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March 31, 2003   
Shit sandwich
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Officials Report Ass-Rape of Iraq Going Well

Early setbacks inconsequential in overall sodomy plan
March 31, 2003
Washington, DC
Cody 'Deathwish' Weisbaum
No worries, phallic attack is thrusting forward as planned
A
mid reports of increasing U.S. casualties and slowed progress against Iraqi military targets, U.S. officials have made public assurances that the ass-rape of Iraq is proceeding according to schedule.

"U.S. Forces have penetrated Iraq's supple, moist labia of forces and are thrusting toward Baghdad as we speak," confided a disturbingly lusty Gen. Harold Jonas. "We're confident we'll have this bitch putting out by the end of the month."

However, critics of U.S. military planning, including several Gulf War veterans, have suggested that ground forces should have been fortified with at least one more big-dicked Army division before the attacks began.

"The U.S. is coming in like Frasier's wimpy brother Niles, when we should be coming in like Ron fuckin' ...Read more...

U.S. Suspects Double is Standing in for Hussein

March 31, 2003
Washington, DC
JUNIOR BACON & ZENIT
Possible dictator brother Elmo Hussein, reading a grocery list in front of Iraq’s finest shower curtains
U
.S. intelligence experts have raised questions as to the authenticity of a videotaped speech featuring Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, which aired on Iraqi television only hours after missile attacks aimed at killing the dictator rocked a suburban Baghdad neighborhood. Iraqi officials point to the tape as proof that Hussein was not killed by the thousands of pounds of explosives that had been satellite-locked on his individual navel hairs in the attack, contrary to U.S. and British claims.

Intelligence analysts suggest that the man appearing as Saddam is actually Hussein’s double, a look-alike decoy known to be used by the dictator for certain unsavory public appearances and on particularly bad hair days. Off the record, at least one high-ranking U.S. intelligence intern beli...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



March 31, 2003
Click for Biography

Venereal Ice

"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."

I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they might think they know, and they may even tell you so, but they don't got no proof. That's what counts. So I try to stay out of politics. And public swimming pools.

It's amazing more people don't catch diseases from public swimming pools. All those people swimming around in the same lukewarm water with each other, spitting and blowing snot and peeing. It's like venereal soup or something. Which might not be too bad, actually, if you threw in some mushrooms. I love mushrooms.

I got tuberculosis or something from ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”

-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054
Fortune 500 Cookie
Now's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.

Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore
1.It’s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippin’ Dots franchise at the same time
2.You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she don’t work there no more
4.Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.You never loved us
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Operation Enduring Freedom Wins Best Adapted Screenplay

View Past Columns
BY zanzibar mcnally
3/31/2003
Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah,
for charging me
this late fee, Blockbuster.
The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi
will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster.
And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube:
I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas
for trying to sell me bullshit every time
I turn around or scratch my ass.

The Dripping Testicle of Mosumbanc…
oh shit, that one's too good to spoil it.
I think I'll save that for Citibank
for calling while I'm on the toilet.

The Yestrambrudi Oldamthan,
which makes one's scrotum tender,
I save for my cocksucking mailman.
That should return his shit to sender.

The Curse of Shazit Amanull
is just what the doctor ordered
for that bitch who...Read more...