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April 29, 2002   
No, you're thinking of the other the commune
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Recession Slowed by Gains in Absurd Collectables

Useless shit market saves US economy yet again
April 29, 2002
New York, NY
Junior Bacon
Collectors vie for the chance to purchase expired Grape Nuts
T
he economic hit taken by the US in the wake of Sept 11th has largely been wiped away by huge growth in the absurd collectables market, according to Harvey Rosenblum, president of the National Association for Business Economics.

"While the market for more traditional items, like home computers or appliances, is still weak, new markets for products like misprinted dog food bags and celebrity nerf ball fuzz have been driving the economy for months. A nation shaken by terrorism has been economically buoyed by its passion for truly useless shit," commented Rosenblum on Monday.

Useless collectables have long been a factor in the national economy, with a strong demand for Thomas Kincade paintings, beanie babies and dot-com stocks helping to pull America through the rece...Read more...

Ancient Writings Turn Out to be Gang Graffiti

Cuneiform tags date back 6000 years
April 29, 2002
Shaat-al-Arab, Turkey
Some Kid With A Polaroid
Ancient graffiti sings the praises of the Hanging Garden Boys
A
recent discovery of ancient heiroglyphics in Egypt describing a military victory by the legendary Scorpion King, and believed to be the oldest on record at approximately 5,250 years, has been relegated to runner-up status by a team of archaeologists working for the last four years in this southwest Asian spot where the Tigris joins the Euphrates. The team revealed yesterday that they have uncovered an ancient wall inscribed with primitive cuneiform marks that date back nearly 6000 years, or from about the year 4000 BC.

"We're very excited about this," said team leader Dr. Robert R. "Bob Bob" Clemons. "We've said all along that this is the cradle of modern, recorded civilization, right here, not that wasteland along the Nile. Those Egyptologist bitches can kiss my dusty brown...Read more...




April 29, 2002
Click for Biography

Lee

the commune's Rok Finger gives one word-up to his fans
Good people, whatever I said last week, optimistic it up by about 200%. I am feeling much, much better. Maybe it's the smell of fresh cauliflower cooking on Camembert's stove, maybe it's the neighbors and their loud enunciation of Shakespearian dialogue through the walls. Or maybe it's the fact my disruptive energy has crashed into a train of good vibes, as Lee says, and that's what I'm leaning toward.

Lee has yet to be wrong about things like this. It's Lee's opinion that somewhere along the line, in the past year, I've had a burp of negative karma that has totally blemished my natural green. Why? Quit asking me. Ask Lee. He's the genius that knows all of this stuff.

I just asked Lee and he said he's not quite sure, it could be any number of things. Most likely...Read more...

º Last Column: Win A Dream Date With Camembert
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Quote of the Day
“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”

-Clement B. Doogle
Fortune 500 Cookie
Mama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.


Try again later.
Top Ways to Leave Your Lover
1.Join Al-Qaeda
2.Quit Al-Qaeda
3.Mail self to Shanghai (unless from Shanghai)
4.Singing Dump-o-Gram
5.Blaze of Glory/Blaze of Lies
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Blake Prosecution Adds Co-Defendant to Raise Media Ratings

View Past Columns
BY violet tiara
4/29/2002
The Rickles
The Rickles like tickles
and pickles and pee.
The Zicklers are sticklers
for conformity.
The Mounces eat rayguns,
the Olaffs smoke brie,
Where did they all come from?
Beats the crap out of me.

I once wed a Shloopa
'neath the Caspian moon,
He wooed me with riddles
and Caspian tunes,
His body was tattooed with Caspian runes,
He would have been perfect, 'cept he came too soon.

An Arkk in the dark is a dangerous thing,
And you would just melt to hear a Velt sing,
Leave the phone alone, should a Krooka-crap ring,
Or you might soon find your own butt in a sling.

These things I tell you, not to be bossy,
But rather to guide you like Velma Van Vossy,
Betwix...Read more...