reedom-loving news source the commune was the victim of international terror this week when much-beloved (no exaggerration there) reporter Lil Duncan was diagnosed with the venereal disease syphilis.

The disease, caused by the bacteria Treponema, was discovered in Duncan after a series of blood tests and physicals given to all commune staff members except Easily Riled Herb. The tests were specifically looking for anthrax or other communicable diseases possibly spread by terrorist to American news sources like ABC and NBC.

After the diagnosis, the commune offices were filled with panicked men and some of the randier women who were terrified they had contracted it, though so far all testing has revealed only Duncan carries the disease at this time. All commune staffers, especially fearless commune editor Red Bagel, will be tested second or even third times to verify the absence of syphilis.

"Terror has hit home, way too close to home, you ask me," Bagel told a group of commune reporters he demanded quote him in the next edition. "Terrorists strike to make us fearful and terrified. Hence the name, stupid. Well, they have struck, and I guarantee you, the terrorists will pay! Put that part right under the headline, too, Nootles."

Duncan's doctor J. Ernest Fielgüd, a specialist in sexually contracted diseases, and medically schooled in them as well, has informed the commune that syphilis is a bacterial disease that is no longer the death sentence it was deemed early in the 20th century. With penicillin, the doctor said, syphilis can be eradicated from even late-stages sufferers.

commune Research Editor, Griswald Dreck, however, disagreed.

"If syphilis shows up, the party's over, that's all I can say. Little microbes invade your neurons and turn you into a character not unlike Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining.' Brrr! All work and no play make Lil a dull girl. Check her typewriter, I betcha anything she's got stacks and stacks of that shit on her desk. I'm outta here, no joke. You sit and wait for the ax in the chest, jack."

Dreck packed his tiny ventriloquist dummy-sized suitcase and vacated the commune offices quickly. All other commune staffers are visibly shaken and worried, but so far wait patiently for the outcome.

Lil Duncan could not be reached for comment as I ain't getting near the syphilis-beridden bitch.

opular radio talk-show host and notorious blowhard Rush Limbaugh was recently revealed to be in the terminal stages of losing the ability to perform any normal human function but talk. Very soon, Mr. Limbaugh will exist solely for the purpose of flapping his purplish, rubbery lips and belching out enormous amounts of miasmatic wind over the nation's airwaves.

"It's the absolute worst tragedy involving a large Nazi gasbag since the explosion of the Hindenburg," said Limbaugh's personal physician, Dr. H. Himmler. "Oh, the humanity, the humanity, the inanity…"

Dr. Himmler's colleague, Dr. J. Mengele, echoed the sentiment, saying that it is "natural for muscles that aren't used to atrophy, but we've never seen a case as advanced as this one in such a short time."

Apparently the only thing keeping Limbaugh, who was declared brain-dead in the late 1980's, alive is the constant motion of his jaw and tongue. "Well, yes, he is an opinionated fellow, there's no doubt about that," said his personal assistant, a Mr. A. Speer. "He likes to let everyone around him know what he thinks. I believe that's what's kept him going all these years, even though he can't walk, eat, scratch his ass, shit, fuck or smoke a cigar without assistance. Still, you've got to give him credit for such single-minded devotion to doing what he does best." Upon saying that, Mr. Speer rapidly retreated to the back of Limbaugh's expansive chair with a bucket and a large handful of wet paper towels. "Christ, here he goes again, all over his goddamned self," he was heard to mutter.

When asked for comment, Limbaugh replied, "What? Huh? Did you say something? I can't hear a blessed thing! What?"

God and the commune's mail room clerk, Lefty, both know that here at the commune we get our share of bogus and life-threatening mail. Shit, I think we set some kind of Guiness Stout World Record for it in our first week. Hardly a day goes by that our building isn't evacuated after some righteous jackass sends us a pissed off warthog in a box or a bunch of ebola-flavored Junior Mints. Several memorable incidents come to mind, like the time Lefty pried open a crate in our mailroom and sure as shit, there was a goddamned midget with a machete that came jumping out of it, just like in that Cheech and Chong movie. We were all stuck perched up on our desks for nearly two hours while that little bastard ran around and macheted everything in the office that was near to the ground. After a while he got tired and went down for a nap in the corner, so Lefty snuck over with a dolly and loaded that little mercenary nutjob back into the crate, sealed it, and put a big "RETURN TO SENDER" stamp on the side. You can rest assured that Omar Bricks had his desk raised up an extra two inches after that day, just in case the next midget was this one's older brother.

And given the controversial nature of my views on artificial insemination, you can bet that Omar Bricks gets more than his share of the death threats and bullshit mail around here. I've said it before and I'll say it again: they've yet to invent a mail bomb that'll keep me from hiring a new secretary every time my old one gets blown out the window in a plume of swirling fire and acrid smoke, y'all. These terrorizing fancy-boys act like they've never heard the words "temp agency" before in their lives. And even when my secretary's out for the day, off painting flowers or having babies or whatever, I still have a seemingly endless stream of nosy bitches who are always trying to peek at my mail to see if French Stewart sent me any more of those naked pictures, even though I keep telling them I got him to knock that shit off years ago.

Speaking of naked pictures, probably the most troubling piece of hate mail I've ever received was back in '99 when some cruel bastard sent me what looked like a bad-assed set of nudie playing cards, but when I opened the pack they turned out to be—you guessed it—those infamous shots from the Golden Girls cast orgy in Cancun back in '85. Sweet motherfucking Christ, the last time I saw something that ugly I had to flush twice. If anything has ever tested my resolve as a commune staffer, that shit was it, not some weak-assed mail bomb antics. And it turned out it was commune photographer Junior Bacon behind it all anyway, that sick fruit. You know he got a lifetime subscription to Fecal Fancy in the mail shortly after that event.

But lately a lot of talk has been going around the office about some crazy dead-cow-finding punks sending everybody and their sister anthrax in the mail, and how that's some no-fooling-around bad shit. Well, don't let any short-dicked Iowa boys ever tell you that Omar Bricks gets caught off guard, because ever since I heard about this freaky Mr. Science mayhem I've been on the lookout. And it paid off big time the other day when I stopped at McDonalds on my way to work to pick up my usual morning apple pie and coffee. I placed my order as always but kept an eye on Miss Sheri Landowski, my McServer that morning. And goddammit if she didn't pour an ass-load of anthrax powder right into my coffee when she thought I wasn't looking. I guess it isn't as hard to get a job at McDonalds as it used to be, because it's obvious their entire organization has been infiltrated by terrorists, as Sheri Landowski can surely attest. Or, should I say, Sheri bin Landowski?

I don't think I need to tell you what happened next, but suffice it to say I was able to hop out the drive thru window before the fry cook could get at me with that broom handle, and Sheri won't be anthraxing any more coffee-loving Americans any time soon. Incidentally, I've also got a shitload of apple pies back at my apartment now, so any of you interested parties out there can cross that off your "Christmas Gifts for Omar" list this year.

I wasted no time getting to my doctor's office, since I think that during the melee I might have got some of that powder up my nose and the last thing I need is some goddamned cow disease and long waits at the vet's office. Doc Thrusher took some tests and when he came back he looked like he'd just found the corpse of Gregory Peck in his stool. Actually, to be honest he might always look like that, I don't think I'd been to the doctor since I was eight. Anyway, he showed me his clip board with a pie chart or some USA Today shit on it and said:

"Well Mr. Bricks, you were right to come to us. Your test results show that you've had anthrax fourteen times in the last five years. That has to be some kind of record."

Doc Thrusher and I talked and he ruled out the possibility that I'd been getting it from that Asian chick who works over at the Photomat, and I ruled out the possibility that I'd been rubbing my ass all over any sick farm animals, so we decided that it was most likely those fan letters with all the white powder in them that I've been getting every other month since 1996. To tell you the truth, I thought it was kind of strange that someone chose to express their appreciation for my column by writing "YOU DIE. YOU DIE WHITE DEMON! YOU GET SICK YOU DIE!" on an index card and mailing it to me every other month, but there's a lot of weird literate mugs out there. And I thought that fucker was sending me Tide, like some kind of wink and a nod about how I'm always having to get blood out of my work shirts. Shit, I haven't bought detergent in five years.

Anyway, the doctor said I'd developed an immunity to anthrax over the years, and so I had nothing to worry about, except I should probably go to a different McDonalds from now on.

So all you revolutionary mama's boys had best be advised to take your sickly cattle and impeccable penmanship and scurry on home, because it takes more than a lethal dose of deadly neurotoxins to keep Omar Bricks down. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call the temp agency. Bricks out.

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