You need a newer browser.

April 15, 2002   
Try our bathtub gin
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Arafat Voted "Hunkiest Palestinian"

Popular boy-band leader wins award for 28th straight year
April 15, 2002
Ramallah, West Bank
Ansel Evans
Arafat poses for an Arab Teen photo shoot
F
or a record 28th year in a row, Yasser Arafat, leader of the mega-popular boy band PLO, has been voted "Hunkiest Palestinian." The award, which often leads to lucrative endorsement deals and speaking engagements, was not unexpected. Mr. Arafat had token opposition from members of PLO-spinoff bands Hamas and Hezbollah, but no one seriously expected any of them to challenge the reigning MC Mullah of the Gaza for the winner's turban this year.

In a cafĂ© here on the West Bank, 16-year-old rock-throwing enthusiast Rajouba Aswan said about Mr. Arafat, "He's the OG, man. He's to die for." Friend Jamil Barghouti, 17, chimed in, while adjusting an explosive-laden vest. "That's right, yo. Yas-Dog – I mean, Mr. Arafat – is da bomb."

Cited by West Bank teenagers as reaso...Read more...

Church Clarifies "No Sex With Kids" Stance

April 15, 2002
Boston, MA
Junior Bacon
Archdeacon Mavis Plum is totally shocked. Really.
I
n the face of countless allegations of sexual misconduct among its priests, including criminal charges of child molestation and the popularity of the high-profile “Catholic Priests Gone Wild” DVD series, the Roman Catholic Church has issued a new public statement clarifying its position on grown men having sex with little kids. And the answer may surprise you: They’re against it.

“I don’t know where people got the idea that the church is all about buggering little kids, maybe we should start covering that a bit more in Sunday school,” said Archdeacon Mavis Plum in a recent interview. “Maybe a new commandment would help, something catchy like ‘Thou shall not pork a preschooler.’ It would certainly help with public relations.”

Other members of th...Read more...




April 15, 2002
Click for Biography

Win A Dream Date With Camembert

the commune's Rok Finger invites you out on the town for charity
Living with Camembert is like renting a room with a large bucket full of sadsack. What a crybaby! All he ever does is sit and mope, or sit and cry, or sit and do anything else. I forgive the sitting, him being in the wheelchair, but the depression has got to go. You don't live with Rok "Big Buzzin' Smile" Finger and wear a frown all the time. My middle name is Fun, the part that isn't "Big Buzzin' Smile," that's more of a self-proclaimed nickname.

In order to get Camembert out on the town and living the high life like yours truly, I'm presenting the first-ever-of-its-kind Rok Finger contest. This is not like my previous event, "Help Find the Boston Strangler," that was more of a police hunt. This is a real-deal contest. The winner, and there can be only one, wins an actual dr...Read more...

º Last Column: The Rok Couple
º more columns







Milestones
1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.
Now Hiring
Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.
Least-Popular Halloween Handouts
1.Jesus Tarts
2.Sock full of pennies
3.Shnuckers; like Snickers, but filled with delicious Shmucker's jam
4.Asked to open bag, close eyes; smart-ass farts into sack
5.Everlasting Never-Ending Irradiated Gobstopper
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Falwell in Domain Name-Buying Frenzy

View Past Columns
BY frank niebaum
4/15/2002
Midnight Snack
All the summer dumplings want to eat me alive,
I get a hostile greeting even before I arrive!
Oh me oh my, I've pissed off the pie!
What an unfortunate fate!
Why'd I have to delve into the custard so late?

Now my gentle dreamland has been turned all amiss,
Not a single baby here to give me a kiss!
No hills made of quilts, no drummers on stilts,
My dreamscape has gone all wrong!
Goodbye to Brahms and hello to this Zydeco song!

Moon, my friend, oh what I'd give to see your wide smile,
Every cake I bite into is filled with a file!
No cow up there jumping, the breastmilk is pumping,
The little dog's barfing up crack!
The spoon is gone, the plate is having a heart attack!

Why'd I have...Read more...