he American people were shocked Wednesday, but not all that much, when Afghanistan's Northern Alliance declared a holy war or "jihad" on the United States. The Northern Alliance recently took power in Afghanistan from our most recent enemies, the Taliban, who were unseated due to efforts of the United States and a coalition made up of other NATO countries.

"This is a complete surprise, sort of," said president Bush, reportedly "fumin' mad" at the betrayal. "If nothing else, myself and everyone in my administration are amazed by the quick turnaround time. This has to be some sort of personal record."

Trouble reportedly started when a coup within the Northern Alliance replaced former strongmen within the organization with fundamentalists disappointed in the lack of support the U.S. has pledged the new government of Afghanistan in the distant future. General Jamir Guzakibad, the newly empowered leader of Afghanistan's new government, has promised America will learn to respect the new prominence of the country or it will face dire consequences.

President Bush, upon hearing Guzakibad's threats translated for him, simply rolled his eyes, his head slumped into a hand with his other hand tapping his fingers in a hum-drum order from left to right.

"Here we go again," said the president.

Guzakibad has only offered veiled threats so far, but has vowed that the Afghan people are powerful and are chosen by Allah themselves as the rightful inheritors of their country, as well as the land surrounding them. Including the holy land currently occupied by Israel.

"If the American people are resistant to the divine call of the Afghan people," continued Guzakibad, "we have instruments in our possession capable of defending ourselves, with extreme means, if necessary."

In response, Secretary of State Colin Powell has speculated publicly that it may be necessary to move troops into strategic positions outside of Afghanistan's capital of Kabul.

"Fortunately, we have some guys who were there anyway," said Powell, a little bored.

Thursday night, the president interrupted only ABC's weak Thursday programming lineup to assure the American people the current threat will be dealt with cautiously.

"We will, uh, persevere and… yeah, you know… freedom is sacred, all that. Those who died… l'see… enemies are cowards…"

The rest of the two-minute speech was similarly fragmented as Bush continued to refer back to notecards and sigh deeply. When all of his high points were addressed, Bush waved away the camera and left the stage, as ABC resumed an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? where two guys were miming riding bicycles.

onday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups.

President George W. Bush was told there were no unusual personnel changes in the network’s staff and that despite being undeniably godawful, ABC’s doomed fall shows have yet to show any telltale signs of terrorist tampering, such as the insertion of anti-American slogans or the context-insensitive addition of scenes showing a foam rubber effigy of President Bush being torn apart by gorillas.

FCC officials are determined to find out why ABC’s fall line-up has taken an awe-inspiring nosedive into a huge mountain of pure shit only weeks into the season.

Agents are currently pouring through thousands of hours of videotapes, searching for clues that might explain this unprecedented cavalcade of rancid, steaming monkey snot.

FCC chairman Michael K. Powell said, “All information we have currently is that this is an accident, and unfortunate conflagration of low-level talent and poor executive decision making, but we are definitely coordinating with the FBI as well as the heads of the other major networks.�

The FCC is the lead agency in the network probe. That means authorities have no information at this point that anything other than a total lack of judgment and quality control brought the network’s fall line-up to such panic-inducing lows.

The crash of the ABC sitcom Bob Patterson underscores the dramatic changes in the television industry since September 11. Suspecting possible terrorist involvement, network head Steven M. Bornstein pulled the plug on the show only four minutes into its first episode, airing a bouncing ball sing-along broadcast of “God Bless America� for the remainder of the show’s half-hour slot.

In spite of repeated claims from government officials that no links to terrorist activities have been found, the American public remains largely skeptical. “You’ve got to be shitting me, ABC’s fall schedule has more bombs than an Afghani elementary school. They’ve got to have at least a few Al Qaeda moles working over there. Jesus Christ, have you seen According to Jim?� stated an NBC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“Them Arab buttfuckers is trying to break the American spirit by dumbing down our sitcoms and cheesing up our dramas. No true American would have green-lighted What About Joan? or My Wife and Kids. Sweet Allah have mercy on those cruel fuckers,� said a man wearing a hat that looked like a crumpled-up hot dog.

Investigators are currently looking into possible terrorist involvement in the NBC sitcom Inside Schwartz and Raising Dad on the WB.

I have to admit, a few years ago the sound of a bustle in my hedgerow would have left me terrified. I was naïve, to say the least, and suffer a fear of mortality like anybody else. At least that's what my new houseguest said, and that's when I became aware what there was to fear, whilst before I suspected the sound might be a bear or some kind of Jack the Ripper fan intent on re-creating the crimes in vivid detail, only with men this time instead of trollops.

Likewise when I heard the whistle of the pied piper calling through the crack'd window in my den, at the time I kept running to the kitchen to see who left tea boiling on the stove top. This was before my new friend Jimmy Page came to stay with us.

Page is an insightful limey, you have to give him that. Before he showed up to stay with us I was scared of silly things, like the possibilities of violent crime, chemical terrorism, nuclear annihilation, all of these highly unlikely possibilities. Jimmy opened my eyes to the existence of dragons, mythical knights, multi-headed beasts from fables, and dark wizards who can destroy you with a handful of powder. And I've seen the powder that he travels with so I know he's not kidding.

Laughing trees, talking spirits, and some big pushy bitch he calls "the May Queen"--Mr. Page inhabits a very scarey world, folks, and he's welcomed me into it. Hence I've decided that, as enjoyable as his company is, I have to find a way to kick him out. I simply cannot continue going to work each day like the world is a normal place when I know there's half-goat demons out there who dance before me in the street on my way to work. And I can't hit them with the Volkswagen, either, they can float and dance on my hood with their cloven hooves. There's several of them in those commune offices I work at, too. I've never noticed before now that Ted Ted fellow is even smaller than me. Makes you wonder. Wonder? I meant terrified.

I'm not sure the exact length of time Jimmy Page is planning on staying. I wouldn't feel right asking him to leave, I'm all too aware of that magic dust in his suitcase. I've asked him how long he'll be around and he assures me he is bound for an otherworld, though I'm not sure where that is or I'd buy him a ticket already. He's mentioned something about a stairway of some kind, I'm unclear as to how tall it needs to be or where he wants it built, but I figure if I buy a tall enough stepladder it might make do in a pinch.

In the end, I'll probably get rid of him the same way I got rid of Donovan during his long stay in the late '60s: I'll move to the roof for a few days. We have a spare bedroom up there, hidden away from those unfamiliar with the house, and in times of houseguests myself, Arvelyn, and our cat Makeshift can squeeze in there comfortably for a long space of time, until our houseguest goes out for food or something and we change the locks. We've thus far managed to outlast every houseguest, although I must admit there were a number of doubtful moments where we worried that guy from The Commish was going to win in the end.

Not that there won't be a down side to Mr. Page's exit; the next time there is a bustle in my hedgerow, I'll undoubtedly be alarmed then. I'll soon forget about the pied pipers and May Queens. Though I've always known all that glitters isn't gold. Most of the time it's just glitter. Glitter glitters, you know.

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