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Americans Everywhere Now Experts on George HarrisonDeath of Beatle spawns temporary retention of key facts in his life December 10, 2001 |
George Harrison, the "Quiet Beatle," unfortunately much quieter now
And news of Harrison's death and pervasive media coverage has made everyone in America an expert on the life and music of George Harrison, at least for a while.
"Harrison was never interested in school work," said New York City bartender Rupert Holmes. "But he really enjoyed a guitar his mother bought him for £3. He would sit in his room and practice for hours, until his fingers bled."
"Harrison formed the Quarrymen with John Lennon, which soon included bandmate and future Beatle Paul McCartney," said Alice Carter, a real estate agent in Twin Falls, Idaho. "The band event...
ov. 29, 2001 America lost another revered musician and inspiration for thousands of musicians in George Harrison, member of the Beatles and solo artist since 1970. Harrison was 58.
And news of Harrison's death and pervasive media coverage has made everyone in America an expert on the life and music of George Harrison, at least for a while.
"Harrison was never interested in school work," said New York City bartender Rupert Holmes. "But he really enjoyed a guitar his mother bought him for £3. He would sit in his room and practice for hours, until his fingers bled."
"Harrison formed the Quarrymen with John Lennon, which soon included bandmate and future Beatle Paul McCartney," said Alice Carter, a real estate agent in Twin Falls, Idaho. "The band eventually changed its name to the Beatles, a play on the word 'beat,' and honed their craft in a seedy club in Hamburg."
Greg Batley, a 29-year-old mechanic from Atlanta, Georgia, continued: "Harrison grew as a songwriter working alongside Lennon and McCartney. He would continue to become a fantastic songwriter in his own right, contributing hits over the years like 'The Taxman,' 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps,' "Something,' and 'Here Comes the Sun.'"
Batley hummed the latter composition for a few minutes.
"He introduced America to the sitar," stated Kansas City, Missouri police officer Mark Kite. "He became friends and musically influenced by Ravi Shankar. While in his personal life he became intrigued by eastern philosophy and religion, a fascination which he passed on to the other Beatles."
"After the break-up of the Beatles," said John Ulee, a Seattle-based computer programmer, "Harrison was the first to experience solo success with a composition called 'My Sweet Lord.' He went on to put together the Concert for Bangladesh, the first all-star benefit of its kind. Years before 'We Are the World.'"
Minor League baseball player Wes Murphy of Durham, North Carolina continued: "In later years, Harrison's biggest success in music was from the hit 'Got My Mind Set on You' off his album Cloud 9, and also with Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, Jeff Lynne, and Bob Dylan as a member of The Traveling Wilburys. Harrison said of the low-key experience, 'It beats being a Beatle.'"
"Harrison experienced his first bout with cancer in the late '90s," said baker Lynette McKeegan of Salt Lake City, Utah. "In '99 he was assaulted by a deranged fan, from which he recovered, but cancer only dug in deeper and in late November he lost his battle with it. Harrison leaves behind a $300 million estate to his wife and his son, it's like Donnie, but there's an 'H' in there, I think. Harrison was 58."
The amazing retention of Harrison information astounds even self-proclaimed Beatles fans.
"I have all their CDs," said Rich Carlisle of Pennsauken, New Jersey, "and I always kept forgetting he wrote, 'For You, Blue.' Kept thinking it was McCartney. And I didn't know he had a girlfriend that left him for Eric Clapton. I'm starting to think I'm not much of a fan at all."
The retention, however complete right now, is expected to fade gradually as Americans mourn Harrison's loss and move on to the next expired celebrity.
"I love Harrison," said Craig Bachman of Orlando, Florida, "and I've been burning out a recent copy of All Things Must Pass I bought last year. But I don't know how long I'll remember he was behind Handmaid Films which made Time Bandits and Monty Python's The Life of Brian. I'm already starting to forget Jack Lemmon was in The Apartment. Lemmon was 76." the commune news was just showing the gun to a friend when it went off, officer. Watch Ramon Nootles try to juggle three different women in a fun, high-powered romp—not in a movie or TV show, but later tonight at his apartment.
 | Parents’ Groups to Britney: “Die, Slut, Die!”Virginal exhibitionist denies charges of erotic lyrics December 10, 2001 |
Fresno, CA Courtesy Jive Records Teen idol Britney Spears, who has never seen the back seat of your best friend's Impala
Parents’ groups around the world are up in arms over Spears’ newest album, fearing the influence that t...
ith the November release of her third album, Britney, teen idol Britney Spears has set off a wave of controversy over the seemingly-erotic nature of the lyrics to her newest songs. Spears denies such allegations vehemently, pointing to her much-publicized and very occasionally believed virginity, and her total coyness in interviews, which she often conducts while being photographed riding a gigantic 18-foot dildo. “I think it’s important to stay a virgin until you get married,” Spears recently told The Straits Times of Singapore, wiping a long white streak of what appeared to be dried semen off her top lip. “It’s more special that way.” Parents’ groups around the world are up in arms over Spears’ newest album, fearing the influence that the virginal exhibitionist might have over their teenage daughters, who often imitate Spears in dress, slang and in sleeping with members of ‘NSync. “Look, it wouldn’t be so bad if that little tramp would just admit that she’s given more blowjobs than Conair. That’s really the part that pisses me off, this whole ‘Who, me?’ act. I mean, Christ in a Corvette, who buys that crap? It might even be worth her influencing my daughter to get pregnant if they could just catch that little bitch in the act,” stated Connie Baustel, head of Mothers Against Bare Midriffs, a Baltimore-area Anti-Spears group. “I’m tired of people with dirty minds always trying to read gross things into my songs. It’s sad that we live in a world where people think that even a song like ‘Split Me Open and Pound Me Raw’ is about sex,” said Spears when asked about her new album. “I swear, you get a reputation in this industry and that’s all anyone sees when they look at you. I write a song about buying Christmas presents for my boyfriend’s parents, call it ‘I Wanna Do Your Whole Family,’ and all of a sudden my publicist’s phone is ringing off the hook. Talk about perverts,” Spears stated indignantly. “I don’t know where these people get their ideas from. This album is about apple pie and fluffy kitties and meeting your pals down at the roller-rink. ‘Touch Me Where the Sun Don’t Shine’ is a really sweet song about first love. ‘Tongue My Anus’ is a song I wrote about my new puppy, Cuddler. You should see him, he’s just adorable,” claimed a totally straight-faced Spears. The biggest uproar has been over the video for the album’s first single, “Knock Me Up, Knock Me Down,” which features a pregnant and black-eyed Spears performing a suggestive dance routine in front of a trailer home. “Some people have no sense of art,” commented Spears when asked about the controversial song. “I mean, hell-o, obviously the song isn’t pro-domestic abuse.” Others aren’t so sure, and some question the song’s lyrics: “Baby, dontcha wanna dance up on my face your love I can’t replace (repeat) / like that / you like it, huh? / I’ll carry your baby if you’ll give me your gravy / Get it, get it / Ohhh / Get it, get it / Ahhhh / Get it, get it / Ooooh / This feels good / Give me a smack and I don’t mean your lips / Show me you’re a man. . ./ Knock me up (heavy breathing) Knoooock me down / I deserve it / I can’t live without it.” Spears’ album sales remain brisk despite the controversy, with a particularly strong showing in the creepy over-40 male demographic. And the Spears phenomena shows no signs of slowing, with a movie deal in the works and promotional tie-ins rumored for both The Disney Channel and Trojan condoms. For the time being, anyway, it looks like everything’s coming up Britney. Spears’ fourth album, Cum-Hungry Buttfuck Doll, is due out in the spring. Ivana Folger-Balzac has made life in the commune's news offices a living hell for two weeks running now. the commune news staff is currently taking a collection to pay the bitch her alimony ourselves, since that deadbeat Nacutchacokov seems eerily oblivious to her.
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 December 10, 2001 There is No "I" in "Camp Songs"the commune's Rok Finger does right by our kids, scout's honor Kind friends, I'm more than aware of America's fondest for the individual. Actually, strike that, I'm simply aware of it, I doubt it's possible to be more than aware of something, it's the knowledge-based equivalent of being more than dead, you either are or aren't. Suffice to say I know of our need to be individuals, I myself am an individual along with my wife and friends, so I do not suggest we all needlessly conform. And even if I do suggest that, I'm willing to understand when people don't obey. But one thing is damn sure, and there is no quarter given for this fact: There is no "I" in "camp songs."
As Den Boss (I am neither mother nor father to any of them, it's shameful to lead them on like some adult den leaders do) of Troop 54, I am the short, thin green line between ...
º Last Column: There's A Bustle in My Hedgerow
º more columns
Kind friends, I'm more than aware of America's fondest for the individual. Actually, strike that, I'm simply aware of it, I doubt it's possible to be more than aware of something, it's the knowledge-based equivalent of being more than dead, you either are or aren't. Suffice to say I know of our need to be individuals, I myself am an individual along with my wife and friends, so I do not suggest we all needlessly conform. And even if I do suggest that, I'm willing to understand when people don't obey. But one thing is damn sure, and there is no quarter given for this fact: There is no "I" in "camp songs."
As Den Boss (I am neither mother nor father to any of them, it's shameful to lead them on like some adult den leaders do) of Troop 54, I am the short, thin green line between fascism and full-out hippie love fest. I will have neither, particularly the latter. I will even take a significant helping of the former in order to avoid any smidgen of the latter, to be blunt and honest. And until last week, order was held and maintained by Den Boss Rokwell T. Finger. Until a freckled kid, I'll refer to him as "The Turd" in order to protect small children from the shame of their actions. Okay, I can give you a hint, his real first name is Todd and his last name begins with a C., he's roughly 9, but that's all I can give you without incriminating him. If you write to me here at the commune I'll send a discreet e-mail sharing his name, just between you and me, but otherwise, "The Turd" thing is still in effect.
During an especially well-tempoed version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," I heard a clattering off-key voice chime in, a second late I might add, and bring the whole thing tumbling down like a fat man on glass platform shoes. This voice was high-pitched, so I knew it wasn't my own, again starting up without my control under the boisterous sway of the song's appeal; it was one of the boys.
The freckle-faced Turd was the culprit. It was more than poorly-executed singing; I could tell by his flustered face, the squeaks of giggles from others, and the half-smile his wide-open pie hole was curtained by that the Turd was a revolutionary, a Che Guevara amidst my stolid camper robots. Well, naturally I warned him it was fruitless to defy our singing rules, and I thought that would work. Needless to say it did not.
"The Wheels on the Bus" did not go 'round and 'round, my friends. Old McDonald's Farm was full of blithering, retarded animals, including cats that mooed and chickens that made farting noises. And instead of coming around the mountain when she came, the bitch downright derailed. I was furious, more than furious, which I think may be possible to a reasonable extent.
I had a choice, right then and there: Allow my authority to vaporize to a pudgy anarchist or make an example of him to the others.
It wasn't a pleasant choice, obviously, but I took the only realistic course of action: I abandoned Turd to the wilderness as Troop 54 packed quickly and left. He believed his punishment was gathering nuts and berries, and in a way it was since he must have done that to survive his long stay in the woods and find his way back to civilization. I received stern criticism, true, and lost the command of my scout regiment, but at least I have left an indelible lesson of the importance of conformity impressed upon them, especially one arrogant young boy.
Turd has since managed to find his way back, judging by the signatures on the legal summons, and nobody is happier than me. Hopefully he'll grow up one day and, when a gaggle of young boys are put in his custody, he'll realize a stern rod can shape any young Jimmy Dean Rebel-Without-A-Cause into an impressive soprano. º Last Column: There's A Bustle in My Hedgerowº more columns | 
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Milestones1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.Now HiringJames Bondian Action Hero. Must be proficient in fire arms and small mechanical gadgets with ridiculous capabilities. Responsibilities include killing unnamed lackeys and doing battle with bizarre supervillians of non-distinct European origin. Good benefits, adventure, and pussy galore. Best Sellers| 1. | The Bridges of Macon County, Georgia
Bobby Ray Poker | | 2. | The Lord of the Tacky Pimp Rings
J.Z.Z.Z. Toolking | | 3. | Mary Contrary, Are You on the Rag Today?
Dr. Soobst | | 4. | Oprah's Book Club Can Eat Me
Jonathan Franzen | | 5. | I Sure Miss the Cold War
Tom Clancy | |
|   New Invention to Take Americans to New Heights of Laziness BY roland mcshyster 12/10/2001 What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks' worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world. And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find out what to do with that Jefferson that's been burning a hole in your pocket, so I won't delay any further. On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Not Another Ween Movie
Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they're taking on the smash hit Titanic with this lamp...
What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks' worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world. And what a crazy world it is these days, what with the economy on recess and everyone getting Amway in the mail and all. Look, I know you came here for the reviews, to find out what to do with that Jefferson that's been burning a hole in your pocket, so I won't delay any further. On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Not Another Ween Movie
Ha! Those musically irreverent Ween brothers are back in their fifth film, regardless of what the title might lead you to believe. This time they're taking on the smash hit Titanic with this lampooning (or is it serious? or are they crazy?) musical full of memorable song-and-dance numbers like "My Heart Will Go On Sale", "Hey Iceburg (Shithead)", "Go Pull a Nickel Out Your Ass, Steve" and "Somebody Please Fish My Icy Nuts Out of the Atlantic".
Ocean's 11
The sad tale of the last remaining Phoenix brother, who was incinerated this past July in a Bar-be-cue gone bad on his eleventh birthday. Like his brother River and his sister Delta before him, he lived too fast, too young, and left a good-looking pre-pubescent corpse. This tribute is a fine send-off as he sulks his way up to the big detox in the sky.
The Royal Tennis Bums
Every king and queen's worst nightmare is to have their progeny grow up to be nothing but long-haired polycarbonalium racquet-wielding tennis bums, cruising the courts looking for the cheap thrill of a pick-up match and taking pictures with their scofflaw Rebel SLR cameras. But just that is the lot for the rulers of the conveniently-created kingdom of Bumcock, who send their kids to a strict uppity tennis camp for the summer, thinking the regimentation will sap their love of the game. Instead, the royal shits beat the tennis slobs at the camp across the lake and learn something valuable about themselves in the process: they're rich.
Vanilla Sky
Only a lumpy-skulled nut-tugger like Vanilla Ice would have the grotesquely swollen balls to write himself into the history of the space program in this supposedly autobiographical picture about his childhood dream of launching a rocket and his later top-level work for NASA. Not to mention that the theme song is just Elton John's "Rocket Man" with a tambourine line added. Almost as disgusting as his last two films: "A Dream With Wings: The Orville and Vanilla Wright Story" and "Yo, I Wrote the Star-Spangled Banner".
Now on Video:
Karen Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
If you thought last season of Allie McBeal was scary, wait until you witness this harrowing tale of anorexia, bulimia and gas-station candy bar sales. Beat to the punch by "The Karen Carpenter Story" a few years back, but I hear this one has vampires and shit, so it's probably a better popcorn anorexia movie.
Maid
That meaty dude you loved so much for Swingers and Deep Throat, Jon Favorite, is back in this hilarious lark about a hapless palooka who has to go to New York and dress up as a sexy French maid to win the girl of his dreams. It turns out that impersonating the maid at his belle-to-be's mansion is harder than it looks, and many explosively comedic situations result. Probably my favorite scene is the New Year's Eve party where no less than a half-dozen male guests try to take Jon back to the servants' quarters for some deep cleaning, and he discovers that the maid who he knocked out and put on a bus to Florida had been shining more than a few knobs around the mansion.
Pearl Harbor
Finally a WWII film that tells the real story of how we took on the Japanese at Pearl Harbor and kicked their skinny little tails, heaving bombs up into the trunks of their planes when they weren't looking. Man, I would have loved to see the looks on their faces when those bombs went off. Some irresponsible networks actually played the film footage of the attack backwards, leading many Americans to believe that Japan actually tried to bomb us on that fateful day. Right, like they'd try to bomb us! Think about it people: they're just a tiny little island. We could just go over there and blow over all their little rice paper houses with a big fan or something. Don't be so naïve.
Television:
Woolf Lake (CBS)
As always, CBS takes the high road in its effort to keep its audience (average age 92) thrilled with the most boring programming available. This particular time, you've got to respect their literary credentials. Each week members of the Woolf Lake book club get together and discuss how much they enjoyed their latest reading assignment. No stars, per se, unless you count Virginia Woolf (the show's namesake), Henry James, Mark Twain, or Agatha Christie. And of course, nobody does.
The Agency (CBS)
The black eye network continues to make its 21st century comeback with this hot new sitcom adapted from that infomercial about the ad agency with the new IBM computers. Who can blame them? Few television network shows had such well-developed characters as the fat guy from accounting and that old guy who was afraid of getting on the internet. Some advice from Roland M: Drop that boring soccer mom who keeps whining about sending out e-mail memos, that pony won't play ball more than one episode.
Maybe it's Me (WB)
Give up now, Survivor! The ultimate reality show is here, and who would have thought the WB would have it? Six horrible hack stand-up comedians are put onto a set where each week they throw out the script and try to ad-lib each other out of the spotlight! The gag: They've all been told they're starring in a new sitcom, while the truth is that when it's over, only one of them can go on to star in a third-rate WB sitcom with lousy writing next season! Unless the other five get put into their own ABC shows or something.
Video Games:
The Sims Hot Date (PC)
Call me a whacko with no sense of humor, but paying $30 just to get a box with a rubber glove and Jergens lotion in it doesn't sit well with me, folks at Electronic Arts. I bet you assholes are the ones who unscrew the salt shaker at KFC whenever I'm dining in. Fuckers.
Metallica Solitude (PS2)
Everyone who knows games (and I do) has been waiting forever for this huge arrival for the Playstation 2, and it finally arrives, about ten years too late. I've never been a big fan of Metallica or their lead singer Snake, so maybe it's my fault this computerized version of their biggest video is a let down. Not bad, but playing as a crumpled old man digging your way out of some futuristic prison while morbid arpeggio music plays in the background isn't my idea of high-speed gaming.
Alone in the Dark 4 (DC)
Those fuckers at Electronic Arts are making "games" for Dreamcast now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I come after you with a goddamn shotgun, you butt-humping jerkwipes. May you rot in hell. In the meantime, I've got a nice set of dish gloves and more Jergens lotion than anybody needs. Electronic Arts can lick my salty parts.
Well, I hope that all turned your world upside-down, I know it did mine. We'll be back in six days short of a fortnight to rain entertainment manna down on your unsuspecting heads one more time. Watch for it.   |
