ast-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by popular opinion, with degrees of variation on the exact time and date, March 17 being the earliest estimation and March 19 the latest.

The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accordance with resolutions Iraq signed after cessation of the Gulf War, also known as "Bush Vs. Iraq: Round 1" among funnier members of the staff.

The preceding week brought the tension to full as Bush, responding to the irritation of the American people, announced a March 17 deadline for Iraq to disarm its real or imaginary weapons and the administration haggled with opposing members of the U.N. security counsel for approval to the deadline. As Saddam Hussein had yet to meet the ambiguous guidelines of the deadline date, it is 99.9% probable that the United States felt no recourse but to begin war with Iraq on March 17.

All signs point to elongated periods of carpet bombings of marked Iraqi weapons sites, with claims of civilian casualties by Iraq already supposedly rising as the U.S. undoubtedly insisted all targets are verified as weapons facilities. If all goes according to military plans established months ago, bombing most likely will cease around March 19 as troops move in for implied ground war.

Though U.S. opinion will be mixed, the majority of Americans will most likely support the war with the assumption its unpatriotic to disagree in a time of war. After weeks of continued warfare with reassurance from the president U.S. troops are making progress in their goals, the larger population will tire of the war news and urge the president to resolve the whole mess quicker, sparking claims that while Saddam Hussein has presumably not been removed from power, objectives to locate and disarm weapons as a greater goal have been successful, and Saddam Hussein can be hobbled permanently by sanctions and treaties.

Without a doubt, the price tag for the war will have dug the United States deeper into debt and made the outlook for the economy bleaker, which the Democratic candidates for the presidency will jump on despite their expressions of approval for the war during its time. As jobs disappear and wages continue to drop, the approval rating for the Bush administration will reach all-time lows, despite achieving near-record highs during late 2001 to early 2003. All attempts to turn attention to domestic issues will come too late and Americans will join in bitter debates with each other as the country probably grows even more divisive, yet in an extremely close presidential election in 2004 the as-yet-unnamed Democratic candidate will win the electoral college vote by a significant margin, while the disparity in the popular vote, while still in his or her favor, will be much closer.

Theoretical details of long-term side-effects of American soldiers exposed to the irradiated munitions of their weapons could not be hypothesized at press time. Further information will come as clearer patterns of repetition emerge.

eorgia senator Zell Miller brought a congressional debate over the judicial nomination of Miguel Estrada to a screeching halt Tuesday, pitching a spectacular tantrum that left members of the Senate shaken and, if they were from the South, in denial of being from the South. Beating a wooden spoon on an empty coffee can, Miller called for attention and proceeded to deliver a rambling diatribe, punctuated by numerous down-homeisms and analogies involving coon hunting, which some believe was in protest of CBS's proposed reality show The Real Beverly Hillbillies. Full translated texts of the outburst were not available as of press time, as all known hillrods in the area had gone fishin'.

The controversial senator, known for attending congressional meetings barefoot and wearing a straw hat with denim overalls, has been barred from several debates in recent months for inappropriate bursts of banjo strumming and repeatedly not speaking English.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as a proud hillbilly let me say this: shame on you, CBS!
I don't know what they letters stands for but they Can't Be Serious! CBS as a network Coulda Been Somethin' but gone hafta settle for Caught Bein' Sneaks! Cause we of the hillbilly persuasion, and in that I speak for myself and others I know, ain't gonna let them get away with this crackerjack for one more minute!"

"Oh, Christ. Who let him out of his box?" whispered the unfortunately named Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. "There must not be any auto racing on today."

"Too long has hillbillies like myself, and remember I can say hillbilly because I am that, but you best don't, cause it's offensive and will get you a slapped mouth, but we the people have too long been the backside of popular humor at our expenses," continued Sen. Miller. "Offensive comic strips like Snuffy Smith and Lil Abner is just one example. Except for that one where Snuffy gets his foot caught in a beaver den, that was a hoot and a hollar."

"Good lord," groaned Tennessee senator Bill Frist. "At least he left his damned dogs at home this time."

As if on cue, four mangy hound dogs burst loudly into the Senate chamber at that moment and ran around the floor, barking and smelling things. The dogs had to be corralled by Sen. Miller, who offered them bits of raw pork from his pockets.

The proposed CBS show that started the ruckus would have been an update of the popular 60's sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies, only featuring real hillbillies in real danger.

"All throughout hist'ry there has been people who needed to look down on someone as less than theyselves, and the hillbillies next door have long been such a convenient target. No more, gents! The dignity of mountain people shall never again be trampled on by anyonest but theyselves."

"I know he's a Georgia man," confided Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "But I'm telling you… He must've had some serious absentee votes from West Virginia or something. Because damn."

Florida governor Jeb Bush appeared and provided a quote without being prompted. "South? No, Florida's not part of the South. Who told you that? Florida's not really the South. I mean, yes, geographically it is south of some states, but inbred retard speaking, we're not really 'the South' at all. Florida has a large relocated population, and the simple fact of the matter is we have way too many Jews to be considered part of the South. Jews and the South don't mix; they're like Kurds and Wheys. Scientific fact. And yes, I admit to being from Texas, but that's beside the point. As everyone knows Texas is its own nation, like the District of Columbia."

Debate continued on the Senate floor over who was really from the South, while Sen. Miller led his dogs to a rusted-out pickup truck parked on the front lawn of the Capitol.

"Read me my rights, pig. Then read me Lady Chatterly's Lover, but just skip to the dirty parts."

I read this funny book and I've been telling everybody about it. I haven't read all of it, just parts of it, really. Okay, one part. And everybody's telling me it's a newspaper, not a book, but you can't brag about reading a newspaper so I say book. But it was still really funny, like a book. There was this cat and he's trying to eat lasagna and—hey, I don't want to give it away. E-mail me if you want to read it and maybe we'll form one of those Oprah clubs or something.

If I don't read books, it's not my fault. I've given it an honest effort, but they always start the book off with this really boring information about who wrote it and who it was published by, and a "c" in a circle and then the year and… see? I fell asleep while I was typing it and fell out of my chair and broke my nose. Imagine being one of those people who actually finished a whole book without skipping around.

My friend Richie Castro has written 26 books over the years, the guy is a dynamo. He makes each book two pages or less 'cause he thinks all that plotting, pacing, and drawing out of the characters is bullshit. Richie writes "the real meat," like he says it. His next book will be done soon and it tells the story of how his girlfriend, this double-timing bitch-whore who dyes her hair, she was two-timing him behind his back and sleeping around with his cousin and then ends up running off with the guy, even though he's got no job. Actually, that was the whole book so I guess I saved you from having to buy it. Richie's going to be pissed.

My dad used to read to me before he died—or faked his own death and disappeared, my mom still can't prove either one. Dad would read to me from record jacket liner notes since there were always plenty of them on hand. It's a shame dad and me didn't get more time together in the end. One of these days I'm going to have to find a copy of Lionel Richie's self-titled album and see who else he thanked. But every time I hear "Truly" I'm going to think of dad.

I would recommend reading to your kids, I think that's a good thing. I plan on doing it myself some day. Maybe you could send me an e-mail and we'll schedule a time when I can come over, and if you got the books that's even better since I only have a copy of Michael Jackson's Thriller and it's a little hard to get through—that guy thanks a lot of people, even his brothers, all by name. I wish I had a brother so then I could make an album and thank him for being there for me, but he'd probably end up being more Marlon than Jermaine.

The nice thing about reading newspapers is they put the important parts in the biggest type, so you can read them and know what you need to know, but they also put that real small type there so you can pretend you're reading that and looking smart. People are really, really impressed when I tell them I read 15 newspapers a day. E-mail me and I'll tell you other things that are really impressive and then tell you how I'm able to do them without working hard.

Basically what I'm saying is I want e-mail.

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