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Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster March 3, 2003 |
Released shuttle footage reveals the band, unscheduled to perform on the shuttle Columbia, gearing up for possible drum solo.
Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene.
“We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band G...
irl, as if it wasn’t bad enough clubbing’s been more dangerous lately than before they invented the AIDS cocktail, now they found the reason Columbia lit up the sky with their name. And it’s a phrase you’ve heard more than once: Cock rock is responsible. Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene. “We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band Great White in the aft part of the cockpit. They were in the midst of a first encore, possibly a second, as the craft was approaching its landing perimeter.” When asked what Great White was doing aboard the shuttle, wise-ass Hucksnell said NASA believes it was “Rock Me.” Since the announcement, speculation has been thick as to how Great White got aboard the shuttle, why they were playing a set during landing, and how they successfully escaped the shuttle blast to successfully destroy Rhode Island’s night life more than a week later. “Great White was playing at my club in Jersey shortly afterwards. They used their dangerous pyrotechnics without knowledge of management or any warning to anyone, despite being informed it was against fire safety laws,” said New Jersey night club owner Gary “I Tol’ Ya So” Maxwell. NASA insiders say early opinion is the video footage is genuine, though it was being closely studied to see if it was a prank by Internet jokesters or jealous Winger supporters. At press time, Great White fans were being sought to help NASA I.D. the band, particularly to distinguish them from Warrant, Slaughter, Whitesnake, and any other groups often mistaken for the quintet. Experts were not yet prepared to rule out Mr. Big or Firehouse, though neither band has been seen since the early 1990s. Shuttle design expert and metalhead Garth Study offered explanations. “If it were Kiss or Iron Maiden or a metal band with some degree of mystic power, you could easily theorize how they escaped a shuttle disaster to be seen shortly afterward, uninjured and completely intact,” said Study, brushing peroxide-blond hair from his sunglassed eyes. “But Great White’s only known power was the ability to rock the house. And they had a hell of a stage show! But I guess that’s kinda inappropriate to bring up now. I would place money on it being a Great White cover band, but the fault in that theory is there are none. The space shuttle has no escape pods and all blast re-enactment programs can’t pinpoint any scenarios for survival of anyone, especially a Robert Plant-esque vocalist, a twin-guitar assault team, and tight rhythm section. It’s mathematically mind-boggling.” Estimates are that if Great White can be proven culpable in the shuttle disaster as well, their total body count for 2003 would exceed one hundred. They would officially surpass Black Sabbath as the heavy metal band who killed more people, though Sabbath would still hold the record for encouraged suicides and Satanic sacrifices. the commune news also laments the loss of ‘80s hard rock—ten years go by and all of a sudden wearing a leather vest is gay. Stigmata Spent is perfectly comfortable with her sexual orientation, and would like to invite you and your cute friend to also become comfortable with it later on.
 |  Hi-fi release packed with extra threats, other bonuses February 17, 2003 |
Vizzlebad, Qatar Cia Dvd Release Dept. Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available?
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
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he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
The DVD release, containing anamorphic widescreen 1.66:1 picture and DTS 5.1 stereo audio, contained the same basic release as the VHS with a much sharper picture. In addition to the improved presentation, including animated menus, CIA and FBI analysts were particularly looking forward to examining the special features. Included among the 3 hours of additional material were 15 minutes of deleted scenes, "blooper" outtakes, extended fatwa sequences, original production stills and Al-Jazeera press materials, biographies for bin Laden and leading Al-Qaeda leaders, "teaser" trailers for future terrorist attacks, original unreleased statements believed to be bin Laden's first video statement work, and a "Find Osama!" DVD-Rom game.
The real prize, according to Intelligence experts, was the revealing commentary track with bin Laden, Producer Izat Al-Fatid, and Director Mike Conroy.
"We've learned more about Al-Qaeda and their methods from this DVD than any previous efforts," said CIA Press Secretary Kel Mattthews. "And more importantly, I think we get valuable insight in what terrorism means to bin Laden. We're finally seeing the man behind the dogmatic rants."
Matthews suggests the commentary paints a picture of a hardline Muslim with dreams of making himself a tool for Allah, restoring Islam to its rightful place as the leading world religion; it dispels previous notions, according to Matthews, of bin Laden being an ego-maniacal sellout strictly in it for the money and the martyrdom.
"I am not out to make a name for myself," bin Laden says in a recorded segment from the DVD passed on to reporters. "I'm out to make Allah famous. If you're doing it just to kill or to make yourself notorious, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it strictly for the art. The art of religious terrorism."
Besides giving some insight as to how Al-Qaeda potential terrorists are selected and screened, other inside information is revealed by the commentary. For example, bin Laden made the tape from a mansion in Saudi Arabia while on his vacation, and a nearby cave set from a Saudi television show was used to maintain the authentic "Al-Qaeda" feel. Producer Al-Fatid also reveals he and bin Laden had been up extremely late the night before and had head colds, and neither could keep a straight face as bin Laden continually mispronounced "infidels."
Central Intelligence announced they believe, if the DVD and tape can be proven to be Osama bin Laden, it will aid in their efforts to capture the fugitive terrorist and reduce terrorism by Al-Qaeda. They hope before that happens, though, he will record commentary for his earlier, more popular tape releases for their DVD debut. the commune news is now prepared to admit the laserdisc will not overtake the VHS cassette as they previously predicted. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and somehow managed to burn himself while covering this story on one of the only remaining Kuwaiti oil fires from the Gulf War.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 March 3, 2003 I've Met the Alleged Woman of My DreamsYou've caught me on cloud nine, good people! With my pants down. But I assure you I was just scratching it. I can't be distracted by masturbation and not even depressed by the implication—Rok Finger may have met the possible woman of his dreams!
I'm not getting too ahead of myself, I guarantee you. I'm not saying this is the woman I'm going to marry, or I'm sure it's a woman. But I've met a very charming, loving, supportive possible woman and I can't wait to find out more about her/him. Hopefully her. Not to put all my eggs in one basket, but I haven't been this in love with a woman (hopefully) since my late wife Arvelyn. That bitch was never on time.
And Molga is punctual! For six days in a row I showed up on time in the chat room and she was there, just when...
º Last Column: Rok's Gotta Have It
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You've caught me on cloud nine, good people! With my pants down. But I assure you I was just scratching it. I can't be distracted by masturbation and not even depressed by the implication—Rok Finger may have met the possible woman of his dreams!
I'm not getting too ahead of myself, I guarantee you. I'm not saying this is the woman I'm going to marry, or I'm sure it's a woman. But I've met a very charming, loving, supportive possible woman and I can't wait to find out more about her/him. Hopefully her. Not to put all my eggs in one basket, but I haven't been this in love with a woman (hopefully) since my late wife Arvelyn. That bitch was never on time.
And Molga is punctual! For six days in a row I showed up on time in the chat room and she was there, just when she said she'd be. We talked and talked and talked the night away! Conversation with Molga was like conversation with myself! But half the work. She's every bit as confident, traditional, paranoid, and angry as I am. It's like I've met myself, with breasts. Hopefully breasts. They look like breasts in the picture.
Yes, I've seen her face—and I'm a believer. I believe in love, like only a miniature, stodgy, past-his-prime man in love can believe! She's not classically lovely, like the Sphinx, but her nose has been worn off by time in the same fashion. She has a beautiful, large brow, heavy reddish cheeks like two slabs of raw pork, and a smile as big as her heart and as wide as her neck. Oh, if she's a woman, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! That's what I told myself when I first saw her and I'm sticking to that.
For Molga and I it was love at first sight of her typeface. She was a lovely Times New Roman, I, a stern-but-sensitive Arial, yet we instantly recognized the extreme disgust for hippies and slackers in each other's words. We were drawn to each other across a crowded room, like two strangers wearing magnetic helmets and metal breastplates. From that first day we talked about our mutual disinterests and everything that should be wiped from the face of the earth with fire or genetic manipulation. Molga! The name just rolls off your lips, after tenderizing your tongue and busting out your front teeth.
For all my bitterness and black-hearted cynicism for the past few months, I have to admit, the Beatles were right: Everybody's got something to hide but me and my monkey. And my monkey is Molga. We're in love and want the world to know it, except for her boyfriend and family.
So Molga said we'll celebrate our one-week anniversary by meeting each other in person. She hopped a plane and is on the way to visit me here in the United States right this minute! Oh, how I pray for her quick arrival, and for her to be a woman. Once again I'm not entirely sure of the fact, but I have reasonable faith it is the case.
I asked the new commune stock Russian, Boris, if he knew Molga at all, since she is from the Ukraine. He speaks very little English, even less when you sneak up on him at the urinal, but I didn't garner as much that he's never met her. I figured it was a long shot, Russia's probably twice as big as Utah, if my map is any indicator. I did get that "Molga" translates as some kind of unusual fairy tale creature, that much I could gather. I'll have to ask her about it when she arrives; the best Boris could explain with his broken English was the word "Yeti."
Oh, Molga! I'll count the hours until you arrive! Especially if they have a "Delivered in 10 hours or your ride is free" policy of some sort. º Last Column: Rok's Gotta Have Itº more columns | 
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Milestones1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.Now HiringCompulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.Top Pants-Missing Explanations| 1. | Busted out Hulk-style | | 2. | Told one lie too many | | 3. | Busted out Louie Anderson-style | | 4. | What, aren't you hot? | | 5. | Talked out of them by gay Casanova | | 6. | Made ass look big | | 7. | Donated to killer mandroid from future | | 8. | Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986 | | 9. | Sat in ham | | 10. | You kidding? Pants are so 2002 | |
|   America's Stoners on 'Extremely High' Alert BY roland mcshyster 2/17/2003 Howdy, America, and greetings from the land of prepaid calling cards. What could be more convenient than dialing eight thousand digits before making a long distance call? Nothing could! So why don't we all run out and buy an MCI prepaid calling card today? What's that? Well, you do whatever the hell you want; I'm buying a prepaid calling card. When your phone bill comes in the mail and you've got to drive around all night trying to find a place to buy stamps to mail it back in, we'll see who's laughing. Asshole.
Meanwhile, we're here taking a look at the best Hollywood has to offer. But before you say anything too harsh, remember that Hollywood has had a drinking problem for a while now and it's doing the best it can. So let's take a look at what they heaved behind our aza...
Howdy, America, and greetings from the land of prepaid calling cards. What could be more convenient than dialing eight thousand digits before making a long distance call? Nothing could! So why don't we all run out and buy an MCI prepaid calling card today? What's that? Well, you do whatever the hell you want; I'm buying a prepaid calling card. When your phone bill comes in the mail and you've got to drive around all night trying to find a place to buy stamps to mail it back in, we'll see who's laughing. Asshole.
Meanwhile, we're here taking a look at the best Hollywood has to offer. But before you say anything too harsh, remember that Hollywood has had a drinking problem for a while now and it's doing the best it can. So let's take a look at what they heaved behind our azaleas this week:
In Theaters
Cherdevil
The big hoopla this week is obviously about the release of this highly-anticipated comic book geek-out that fans have been waiting for since before they had a favorite brand of pimple cream. The concept is simple enough: Ben "Silver Spoons" Affleck plays a man who's a drag-queening Cher impersonator by day, camel-toed spandex superhero by night. Actually, I think drag queens mostly operate at night, too, so maybe it's the other way around: superhero by day, Cher look-alike by night. This poses an obvious problem, since most criminals operate by night as well, I guess because they're either sleeping or running Fortune 500 companies during the day. So while Affleck's out believing in life after love on the club scene all night, old ladies are getting mugged left and right and somebody's stealing all the dirt from under New York City or whatever. And during the day, all there is to do is catch tax cheats and people that jaywalk and don't tip parking valets. So everybody basically hates the guy, plus his spandex get-up leaves far too little to the imagination, so the parents' groups and gay pride gangs are all after his ass all the time. Luckily he has the fabulous club life to escape to at night, where he's a star and he doesn't have to listen to people complain about how he's the only superhero who doesn't validate parking.
How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days
Another film in the growing trend of weight-loss and diet movies that are becoming increasingly popular these days. While I can't argue against the fact that the market is there, since Americans are so fat the Rocky Mountains keep getting taller every year, I'm not sure how many more of these movies I can sit through. After the early successes of such films as The Dead Zone Diet and You've Got to Fight For Your Right to Eat Right For Your Blood Type, Hollywood has really gone hog wild with a shitty stream of knock-offs: The Schwarzenegger All-Beef Diet, My Big Fat Gross Ass, Steven Seagal Kicks the Shit Out of Carbohydrates andThe Eat Like Ringo Starr in Caveman Diet. This one is more of the same. Matthew McConaughey does a good job acting fat, and then acting not-fat, but I still think he'll lose out on the fat/not-fat Oscar to Rush Limbaugh, who's been making acting fat look effortless for years.
The Jungle Book 2
The gut-wrenching sequel to Upton Sinclair's tell-all book about the meatpacking industry in Chicago is a surprise release from Disney this year. One would think the public outcry after the first film (a harrowing montage of loveable bears, tigers and baboobs being processed into bologna sandwiches) would have scared the company off. Or at least would have convinced them to sell-out on the sequel, making it all about singing roast beefs and the happy times at the meatpacking plant. But you've got to hand it to that giant mouse; he's gone straight for the jugular again with another melee of carnage that'll turn your stool pink. You have to wonder about the product tie-in deals for this movie, though, are kids really going to be clamoring for the McBaloo burger once they realize they're chewing on some loveable singing bear's ass? And as good as the film is, the title really is pretty unforgivably heavy-handed. I hate when they have to beat us over the head with the fact that a movie is adapted from a book, but I guess it's only fair since nobody reads anymore. I hear watching movies that are inspired by books counts for college credits these days, which I think is an improvement on the old system.
Well, that's all they gave us to work with this time around, unless they snuck another teen slasher movie by while nobody was manning the store. We'll be back in two more weeks, just as long as Hollywood keeps pumping out the movies the way Shakey's turns out the pizza: hot 'n nasty.    |
