to be accurate. One is an unidentified college-age male decapitated with a string of beads and the other were two co-eds going wild, who had to be put down. The number of wounded reported continues to rise. Though this is the largest girls-gone-wild-related catastrophe on American soil, it is not the first. Two years ago a man was killed when a group of hot rioting girls going wild dragged him by the beads off a balcony. The total wounded reached 11, but both incidents fall short of the toll of 22 dead and 46 wounded last year in Cancun. the commune news has not gone wild, we just thought wearing a loincloth would be a nice change of pace. Boner Cunningham is our teen correspondent, tackling tough teen issues, and weak teens.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 April 28, 2003 ParachuteBoris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.
In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.
In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.
Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.
In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes ...
º Last Column: Lunch
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Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.
In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for living.
In bedroom of parachute live bird, and weasel. Boris love bird! But weasel is not friendly. Not him. Weasel scream and want bed all himself. No good to argue. Boris wish bird to eat weasel while Boris is awake, but this not happen yet.
Oh shit, toaster is making smoke! Is not toast for eating! Ha ha, is joke toaster. Funny thing.
In dream parachute Louis live there too, and Abraham Lincolns, who is father of country musics. Very good person. Louis have girls over too, but is bimbos. Sometimes is crowded in parachute, and Abraham Lincolns has smell like sour milks. Maybe then he is not so good for roommate? But he always give Boris present like yo-yo or funny shrunken head, so is okay.
Other thing always in Boris dream is IMAX theater. You know this? Is big thing for movie. Boris go there one time when goes to zoo to buy animals for decorating Louis apartment. Oh no! Zoo is selfish with animal, none to share with Boris. But Boris still see movie about sloth when there. Very fun, this movie. Sloth is person with hair who move so slow. All day long just move slow and persons is laughing.
So always in dream Boris is going to IMAX theater to see new movie that is Where the Hippos Live. Great movie, from name. But Boris never get to see movie in dream since always some thing happen. Theater fly in sky or everyone stop to do taxes or ducks eat all of screen, always some thing happen.
One time in dream Boris is bored in IMAX theater, so Boris digs through floor. Trust Boris, make sense in dream. Underneath there is apartment, and Boris climb down inside. In bathroom is cousin Boguslaw, who is naked with personal parts glued to doorknob. True story of dream! Boris checks expiring dates on cans of midnight snack sardines after this dream, yes.
But most times Boris has dream of standing in line, all times. No fun, standing in line to get inside dream. Is boring like newspaper. Boris wait in line and line is so long. Goes upstairs, downstairs, out of doors, inside, across street, up escalator, down hall, in other building, even in other town. And persons is always cutting in front of Boris like Buttinski, as Louis say. But problem is persons is dressed same as other persons, so Boris cannot say who is Buttinski. Very confusing, but Boris is happy to finally get inside dream to see IMAX movies.
Seven dollars? Hold on to it, Boris will wake up to see if he has the seven dollars.
And oh shit, Boris is missing movie again. º Last Column: Lunchº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“They say you are what you eat, which is precisely why I ate fine young Bernard. Though I regret to report that I feel largely unchanged, except for the part about being in prison and having a permanent case of indigestion.”
-Percy "The Cannibal" DandridgeFortune 500 CookieNobody knows the trouble you've seen, and you'll keep it that way if you know what's good for ya, bub. Try mixing your unique brand of illiterate rage with random fits of giggling this week. People hate it when you bring your own records to be played on the jukebox—it's just a soda joint, asshole. This week's lucky piercings: throat, spleen, tear duct, tooth.
Try again later.QVC Top Sellers| 1. | Edible Bacon Sleeping Mask | | 2. | Avocado Clock | | 3. | Big Bag 'o Cubic Zirconiums | | 4. | Electronic Feces Sniffer | | 5. | "Great Jews of the 60's" Trading Card Set | |
|   U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc. BY roland mcshyster 4/28/2003 Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly...
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly turning to each other during his movies and having conversations like:
"Wait a minute, why do they keep calling Adam Sandler 'Barry'?"
"I don't know dude, watch and find out."
This latest flick is more of the same, though Sandler may have finally met his match in always-acting-the-same virtuoso Jack Nicholson. Strangely enough, Nicholson's character in the film isn't named Jack either, so I guess he's still harboring the same delusions after all these years.
Thankfully Jack at least provides us visual clues so we know we're not watching Sophie's Choice, because in this movie he wears a different hat. I think more actors should try this; George Clooney could really expand his range if he'd put on a sombrero every once in a while.
As for the film itself, it's your standard "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy leaves giant dildo formed out of cheetos on girl's doorstep at night" picture, spiced up by a little rhyming dialogue. You could do worse, especially if you think Jamie Kennedy is funny.
Bulletproof Monkey
Looks like that voodoo priestess I paid to keep Sean William Scott out of any more movies has failed me yet again. Here he plays the annoying little monkey of the title, who steals Chow Yun-Fat's Asian accent, making it tough for him to find work in any half-assed knockoffs of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The resulting film is sort of like a cross between Kangaroo Jack and having your girlfriend leave you for Bob Denver. It's better than Iron Monkey, the Beastie Boys' Brass Monkey and Pauley Shore's Ass Monkey, but that's kind of like saying getting kicked in the face is better than getting kicked in the taint.
Holes
Though they have probably the worst name ever for a teenage girl group (despite stiff competition from B*Witched and Gynotopia), Holes have always charmed with their angst-free songs about being young and spoiled. Was that enough to justify a feature-length film? Of course not, but nobody really believed the caning of the Spice Girls in Singapore was really going to be the deterrent that kept some soulless hack trying to pull this crap again. The supporting cast of John "Must've Had Sex with Some Kind of Goddess to Produce Angelina Jolie" Voight and Segourney "No Matter How You Spell My Name It Still Doesn't Look Right" Weaver keep the proceedings mildly respectable while Holes travels around the world trying to discover why some people are ugly. If this movie were a beverage, it would be a can full of air, but it's not like the target audience has ever heard of thinking.
House of 1000 Islands
Rob Zombie's obviously a big fan of salad dressing, and it shows in this reverent homage to many of the masters of the medium. Throughout the film you'll see people eating salads with blue cheese, Italian vinaigrette, honey mustard, all the big names. There's kind of a tacked-on horror angle to the picture where the guy running the restaurant is really making the dressing out of kidnapped cheerleaders and surplus members of boy bands, but I wouldn't get too wrapped up in that side of the film. If you like watching people eat salad, you'll like this movie.
Identity
Look, unless David Lynch in involved, I just don't accept "the Hamburgler did it" as the resolution to any film. Sorry. I was willing to let the film try again to get it right, but it just ended instead, so piss on this movie. Yeah, sure, I'll stare at John Cusack for two hours, because I'm in a good mood and I already bought a soda. I'll even buy Ray Liotta in a role where he doesn't have a coke problem, sure. But the whole strangers in a room/lights go out/a woman screams/lights go up and--somebody fucked the cat!--angle is just tired. Been done too many times, and it was done better the last time I played Clue. They should have blamed it all on the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Nobody ever sees that one coming.
And that's all we've go to report as of right now. Word on the street is that there are several more crappy movies in production as… we… speak… so we'll have the latest on those as soon as they crap themselves into the theater. If you're like me, you hope to develop a drinking problem before then, to ease the pain. Best of luck to both of us. Bottoms up America!    |
