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U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc.Mysterious Corporation Receives $100 Billion Contract April 28, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Whit Pistol The president greets the founder and CEO of Cheney Group, Inc., and his vice-president, Dick Cheney (Both are Dicks).
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
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resident and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild the country was a $100+ billion contract to the little-known Cheney Group, Inc.
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
The assault alluded to by Professor Wishawa, as his tension was kneaded away by professional masseusse Bubbles Skotch, is the rumor that the Cheney Group, Inc. board of directors includes Vice-President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne Cheney. Early speculation is also that the Cheney dog Rags holds a prominent, undisclosed position as well. More disconcerting to critics are reports the Cheney Group, Inc. has no other members on its board, and is in fact entirely made up of Cheney family members.
"As far as I'm concerned, the White House has reached a new public low with this bold announcement. Previous politicians have at least felt a shame at stuffing their pockets with war profiteering, and have even gone so far as to accept their reward in the form of kickbacks from companies they award contracts to. The Bush administration has shown no shame even in the process of stuffing their own pockets. They're shameless self-pocket-stuffers."
Much laughter ensued, possibly due to ingestion of large amounts of tequila. Conversation continued after Professor Wishawa eventually stopped laughing, having blown a snot bubble.
"What's more alarming than the brazen nature of these self-rewarding contracts is the fact our media has seen fit to gloss over them. Financial information may not be interesting to the public, I'm sure that's the excuse they'll use, but it seems representative to me of the fact we're losing our systems of checks and balances. Which is the short course of turning our country from a democracy into a totalitarian—oh, Christ, Bubbles, that's the spot!"
Wishawa then grunted loudly in a way I'm not sure how to spell, and asked for another tequila. Perhaps some reporters would have cut these vital details from the interview, but those are lesser individuals.
White House spokesmensch Ari Fleischer was quick to dismiss the claims as "cliché," but was too uptight to meet this reporter somewhere to party and interview.
"Frankly, I get bored answering these kinds of questions," said the complete downer. "All of these groups are more than qualified to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no questions asked. I'm sure the Cheney Group, whatever it does, will be able to do that thing to Iraq and make it safer for… you know what I'm saying. Get off my ass already." the commune news would be happy to make a profit off of war, or off of a peace, or off anything—what we're saying is we're a non-profit organization, and pissed about it. Ramon Nootles is our man in the field, assuming that field is populated by half-naked women with low standards.
 |  White House Asks for Big Partisan Pay-Off April 28, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president attempts to justify his $350 billion tax cut to a group who showed up after seeing the "free blow jobs" sign.
Democrats have denounced the move as a blatant attempt to curry voter favor and sustain the president's popularity, despite poor response to domestic issues. Bush's plan for tax cuts to corporations, they say, is more of the same failed Reaganomic "trickle-down" theory operating on the premise that monetary breaks to companies will produce new jobs. As for the reduced taxes for registered Republicans, it is an unbelievable act of hubris by a president with elephant balls.
In addit...
n a move being sharply criticized by Democrats, President Bush announced his plan for a $350 billion tax cut. The cuts would be specifically to registered Republicans and corporations, and Bush promised the reduced taxes would spark growth in the job market and turn the economy around.
Democrats have denounced the move as a blatant attempt to curry voter favor and sustain the president's popularity, despite poor response to domestic issues. Bush's plan for tax cuts to corporations, they say, is more of the same failed Reaganomic "trickle-down" theory operating on the premise that monetary breaks to companies will produce new jobs. As for the reduced taxes for registered Republicans, it is an unbelievable act of hubris by a president with elephant balls.
In addition to the expected backlash by Democrats, the president was dismayed to find some moderate Republicans among critics of the plan. Early response to the idea called initial figures for a $700 billion tax cut too high, and though the president regained some support by lowering the projection to $350 billion, there are still some moderates calling it bad timing for additional tax cuts.
"Don't get me wrong, I could use that tax cut pretty bad," said Ohio Sen. George Voinovich, a leading opponent to the Bush plan, "but we're heading into belt-tightening times, we're looking at a $2 trillion deficit. Just so the president knows, 'deficit' is the one that means we owe that much. As for the tax cuts for Republicans, I don't even know if that's constitutional… but either way, we need to be paying off our huge debts before we start giving money away again."
Like other Bush critics, Voinovich is pointing to the expenses raised by Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the airline bail out following the incidents, the $100 billion Iraq war, and the projected $600 billion rebuilding cost for Iraq, all of which have turned the estimated surplus over 10 years into a deficit.
Though Voinovich agreed political rifts were dangerous to Republican solidarity, the senator felt that opposing President Bush on the tax issue wouldn't hurt his long-term relationship with the White House.
"I will stick to my beliefs on the issue to best serve my conscience, and I'm sure the president will do the same. It is characteristic of our respect for each other to voice our disagreements."
The interview with Voinovich was cut short as masked men rushed in through doors and windows to strap the senator to his couch. The men then proceeded to wallop Voinovich with black socks filled with bars of soap, their silence countered with the senator's high-pitched shrieks of pain and tearful crying.
The White House would not comment on the hazing, only that they hoped Voinovich would see the wisdom of the Bush tax cut before any more pain was inflicted.
"It is vital and important to our economy that we encourage growth in the public sector," said the president, or someone sounding like Bush while the president moved his lips. "Statistics we've funded show that tax cuts to corporations produce that kind of job creation. As for the tax breaks for registered Republicans, I can't tell you what's partisan or what's vote-buying. What is important is that it is imperative to our administration's long-term plans that I get elected in 2004. These tax cuts are designed for that purpose." the commune news is proud to be registered as an independent, and sex offender. Lil Duncan is the commune's White House correspondent and is no stranger to offending with sex either.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 April 28, 2003 Sierra Mistthe commune's Homer VanSlyke is lost in the supermarket, only not like the Clash song I for one miss the good old days when you could go to the store and know what the hell you were buying. Back then, there were two brands of everything: the kind you bought and the kind your no-class neighbors from Philly would buy because they didn't know any better. They'd save two cents and end up with garbage bags that were water soluble and dog food that was made from lawn clippings.
In those days, it was always easy to tell which brand was which. The good stuff had some smiling white guy with a butchwax haircut on the box. Nice. The other one always had a genie or some shit on it, a laughing monkey. And the crap products always had dead give-away names like Chintz or Uncle Otto's Screwjob.
Nowadays, you don't know what to buy. There are over 800 different kin...
º Last Column: Dolphin Heaven
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I for one miss the good old days when you could go to the store and know what the hell you were buying. Back then, there were two brands of everything: the kind you bought and the kind your no-class neighbors from Philly would buy because they didn't know any better. They'd save two cents and end up with garbage bags that were water soluble and dog food that was made from lawn clippings.
In those days, it was always easy to tell which brand was which. The good stuff had some smiling white guy with a butchwax haircut on the box. Nice. The other one always had a genie or some shit on it, a laughing monkey. And the crap products always had dead give-away names like Chintz or Uncle Otto's Screwjob.
Nowadays, you don't know what to buy. There are over 800 different kinds of crackers alone. I just want something to put in my mouth, I don't know if I want it stone-ground or not. And half the boxes have Catdog on them, whatever the hell that is. I don't know if that's the modern-day equivalent of the laughing monkey or not. They should've at least kept the butchwax guy on the good crackers, so we'd at least be able to tell what a Catdog means.
You can forget about buying cereal, too, unless you fancy pulling out your eyeballs through your own ass right there in the grocery aisle. Half the boxes aren't even cereal, they're boobytraps filled with leprechauns and all kinds of silly horseshit. At least the bad ones are easy to avoid, as I've never felt comfortable buying cereal from the Irish.
When I was a boy, there were two different kinds of pop: brown pop and water. And if you knew what the hell you were doing, you ordered the brown pop. Water was for the stupid kids who didn't know the difference, they gave that out so as not to waste the brown pop on idiots.
Nowadays you can go into a restaurant and just make up the name of a pop, and chances are they'll have something called that. I haven't been stumped yet, though I do enjoy the challenge. Words to the wise: steer clear of Anal Route Soda and Crampman's Best, those two colas are particularly vile.
And what in the hell is "Sierra Mist" anyway? It sounds like a bad camping euphemism for when a raccoon pisses on your car.
"Shit, it looks like a couple of jellyfish fucked all over the hood of my Omni!"
"No way dude, that's just the Sierra Mist."
"Fuck you, Kenny, next time we're taking your car."
If things keep up at this pace, in a few years we'll each have our own line of products that we're obligated to buy. That may sound like fun to you, but with my luck they'd assign me a cereal with raisins in it. And I hate raisins. Even more so than grapes.
If that's the future, you can have it. º Last Column: Dolphin Heavenº more columns | 
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Milestones1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.Now HiringYou. Seeking dedicated, hard-working you of moderate intelligence to engage in commune reading, web-surfing, and other you-centered activities. Payment and benefits to be based on experience.Who Let the Dogs Out?| 1. | Mom | | 2. | Dog Catcher Trainee | | 3. | Scrubs | | 4. | Possibly Me, Though I'm Not Admitting to It | | 5. | PETA | |
|   Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s BY roland mcshyster 4/28/2003 Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly...
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater because trust me, you won't be there for the movies. Let's take a look under the hood.
In Theaters
Anger Management
Is there any specific reason they give Adam Sandler a different name for every movie he's in? It must have something to do with keeping the writers happy, like they'd feel too constrained if they had to just give up the ghost and call his "character" Adam Sandler every time. It certainly doesn't help Sandler's fans, who are constantly turning to each other during his movies and having conversations like:
"Wait a minute, why do they keep calling Adam Sandler 'Barry'?"
"I don't know dude, watch and find out."
This latest flick is more of the same, though Sandler may have finally met his match in always-acting-the-same virtuoso Jack Nicholson. Strangely enough, Nicholson's character in the film isn't named Jack either, so I guess he's still harboring the same delusions after all these years.
Thankfully Jack at least provides us visual clues so we know we're not watching Sophie's Choice, because in this movie he wears a different hat. I think more actors should try this; George Clooney could really expand his range if he'd put on a sombrero every once in a while.
As for the film itself, it's your standard "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy leaves giant dildo formed out of cheetos on girl's doorstep at night" picture, spiced up by a little rhyming dialogue. You could do worse, especially if you think Jamie Kennedy is funny.
Bulletproof Monkey
Looks like that voodoo priestess I paid to keep Sean William Scott out of any more movies has failed me yet again. Here he plays the annoying little monkey of the title, who steals Chow Yun-Fat's Asian accent, making it tough for him to find work in any half-assed knockoffs of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The resulting film is sort of like a cross between Kangaroo Jack and having your girlfriend leave you for Bob Denver. It's better than Iron Monkey, the Beastie Boys' Brass Monkey and Pauley Shore's Ass Monkey, but that's kind of like saying getting kicked in the face is better than getting kicked in the taint.
Holes
Though they have probably the worst name ever for a teenage girl group (despite stiff competition from B*Witched and Gynotopia), Holes have always charmed with their angst-free songs about being young and spoiled. Was that enough to justify a feature-length film? Of course not, but nobody really believed the caning of the Spice Girls in Singapore was really going to be the deterrent that kept some soulless hack trying to pull this crap again. The supporting cast of John "Must've Had Sex with Some Kind of Goddess to Produce Angelina Jolie" Voight and Segourney "No Matter How You Spell My Name It Still Doesn't Look Right" Weaver keep the proceedings mildly respectable while Holes travels around the world trying to discover why some people are ugly. If this movie were a beverage, it would be a can full of air, but it's not like the target audience has ever heard of thinking.
House of 1000 Islands
Rob Zombie's obviously a big fan of salad dressing, and it shows in this reverent homage to many of the masters of the medium. Throughout the film you'll see people eating salads with blue cheese, Italian vinaigrette, honey mustard, all the big names. There's kind of a tacked-on horror angle to the picture where the guy running the restaurant is really making the dressing out of kidnapped cheerleaders and surplus members of boy bands, but I wouldn't get too wrapped up in that side of the film. If you like watching people eat salad, you'll like this movie.
Identity
Look, unless David Lynch in involved, I just don't accept "the Hamburgler did it" as the resolution to any film. Sorry. I was willing to let the film try again to get it right, but it just ended instead, so piss on this movie. Yeah, sure, I'll stare at John Cusack for two hours, because I'm in a good mood and I already bought a soda. I'll even buy Ray Liotta in a role where he doesn't have a coke problem, sure. But the whole strangers in a room/lights go out/a woman screams/lights go up and--somebody fucked the cat!--angle is just tired. Been done too many times, and it was done better the last time I played Clue. They should have blamed it all on the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Nobody ever sees that one coming.
And that's all we've go to report as of right now. Word on the street is that there are several more crappy movies in production as… we… speak… so we'll have the latest on those as soon as they crap themselves into the theater. If you're like me, you hope to develop a drinking problem before then, to ease the pain. Best of luck to both of us. Bottoms up America!    |
