Bush Reveals New Shadow Government

Emergency "super friends" to take power if administration lost

March 4, 2002

Washington, DC

AP/Magazines

In the event of loss of your government, these six are now in charge: George Bush (Top-Left); Billie Jean King (Top-Right); Johnny Carson (Middle-Left); Hank Williams Jr. (Middle-Right); The Hulk (Bottom-Left); Abe Lincoln (Bottom-Right)

ollowing on the heels of Friday's revelation of the Bush plan for a "shadow government" to maintain continuity of power should the administration be incapacitated, the president revealed his six choices for the positions in the shadow government.

"It is important that individuals the nation trusts be available to lead us in the event we in the present administration are somehow incapacitated," said Bush, addressing reporters from an underground bunker somewhere he would not disclose. "I have chosen six individuals that I think will gladly answer the call to lead their country in that horrible, horrible occurrence."

Bush's choices ranged from the unexpected to the ridiculous, according the critics. Should the unthinkable happen and the entire executive branch of government be disabled for any reason, and presumably should Congress lose their acting capacity as well, Bush has handpicked a six-person group to share leadership duties of the country in retaliation and recovery.

The six-person team would consist of George Herbert Walker Bush, the president's father and 41st president of the United States; country recording superstar Hank Williams Jr.; former talk show host and television personality Johnny Carson; tennis great Billie Jean King; fictional comic book character The Hulk; and deceased 16th president Abraham Lincoln.

Many questions remain in the wake of the president's announcement. Among them: Is the shadow government constitutionally allowed? Can the president make arrangements without approval of Congress for such a plan? What is a comic book character doing among the selected appointees? Isn't Lincoln dead? Why Billie Jean King?

"I have not the time nor the resources to answer all these questions," snapped Bush, slapping a reporter from The Washington Post squarely across the face. "I'm the president and I know what's best for everyone. You hear? Everyone!"

According to insiders, Bush presented the list to administration officials on a scribbled piece of notebook paper with several other possible appointees crossed out, like Hugh Hefner and Rupert Murdock. Bush reportedly believes Abraham Lincoln is available for resuscitation at any time and the technology for that is quickly being developed. He also said The Hulk is real and he knows because he used to have a TV show. Administration officials also suspect Billie Jean King was chosen to balance out the male-heavy council, and she was the first woman the president could think of.

"I am happy with the president's choices," said Vice-President Dick Cheney. "I believe the possibility of our administration collapsing overnight, along with Congress and any other potential leaders, is a very real possibility and our president is safeguarding us against that. President Bush is wise and learned and not at all losing his mind."

Cheney made some strange gestures, circling his temple with a finger, and winking at reporters, before the president turned his head, when Cheney suddenly stopped.

the commune news fishes using only real Vargas fishing lures. Vargasâ€”catch a damn fish for once. Lil Duncan is the senior commune correspondent and likes it like that, yeah, baby, just like that.

Georgia Man Makes Killing on Corpses

Zombies the growth industry of the young millenium

March 4, 2002

Noballs, Georgia

Junior Bacon

Entrepreneur Ray Brent Marsh gets product straight from the source

The secret to success," says entrepreneur Ray Brent Marsh, a prominent figure in this small town in Georgia, "is finding a need and filling it. And that's exactly what I've done."

Marsh is up for Georgia State Businessman of the Year, thanks to his aggressive campaign to corner the market on purveyors of the undead and newly-dead. With an inventory that numbers in the hundreds of bodiesâ€”"Hell, I've lost track of how many there are out there myself!" he laughsâ€”Marsh is miles ahead of his nearest competitors.

"Most of the suppliers in the past have been small-time operators, people like John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Andrea Yates... I've just taken what they've done and turned it into a large-scale distribution network."

Marsh paused to take a deep drag from the large Montecristo he was smoking, then spent a few moments staring at the considerable ash and reflecting on his new-found success. "You'd be surprised how much demand there actually is for my product," he went on to say. "Down in New Orleans, you've got your Marie Laveaux voodoo wannabes, they're always looking for fresh meat, so to speak. And down in Haiti, you've got your Tonton Macoutes. Hell, they can't get enough of my product. I can't ship them out fast enough for that bunch. And then further down, in the smaller islands, there's always a demand for what I've got to sell. Always will be."

"The thing you've got to realize is that it's cost effective for these folks. I mean, all you've got to do is feed these bodies a little of the zombie cucumber, cut the head off a live chicken, do a little chanting and dancing around a fire, and boom, you've got yourself an obedient member of the undead, ready to do your bidding. No worries about coffee breaks or overtime, either. Yes sir, the market starts in the bayou country in New Orleans, and is active all the way down the Caribbean to Venezuela."

Asked about possible plans to expand, Marsh warmed to the subject.

"Oh, hell yeah!" he crowed. "I've been in negotiations with Kathie Lee Gifford for a few weeks now. She's looking for a new, more servile work force. Martha Stewart, too. And because these folks don't care where they're located, we're getting feelers from a lot of major corporations that want to move their operations offshore. They need cheap labor, and we've got the cheapest around."

Marsh then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper and delivered his biggest news yet.

"Don't let this get around, but I've also heard from George Romero in the last couple days. Seems he wants to film yet another remake of Night of the Living Dead. He says this time, he wants the living dead to all be low-level employees of a big, high-profile energy company based in Houston."

"I'm gonna be in show business!" Marsh cackled. He then concluded the interview by stubbing out the Cuban cigar he had been smoking, putting a lid on the ashtray and offering it to this reporter as a "decorative urn."

As soon as we get off, the commune would like to buy its readers a Hurricane in a souvenir glass down at the Voodoo Lounge. Stigmata Spent would like hers in a to-go cup, please.

March 18, 2002

At Least Your Last Name's Not Fagerbakke

the commune's Tom Fagerbakke counts your blessings for you

º Last Column: Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
º more columns

Over the course of my life, any time I've had a gripe about the way things were going or if I had things that I thought were unfair, my mom was always there to remind me that there are people out there who have it worse off than me. No matter what your problem is, there's always some poor S.O.B. out there whose wretched existence made yours look like a complimentary trip to a Bangkok whorehouse.

My mom's the undisputed master of this line of reasoning. No matter what happened when I was growing up, she always had some reason why I should be happy about it. Any time I took the guys to meet Mr. Bike Frame after riding my Huffy into a gopher hole or a curb or something, while I was on the ground in the fetal position, writhing in pain, she always reminded me that at least I didn't have spinal meningitis. I'm not kidding! Needless to say, that's not the kind of thing a guy wants to hear when he's just had his family jewels knocked back into his earlobes, so I spent a large portion of my childhood years sucking on a bar of Ivory soap.

But she never faltered. Your dog got hit by a car? That's a piece of cake compared to having cystic fibrosis. Pulled a 300 on the SATs? That'd make your day if you had hooks for hands. I don't know where she got half that shit. Every once in a while I'd catch her blatantly making something up, like the time in Jr. High when I got kicked in the nuts by a mule and she told me it was better than having Herkemer's Syndrome. I asked her what the hell that was and she just muttered something vague about having your bones itch and said I didn't want to know the details.

To be perfectly honest, I never really appreciated my mother's philosophy when I was growing up; actually I thought she was sick in the head. But now that I'm older I'm really starting to understand where she was coming from. It's taken me a long time to find my purpose in life, but now I think I've really found it. I'm here to remind people that no matter what kind of foul shit is going down in their own lives, hey, at least their last name isn't Fagerbakke.

You don't even have to know a thing about be, beyond my name, to know that I didn't have an easy time of it growing up. All my life, I've been like some kind of nickname magnet. You can try to surprise me with something new, but I'd advise you to save your breath, I promise I've heard them all: Froggerhockey, Fan-of-Balki, Faggotbacon, Fag-bot, Fuckerbacker, Fingerbecky, Shag-her-buddy, Fizzledick, Dr. Lousy Lay, Sir Fucksafreshman, Tommy Hatesajew, Dildo on Wheels, The Cunnilinguist, Tom the Racist Wonder, Tommy Comesponge, Mr. Nazi-cock, Tommy Two-Minutes, Tommy Knockmeup, The Back-door Bandit, Tom Thumbs-a-stranger, Tommy Inchwormâ€¦ the list goes on and on. I'm sure I'm forgetting some good ones, too, you can email my mom if you want the complete list.

The point is, I got stuck with the Spruce Goose of bad last names. And for a long time I thought that was a curse, you know? But now I realize it's a blessing. Just like how Superman got super-powers and used them to help out humanity when it got in a pinch, Tom Fagerbakke got a super-shitty last name and he's going to use it to raise humanity's spirits. No matter who's pissing on your parade or what kind of crap life is trying to pull, all you have to do is stop and reflect on the fact that your last name isn't Fagerbakke, and that kind of puts it all in perspective. Sure, maybe your wife left you for your boss and your mom joined a cult and your son just got into Weird Al Yankovic, but you know, at least you're still doing pretty good in the last name department. So maybe everything isn't as bad as it seems, right? Feel better?

No need to thank me, it's the work I was born to do.

º Last Column: Way to Cock Up My Birthday Party, Grandpa
º more columns

Quote of the Day

“The unexamined life is not worth livingâ€¦ so show me your tits already.”

-Sol Crates

Fortune 500 Cookie

Nobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.

Try again later.

Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals

1.	Houseboats for all!
2.	Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens
3.	Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life
4.	Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget
5.	Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway

Russell Crowe Receives Oscar Nod for Role in Ben Gay Commercial

BY roland mcshyster

3/4/2002

Holy washed-up franchise, Batman! It's Oscar season and no lisping game bird is going to convince Roland McShyster otherwise. Pay no heed to the lies about Christmastime, the most magical time of the year is truly upon us. So let's get coked up to the gills and revel in the joy that is the month before the Oscars!
Here's your dossier on the bewildering list of nominees:

Best Picture

A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

This film touched me in much the same way as last year's Requiem for a Dreamcast. Both were films made me stand up and shout back at the void: "Now THOSE are some ti...

Goosefart Park

Those loveable Animal House morons are back, and this time they're stuck at a quaint Country Inn in the small English town of Goosefart Park. A surprise pick for a Best Picture nomination, but you'll be hard-pressed to find a film this year with more beaver jokes. There's a lot of raunchy humour for the whole family, but this isn't a one-sided farce. The film also brings home the important life lesson that England is stupid.

In the Bedroom

It's a bold statement, but this is probably the best film ever based on a Cream song. To be honest, I didn't understand the movie any better than I understood the tune, (psychedelic interior decorating tips? And who buys black curtains these days?) but regardless, this flick is head and heels above Kevin Costner's dismal Aqualung.

The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring -read EP review-

This is the year gay boxing movies stepped into the mainstream, and there is no finer example than The Lords of the Ring. If a picture is worth a thousand words, and this isn't the best picture of the year, then that means there are a thousand finer words out there somewhere, and personally I find that disbelievable. This is one of those rare movies that grabs you by your manhood and sucks you off. Or in. And as the wizened old boxing trainer Gaydar says in the film: "Sometimes you choose gay boxing. And sometimes gay boxing chooses you." I couldn't have put it better, even with 989 more words and a Polaroid.

Mule in Rouge -read EP review-

Another surprise nomination for Best Picture, as the Academy seems to have a soft spot for screwball comedies this year. This time it's a loveable Talking Mule picture that gets the surprise nod and a wink. And I know what you're thinking, that they always nominate the Talking Mule pictures but they never win the big awards. It's like an unwritten rule. But this year things could be different since there's a lot of buzz under this donkey's tail and I hear the Church of Scientology is throwing it's Hollywood weight around to secure the golden flasher for this picture.

Best Director

Don Henley, A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

Leave it to a former Eagle to take this tale of form-fitting mime costumes all the way to the limit. Sure, he could have taken it easy, but that's not Henley's style. Being the new kid in town, director-wise, he had a lot to prove, and I for one am hoping there's no heartache for him on Oscar night. Hopefully his film will leave Academy voters with a peaceful, easy feeling, and provide them with a place to hide their lion eyes.

Ripley Scott, Black Hawk Down -read EP review-

Every film this guy does without having a space lizard or whatever spring out of his chest is a triumph in my book. I'd really be pulling for him to take home the gold this year on that basis alone if it weren't for the fact that his movie had way too much pan flute music in it for my tastes. I mean, I guess it's a depressed-bird kind of instrument, but in my opinion you can take that too far.

Robert Palmer, Goosefart Park

Three years ago it was all about foreign dictators directing films, and last year it was about rock-band movies. This year the natural progression continues and it's pop stars turning into directors, and nobody was more surprised than me to discover that this pedophile-looking limey can direct a frat comedy like nobody's business. Both this film and A Beautiful Mime make me realize how far ahead of his time Terrence Trent D'Arby really was when he directed The Thin Red Line a few years ago, really the grandfather of pop star directors. Sure, the inclusion of Power Station's Some Like it Hot in Palmer's film was a little self-serving, but I have to admit it synched up pretty well with the scene where the morons set the Inn on fire.

Peter, Paul and Mary Jackson, The Lords of the Ring: The Fellowship in the Ring -read EP review-

What's more amazing than pop stars making the successful transition to directing feature films? How about entire bands making the leap? Scoff no more my friends, because it happened while you weren't paying attention. If these 60's folkamuffins can direct the best gay boxing film ever, I can't wait to see Metallica's directorial debut this summer.

David Lynch, Mulholland Drive -read EP review-

Sure, he's crazier than a shithouse weasel, but there's no denying that some people out there enjoy the scrambled brainbatter he yanks out of his rectum every few years. Personally, I liked his films more before he decreed that all film scores should be played by throwing live fish at a piano, but you've got to admire his creative vision.

Best Actor

Russell Crowe, A Beautiful Mime -read EP review-

Really rubbing the charm thin after his role in Almost Famous, Crowe serves as a cleavage-blocking impediment to an otherwise arresting film. Back to the Louvre with you, Frenchie.

Sean Penn, I Am Sam -read EP review-

Leave it to a balls-out amazing actor like Penn to garner an Oscar nomination for the smallest of roles. Some may argue that his cameo as the fox in the box was too scant a role to deserve the Oscar nod, but I ask you this: did you ever doubt for a second that that there was really a fox in that box where Knox would not eat the green eggs and ham, would not eat them Sam I Am? I rest my case.

Geoffrey Rush, Lantana

Who?

Mr. Smith, ALI -read EP review-

Talk about taking a boring film and driving it right into the dull, lifeless ground! This is it. The American Law Institute could have salvaged some shred of an audience's attention by casting a big-name star in this plodding logjam of a film, but instead they chose to feature this faceless corporate lawyer in an unbelievably gray suit. I thought for a second this movie might turn into a Pink Floyd video but in the end it turned out that irony was not on the witness list.

Denzel Washington, Training Day -read EP review-

After a long, painful journey, Denzel finally finds his niche in this talking toddler pic. He's never had a finer moment than when he's chasing little Mikey around the apartment while he's got a shitty pair of pull-ups around his ankles (but don't ask me why Denzel was wearing pull-ups in the first place! Zing!). It just goes to show that talent can blossom late, and here Denzel is at his best since To Wong Fuâ€¦

Best Animated Film
In a surprising move by the Academy, the Best Actress category has been replaced this year by a new award for Best Animated Film. I'm sure you can imagine the endless griping that has ensued, but for what? I mean, who doesn't like cartoons?

Jimmy Nimrod: Boy Genius -read EP review-

Hands-down the funniest film of the year, and one of the main reasons you'll be hearing Roland McShyster's tortured screams echoing up from hell once we all hit the afterlife. I stand behind my actions, however, and if seeing an exploitive comedy about a retarded super-spy twelve times in the theater is a damnable offense, then damn the torpedoes and steer this cruise ship towards the Hades water park, my friends.

Mobsters, INC. -read EP review-

A computer-animated classic set in the mobster's paradise of New Jersey. A funny, fascinating, and fuggetaboutit musical for those of us who like our fellas good and our fathers godly. Or something, I don't know. Look for Joe Piscapo in his trademark insane mobster role.

Beatty and the Beast

I had the weird deja-vu feeling that I'd seen this movie before, but with all of the great new stuff they're cranking out, it's not like Disney would just rehash one of their old movies to make a few extra bucks. Anyway, it's great to see Ned Beatty working again, though to be honest sometimes I got confused about who was the Beast.

And that's a wrap! Now's it's time to bask in the afterglow while we await the ceremony itself. When will it be? Nobody knows! But that's half the fun of it. And from me to you, America, I hope it's some kind of wonderful. See you in a month!