ports fans were surprised by this week's announcement that Emmitt Smith would not return to the Dallas Cowboys for another season. Cowboys management and affiliates were quick to say Smith's talents were not diminishing, and the prime factor in their consideration was the running back's $9.8 million salary. However, some are pointing a finger to Smith's life off the field as the real cause.

"Everyone is more than a little curious about his relationship with ALF," said an anonymous Cowboy, dressed as a cowboy. "We're not suggesting there's more to it than it seems, but c'mon—it's weird. If it were that guy from Max Headroom or Morton Downey, Jr., it would be strange, but nobody would really think twice. Is it '80s nostalgia? What's going on there?"

Others are also alluding to Emmitt Smith's alleged friendship with '80s celebrity/puppet alien ALF as a trouble spot that turned Cowboys management against him. Smith and the puppet met on the set of a long-distance phone commercial last year and have reportedly been close friends since. Many close acquaintances of both insist the two share an innocent friendship, attending sporting events, barbecues, and enjoying movie rental marathons together; but as a high-profile sports celebrity in a country where human-puppet relationships are under close scrutiny, some say Smith has left too much unsaid for the comfort of many sports fans.

"Everybody's wondering about Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith and 4-foot sitcom hairball ALF!" reported a recent gossip-column we copied word for word. "They claim it's all just fun, but you can't believe everything ALF says! When was the last time you saw a four-time All-Pro and Super Bowl MVP bar-hopping with a cat-eating Muppet? You can forgive our curiosity, I'm sure!"

While some would feel better with clarification from Smith or his felt cohort, others insist it isn't public business.

"Whatever Emmitt and Grover do by themselves is their business," said Cowboy quarterback Quincy Carter. "He's a stand-up guy and one of the best players in the NFL. That thing he hangs out with gives me the creeps, yeah, and I want to punch its face in when it tells me to dial 10-10-321, but none of that makes a difference when you need a first-class running back. They never should have let him go."

In a phone interview, someone claiming to be ALF attempted to set the record straight.

"This is ridiculous, and everyone knows it," said the Melmackian. "Why would anyone sign up for one of those outrageous programs and be obligated to pay premium prices when they could dial 10-10-321 from anywhere and save major bucks on long-distance? All calls for 7 cents a minute, no weird schedules to remember, no hidden charges! That's a lot of money you can save—and that's a lot of cats!"

The phone was suddenly cut off after the sound of a door being broken open, and the heavy sound of punching ensued, leading us to believe Carter had broken in and made good on his threat to punch the puppet's face in.

orth Korean leader and Roy Orbison impersonator Kim Jong Il broke the crazy-o-meter this week with claims that U.S. spy planes were provoking war by taking photos of covert military operations and attempting to acquire nude pictures of him in the shower.

Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.

When asked for comment, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer responded: "You want a comment? Come on, people. This is one of those rare instances where you can't possibly expect me to put any spin on the situation. Kim Jong Il certainly has interesting ideas about what our technology is capable of. Just in case he's monitoring our media sources, I will state for the record: This administration has no interest in seeing Mr. Jong Il naked. Under any circumstances, in any setting."

Despite the White House's claims, Kim Jong Il may be able to present proof of his accusations. A search of Google for "chubby Korean man nude shower" revealed quite a number of pictures, any of whom could have been Kim Jong Il.

According to Rodong Sinmun, the voice of the North Korean government, "Americans seek to shame the Korean people and its leader. To see people naked is the only American goal. Elaborate high-tech spy plane will attempt nude picture collection of the great Kim Jong Il, then post him for all to see on billboard Internet, to much laughter, shame, and masturbation. Once Americans feel superior all Koreans will be pictured naked on world wide webs."

Consulted about the accusations, Pentagon officials unequivocally stated the charges were ludicrous.

"Trust me," said Gen. Anvill Poke, "the technology to see people naked, especially through walls, is extremely far off in the future and not a focus of any of our weapons development plans. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm even answering this—what kind of newspaper are you from again? Look, if we had the capability to see through walls and take pictures of people naked why would we go to North Korea? Personally, I'd find the address of that girl from J.A.G. and do a few hundred passes over that house."

University of Tennessee Anthropology professor Kristin Blakebobber described the North Korean mentality: "These people are not all that different from us—they merely lack information about the world outside. To them, a very private and nationalistic people, this seems like a particularly egregious insult by the United States, if proven true. They already believe our country despises theirs for their way of life and would like to destroy them. Given their respect for concealing the body and modesty, Kim Jong Il is using a phobia and an existing mistrust to stir the anti-U.S. sentiment of his entire nation. If they believe his accusations, they will follow him in whatever stance he takes against the Western world."

While it was very interesting information, Blakebobber was asked to leave the office and not barge in while the reporters are working; she was told she would be contacted by us when we wanted a quote, and left without incident.

As a public service, I've decided to dedicate this installment of the column to clearing up some popular misconceptions that have persevered over the years, due to superstition and our lame-duck public education system. You're welcome. It's important both to have an informed society, and for people to stop asking me this crap when I'm trying to wash my car. So let's take a look:

Pizza was invented by the Chinese.
Okay, this one is just stupid. Ever try to order a pizza from a Chinese food place? I rest my case. This rumor was started by McDonalds back when pizza delivery started to get really popular. Their business was hurting, so they started spreading the rumor that pizza was Chinese, not Italian, playing off of the public's ingrained mistrust of the Chinese. After all, if pizza was Chinese, it could have all kinds of crazy stuff in the sauce that white people don't even understand. Better to trust the Italians, I suppose, and their penchant for putting boiled pig assholes in everything. It's somewhat surprising that this myth caught on, considering that all Chinese food is pretty much devoid of cheese, but I guess it follows the truism that the biggest lies are the easiest to believe.

Dogs can't eat chocolate.
Another bullshit claim, dogs love chocolate. Fat women shouldn't eat chocolate, but it's fine for dogs. The only time dogs shouldn't each chocolate is when they're on the couch, as chocolate stains are really hard to get out. So, I suppose if you've got a show dog that stains easily, you might not want to give him chocolate. Or at least put on a bib or something. On the dog, you're free to wear what you want. This is another excellent reason to pick dogs in brown or other colors that don't show dirt, or to get your dogs scotchguarded when they're puppies.

Cats always land on their feet.
This is true only in isolated situations, like when cats are wearing cement booties or have just been shot through a huge industrial fan. If, for example, you throw a cat out of a moving speedboat, it will land like this: feet, head, back… feet, head, back… feet, head, back. This myth comes to us from cat lovers, who actually love nothing more than pretending that their cats love them back. They love to spread stories about how smart and talented their cats are, despite all evidence to the contrary. Kind of like people with kids. The only time I've ever seen a cat land on its feet was when it fell out of a Great Dane's ass.

George Washington had wooden teeth.
A popular misconception originating from a lack of understanding of the English language of that day. Back then, saying someone had wooden teeth was just a funny way of saying their breath was stank. And Washington's breath was so bad as to defy explanation. Some historians have suggested that Washington's teeth were actually made of Roquefort cheese, a strong possibility given the poor dental science of the day. When someone had a toothache back then, the "dentist" would knock out all his teeth with a pistol grip, so as to allow all of the bad humors to escape through the patient's gum-holes. He would then fashion replacement teeth out of whatever he had handy, using everything from marbles to dice to live beetles tied down with string. This is the reason you never see any of the founding fathers smiling in their dollar bill portraits; they didn't want the money to scare children.

When you fall off a cliff in a dream, if you hit the ground before you wake up you will die for real.
This is a popular one that many parents tell to their children, and for good reason. In actuality, if you hit the ground in the dream you'll most likely just shit the bed. But you won't die unless there's someone in the bed with you who takes violent offense at being shit on. Bed-shitting has long been the bane of parents everywhere, and the primary reason I will never have children. Thankfully, this misconception has been an effective tool for parents in cutting down the cliff-falling-dream variety of bed-shitting in recent years. Kids having dreams about clowns, however, is still the nation's leading cause of ruined twin-sized mattresses.

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