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Irony Bites President Bush in the AssMugabe stole Zimbabwe election, president says with straight face March 18, 2002 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president, still not sure he sees what's so funny.
Mugabe's method of election fraud was with open threats to members of the opposing party, Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change party, and discouraging voters from turning out to cast their vote for the opposition. Violence and blatant electioneering were observed around the country, though no evidence of fixing votes themselves has been brought to light.
The situation echoed the 2000 U.S. presidential election so clearly the irony was apparently visible from the outer spac...
ew were surprised when statements made by President Bush last week invited the bite of irony. The president, frequently less observant of irony in his statements than Alanis Morissette in hers, was attacking Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe for stealing the recent election in his country.
Mugabe's method of election fraud was with open threats to members of the opposing party, Zimbabwe's Movement for Democratic Change party, and discouraging voters from turning out to cast their vote for the opposition. Violence and blatant electioneering were observed around the country, though no evidence of fixing votes themselves has been brought to light.
The situation echoed the 2000 U.S. presidential election so clearly the irony was apparently visible from the outer space, though President Bush completely missed the irony once again.
"Mugabe has clearly interfered with the will of the people," said President Bush, who failed to clearly win the popular vote in his own country in 2000. "I ask him to graciously stand aside and allow the election process to be carried out without his interference."
No other method of reaction other than verbal scorning is likely to come from the United States or other western superpowers. Any pressure placed on Zimbabwe by the U.S., in the form of sanctions or other political or economical pressures, would surely invite more intense irony.
"President Mugabe has created an uneven playing field for the opposition," said Bush, whose brother Jeb is the governor of Florida, the state whose electoral college cast the deciding votes in favor of Bush. "He ought to be ashamed of himself," said Bush, hip-deep in red-hot irony.
Mugabe has run his campaign on platform of turning over white-owned land to native black residents and anti-imperialism. Bush, in contrast, campaigned on the platform his dad had been president.
"Surely President Bush must understand that when an election grows heated a nominee must welcome natural advantages to his campaign," said Mugabe.
"Unh-uh, don't follow ya," said Bush upon hearing Mugabe's statement.
Since Bush's "election" in 2000, irony has been an ever-present character in the Bush White House, appearing more frequently with the president than Vice-President Dick Cheney. the commune news wishes Tonya Harding best of luck in her next celebrity boxing match, and against dignity. Lil Duncan is a commune White House correspondent and can intimately describe the Lincoln bedroom.
 | Rosie O'Donnell Show "So Gay"Accusation in new book rocks talk show world March 18, 2002 |
Hollywood, CA Mrs. Bird/Graphics Department Graphic of talk show, outed by new book.
That revelation is in a new book already on the shelves, and author Peter Herdingway is proud to scoop all other outlets with his non-fiction work, This Show's Gay: The Hard Truth About That Crap You Like.
"It's something a lot of us know about Rosie O'Donnell's talk show, but so few say it," says Herdingway, discussing his decision to publish the book. "It was something that needed to be said, and I figured making a nice sack of money doing so was the...
s fans of Rosie O'Donnell and people who will read anything know, a biography of the comedian and talk show host will hit the stores in April revealing many intimate facts about the familiar face everyone thinks they know so well. But there's one thing that you won't find in the book—that her show is gay.
That revelation is in a new book already on the shelves, and author Peter Herdingway is proud to scoop all other outlets with his non-fiction work, This Show's Gay: The Hard Truth About That Crap You Like.
"It's something a lot of us know about Rosie O'Donnell's talk show, but so few say it," says Herdingway, discussing his decision to publish the book. "It was something that needed to be said, and I figured making a nice sack of money doing so was the icing on the cake."
In the book, the first of its kind, Herdingway shines the light on the gayest shows in Hollywood. According to Herdingway, among the gay shows on the air are Touched By An Angel, Providence, Will & Grace (so gay it's not even funny), and Big Brother. But, according to Herdingway, nothing is gayer than The Rosie O'Donnell Show.
"Well, for one thing," said Herdingway, pointing out flamboyantly gay tendencies in the show, "it's on in the morning, that's a big signal on the gaydar. It's a talk show, all those daytime talk shows are pretty gay. But have you ever watched the show? The jokes, the guests, the bits with the cooks or whatever. It's all gay city, U.S.A."
According to Herdingway, the gay phenomenon doesn't end with the show itself. As hard as it may be to believe, yes, says Herdingway, even Rosie's magazine companion to the show is gay.
"If you take one look at the magazine, you'll realize it is so gay," said Herdingway. "The interviews with celebrities and their gay pictures with Rosie. The tips on parenting and recipes and shit. It's so gay it's like a giant gay pyramid of ancient Gaygypt, I'm not kidding."
Some, namely we at the commune, have accused Herdingway of being a bigot and insensitive to the homosexual community. Herdingway says not at all, he is fully in support of rights for homosexuals.
"I have no issues with homosexuality at all," said Herdingway. "But that doesn't mean I want gay TV. No one, regardless of their sexual preference, should have to watch a gay show. And let's face it, man, The Rosie O'Donnell Show is so gay it's the capitol of North Gaylina."
Rosie O'Donnell herself could not be reached for comment as she was heavily promoting her book on PrimeTime Live segments posing as real journalism. People working on The Rosie O'Donnell Show we contacted refused to answer our questions, suggesting instead we "jump up" their asses, which certainly sounds gay to us. the commune news should caution we may present a choking hazard to young children, if said children are moronic and resourceful enough to try ingesting a computer. Ramon Nootles is still pursuing a lawsuit against the film Midnight Express, claiming they stole the story of his life ten years before it happened.
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 March 18, 2002 The Police Are Racial Profiling Rich White Peoplethe commune's Red Bagel is being hassled by the man Racial profiling is an injustice that's come to the attention of the media and public at large as of late. It is a horrible prejudice, to pick out and monitor people as if they are criminals based on their age, race, manner of dress, or social standing. Nobody stands firmer against the act of racial profiling than myself.
Low-income African-American men are well-documented as victims of such profiling. But they are not the only ones. Rich white people are also victims of this disease.
Nobody was more surprised than I when I found out, and I found out the hard way. I was driving my Lexus back from a get-together at the commune offices on New Year's Eve when I was stopped by the police officer—a middle-income white woman.
She demanded I get out of t...
º Last Column: Who is Preventing the Men At Work Reunion?
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Racial profiling is an injustice that's come to the attention of the media and public at large as of late. It is a horrible prejudice, to pick out and monitor people as if they are criminals based on their age, race, manner of dress, or social standing. Nobody stands firmer against the act of racial profiling than myself.
Low-income African-American men are well-documented as victims of such profiling. But they are not the only ones. Rich white people are also victims of this disease.
Nobody was more surprised than I when I found out, and I found out the hard way. I was driving my Lexus back from a get-together at the commune offices on New Year's Eve when I was stopped by the police officer—a middle-income white woman.
She demanded I get out of the car and take these ridiculous sobriety tests. Naturally, I agreed and performed stupendously, I made the Dean's List of sobriety. I casually mentioned what I do for a living and my name—I think my exact words were, "Do you know who I am? I'm Red Bagel, dammit. I could buy and sell you." And that was all it took, once she found out I fit the profile, she went brutal on me. Declaring I failed the sobriety test, said I smelled like a brewery, that I had been driving on the sidewalk. All of these ridiculous charges lobbed at me based on my wealth, status, and their partial accuracy.
The humiliation was far from over, though. She handcuffs me like a common thief and takes me to prison in her squad car. Not before she fit in the snide comment, "I don't know why I bother, you'll be out in two hours."
After 90 minutes of esteem-shattering imprisonment I returned to the commune offices, intent on researching and writing a column about this unsung injustice of $100,00+ profiling.
The conspiracy goes far deeper than you'd ever guess. Through all my research and calls to rich friends, famous friends, business owners or well-to-do members of the community, I could hardly assemble a case against this profiling. My statistical research proved fruitless as the bastards are clever enough to arrest just enough rich white people so they fall below the average in arrests per capita. Vile? Yes. Clever? Definitely.
I have to admit I'm at a loss for how to pursue this next. I've had to start at square one again, rebuild my case and attack with fervor. I've begun a class action lawsuit against police departments nationwide, though victims are slow to come forward. So far brave individuals like Robert Downey Jr., Christian Slater, Charlie Sheen, Heidi Fleiss, Mickey Rourke and Zsa Zsa Gabor have stepped forward to help make the case, but it's not enough. These individuals don't have a great history in the court room, so I'm still looking for more concrete proof first.
In the meantime, all I can do is keep quiet like the oppressed individual I am. I'll pay my fine, receive my sentence, and find a way to weasel out of it like anyone else. But the next time I leave a happening party with a high blood alcohol level, I know I'll have to keep looking over my shoulder. And that hurts. º Last Column: Who is Preventing the Men At Work Reunion?º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In fact—I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”
-John Paul Jones RingoFortune 500 CookieThat tumor-sized growth isn't what you thought, but it could mean big money, so don't despair. One homosexual dream doesn't make you gay, but try one more. What are you in the mood for tonight? Roasted chicken, with sautéed potatoes. Eat less fiber, what the hell. Lucky numbers 10, 10, 34, 10, and 194.
Try again later.Top 10 Deciding Issues for the Election| 1. | Germany's been getting cocky lately | | 2. | Always vote for the guy who wins | | 3. | President should be able to take a punch | | 4. | Do I look fat in these jeans? | | 5. | Search Iraq for WMD, OMD, and REM | |
|   Middle East Peace Treaty: Everybody Out  BY davidson estherhouse 3/18/2002 Lincoln & NapoleonLincoln sat at the end of the large banquet table of Napoleon's. It's a shame, he thought quietly, I could feed every hungry slave in the Union for the price of this fancy French table.
"You are quiet, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, his eyes barely peeking above the other end of the table. "Henri!" he shouted to his butler with a clap of his hands. "Fetch the phone books for my seat!"
"You need not do that, Henri," Lincoln said in his heavy, somber voice. "I won't be staying for dinner."
"I sense you do not like me very much, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, and he was right. Lincoln had only come for one thing—military expertise. Perhaps there was something he could find out from Napoleon, some secret to his success that would help end the Civi...
Lincoln sat at the end of the large banquet table of Napoleon's. It's a shame, he thought quietly, I could feed every hungry slave in the Union for the price of this fancy French table.
"You are quiet, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, his eyes barely peeking above the other end of the table. "Henri!" he shouted to his butler with a clap of his hands. "Fetch the phone books for my seat!"
"You need not do that, Henri," Lincoln said in his heavy, somber voice. "I won't be staying for dinner."
"I sense you do not like me very much, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, and he was right. Lincoln had only come for one thing—military expertise. Perhaps there was something he could find out from Napoleon, some secret to his success that would help end the Civil War without more casualties.
"It's nothing personal, Mr. Napoleon. My feelings are of no consequence, even if they're right. I'm not here to make friends. I'm only here because perhaps there's something I can find out from you, a secret to your success that will help end the Civil War in America without more casualties."
"Maybe I can help you, in some way," said Napoleon. "Tell me more of this fantastic time machine, Monsieur Lincoln."
"Perhaps later," said Lincoln.
"Now!" demanded the short bastard. "I must know! I must have this secret to time travel! If it is in my hands I can conquer more than Europe, bon homme. I can conquer the Roman Empire itself!"
"You would misuse the technology, I'm afraid," said Lincoln. "Napoleon, Napoleon, Napoleon—don't you know no matter how many men you dominate you will never be tall?"
"Shut up!" screeched Napoleon, smashing away all the silverware in front of him. "You think you know what it means to be short? Bah! How tall are you? 6'9"?"
"I am a tall man, Mr. Napoleon. I am the tallest president the Union has ever seen, and perhaps ever will see. I was born in Kentucky as well. But my strength comes not from the stature of my body, but the height of my heart."
Napoleon's face boiled over with red. "Garcon! Seize him!"
The waiter grabbed Lincoln from behind, wrapped his smarmy French arms around the president's neck.
He's got me! Lincoln thought. It's fortunate I traveled into the future first and learned jujitsu.
Lincoln flipped the Frenchman over his shoulder, landing in brie cheese. Lincoln turned and darted for the door.
"We'll meet again, Napoleon!"
Before Lincoln could escape, the French army surrounded him.
"No, no, Monsieur Lincoln," said Napoleon, dusting himself off with the hand that wasn't tucked in his shirt. "You're not going anywhere." Lincoln was cornered. "Tell me of the time machine."
"No," said Lincoln gravely. "I promised the professor I wouldn't tell anybody the secret of time travel. Honest."
"Then you will die!" snapped Napoleon. "Garcon! Take him for torture!"
But before they could grab the 16th president, Lincoln reached up and grabbed the chandelier. He climbed up onto it and jumped over the French army. He leapt through the window and landed on a horse.
"Not today, Napoleon!" laughed the president, waving a hand good-bye. "Away, Planters!"
As the president rode off, Napoleon watched from a milk crate in front of the window.
"This Lincoln… he is my greatest enemy."   |
