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Irony Bites President Bush in the AssMugabe stole Zimbabwe election, president says with straight face March 18, 2002 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president, still not sure he sees what's so funny.
Mugabe's method of election fraud was with open threats to members of the opposing party, Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change party, and discouraging voters from turning out to cast their vote for the opposition. Violence and blatant electioneering were observed around the country, though no evidence of fixing votes themselves has been brought to light.
The situation echoed the 2000 U.S. presidential election so clearly the irony was apparently visible from the outer spac...
ew were surprised when statements made by President Bush last week invited the bite of irony. The president, frequently less observant of irony in his statements than Alanis Morissette in hers, was attacking Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe for stealing the recent election in his country.
Mugabe's method of election fraud was with open threats to members of the opposing party, Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change party, and discouraging voters from turning out to cast their vote for the opposition. Violence and blatant electioneering were observed around the country, though no evidence of fixing votes themselves has been brought to light.
The situation echoed the 2000 U.S. presidential election so clearly the irony was apparently visible from the outer space, though President Bush completely missed the irony once again.
"Mugabe has clearly interfered with the will of the people," said President Bush, who failed to clearly win the popular vote in his own country in 2000. "I ask him to graciously stand aside and allow the election process to be carried out without his interference."
No other method of reaction other than verbal scorning is likely to come from the United States or other western superpowers. Any pressure placed on Zimbabwe by the U.S., in the form of sanctions or other political or economical pressures, would surely invite more intense irony.
"President Mugabe has created an uneven playing field for the opposition," said Bush, whose brother Jeb is the governor of Florida, the state whose electoral college cast the deciding votes in favor of Bush. "He ought to be ashamed of himself," said Bush, hip-deep in red-hot irony.
Mugabe has run his campaign on platform of turning over white-owned land to native black residents and anti-imperialism. Bush, in contrast, campaigned on the platform his dad had been president.
"Surely President Bush must understand that when an election grows heated a nominee must welcome natural advantages to his campaign," said Mugabe.
"Unh-uh, don't follow ya," said Bush upon hearing Mugabe's statement.
Since Bush's "election" in 2000, irony has been an ever-present character in the Bush White House, appearing more frequently with the president than Vice-President Dick Cheney. the commune news wishes Tonya Harding best of luck in her next celebrity boxing match, and against dignity. Lil Duncan is a commune White House correspondent and can intimately describe the Lincoln bedroom.
 | Rosie O'Donnell Show "So Gay"Accusation in new book rocks talk show world March 18, 2002 |
Hollywood, CA Mrs. Bird/Graphics Department Graphic of talk show, outed by new book.
That revelation is in a new book already on the shelves, and author Peter Herdingway is proud to scoop all other outlets with his non-fiction work, This Show's Gay: The Hard Truth About That Crap You Like.
"It's something a lot of us know about Rosie O'Donnell's talk show, but so few say it," says Herdingway, discussing his decision to publish the book. "It was something that needed to be said, and I figured making a nice sack of money doing so was the...
s fans of Rosie O'Donnell and people who will read anything know, a biography of the comedian and talk show host will hit the stores in April revealing many intimate facts about the familiar face everyone thinks they know so well. But there's one thing that you won't find in the book—that her show is gay.
That revelation is in a new book already on the shelves, and author Peter Herdingway is proud to scoop all other outlets with his non-fiction work, This Show's Gay: The Hard Truth About That Crap You Like.
"It's something a lot of us know about Rosie O'Donnell's talk show, but so few say it," says Herdingway, discussing his decision to publish the book. "It was something that needed to be said, and I figured making a nice sack of money doing so was the icing on the cake."
In the book, the first of its kind, Herdingway shines the light on the gayest shows in Hollywood. According to Herdingway, among the gay shows on the air are Touched By An Angel, Providence, Will & Grace (so gay it's not even funny), and Big Brother. But, according to Herdingway, nothing is gayer than The Rosie O'Donnell Show.
"Well, for one thing," said Herdingway, pointing out flamboyantly gay tendencies in the show, "it's on in the morning, that's a big signal on the gaydar. It's a talk show, all those daytime talk shows are pretty gay. But have you ever watched the show? The jokes, the guests, the bits with the cooks or whatever. It's all gay city, U.S.A."
According to Herdingway, the gay phenomenon doesn't end with the show itself. As hard as it may be to believe, yes, says Herdingway, even Rosie's magazine companion to the show is gay.
"If you take one look at the magazine, you'll realize it is so gay," said Herdingway. "The interviews with celebrities and their gay pictures with Rosie. The tips on parenting and recipes and shit. It's so gay it's like a giant gay pyramid of ancient Gaygypt, I'm not kidding."
Some, namely we at the commune, have accused Herdingway of being a bigot and insensitive to the homosexual community. Herdingway says not at all, he is fully in support of rights for homosexuals.
"I have no issues with homosexuality at all," said Herdingway. "But that doesn't mean I want gay TV. No one, regardless of their sexual preference, should have to watch a gay show. And let's face it, man, The Rosie O'Donnell Show is so gay it's the capitol of North Gaylina."
Rosie O'Donnell herself could not be reached for comment as she was heavily promoting her book on PrimeTime Live segments posing as real journalism. People working on The Rosie O'Donnell Show we contacted refused to answer our questions, suggesting instead we "jump up" their asses, which certainly sounds gay to us. the commune news should caution we may present a choking hazard to young children, if said children are moronic and resourceful enough to try ingesting a computer. Ramon Nootles is still pursuing a lawsuit against the film Midnight Express, claiming they stole the story of his life ten years before it happened.
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 April 1, 2002 We've Opened the Home Audio Floodgatesthe commune's Red Bagel spins a tale right round like a record it's overtones, there's some kind of tone problem, of that much I'm sure. Maybe I wouldn't be right in referring to it as an "article" when it's more of a "ranting letter," but it's very chilling to realize.
The writer of this letter, Earl Chico of "Behind the Walgreens" (as the letter signed), suggests that CDs are nothing more than tiny records. I hadn't thought much of it before, but once this was brought to my attention I rifled through Ramrod Hurley's CD collection and studied each Enya and John Tesh offering closely. By God, Chico's right! They are tiny, circular, there's a hole through the middle, they're flat, and they're played through an expensive piece of stereo machinery you can purchase for high mark-up. I can't tell you how surprising and unsettling this has been...
º Last Column: The Police Are Racial Profiling Rich White People
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it's overtones, there's some kind of tone problem, of that much I'm sure. Maybe I wouldn't be right in referring to it as an "article" when it's more of a "ranting letter," but it's very chilling to realize.
The writer of this letter, Earl Chico of "Behind the Walgreens" (as the letter signed), suggests that CDs are nothing more than tiny records. I hadn't thought much of it before, but once this was brought to my attention I rifled through Ramrod Hurley's CD collection and studied each Enya and John Tesh offering closely. By God, Chico's right! They are tiny, circular, there's a hole through the middle, they're flat, and they're played through an expensive piece of stereo machinery you can purchase for high mark-up. I can't tell you how surprising and unsettling this has been to me.
I have never enjoyed recorded music, hence the live band I keep on staff at the commune offices to play my favorite tunes whenever I beckon. Some complain they interfere with the work of the staff, but when Nacutchacokov wants to pay all the bills maybe I'll start taking his big fat advice, until then I run things my way. But I stray like a wife longing for sexual satisfaction from the topic.
CDs and records are basically interchangeable—what does this mean to you? If you're like other Americans and have spent countless dinero replacing your LP collection with squat cassette tapes, then replacing those with CDs, you've been screwed. Screwed hard! "Ouch, quit screwing me!" I say to the recording industry. Not me, of course, given my distaste for recorded music I've mentioned, but you, they're screwing you. Still doing it.
The fact is "digital" technology is no more real than the time machine. Sure, it's a nice fantasy we've come up with, but until scientists conquer the quantum field theorem we're not going to have real digital technology. I could explain that further but I'm afraid it would take up several thousand columns and I don't plan on living that long. Suffice to say all we're using now is the height of analog technology.
From my research into this, which has included asking several session bass players and drum programmers, CD making merely involves recording vinyl LPs at full size and then shrinking them to CD size. The most expense involved, compared to the making of an LP, is not the shrink ray technology, which is fairly easy and inexpensive, but in painting the LPs with silver reflective paint.
Why all the trouble? It takes no elaborate imagination to explain that, readers. Money, pure, green and sexy. Why would anybody buy a 30-year-old Dylan record they kept in pristine condition if the technology never changed? With all this talk of "digital technology" and "re-mastering" and such they can sell you a copy of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band six or seven times over. Why "CD" itself stands not for "compact disc," it's all an insider joke. "Collectin' Dinero," readers, that's the truth.
It's not over yet. It'll never be over. The next logical step is selling you "Super CDs," which will again just be analog LPs in shrunken CD form they've enlarged to a giant size with Expando Ray technology, which is what they're working on now. Shrinking things is easy—restoring them to full size, aye, there's the rub, to quote Shakespeare, or Lil Duncan.
So while America continues its love affair with throwing their money down the toilet on recorded music, I clap my hands and the commune office band plays "Purple Rain" while I sit back, laugh, and point my proverbial finger. Which is basically my regular finger. Ha. º Last Column: The Police Are Racial Profiling Rich White Peopleº more columns | 
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Milestones1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, and—what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!Now HiringHall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.Top Eric Rudolph Hiding Places| 1. | Rabbit's house. | | 2. | Worked at an Arby's for a while. | | 3. | Inside Laura Bush's vagina. | | 4. | Star of an ABC sitcom. | | 5. | North Carolina. Nobody ever looks there. | |
|   Middle East Peace Treaty: Everybody Out  BY roland mcshyster 4/1/2002 Welcome back, Americanos, I hope the Oscar season left you with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye. Here in Entertainment Policeland it's back to business as usual, sorting through the wheat to find the entertainment chaff and keeping a sharp eye on Wynona Ryder all the while. I don't know about you, but the last thing I need is some hat-stealing Hollywood brat bringing the heat down on my own private Idaho. But you didn't come here to be reminded of the harsh realities of the real world, so down with the downers and up with the Ask Roland!
Q. Rolaid, I have to admit that I was disappointed to check your column after I heard of the death of Chuck Jones, only to find that you hadn't written any kind of retrospective honoring this true Hollywood legend. W...
Welcome back, Americanos, I hope the Oscar season left you with a smile on your face and twinkle in your eye. Here in Entertainment Policeland it's back to business as usual, sorting through the wheat to find the entertainment chaff and keeping a sharp eye on Wynona Ryder all the while. I don't know about you, but the last thing I need is some hat-stealing Hollywood brat bringing the heat down on my own private Idaho. But you didn't come here to be reminded of the harsh realities of the real world, so down with the downers and up with the Ask Roland!
Q. Rolaid, I have to admit that I was disappointed to check your column after I heard of the death of Chuck Jones, only to find that you hadn't written any kind of retrospective honoring this true Hollywood legend. What gives, man? You too good for Chuck Jones or something?
Arty Luther, Moose Bend, ON
A. Arty, Chuck Jones truly was a Hollywood legend as you say, and karate-kicking men of his caliber really are few and far between. I'll never forget the fierce ass-kicking he delivered in Delta Force 2: Operation Stranglehold. And he always did it with a certain panache, a certain tang. I've been meaning to get around to writing a heart-warming retrospective for him since I heard the news. But the truth is I recently got a sticky hand out of a gumball machine in front of the grocery store and that's really been dominating my free time as of late. Sorry.
Q. Roland, what's this bullcrack about them having to rename the new Austin Powers movie because the bigwigs decided Goldmember (the original title) would confuse audiences who had entered a time warp and thought they were going to the theater to see the original Bond picture? What the crap, Roland?
Marcus Gomer, San Ysidro, CA
A. I'm right there with you, Marcus. This is poop of the highest degree. Only moviegoers bent out of their minds on pharmaceutical-grade nerve gas (and the elderly) could have confused the new Austin Powers flick with the original James Bond picture Goldthingy. To make matters worse, this is a blatantly hypocritical move on the parts of the bigwigs who allowed the release of In the Bedroom, which moviegoers will forever be confusing with countless films, including: In the Army, In the Basement, In the Closet, In the Bass Barn, Inna Gadda de Vito, Vinnie Bedhead, Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's Bedroom, Sin: the Bedroom, In a Bad Way, In Her Bad Womb: Deadly Mothers 3, Rin Tin Tin in the Boardroom, and Shaft in Africa. Not to mention cloning Ashely Judd and passing the clone off as a separate actress named Charlize Theron.
Movie reviews? I thought you'd never ask!
In Theaters Now:
All About the Berenstains
Even as a kid, you always knew it was just a matter of time before that loveable bear family went honey-nuts and tore into a crime spree. And this is the film that I think best captures what it would really be like if brother bear and sister bear both copped a massive coke habit and had to venture out of the forest to score a fix. Personally, I had envisioned a little more carnage but I guess in the end it's really a children's film so it's understandable that they'd tone down the reality of a bear attack on a Manhattan bank a little bit.
Ice Age
The eighth (and hopefully last) film in Vanilla Ice's self-styled and increasingly ludicrous "I'm the Prophet" series rewrites history with an eye for crediting Vanilla with every evolutionary leap in the history of mankind. This time around we're treated to a barely-coherent plot that was obviously stolen from a Sprite commercial, featuring Vanilla as some kind of supernatural man-god who ruled prehistoric times and could only think to use his power to have saber-toothed tigers bring him Zimas. The laughable proceedings are considerably rocked up by Ice's completely original theme song for the film, She's Cold As (*ding*) Ice, raising this picture an almost-imperceptible notch above past efforts Icecalibur and Vanilla of Arabia.
Mentident Evil
Really a novel idea here: What if a toothpaste manufacturer got fed up with their lot in life as an also-ran behind Gleem and Close-Up (the red-headed stepchildren of the toothpaste industry) and decided "The hell with it! We're putting out an Undead flavor!" Sound far-fetched? It might if the same thing hadn't happened in France last year. There probably won't be a lot of Oscar nominations thrown at this film, but there are enough exploding zombie torsos to keep all but the most bloodthirsty housewives happy, so I give it a "yes".
Picnic Room
Ah, Jodie Foster, what happened to you? Sorry film fans, but it seems like everybody is pussing out on us all at once here, as everyone's favorite action heroine and director David Finger (Fight Cuba) have turned in a film that's quite possibly the most boring thing you've ever seen. I suppose there's some appeal for audiences who are really hungry, but I personally need more suspense in a film than whether or not someone's going to pass the marmalade.
Pig Trouble
I think the movie studios are just now getting to the bottom of the sack of hate-mail they got after they put out "Babe" and didn't bother to let anyone know the movie was about a pig, of all things. Sure, it was a big hit, but how many guys went to that movie expecting to see Cameron Diaz or somebody get naked on the big screen and instead they got two hours of talking pork chops? I don't even want to count. Anyway, it looks like the studios have finally adopted the more sensible policy of marking their pig movies more clearly, and for that I applaud them. As for this specific film, how the hell should I know? Once bitten by a pig movie, twice shy my friends.
Now on Video:
Joy Ride
Shameless product-placement film based around the dish soap. This one might actually attain cult classic status because it is so ridiculous. The premise: a bunch of demographically diverse early-20's friends head on a road trip to Mexico to get soap when their local grocer runs out of Joy and they refuse to settle for the alternatives. A coming of age ensues. In the end, the film is almost redeemed by the chemistry between Katie Holmes and the rapper DMX. Almost.
K-PAX
Kevin Spacey is the DJ for this lite-rock station that broadcasts from deep space. Has kind of a Good Morning, Viet Cong appeal to it, but more than anything it pissed me off to think that the whole universe is listening to Matchbox 20. Yuck.
Sexy Bees
This funny CGI cross between Antz and Basic Instinct has got its laughing pants on, but I'm not sure if kids are going to be able to follow the "Is the murderous lesbian Queen wearing panties or not?" subplot.
Television:
Looks like old Roland McS got so wrapped up in the Oscars he forgot to do anything else with his TV in the meantime. Sorry for the lack of TV and Games, but I'm sure you weren't missing anything. Now let's see what you're not missing!
Gag the Bunny (Fox)
In the tradition of the envelope-pushing Queer Factor on Fox, this reality gameshow terrorizes Playboy playmates by kidnapping them, hauling them away in serial killer-style vans, tying them in dimly-lit basements in small farmhouses, and see who can escape first. And these girls are really in it to win, either that or they haven't been told their primetime TV game show contestants.
Baby Bop (CBS)
Not only is the entire CBS audience doddering senile old folks, now the programming execs are, too. How else could former PBS Barney co-star, the walking muppet stand-up comedian Baby Bop, get his own sitcom. I just don't buy this goofy dinosaur as a father of three and a sports column writer. Is he even old enough? Is it a he or she? I guess if you're on CBS these aren't important questions. Not up my alley, though.
Anal Reaming Controls the Universe
Now this is up my alley! But even the commune won't let me tell you what it's about. Just watch it. Yeah, it's on Fox, but these guys have absolutely nothing to lose. Trust me, every show will be doing this next year. I know I will be.
Video Games:
Freedom Force (PC)
PC gaming comes back hard with this innovative game about Honduran rebels. YOU are el capitan, YOU train the troops, YOU are the only thing standing between the evils of capitalism and the everlasting peace of communist revolution. Not available in the United States.
Resident Devo (Gamecube)
Anybody else hear Nintendo's last gasps? I thought hanging on to Mario and Luigi by the cahones was showing how out of touch they are, now they go and come up with this game based on the early '80s band. You're a landlord who rents a bunch of new apartments to these New Wave noisemakers, then have to evict them when you catch them whipping it. I'm not sure what they are, but they are not men.
Might & Management IX (PC)
PC gaming comes back hard again! This is the 13th game about a retired wizard who takes over managing a Denny's, but I guess 13 is a lucky number because they finally got it right! It's one hell of a strategy game from start to finish, if I ever finish it. You choose when to throw the old fries out or introduce the pita fajita to your thousands of customers. The fantastic designer program allows you to create your own
restaurant layout, complete with playland for kids and nap area for yourself.
That's all for this month, consumeritas! I hope it rolled your oats this time around and that I'll see your sunny faces next time the Entertainment Police wagon comes rollicking into town. Until then!
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