he American people were shocked Wednesday, but not all that much, when Afghanistan's Northern Alliance declared a holy war or "jihad" on the United States. The Northern Alliance recently took power in Afghanistan from our most recent enemies, the Taliban, who were unseated due to efforts of the United States and a coalition made up of other NATO countries.

"This is a complete surprise, sort of," said president Bush, reportedly "fumin' mad" at the betrayal. "If nothing else, myself and everyone in my administration are amazed by the quick turnaround time. This has to be some sort of personal record."

Trouble reportedly started when a coup within the Northern Alliance replaced former strongmen within the organization with fundamentalists disappointed in the lack of support the U.S. has pledged the new government of Afghanistan in the distant future. General Jamir Guzakibad, the newly empowered leader of Afghanistan's new government, has promised America will learn to respect the new prominence of the country or it will face dire consequences.

President Bush, upon hearing Guzakibad's threats translated for him, simply rolled his eyes, his head slumped into a hand with his other hand tapping his fingers in a hum-drum order from left to right.

"Here we go again," said the president.

Guzakibad has only offered veiled threats so far, but has vowed that the Afghan people are powerful and are chosen by Allah themselves as the rightful inheritors of their country, as well as the land surrounding them. Including the holy land currently occupied by Israel.

"If the American people are resistant to the divine call of the Afghan people," continued Guzakibad, "we have instruments in our possession capable of defending ourselves, with extreme means, if necessary."

In response, Secretary of State Colin Powell has speculated publicly that it may be necessary to move troops into strategic positions outside of Afghanistan's capital of Kabul.

"Fortunately, we have some guys who were there anyway," said Powell, a little bored.

Thursday night, the president interrupted only ABC's weak Thursday programming lineup to assure the American people the current threat will be dealt with cautiously.

"We will, uh, persevere and… yeah, you know… freedom is sacred, all that. Those who died… l'see… enemies are cowards…"

The rest of the two-minute speech was similarly fragmented as Bush continued to refer back to notecards and sigh deeply. When all of his high points were addressed, Bush waved away the camera and left the stage, as ABC resumed an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? where two guys were miming riding bicycles.

onday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups.

President George W. Bush was told there were no unusual personnel changes in the network’s staff and that despite being undeniably godawful, ABC’s doomed fall shows have yet to show any telltale signs of terrorist tampering, such as the insertion of anti-American slogans or the context-insensitive addition of scenes showing a foam rubber effigy of President Bush being torn apart by gorillas.

FCC officials are determined to find out why ABC’s fall line-up has taken an awe-inspiring nosedive into a huge mountain of pure shit only weeks into the season.

Agents are currently pouring through thousands of hours of videotapes, searching for clues that might explain this unprecedented cavalcade of rancid, steaming monkey snot.

FCC chairman Michael K. Powell said, “All information we have currently is that this is an accident, and unfortunate conflagration of low-level talent and poor executive decision making, but we are definitely coordinating with the FBI as well as the heads of the other major networks.�

The FCC is the lead agency in the network probe. That means authorities have no information at this point that anything other than a total lack of judgment and quality control brought the network’s fall line-up to such panic-inducing lows.

The crash of the ABC sitcom Bob Patterson underscores the dramatic changes in the television industry since September 11. Suspecting possible terrorist involvement, network head Steven M. Bornstein pulled the plug on the show only four minutes into its first episode, airing a bouncing ball sing-along broadcast of “God Bless America� for the remainder of the show’s half-hour slot.

In spite of repeated claims from government officials that no links to terrorist activities have been found, the American public remains largely skeptical. “You’ve got to be shitting me, ABC’s fall schedule has more bombs than an Afghani elementary school. They’ve got to have at least a few Al Qaeda moles working over there. Jesus Christ, have you seen According to Jim?� stated an NBC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“Them Arab buttfuckers is trying to break the American spirit by dumbing down our sitcoms and cheesing up our dramas. No true American would have green-lighted What About Joan? or My Wife and Kids. Sweet Allah have mercy on those cruel fuckers,� said a man wearing a hat that looked like a crumpled-up hot dog.

Investigators are currently looking into possible terrorist involvement in the NBC sitcom Inside Schwartz and Raising Dad on the WB.

"One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!' Obviously we didn't know what she wanted us to see yet, but at the time we were hugely excited, it could have been anything, like a plate full of fresh cookies or the Kaiser's beard torn straight off his face.

We were delighted to see it was a brand new radio my father had bought! Everyone on the block had wanted a radio, even the people who already had them, although they wanted new ones, and now we had one!

My sister Stephanie, Goose, and I all gathered 'round the radio for hours listening to The Lone Ranger, Little Orphan Annie, The Shadow, and several racist radio shows I probably shouldn't elaborate on. It was the most fun you could ever imagine.

And when we weren't listening to the radio, we were talking about the radio. Stephanie and I would talk about what we thought the characters looked like, about the bright colors of the world the radio people lived in, and what The Shadow did to keep his laundry clean. Goose couldn't join in on account he had no imagination, something he inherited from mom.

Sure, we were disappointed later when we found out the radio wasn't even ever plugged in and it had been dad making all those voices we had been listening to. We probably should have guessed since the radio was so light, being hollow and having no electronic innards like a working radio. Goose is still mad at dad, rest his soul, but Stephanie and I say we still have our imaginations and memories, and they can't take that away without highly expensive surgery."

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