n a move destined to boil the blood of the fourteen Americans who still associate the Oscars with outstanding achievement in film, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that it has added a supplemental Best Actor nomination to the field for this year's awards.

The additional nomination was given to Australian actor Russell Crowe for his performance in a 30-second Ben Gay commercial from 1991, which featured Crowe touting the virtues of the medicated ointment from a locker room after a taxing squash workout.

Reaction has been swift and fast from film critics and movie buffs alike, who suggest that the Academy's butt-kissing of Crowe has reached an unprecedented level now that they have run out of film performances for which to nominate the actor.

Some feel that the academy jumped the gun when it nominated Crowe for the low-budget Aussie children's fantasy Roadblock and Wanker last year, arguing that they should have saved the film, which features the voice talents of a 16 year-old Crowe, in case he went a year without making a feature film in the future. Others point out that Crowe was already nominated in the same category this year for A Beautiful Mind, and that the commercial in question came out in 1991, technically making it ineligible for this year's awards. And even if it were, it wouldn't be since it was a commercial and the Oscars tend to be reserved for feature films. Many others feel that this level of praise is unreasonable for an actor who's basically Clint Eastwood with an accent.

The Academy had already come under fire in recent months for its controversial creation of the Kevin Spacey Perpetual Award, which honors American actor Kevin Spacey on a yearly basis. But even the harshest critics of that move suggest that it made a lot more sense than the Academy's constant sucking up to Crowe, who many feel represents a "cool, slightly-dangerous older brother" figure to Academy voters.

"Of course it's a controversial nomination," stated Academy spokesperson Emeril Juanna. "Everyone knows that, and don't think for a second that there aren't members of the Academy who think Russell's work in that 'Fast Actin Tinactin' ad he did in 1990 was the superior performance. But we made our choice and we could only choose one Russell Crowe commercial. This year, anyway."

Nominees for Best Actor are decided by the acting arm of the Academy, which consists of several-hundred industry people who have claimed to be actors at parties or when filling out product registration cards. Academy member and unemployed soap opera actor Kenny Middle attempts to explain the reasoning behind the Academy's unprecedented move:

"Well, I think you know how the ladies on the committee voted, so there's no need to go into that. And as for us guys, I don't know, you know? I think maybe there's a little part of each of us that thinks it would be pretty cool if one day we got to hang out with Russell, and his band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. Maybe sit in on bass or something, you know? Maybe bum a cigarette and just hang loose. That's a factor that can't be denied. And really, at the heart of it all, wouldn't it just be awesome as hell to be Russell Crowe for a while? To have the famous chicks all over you like bimbos on a Kennedy? Getting fat paychecks and awards left and right just for mumbling your way through movies? And how about that roguish charm? Plus you'd get to cash in on the whole 'foreign guy' angle, which is huge with the ladies, without having to ever live in a mud hut or eat English food or anything like that. Instead, you run your own sheep farm or some bullshit like that and come off sounding like a real badass. And you look white as anybody else, so no problems there; you just get a cool accent and the credentials to back it up. Talk about sweet. So anyway, when you take all of that into consideration I don't think it's at all surprising that Russell got nominated again. We're all big fans."

ecord companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for free elsewhere.

“It used to be someone would have to buy an album just to find out it was crap,� said recording industry lawyer Snig Partridge. “Now they spend hours downloading it, take one listen, and mutter they’re glad they didn’t buy it.

“That’s our money!� yelled Patridge, leaping across the desk and savagely attacking this commune reporter.

There is some validity to the maniacal lawyer’s complaints. A recent survey conducted found nearly 25% of respondents were downloading or making hardcopies of CDs they didn’t want to buy. Numerous reasons were cited, such as the expense of purchasing CDs, the ease and availability of pirating materials, the chic of bragging about burning or downloading something, the lack of new Beatles material, but most popular among the answers was “just don’wanna.�

Many record industry analysts are puzzled by the slow down in CD sales, given the height of artistry of popular music with acts such as Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado, Creed, Pink, Uncle Kracker, and No Doubt topping the charts.

“It’s obvious music is experiencing a renaissance,� remarked some dreadlocked teen at a music store, in a voice that didn’t sound at all sarcastic.

“I don’t get it,� said Marx Kapital Records CEO Fred Ingells. “People hear the single. They like the single. They hum the single. They don’t buy the album. Something’s not right here.�

In 2000, music product sales totaled $14.3 billion. A year later that amount had dropped catastrophically to $13.7 billion.

“$13.7 billion! How are we supposed to live on $13.7 billion?� shouted Snig Partridge, this time leaping out from behind a Volkswagen on the street and attacking this commune reporter long after our interview had finished.

Across the music industry, response from record company representatives has ranged from perturbed to dismayed.

“Y’all fuckin’ my money now, biatch,� growled A’ight Records President Tru Dat Williams, cocking a Glock and firing blindly out the window in a confessed effort to hit potential music pirates.

“What makes me sad is the poor artist,� said Ingells. “When you steal a CD by bootlegging it from a friend or downloading it from the internet, you’re stealing a dollar out of their pocket. A whole dollar, or considerably less if we’re talking just singles and EPs here.�

Several artists were contacted to hear their reaction to this matter, but instead of listening to the interview tapes we burned copies of them and sold them on eBay as bootleg interviews. Snig Partridge then leaped out of our filing cabinet, knocked this commune reporter unconscious and made off with all our unsold copies.

Hi Grandpa. Mom wanted me to write to tell you that I'm not mad at you anymore for what happened at my birthday party. She says that you probably didn't mean to have a giant heart attack right when everybody was just starting to have fun. She says that I should learn to not be so selfish and learn to consider other people. But I don't know. It's not like it was anybody else's birthday.

Mom says I should forgive you even though my birthday party was a total bomb after the whole heart attack thing. She says I'll have another birthday next year, but I only have one Grandpa. But I bet none of those kids that were there this year will come back next year. Not after they got dicked out of a pony ride and ice cream cake and everything when you collapsed into the cake table. I don't think anyone was having much fun while we were standing around waiting for the ambulance to come, and I think it scared some of the kids when your eyes bugged out like that and you turned kind of blue. I definitely didn't think it was very cool.

But I guess I'm supposed to forgive you, even though I'm going to be a total outcast at school now. All of those other kids with their normal Grandpas who don't hog all the attention, or else are dead and stay out of the way like that, they're going to hang out together now, I can tell. That's the way it always works. I remember the one time Freddy Schneuder's grandma picked him up from school and she called him "Sweet Noodle" in a loud voice that everyone could hear. He still doesn't have any friends, and that was last year. And it's not like she destroyed a major social event, she was just being lame. I'm probably going to have to switch to a private school.

Mom says that if you'd had your choice, she thinks you would have waited until after the gift opening and the cake to have your heart attack. I think she's just trying to make me feel better. If you were that worried about it, why didn't you just stay home that day, or maybe hang out in the lobby of the hospital or something? You probably would have been safe, unless there was a little sick kid or somebody having a birthday party there. But I guess you didn't think of that. Thanks a lot, Grandpa.

Mom tells me that she bets you're really sorry that things couldn't have worked out better and that my birthday party was ruined. And I guess that's a pretty good way to look at it. But to be honest, all I can think is that unless there aren't any kids up there in heaven, you're probably up there pissing all over somebody's birthday party as we speak. Sorry Mom.

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